Almost Divorce Part 18: PJ asks for time

Posted: 2011/11/10 | Author: Lola | Filed under: Ramblings | Tags: Forgive, forgiveness, my personal catfish story, Relationships |1 Comment

This series is  published once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here

So Sunday morning I woke up, rounded up the children and drove home to get them ready and wait for their father to come get them.   I don’t remember for sure but I think he had moved the rest of his appointed stuff out of my house.  I didn’t lose much in the furniture department.  We had a lot and he didn’t need much.  I  was amazed when we were dividing up the entire house down to the items in the pantry and fridge, that we had more than enough to outfit two entire households without anyone really having to go without.  We even made our getting divorce and need stuff trip to Walmart together with the kids.  It wasn’t nearly as weird and awkward as you might think.  the Husband and I were weird that way during our almost divorce.   We only had one thing to fight about really, and what we were going through was looking like the final solution to that problem. He was out of my home and now being referred to as the ex.

So  at some point Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend I found myself alone, in my 5 bedroom home, without my kids or my  husband.  The kids would be back on Friday, and The Husband was not coming back.  PJ was seemingly not ever coming over.  I handled  this like any adult mature woman in my situation.  I had a bog planned emotional breakdown I went on a bender for the rest of the weekend.     I can’t really remember what else went on with PJ and I that weekend.   It’s possible this was the weekend of the big storms, but my memory can’t really quite sync that up so I’m just not sure.  I   spent pretty much the entire rest of the weekend wasted and in chat.  Now bad coping mechanisms aside, this was a planned bender.   I can always find a laugh when thinking back to  Memorial Day in the public chat room.  Why not go big, right?  I was making  a LOT of new friends because I hadn’t been in public for weeks, PJ and I preferred GWP.    At this point I had stopped playing with anyone but PJ, and I more than stuck to that.  The PM and chat roll conversations that day I decided to be the drunken train wreck main attraction  are hysterical when I think back on them.   I drank an entire bottle of wine between 10 am and noon, made a ton of friends and took a nice long nap.

As the week progressed I tried very hard not to be bitter, he knew I was heartsick that he wasn’t there.   And he acted heartsick that he couldn’t get himself to a place where he would take the jump from internet to real and come visit me.  He asked me if  I was trying to put him in the hole The Husband was leaving behind.    When he brought it up the first time I kind of brushed it off.  It was the first time I didn’t have a  ready answer to a question or point he raised.  It was possible there was some truth to that.  We didn’t talk about it again until  here. And the conversations that day were pivotal in our relationship.    In re-reading them for the purposes of writing this post I noticed that I made a comment about walking away from him on Monday, so he could see what it is like to be without me.  These conversations took place on Wednesday, so obviously as usual, I didn’t walk too far.  It started in the morning.  And ended with me not coming home that night to let him tuck me in because I stayed at The Husbands apartment late having dinner with my kids and two of my SILs.  I suppose you could say the signals I was sending were often as mixed as the ones he was sending.   At the time, and now, I would tell you I was doing this in direct response to the things he was doing, the way he was treating me.   I simply wanted to get started on the relationship I was told PJ wanted to have  with me.  But in hind sight I really didn’t handle any of this with very much patience. I was hurting and PJ had been one of my main sources of comfort. I wanted that comfort all the  time and he just really wasn’t in a place to provide it.   But he swore  until near the end that he was trying.

The morning started on  g-chat before work.  We were having an IM conversation. Why we wren’t cammed up and just discussing this I don’t know.  Most of our  serious talks took place in text.

pj:  I still feel like you’re trying to put me in that hole

me: maybe you don’t understand how I see this going  down

i  feel like you have to make the real life effort to earn the eventual fucking  and me in your life.  there are a few things you need to understand.

I’ve been checked out of my marriage for a long time

pj: i know I have to put the work in doll

but I know  that if I did it right now it wouldn’t be the best I could do

and I would fuck it up and be distant.

I have written about this part before.  For ease I copy pasted this portion directly from that post, forgive the change in format.

LOLAGW:  do you understand why I  don’t like the arrangement as it stands

PJGW: yes

but i see as more than you do

its not just  ‘chatname’

i spend my mornings with you

on here

on cam

i lay in bed with just you on here

i see your face i hear your voice

at night i watch you get ready to go asleep

i talk to you you talk to me

we wind down and go to bed

LOLAGW: all true

PJGW: together

I  go on to say yes, but all of these events stem from chat, he doesn’t ask to see me, he simply runs into me

PJGW: Fine how about this i want to tuck you in this evening at 11

and now we are back

me: I want to

but I have  to think about it

pj: ok

me: I just don’t think it should be THAT hard to add one more level onto this

something more personal than wires and pixels

pj: it shouldn’t but in my head it is

and i don’t know why

me: it makes me want to smack that head of yours

pj: it needs it

me: its insulting really

pj: i know

me: it hurts my feelings and it makes me angry

pj: I’m sorry

me: but it is your issue to bear i guess

pj: it is

me: but it may end up costing you

will end up costing you and then you’ll have nothing of me

ghost and pixels

think about what you’d say to your sister,  some guy who likes her can’t even pick up  a phone

curb

pj: you’re very right 

me: and what would you tell any of your friends

curb

you do recognize that your logic is that you’re choosing to hurt me so you won’t hurt me

right??

cuz i try but cannot get my mind around it

at all

pj: im scared that the real me wont be enough to keep you around

me: Jesus Christ PJ’s real name

im still here

ive seen the  baggage

pj: but for how long

what happens next year this time

me:  ive seen most of the bad parts of you (except for the lying this is true)

pj: when you start to get tired of me

only seeing me when I’m not swamped at school

me: i’m pretty sure you have to sleep eventually

pj: or nights when I’m not around cause im sleeping in my studio cause i have so much work and cant do it all and grade

me: and when you do and I’m without kids you can sleep with me (those kids weren’t coming anywhere near him for months after we met, and I had to promise the ex I wouldn’t do it without his permission)

well the good news

i’ve  already dated 20 minute at a time PJ’s real name

pj: and what happens when i have to leave cause i have to keep going to school to get where i want to go and it destroys me to leave you cause who knows when i would see you next

me: that is much more real than what if i get tired of you

pj: if i ever get to see you again?

me: and how then will you feel about the year prior

wishing youd never done it

 never tried it

never had it

pj: i think it would hurt me just as much as the last 5 years of my life  ( the 5 years he spent with the fiancee who dumped him)

if not more   (really, more broken up about me than the ex???)

me: WHY do we have to make decisions NOW about things that may or may not happen

its not fair

pj: it would consume me just like everything else has

im not a kid anymore these are things i have to consider before i do something

(I failed to mention that PJ got home from school and basically started falling apart and into depression, that will have to be  another post)

me: PJ’s real name

if you think you could love me, then you should at least give it a try

otherwise you need to just go away and leave me be

you can have however much time we get and be happy for a little or a long bit or we can have nothing

but what if land is a VERY dangerous place

full of assumptions and partial truths

I can play that game too

pj: i know lola’s real name

im not that great on paper either

me: what happens when you decide you didn’t really have the capacity and you rip my heart out

what happens when your sis doesn’t like me, bc she isn’t going to I ( he had told her about us and it wasn’t a favorable reaction)

what happens when you recognize being in my life mean you may sometimes have to see and deal with my ex

pj: i’ve been working on that one in my head

 and i know that’s part of it

cause it has to be

no way around it at all

me: what happens if i discover that you are like “this” all the time

instead of the guy I fell for

i should NOT have to justify my worth to you

pj: you don’t need to

i know what you’re worth

me: you just want to hold it in your hands at a nice safe distance

not let anybody else have it, but you don’t want it either

at some point you have to decide that whatever it is you bring to the table is enough 

bc i have

ive laid it all out pretty clearly

pj: you have you’re right

me: step up of GTFO in GW terms

i need closure of some sort

i can’t live in what if land

i can give you some time, or rather i can try to

but i grow more tired of this every moment i swear to GOD i do

im confused and angry and terribly sad all at once

pj: same here

me: wtf do you have to be angry about 

pj: that i can’t get over the stupid bull shit in my head

that i sit here letting a great thing go

me: pj’s real name

its bc you refuse to try

what you say you want is ‘this” close to you

here, now

i am human and i hurt too

and I’m only going to allow you to keep doing it for so long

and let me educate you once the ball starts rolling in the opposite direction its going to be fast

pj: i know 

me: of course you do

i end it then you never had to mae a decision, whew, narrow miss that one was

i need a break from this convo 

i can see im about to get ugly

pj: ok

me: the longer this goes on the less i think it’s worth it

the more i wish it never happened

pj: no matter what happens i will never wish that

me: bc you wont be the one with your heart broken i will

pj: are you fucking kidding me

me: hey that’s my line

pj: well i’m using it

me: i see that

pj: well good

but if you think for one second that my heart won’t be shattered you are wrong

no matter what happens i know im going to carry you with me for a long ass time

me: i FEEL like you already know what’s going to happen

pj: i don’t but i feel you are so pissed at me you are going to make something happen

me: it may come to that

pj: i know

me: i feel like you are forcing me to do it

pj: i’m not forcing you to do anything but im asking you to wait and give me time

This goes on, but we will pick it up next time Lovies. More next Thursday

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