It’s been a banner BGP week here Lovies
Posted: 2012/06/22 Filed under: Lovies | Tags: BGP, Big Girl Panties, forgiveness Leave a commentHappy Friday Lovies! This week was interesting.
Father’s Day went well, Babu got a big banner sign and the ability to stay in bed while The Destroyer and I fetched breakfast. We worked around the house and then went out to Mexican followed by a trip to see Madagascar 3. Afro Circus has been stuck in my head all week.
Tuesday brought the 10 year Anniversary of my Dad’s death and a trip to a park for lunch with my Mother, requested by her. I haven’t spoken much to my family since Thanksgiving of 2010. There was rudeness from my youngest brother towards Babu as well as a ridiculous scene where my Mother threw my then 8 year old of out her house for being rude to the same Uncle. I sent MiniMe to apologize as we were all awkwardly leaving and when she came out I asked her what Grandma had to say, her response was “nothing”. I love my Mother, but she and my brothers are not exactly well versed or very comfortable with emotional things. I have huge issues with my childhood, most of them are resolved, but isn’t it funny how in moments of anger or misunderstandings we can so easily fall back on our deeply implanted knee jerk reactions? My Mother and not being “hers” and thereby not treated as well or loved as much as my brothers is an easy go to for me. My solution to that pain has always been to get as far away from “those people” as humanly possible. Why bother to wish for better relationships that others are seemingly incapable of providing. Then there was a small scene at my youngest brothers wedding reception, the only time we have seen them, where my Mother repeated more than once that she couldn’t believe we came. This was after the woman called me and asked us to please sit in the front pew with her so she wouldn’t be alone. We got up when they released our table for food and quietly walked out the door without a word. I was not going to be a part of something that would mar my new SIL’s day, even if I never talk to her. I vowed to be completely done at that point. I’ve forced ( yes forced, because they are mad too) the kids to make cards on important occasions, we still send gifts for things. There have been a few awkward drop offs of stuff for the kids to Babu and an email from her here and there. The past 2 years have been kind of nice being able to celebrate any holiday however I choose and simply leave them to their own devices. I didn’t really like the broken relationship, but very much enjoyed the freedom that went with it.
She sent me an email over 3 weeks ago and requested Tuesday’s lunch. I took a few days to think about it and replied with a simple yes. Not knowing what her current emotional state was, I assumed it was going to be something confrontational, or some big news like she was getting remarried, or cutting me out of her will etc.. It was none of those things. We spent about 30 minutes making small talk about my oldest brothers impending wedding, to which my family is not invited, what the kids and extended family members are up to etc. I always prep myself for the worst with my family, it is the one group of people that can strip me of my confidence. As we were standing in the parking lot ready to leave she asked me, ” So Laura, can we be friends again?” My response, “ We can try it, but you’re going to have to make up to the kids on your own.” She seemed surprised they were mad at her. Then I spent the next however many minutes getting my points out as quickly as possible. This is how I have discussion with my Mom, she isn’t comfortable with all that open emotional sharing. We covered the Thanksgiving incident, turns out she had hugged MiniMe and told her it was ok, as well as didn’t mean to be snotty at the wedding. I told her we probably should of discussed it after it happened and made a barrage of points about how things would have to be moving forward because I am no longer a little girl I am a grown woman of 41. Before she held up her hand with the stop it’s too much signal. In the past, I would of pushed for a reconciliation of some kind on my own, the last two years I decided why bother, let them come to me, as you can see it took her a while.
While standing in the parking lot we covered me telling her I’ve forgiven her for anything she did to me as a kid, because it made me who I am and I now have a MUCH better understanding of how hard parenting really is. Every Mothers screws up, some more than others. I told her I recognized that finding out I was molested had to rock her, but there wasn’t anything she could of done about it. Given our relationship when I was 10-11 I was never going to tell her, for fear she would blame or punish me. I explained my dislike of the way everyone in my family handled emotions, we don’t have them, show them and we especially don’t talk about them, except me. I can’t keep things in, I have to get things out to feel better. It is easy, sometimes too easy, to tell exactly how I am feeling.
The family dynamic was different for my Dad and I. It took my husband to point out to me several years ago that the rest of family was jealous of the relationship I had with my Dad. That Vitamin E was different with me than with anyone else. I honestly had never figured that out, after I pondered for a long while I agreed he was right. I slung this back to my Mom on Tuesday with something along the lines of Dad was emotionally connected to me and I’m tired of the rest of you hating me for it. “You were the only one who could ever communicate with him”, was Mom’s response. It’s because at my core I am my Dad. I got my emotions from my ‘real” Mother but the absolute rest of me is all Vitamin E. What wasn’t passed along in DNA was taught to me by example and living with him. He wasn’t a perfect Dad, there are some areas the man was sorely lacking, but as an adult and a parent now I get it. He was human. He loved me, that was enough.
I apologized to my Mom for not reaching out to her and clarifying what had transpired between she and MiniMe. MiniMe inherited my emotional landscape and I was partially trying to protect her from “them”. I apologized for being overly sensitive to her remarks at the wedding. But seriously if people would just have mature adult open honest communications , a lot of bad feelings and unneeded drama could be avoided in relationships. It was when I got to the, “I’m not saying there can’t be any more inappropriate reactions (I’m the first person to recognize you cannot control how you feel about something upon initial reaction), but if things like this happen in the future we are going to have to communicate about it”. That’s when she reached her breaking point and put her hand up. In the past I would of gotten pissed off that she was shutting me down and pushed harder, but now I can recognize that she just can’t go any further. There is long mostly ugly with some bright spots history there, but she is trying and as long as she is trying this adult can try too. I hope I don’t end up regretting this, but I am glad for the closure and renewed peace.
Yesterday, out of the blue, I was suddenly ready to write and send a long overdue email of forgiveness and owning my screw ups to a friend who horribly violated my trust in multiple ways during the train wreck summer. I just wanted her to know that I no longer carried hate and anger because I could recognize my personal missteps and the situational issues of the relationship. I shared my apologies, let her have it in a respectful way because I’d never done that other than to throw her out of my life when things first came to light, professed my wish for her to have her best life possible because she deserves it and signed off. Shorty once said that losing a bestie is worse than a boyfriend break-up, I agree and this was my break-up closure letter. My karmic cleanser.
It’s been a banner week for the BGP, two pieces of open emotional business handled, which is good because I need that extra room to tackle my running plan for the next 4 weeks and the continued adventures in ADHD going on in my home. Hope you had a great week and plans to enjoy a fabulous weekend.
There are only 2 people I’ll go out of my way to clean for
Posted: 2012/03/24 Filed under: Lovies | Tags: Chef Badass, Cleaning, Forgive, forgiveness, Relationships Leave a commentI ran 7.5 miles and then did 30 push ups earlier today. I’ll get to that in another post some other time, hopefully soonish. I’ve had my first ever ice bath, wasn’t as bad as I thought and finished my cleaning chores so I can finally sit down and write.
I had to actually vacuum my own home today and it got me thinking about cleaning. . I pay The Ladies to clean the whole thing every 3 weeks. Well, to be fair Babu pays them to do it. So other than dishes or the more than occasional disaster I flat out prefer not to clean, ever. It’s not that I mind cleaning, it does a lot for the clearing of a mind or the satisfaction of a job well done, it’s just that there are always at least 100 other things I’d rather be doing. When we didn’t have The Ladies, Babu and I split the chores we couldn’t pawn off on the kids evenly, and that division of work applies to what’s left for us even with regular The Ladies visits. I could go into an entire side bar about how much I loathe laundry, but I’m trying to stay on track here because very soon I’m getting to my point.
I have never been a neat freak. We don’t live in filth , most of the time, but I’ve been known to let dishes pile up for days and days before doing them. They aren’t going anywhere. I recently solved this problem by assigning MiniMe and the Destroyer to dish duty. Babu does 90% of the cooking because he wants to. I am a great cook but ever since he moved back in this is just how it has been and I’m certainly not going to screw myself out of that deal. The rule in our house is whoever doesn’t cook, cleans. As the kids are 6 and 9 now, and they eat the family meal, they can participate in the family chores. I’m not sending my kids out into the world with no life skills. I don’t want my future children in law glaring at me because my kids don’t know how to load or unload a dishwasher, or scrub a toilet, or fold their laundry. Houses and families don’t run themselves and they live in this house and are part of our family. One of our family rules is that everyone participates in the running of the household.
Since I’ve never been a neat freak when you come to my house you get what you get. I don’t play the do special freak out cleaning game. I don’t subscribe to the Mother or MIL is coming so the house has to be spotless crap. If they are coming to see a clean house then they can clean it if they don’t like it. Thankfully I don’t have a Mother or MIL with cleaning issues, so this has worked out well for me. In reality there are only 2 people I will go out of my way to clean for.
the first is more a set of people than a person. People who have never been to my house before because I don’t want them to think we live like pigs all the time. This way when they come back over that 2nd time and see that we actually DO live in a messy house they are more apt to forgive me because they saw the nice cleanish pretty house the first time. I have even been known, in times we don’t have maids, to clean my house but leave something uncleaned on purpose because I don’t want to set the bar too high. Like the dusting, or the mopping etc. I work, Babu works, we both have outside activities and if you’re spending too much time looking at the dust bunnies or dog prints on the floor and making judgments about that, then you are a bitch and don’t need to be in my house or in my inner circle. I will ALWAYS try to make sure the toilets are clean, the drive is shoveled and the couch is febreezed because we aren’t savages. But those 3 things are pretty much my only standards.
Except for person #2. I will go out of my way to clean for Chef Badass. Chef Badass is a professional. He likes a clean working area and does not like to cook in a messy kitchen. Our relationship has deepened over the years as he has spent more time cooking in my kitchen, but even in the early stages I tried to make sure the kitchen was presentable because I could just tell he would prefer not to cook in a mess. This means I make sure the sink is empty and clean, the stove top is clear from gunk, the counters are clear and as spotless as I can get them. He has never demanded this, but it has become a bit of an inside joke with us and at this point in our relationship he would probably tell me to get my a$$ is the kitchen and prep it properly for him. I’m not entirely doing this out of unselfish motives. His food is amazing and he is probably going to be famous some day. Famous like 4-5 star restaurant maybe even on TV famous. It started out as sucking up. If I give Chef B a great kitchen to cook in maybe he will cook for me another time beyond this one. If I give him a really clean kitchen when I walk in with enough ingredients for a DOUBLE batch of B’s and G’s and sweetly demand he comply with my desires maybe he won’t tell me to STFU. I may have mentioned previously that, and I mean this in the most love filled way possible, Chef B is kind of a dick. He is unabashedly himself, and all chefs are probably a bit of a dick, just like all surgeons are arrogant. These personality traits are almost required to be a good one. One day Chef Badass is going on to big things. We have loved and supported he and Ava G since that very first night I got her wasted on wine while she was helping him cater out Open House. One day he will have his own place, and he will command that place in whatever way he sees fit, it will flourish. My not so secret hope for this eventuality is a personal bottle of vodka in the cooler and a stool in the back with my name on it. The cute boy named Julio to fetch my Vodka and pour it for me is entirely optional. ” Chef, the crazy curly haired lady is here again.” I want to be able to walk into his place and walk right back to the kitchen because we are just that close. Truthfully, I dream of this stool/vodka combo as a little nirvana where I can escape the world and enjoy a fabulous make me whatever meal without having to worry that there are no reservations for 6+ months. I want Chef B to succeed, and I hope that when he does he remembers all those times I cleaned my kitchen and let him use my printer. 🙂
Which brings us full circle. Tonight Chef B and Ava G are coming for dinner, which Chef B is cooking. And Uncle Shaggy is coming over and bringing his new girlfriend, who has never been in my house. The Ladies don’t come until Wednesday so the house is a bit worse for wear at the moment. But I febreezed the couch, vacuumed up the dog/cat hair from the hardwoods, made MiniMe clean the guest bathroom toilet and made darn sure the kitchen was clean for Chef Badass. I hope he remembers 5 years from now that I like Ciroc Red Berry, a stool with a back and a foot rest and to hire a cute waiter named Julio.
Almost Divorce Part 37- Baby Steps
Posted: 2012/02/23 Filed under: Dating and Relationships, Ramblings | Tags: Forgive, forgiveness, my personal catfish story, Relationships 1 CommentThis series is published roughly once a week on Thursday’s.
You can start at the beginning here
The timeline is here.
Last week we covered Lesson 1 of Reconciliation, We each worked on ourselves. Even before the Divorce got put on hold we both went to individual counseling. Not to work on our marriage but to work on ourselves. What that meant was we were more aware people with a better capability to communicate properly with each other. We had a chance to be able to see mistakes we each had made in our marriage without the others judgement of those mistakes. The great news about this was the change it caused in Babu. In typical man style, before he went to individual therapy he thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, that he had zero issues and that everything was my fault. He was the great “victim” in all of this. He learned he was wrong, that he had shit to own and change and without that realization and the work he put into himself and his actions over the summer we never would have been able to get back together or stay together. He realized there were things about himself that he needed to change, for him, not for me. He found his spine and he found his ability to evolve into a man, not a boy. He recognized things he could have done, should have done differently in our relationship. He discovered what kind of MAN he wanted to be and started to change his thought patterns and actions to become that man. I have talked a ton about doing work on myself so I’m not going to further outline it again. At our core we were still the same people we had always been. The foundation of almost 12 years of being a couple was still there. I once loved this man, he was still very much in love with me. For him what he truly wanted never wavered, I have heard it from him and from my SIL. He was the one in this situation that was trying to never give up while I was the one trying to push him away while I ran. I don’t think you often find love like that, and I’m grateful for it..now. I certainly didn’t always feel so positively about it during this debacle. Knowing he loved me like THAT is part of the reason we are still together today. He looked into himself and found some self respect and learned to love himself and change his actions to demand the respect he deserved from me as well. It was one of the game changers. I also learned a lot of things about our relationship that I needed to handle differently and together we set out to do that. But not at first.
At first we both had to seriously take a moment and determine if it was worth it to even try to get back together. We were as I have said numerous times, HOURS AWAY FROM DIVORCE. We were both over it, it was done, about to be over. It would have been so much easier to simply stay on course. To continue and go to the bank the next day, or the next and get that Divorce Decree notarized and take it to the judge. The kids and the adults were coming out the far end of the emotional tunnel. Everyone was used to the new dynamic and the new schedule. It was on the verge of becoming the new accepted normal. We had all been practicing it for 3 months, a new school year had already begun. Tab told me on more than one occasion that it is best if separations do not last longer than 6 months. She educated me that in her professional opinion, the longer things go on the closer everything DOES become to the new normal and it gets harder and harder to put things back together again. Basically you reach a point where you are actually creating even more new obstacles to a path of reconciliation if you let a separation go on too long. You both get settled into your new lives and re-adjusting them as well as the pressure s of trying to get back or stay together can be too much. I knew the clock was ticking on that window, and I knew I would have to make a firm decision very soon. Ultimately I decided to try because of Paul’s lies and because of our children. I felt I owed it to my kids, myself, and lastly Babu to really take a look at things with my new perspective and explore them. Because of Paul’s lies I couldn’t totally trust all my decisions and actions. His lies pushed me away from Divorce. I should thank him for being a despicable double douche bag. He tried to destroy me and instead played a major part in making my life much better and making me much better. Cheers to you Paul Jay Mathis!
I don’t know who started the, what are we going to do here, conversation, but I do remember the first thing we decided is that Babu would come with the kids and I on a pre-scheduled Bad Gurls and Families Vacation to the Chateau. I think it was probably more like I invited him to see how things went. This trip was scheduled over Labor Day Weekend, mine that year in the Holiday rotation. Before we almost divorced the Bad Gurls hadn’t really mixed the husbands much. I had gotten to know them both better over the summer due to the copious amount of time I spent with everyone. The Bad Gurls were down with Babu coming on the trip if I was and the Chateau is sort of “mine”. It does not belong to my family but we have a very strong claim to it and a long history of spending time there. My father’s ashes are buried on the property and I hadn’t been to visit more than 1-2 times since we put him there when I was preggers with MiniMe. I just told the kids that I invited daddy because The Chateau was a family vacation place and he was going to come. Never during our reconciliation was there a time when we sat those kids down and said Mommy and Daddy are getting back together. There were no guarantees that was going to happen and we were not about to get their hopes or only to break their little hearts again. I was still reeling from Paul, I was still crying almost daily even weeks and weeks later. Even though what Paul broke was a stronger me, not a shell of me that he met, I still had to pick myself back up from that loss and find some solid ground. I needed to make sure I wasn’t just running back to Babu. I needed to see if I thought I could love him again. I needed to see if it looked like we could forgive each other. Babu and I had lots and lots and LOTS to work through and I couldn’t do it all while in the state of grief I was in. We had to take baby steps.
More to come soon Lovies!
Who coined BGP for me? Righteous Momma did!!!
Posted: 2012/02/20 Filed under: Lovies | Tags: BGP, Big Girl Panties, Forgive, forgiveness, Relationships 1 Comment
Happy Monday Lovies! I’ve really been enjoying participating in the Photo a Day Challenge for February created by Fat Mum Slim. It’s fairly quick and easy to do because it takes a lot less time to follow a pre- ordained theme and snap a few pictures than it does to write a post. Yesterday she released the themes for March and I had to stop and think.
Am I going to keep doing this photo a day thing? I’m not a photographer by trade or hobby. I haven’t taken daily pictures since the Gonewild days and though I enjoy coming up with ways to capture the theme, it seems a little silly to keep doing it if I’m not going to grow or make it more meaningful somehow. I’m only using my iPhone and instagram even though Babu got me a new point and click camera for Christmas. Should I maybe work to get technically better at photography if I’m going to keep taking daily pics? I haven’t written nearly as much since I embarked on this project and though I like providing daily, quick content , it isn’t nearly as satisfying as sharing my writing with you. The AD story is in the reconciliation phase and isn’t going to last forever. If anything ever develops on the Paul front I would probably write about it, but this isn’t a movie and there is no big movie gesture coming so the subject is drying up and folding into my life. I’ve got plenty of other things I write about, but do I really have time to commit to pics daily and writing 2-3 times a week? I was working through all of these things in my head last night as I was falling asleep when it hit me, what if I tried to take some of the photos and after I post them for the day, expand upon them and tell a story? As it just so happens today’s photo is a perfect example of how I can do that. I’m going to tell you the story of how the phrase BGP came into my life!
About 6 years ago when The Destroyer was a tiny baby and I was much fatter I started looking for local Mommies Groups to join. Now most of these groups are predominantly for Stay at Home Mom’s, of which I am most assuredly not. So I had to find a group or groups that were working mom friendly, and it was harder than you’d think. Also once I’d find one, I had to try to work their events into my schedule, determine if there was anyone I clicked with etc. Not to mention that running a Mom’s group is pretty much a thankless job and bitches are catty, so even if I found a group I liked, it didn’t always stay in existence or active as long as I’d like. So sometimes I would be in 2 or 3 at once as I navigated my way through the world of Mommy groups.
If you only know me through reading this blog or you don’t yet know me very well in real life you may be under the mistaken assumption that I go though life with my IDGAF ( I don’t give a fuck) if you like me amour permanently on. Let me tell you this is absolutely not the case. My, and I think most girls, preference is to be liked, to click with other girls and to have that initial click grow into a meaningful relationship. The truth is not everyone can like you, nor probably should they. As I have gotten older I’ve become much more comfortable with that realization, what other people think of you does not define who you are to anyone but them. If I care about you I absolutely care about what you think, I want your honest call bullshit opinion about things. If I don’t, well you are more than welcome to your opinion and to however strong your feelings about your opinion are. I’m not about to tell you how you should feel, only that if you’re hating you may want to find a better more productive outlet because hating is a lot of work and it’s sad that you spend time poisoning yourself and/or others on my account.
How does this tie in with joining new mommy groups? Well duh, when you are putting your self out there to a bunch of new people, you certainly hope it is an enjoyable experience, not a sucky one. When I joined Righteous Momma’s group I went to 1 or 2 events before it became obvious that this one bitch was seriously HATING on me. As in being obviously mean and trying to be a bully directly to me. I think she was jealous or alpha or whatever, but it became a, she was causing drama about me problem, and I was the NEW GIRL!! I didn’t let her bully me, but I didn’t get in the bitches face either because I was the new girl. I won’t go into the drama bitchy girl details, but the way it worked out was Righteous Momma called me or we ended up at an event where Bitchy wasn’t there and all the details came out. Turns out Bitchy had been causing a lot of other drama as well and Righteous reserved judgement on me until she got to know me better, and when she did she liked me. She is a prime example of fearlessly be yourself and she recognized that in me. She also recognized my BGP attitude. So Bitchy left the group and I stayed and made some friends I still have today . Her group fizzled but one of its main tenants was basically no drama and no bull shit. Put on your Big Girl Panties and own it. It was like God shined down from heaven and put words on how I think we all should conduct ourselves. I adopted the mantra and I have been seeking to live it to the fullest ever since. I can’t remember if I or Righteous added Big Boy Boxers to that mantra but I have ingrained it into my life and I seek to spread it to others as much as possible. Nothing bad can come from putting on the BGP and owning it. And if something bad does come of it, you will get through it, but it all starts with finding them, putting them on and seeking the fullest extent of ownership you are currently capable of. The flip side of that is learning to still love and forgive yourself when you can’t find them, or don’t want to put them on. We all go through times like that. Just keep trying 🙂 ❤
Love you Righteous Momma and now I have given you the rightful credit for bringing the mantra into my life!
Almost Divorce Part 36: The change begins inside of YOU
Posted: 2012/02/16 Filed under: Dating and Relationships, Ramblings | Tags: Forgive, forgiveness, my personal catfish story, Relationships 2 CommentsThis series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
How did you do it? This is the number one question I am asked about our reconciliation. I’m not sure I have a cut and dry answer for you Lovies, but I will try to represent and tell this part of the story in the same raw and no holds barred manner that I have given you the rest. But you simply must understand that this part of my world is a little more private, because it is the marriage I currently enjoy, instead of some bad fairy tale of the devil I willingly danced with. I always try to be very careful not to give other people’s secrets away in this public forum, unless those secrets were lies, and then well… you’ve already seen that part.
I’ve often said that I have a 1% husband. A Husband who is better than 99% of all husbands out there. He is MY husband so I suppose it is a good thing that I feel this way, but I want to get in writing those same type of caveat items that prefaced the r/gonewild and gone wild chat posts. My marriage is not perfect, there is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people. There is also not a perfect person for you or for him, because neither of you are perfect. You are human, and as such beautifully flawed and always in some state of incomplete. There is no perfect mate, perfect time, perfect anything. It is a nice ideal to shoot for, we should seek to change, grow, become more, less, better whatever adjective you choose for whatever “it” is you seek to change. There are things about myself, Babu and our marriage that drive me absolutely NUTS! I fold them into this best life we are living because quite frankly that is simply just how life is. If you want happiness the first thing you need to do is let go of holding so tightly to whatever you think happy is. Here is a huge news flash for you Lovies, THINGS DO NOT ALWAYS TURN OUT OR EXIST IN THE MANNER YOU EXPECTED IN YOUR HEAD, LET IT GO AND ADAPT. Holding on too tightly to that expectation is only going to cause you emotional angst. Don’t wallow in that angst, if you spending time being pissed, angry, sad, or whatever other negative emotion you are harboring about what you wanted/expected/think you deserve you are only poisoning yourself and staying stuck. You are not a tree, if you don’t like something in your life, then seek to change it. And by the way the key to seeking to changing it is not in influencing or controlling others or the situation. It is in seeking to look inside YOURSELF and making the changes there.
Welcome to life. Put on your Big Girl Panties or Big Boy Boxers and own it.
Oh you don’t like that answer? Neither did I when I first discovered it. Hell, I have remind myself of my own mantra on a regular basis. The crazy bitch lives inside of me, right next to the pathetic one, the weak one, etc.. ALL of us have those little pieces of not perfect inside of us. Your first key is to spend some mindful time seeking to become self-aware. Examine yourself, reconcile yourself and learn to love yourself. Forgive yourself, forgive others. No one else can do this for you, NO ONE ELSE CAN DO THIS FOR YOU. Don’t like something inside of you, don’t know who you are, don’t know what is wrong with you, don’t know how your life got “here”? All of the answers to those questions are there, inside of you, if you will only put in the emotional and mindful practice of discovering them and working to tweak them in whatever manner you think is best for you. Got childhood issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, trust issues, control issues, whatever issues. OWN THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! You are an adult now, you are no longer owned by your past. Your past does not control you, your past does not dictate how your future has to be, at any given time you are in some control of the end of your own story. Don’t like that answer? Get the fuck over it and do the awful sometimes gut wrenching but so very worth it in the end work of change or choose to stay in whatever state of misery and stuck you are in. It is quite bluntly your choice. How badly you truly want it is shown by how hard you CHOOSE to truly keep working for it.
I’m no better than you, no more capable than you, I’ve just had to learn this the hard way and I’m passing along some already started on this journey notes. It is not easy work, it is not fun work, is is not short work. It is continual work. I promise the more you do it the better you will get at it. The faster you will see when you start down a path of old behavior or thinking, the less time you will allow yourself to remain there, and the faster and with more conviction you will be able to course correct yourself with LOVE instead of judgement and beating yourself up. You are never going to be perfectly the way you want to be, and neither is your life, your marriage, your kids, your job, your friendships or anything else in life, save a really great vodka and a good pair of designer jeans that transform your ass into something magical. I’m not special and I’m not always good at taking my own advice. If you are human, you can do this. Don’t underestimate yourself, your worth, or what kind of life you deserve to choose to live.
It may take medication, it may take finding a good therapist, it may take using other bad things to cope for a while, it may take running or kick boxing or Zumba or cycling. It may take a LOT longer to do than you’d like, it may be MUCH harder than you ever imagined and there will be times when you simply want to throw your hands in the air and say FUCK IT. Find in yourself the strength to go on, find GOD if you choose to believe in HIM and the power he can provide you in all things, find a network or even one true friend to lean on, find books to help, blogs to read. Seek these things out, trust in yourself and go for it. You will be amazed at how much “better” things will get little by little or sometimes even by leaps and bounds. All because you did, are doing, want to do the hard work of affecting change within yourself.
You are beautiful, you are worth it, you deserve your version of a good life and you need to love and respect yourself enough to make it happen.
Lesson #1 is over, the key to putting it all back together for us was that we each sought to change ourselves. More to come soon Lovies.
Closer to Lola 
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