Chemistry+Timing+Work =LOVE

Down for the work! 


Is your Romeo a Fauxmeo?

I’ve been through various stages of dating since I became single two years ago and recently I encountered a Catfish on Tinder.  While I enjoy a good  trip to emotional Fantasy Island every now and then, I don’t interact with a Fauxmeo once I figure it out and most of the time the profile is the giveaway.  This is their job, they have a process and a rhythm to their game, and some of them are very good.  The full scam works like this; gain your emotional and fiscal trust as quickly as possible. Get your money by first convincing you to either give them a little bit of yours or take some of theirs.  This will happen via convoluted emergency and he needs some money to be able to get to you or for his sick kid etc.  Or out of  he’s going to take care of you baby. He wants to convince you to open a new bank account, or deposit his money into your current bank account, keep some and send the rest back to him.   Once he has your bank information he waits a tiny bit and then cleans out your account.  Now you don’t have to delete your Tinder profile and swear off internet dating. There are a lot of quality real men out there so don’t shut them off just because of a few bad fish.   Fauxmeo’s screw up all the time and in pretty obvious ways.   Armed with your  Warrior Goddess confidence , a few tips and a healthy attitude of trust and verify; you can continue to navigate online dating and know when to cut Fauxmeo loose.

How to spot Fauxmeo

  1. He’s hot and he’s hot to talk

    • His profile is going to have 3 or less pictures, the miles might be multiple thousands away, the profile itself will either be blank or of the “this guy is the one in a million” variety.   The pictures are of handsome tall men so at least your Fauxmeo will be a looker.  He will move to his cell phone asap and may unmatch you so you cannot have any contact with him on the dating site. He will move you from texting to calling to email asap as well. He wants to have as much info and access to you as possible
  2. Where’s Fauxmeo?

    • His location is a constant convolution and he won’t be able to see you until some future. He’s Australian, working in Syria for the US Government.  He’s British working in the US but went to school in Scotland.  He’s Scottish, born in England,  but lives in CA but his kid lives where you do. He also travels for work so this weekend he’s in Texas or London but he’s coming your way  soon. Fauxmeo will fuck up his time zones, or his climate/weather will be off in conversation or pics or the coffee shop doesn’t look like Texas or why is he driving on the right side of the car in his selfie.  Pay attention to the details of what someone is telling you as well as what they are saying. It’s hard to juggle multiple clients at once and keep it all straight.
  3. Telephone Game

    • He calls you more than he texts. His accent isn’t what country he said or his voice doesn’t match his picture. When he talks to you he goes back and forth between telling you how amazing you are, telling you his back sob story to set precedent for why he’s going to need money, or seeing how quickly he can gain your trust and get you under his control. If a man is telling you when to eat, sleep, bathe or call he’s not caring and nurturing he’s controlling you.  Most of us can see right through this bullshit, but the way he will try this will be suave, so push back and wait to hear the edge in his voice or notice the way he pushes your no.   Does he ever accidentally call or text you the wrong name, or from a different ( and totally new location) phone?  Does the phone sound like you’re calling a call center, delays or echos like an international call? Does he have what sounds like multiple phones because you hear ringing in the background or he has to go to take an important call all the time?  Pay attention to what’s going on in the background of the calls, does that not sound like an airport?   I think you get the picture.
  4. Money Honey

    • He brings up money right away. Some pretend to have dire straights, but others bring it up  in a he has some kind of way.   He alludes or outright cops to a great job, he’s intelligent and he can talk his way around the industry and other job details. He wants to know how much money you make, or have or spend. He wants to know if you like surprises, your perfume, favorite flower. If you talk to him long enough he may start sending you gifts and flowers.
  5. Fauxmeo the Love Guru

    • When he texts he sends love songs and tells you how he feels about you all the time and then he asks for your email and starts sending you “love letters”. Read Fauxmeo’s letters a few times. Once because who doesn’t enjoy some sappy love shit, twice to clear the emotional hormones and really look a the verbiage.  Do they read like someone was talk to texting while driving, is the phrasing and vocabulary off, does it read like Instagram love quotes vomited in your inbox?  Fauxmeo wants into your pocketbook, not your pants.  He’s not asking  you for nude selfies, he not sexting you all day long at the office.  He doesn’t have time for that shit either bc he’s busy working as many other potential clients as he can. But he is telling you how hot he is  for you, misses your voice, dreamed about you last night, has always been searching for you or that he can’t wait to meet you.  It feels like a tsunami of love coming your way because it is,  but it probably also feels too soon and too creepy.  Because it’s riding on a tide of bullshit, he’s never even met you.

Don’t take the trip to Fantasy Island any longer than necessary  Lovies.  And please don’t beat yourselves up if you stumble upon one for longer than you’d like. It’s important to remain open and loving as we search for a partner,  but make sure you give everyone the sniff test. Fauxmeo isn’t going to pass.  Good luck out there!

 

 


Fifty Shades of Deja Vu; why your love cannot save him, nor should it

For this one we are going a little deeper into Fifty Shades of  why the  big deal and I’m tackling the epic notion of  love that rescues, saves, transforms.

Hi Lovies, in case you haven’t met me yet my name is Laura and I was a classic fixer until not so very long ago.   If you don’t know what I mean let me explain.   I have attracted a lot of emotionally broken dudes in my time, the last being my borderline sociopath ex-Paul.   Short version is I met Paul at a time in my life when I didn’t have my shit together. It was an online relationship that brought havoc and turmoil in my life, heart, soul and mind.  It was the biggest heartbreak of my life and it  changed me for the better.   Paul may have been the last boy I tried to fix, but he certainly wasn’t the first, or second, or third.  I used to have a habit of falling in lust, like or love with men who were emotionally crippled commitment phobes who I allowed to string me along, sometimes for years at a time.  Like all of us, I have my own set of childhood issues and wanting to feel loved and needed, cherished, paid attention to were all hot buttons for me.   I would entangle myself with these guys and then if they weren’t giving me what I needed because of  whatever issues they had I’d try to give more and more to them in an attempt to fix it, I’d try to be more and more what they wanted so they wouldn’t leave.  Nothing extreme, just your typical, that guy treats you like shit why are you still with him, BS.   Why? Well a myriad of reasons many of which I have written about, but for today  I’m focusing on two things.

1. I did not love myself or think I deserved to be loved, they may have also felt the same way about themselves.

2. I wanted my love and care and how awesome I was to magically fix the guy. I wanted him to magically change through repeated exposure to my love, attention and personality.

Fifty Shades of Grey and Twilight are books that along with  Beauty and the Beast or any rom-com movie where the guy is magically transformed into You Complete Me, do nothing but perpetuate this  myth of love that saves.  And it’s absolute bullshit…but it makes for good reading and watching because somehow many of us are programmed to swoon over that stuff. We feel the characters angst, we see the love blooming, the set backs, the pain of the turmoil,  the emotional break through and the happily ever after.  I want a love like THAT, we think. I want my poor broken, sad, fucked up little man boy to love me, to change from a Beast to a prince, my prince.   It’s fine on the movie or Nook screen, but real love can’t  and shouldn’t work this way.

Anastasia’s love transforms Christian, one brutal emotional roller coaster ride at a time.  I don’t think the guy stops trying on his forward momentum of transformation from the moment she trips into his office until the epilogue when they are expecting their 2nd baby.   When I started reading this book the first guy I though of was Paul, my personal fifty shades.    Not knowing what all the hype was about I got curious and started reading, mostly to see what the sex scenes were like.  Then I was confronted with Christian, severe mommy issues, emotional issues, self loathing and no love of  himself. Deja Vu,  I buckled in for the potential emotional roller coaster and took the ride.  He always trying, so did Paul, but unlike Paul,  Christian is fictionally created to easily succeed at it.   As I read I kept waiting for him to turn completely sociopath, or some other kind of evil monsterliness. This never happens, he is written with plenty of reason to roll your eyes at his controlling behavior and adolescent reactions to anything and everything, but he falls immediately for Ana and spends the next 3 books slowly changing, working to move forward out of the darkness and into the light with Ana.  For her part Ana decides early on that this man is worth 110% of all her effort and seeks to bring him into said light with her, where they can be happy and he can be whole. Why anyone with any brains would want someone THAT messed up for her first real boyfriend I couldn’t begin to tell you, it’s fiction after all.

Shorty read before me and was worried about my emotional reaction to the last book, it get’s worse  so if you need to show up on my doorstep when you’re done that door is open, she told me.   I was just done with book one at that time. At the end she leaves him, wants no part of the sub/dom deal.  If he wants to be with her it’s going to have to be in a normal and vanilla   relationship.   The 2nd book starts with him winning her back.  I wondered very briefly what would of happened if I’d managed to make good on any of my attempts to remove myself from Paul’s life in order to try to push  him to be what I wanted; what he said he wanted to be, for himself, for me, and for us.  My fifty shades was either trying or pretending to try to get himself together, it never happened.   I kept reading into book 3, and  I had no choice  but to tackle the theme staring me in the face, I  wanted to  save Paul, to fix him. I wanted my love to heal all of his emotional wounds. I wanted to be THAT girl for him.  It never happened.   I admit I got a little teary eyed, when Ana is in the hospital and  the author is clearing up ALL of Christian’s emotional issues in one chapter while Ana drifts in and out of consciousnesses.  before that it was all three steps forward two steps back and THAT is an emotional game I was very familiar with, because I lived it.     Who knew a mediocre  set of books would allow me to see and reconcile that while I was living that nightmare  I wasn’t trying to fill a  Babu hole with Paul, I was trying to fill Paul’s hole for him. It’s not the first time a book or movie has enlightened me out of nowhere. I once went right home and broke up with a guy after watching “He Said , She Said”   or whatever that movie with Molly Ringwald and Kevin Bacon was called.

I’m not saying there aren’t real life examples of guys and girls that decided to get themselves together when they found “the one”, or “the one” left them.  My ex-Mick got his stuff together when I left him, because I was the third girl he loved to do so for the exact same reason; his inability to share any kind of intimacy and  allow a girl to get and stay close.  It was too late for me to stick around  but he is happily married now.   Everyone has things inside of them that could use work, and another person could certainly serve as a catalyst to spark the desire to change,  or be a pillar of love and support while someone is working to change.  Love is supposed to be team work, but here is the thing…

It is not your job to fix someone else, you can’t, shouldn’t even.  It is your job to love yourself, own your life, seek change and growth, to fearlessly be yourself.  Only then can you properly give to another person. When you are completely reliant on someone else for ALL your emotional upkeep I think they call that co-dependent ( Christian is very co-dependent).  No one can fix you, you can’t fix or save anyone else. You have to love you  complete with beautiful flaws enough to believe that you DO deserve the best life possible.   If you don’t, then you go around making the same mistakes in relationships over and over wondering why there aren’t any good men/women out there.  Or in the case of the broken one, they get left or bail on every relationship they have because they feel like they didn’t deserve you anyway. The broken boy sees himself as unlovable, unworthy, he has no emotional skills worth coveting in a relationship. He isn’t fixable, HE CANNOT LOVE YOU BECAUSE HE DOESN’T LOVE HIMSELF.   My attention,  empathy, understanding, sexiness, feisty personality, attempts to make Paul see  himself in the light I initially saw him in were never ever going to work.  I’m pretty sure this is almost a universal truth.

Successful relationships require whole people who love and respect themselves enough to give appropriately, to set and hold to limits and boundaries.  How can anyone else love or respect you if you don’t love and respect yourself.   Stop messing with potential partners that don’t have that down.  You are beautiful and lovable and you deserve better.


Almost Divorce: Table of Contents

Almost Divorce- Prologue

Almost Divorce- Part 1 And so it begins…

Almost Divorce- Part 2 Craig’s List

Almost Divorce- Part 3 Reddit’s r/gonewild

Almost Divorce- Lies PJ told me

Almost Divorce- Part 4 Make new friends

Almost Divorce- A PJ primer

Almost Divorce- Part 5 Breaking the boundaries

Almost Divorce- The PJ Skype Shenanigans

Almost Divorce- Part 6 GWP; First a note about trolls and creepers.

Almost Divorce- Part 7 Time for a gonewild chat

Almost Divorce Part 8- A note about the Sisterhood;Public vs. Private chat

Time for a BGP self-talk.

Almost Divorce- Part 8.5 Taking a mental health day ❤

Almost Divorce- Part 9 The Timeline

Almost Divorce- Part 10 Parts are parts..until they are attached to people.

Almost Divorce- Part 11 GW Relationships

Almost Divorce- Part 12 Studs in the stable

Almost Divorce- Part 13 And then it happened

Almost Divorce: It’s Just a Fantasy…It’s not the real thing

Almost Divorce- Part 14 PJ Part 2: The roller coaster ride

Almost Divorce – Part 15- PJ Part 3

Almost Divorce Part 16- PJ Part 4

Almost Divorce: PJ and the Delusional Girl aka DG

Almost Divorce- Part 17: PJ Part 5

Almost Divorce- Weekends with PJ

Almost Divorce Part 18: PJ asks for time

Almost Divorce- PJ’s-Lola’s (my) Depression

Almost Divorce- Part 19 PJ Steps it up a notch

Almost Divorce- Part 20 PJ Spoils Lola

Point of Thanks #21-Chef Badass and Ava G; Almost Divorce: Snake on a plane?!?

Almost Divorce Taking a holiday

Almost Divorce Part 21- PJ can’t hold it together for long

Almost Divorce Part 22- PJ severs my heart the first time; New Year new writing

Almost Divorce part 22.5-Oops I forgot an important point

Almost Divorce – The pivotal moment.

Almost Divorce Part 23- PJ comes back

Almost Divorce Part 24- PJ, The Husband, Match.com

Almost Divorce- A childish pictorial of how I was different

Almost Divorce Part 25- July

Almost Divorce- The one time PJ looked evil on cam

Almost Divorce Part 26- PJ settles into his identity

Almost Divorce Part 27- Between Two Lungs

Almost Divorce Part 28 The beginning of the end of PJ

Almost Divorce Part 29- The final countdown August begins

Almost Divorce Part 30- I ask God for help Part 1

Almost Divorce Part 31- God Part 2: The WTF have I done moment finally arrives

Almost Divorce Part 32- The best $13 I ever spent, proving PJ is lying.

Almost Divorce Part 33- Darkness Over Day; PJ’s “death”

Almost Divorce Part 34- All you need to know about sociopaths

Almost Divorce Part 35- How The Husband initally became my Sweet Babu

Almost Divorce Part 36: The change begins inside of YOU

Almost Divorce Part 37- Baby Steps

Almost Divorce- Part 38 Communication


Almost Divorce- Part 38 Communication

This story is concluding today.  You can start at the beginning here.  The timeline is  here.

I think some people in my life think Babu and I just jumped back into being together, that I lost Paul, immediately begged Babu to take me back, and that he just stupidly and willingly came.   This used to bother me slightly because I was still carrying around the new shame of the whole ordeal, now it just makes me laugh.    Let me write it out for you another time, it would have been emotionally easier to simply go on and get divorced. That printed out; ready for the notary Divorce Decree was the weapon of choice in those first weeks when we didn’t know what we wanted to do.

It’s time to revisit communication.  First let’s review.  Remember way back in something like Part 2 when I said that I should of run to Babu and poured my heart completely out about what I was going through and the emotionally issues it was  causing?   I’ve mentioned the hours and hours of awful conversation we had as we started down this journey, all that time spent discussing one yucky situation after another.  We collectively smoked through a pack a day because of all the time we spent in the garage having Mommy and Daddy are going to go in the garage and talk time while the children literally ran amok inside the house.

After we spent a weekend together at the Chateau, we came home and went back to our regularly scheduled lives as separate people.   We still switched the kids on Fridays after school; the opposite parent still had dinner with the kids on Tuesday’s.   We did  make an effort to talk more about what was happening to us,  and to spend more time together as a couple and as a family.  What this looked like to the kids was small things like Mommy being invited to dinner at Daddy’s house and vice versa, or the babysitter coming so Mommy and Daddy could go out.   We didn’t talk to the kids about what any of it meant, or act like it was anything special, we just did it.  We also took a lot of time during those visits to engage in many conversations of varying degrees of emotional discomfort and potentially explosive results.

When we were ruining our marriage and getting divorced we went through lots of anger and yelling, had heart baring, gut wrenching talks.  We learned through all of that practice to get better.   We had no choice  if we were going to become any kind of amicable co parents and all of that drama of our journey helped to teach us how.    Now that we were trying to figure out if we wanted to be a couple again we had to sit down and have more of those talks.   Two people who only weeks ago were ready to move on had to sit down and re-hash their separation, what we learned about ourselves, each other, our relationship.   It was like we were attacking it on two fronts.  Offensively with things like both of us writing down what kind of relationship we want (with anyone) and then meeting to discuss and share. Then the defenses of  anger, grief and confusion that arose when things like: I realized I never tried anything new and when I did I was a douche about it, so while we were separated I hung out with this friend girl and did all this amazing shit I’d never do with you; or how many guys did you sleep with were addressed.   This wasn’t 2 high school kids getting back together after a stupid fight about what Betty said in the lunch room, this was a 12 year relationship that was ripped apart in an amicable but deep and ugly fashion, scars were being reopened, new wounds were being drawn, we still had the “Fuck you, I’ll sign those papers right now and meet you at the bank at noon and we will get divorced anyway”.    We both pulled that line MORE than once before we realized if we were going to have any chance, we had to take that card off the table.  I’d end up divorcing him on proving I don’t bluff alone and that would certainly have been obstinate and stupid stubborn.   We didn’t do anything about the filing, but we had to remove it from our conversation.  Removing it from the conversation forced us both back to  communicating emotionally uncomfortable things  in an as safe and open and environment as we could provide for each other.   My opinion is this communication intimacy is the inner glue that keeps any relationship together.  Intimacy deeper  than just I know a lot about the other person and how their mind works,   what is really in their heart, what are their triggers and issues.   True intimacy allows you to communicate the scariest thing you can imagine and trusting that no matter how awful it is, sharing the fearlessly be yourself  BGP truth of it and trusting that the other person is engaged, committed and capable of loving you in spite of whatever it is. You become a team that sharpens each other, trusts each other, knows when to let each other be and holds each other up in times of need.    True intimacy requires the not always pleasant truth.  I have some level of this intimacy with many of my Besties. There is no relationship more important to have this in than with the person you plan on making a life and children with. I have close to 12 years of marriage in and I will tell you that life and children will do everything they can to tear you apart.   They say pick a mate that is easy to be with in the beginning because “they” know it gets a lot harder as time and life changes are added. The stakes are greater and Babu and I both seem to understand that now.

We baby stepped our way through week after week, then month after  month until one week he went for a visit to Florida and when he got home he came to the house and never left.  Eventually he made the decision to let the apartment go and move all of the displaced stuff back home.  I’ve mentioned some of the miss-steps and distractions of our reconciliation path before. The first year was a little bit of a roller coaster, but we got through it, each on our own, as a couple and as a family.   We are not perfect people, we don’t have a perfect marriage, our family has flaws, but we work to be engaged, committed and capable of loving each other to keep that intimacy glue strong in our marriage.  This doesn’t mean we go around having these kinds of talks all the time these days, or that when we do they are as emotionally charged or as yucky as those from our almost divorce.  Lives  always have set backs but are not always in a state of crisis.

I think we have reasonably reached the end of our story Lovies.  Never one to close a door, I may write an epilogue or random AD post from time to time if I  have something I need to say or add.  Thanks for reading it, I hope you laughed, learned, and loved.


Almost Divorce Part 37- Baby Steps

This series is  published roughly once a week on Thursday’s.

You can start at the beginning here

The timeline is  here.

Last week we  covered Lesson 1 of Reconciliation, We each worked on ourselves.  Even before the Divorce got put on hold we both went to individual counseling. Not to work on our marriage but to work on ourselves.   What that meant was we were more aware people with a better capability to communicate properly with each other.  We had a chance to be able to see mistakes we each had made in our marriage without the  others judgement of those mistakes.  The great news about this was the change it caused in Babu.   In typical man style, before he went to individual therapy he thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, that he had  zero issues and that everything was my fault.   He was the great “victim” in all of this. He learned he was wrong, that he had shit to own and change and without that realization and the work he put into himself and his actions over the summer we never would have been able to get back together or stay together.   He realized there were things about himself that he needed to change, for him, not for me.   He found his spine and he found his ability to evolve into a man, not a boy.  He recognized things he could have done, should have done differently in our relationship.  He discovered what kind of MAN he wanted to be and started to change his thought patterns and actions to become that man.  I  have talked  a ton about doing work on myself so I’m not going to further outline it again.   At our core we were still the same people we had always been. The foundation of  almost 12 years of being a couple was still there. I once loved this man, he was still very much in love with me. For him what he truly wanted never wavered, I have heard it from him and from  my SIL.  He was the one in this situation that was trying to never give up while I was the one trying to push him away while I ran.  I don’t think you often find love like that, and I’m grateful for it..now.   I certainly didn’t always feel so positively about it during this debacle.   Knowing he loved me like THAT is part of the reason we are still together today.  He looked into himself and found some self respect and learned to love himself and change his actions to demand the respect he deserved from me as well.  It was one of the game changers.  I also learned  a lot of things about our relationship that I needed to handle differently and together we set out to do that. But not at first.

At  first we both had to seriously take a moment and determine if it was worth it to even try to get back together.   We were as I have said numerous times, HOURS AWAY FROM DIVORCE.   We were both over it, it was done, about to be over.   It would have been so much easier to simply stay on course. To continue and go to the bank the next day, or the next and get that Divorce Decree notarized and take it to the judge.      The kids  and the adults were coming out the far end of the emotional tunnel. Everyone was used to the new dynamic and the new schedule. It was on the verge of becoming the new accepted normal.  We had all been practicing it  for 3 months,  a new school year had already begun.  Tab told me on more than one occasion that it is best if separations do not last longer than 6 months. She educated me that in her professional opinion, the longer things go on the closer everything DOES become to the new normal and it gets harder and harder to  put things back together again.   Basically you reach a point where you are actually creating even more new  obstacles to a path of reconciliation if you let a separation go on too long. You both get settled into your new lives and re-adjusting them as well as the pressure s of trying to get back or stay together can be too much.    I knew the clock was ticking on that window, and I knew I would have to make a firm decision very soon.  Ultimately I decided to try because of Paul’s lies and because of our children.    I felt I owed it to my kids, myself, and lastly Babu to really take a look at things with my new perspective and explore them.  Because of Paul’s lies I couldn’t totally trust all my decisions and actions. His lies pushed me  away from Divorce.  I should thank him for being a despicable double  douche bag.  He tried to destroy me and instead played a major part in making my life much better and making me much better.   Cheers to you Paul Jay Mathis!

I don’t know who started the, what are we going to do here, conversation, but I do remember the first thing we decided is that Babu would  come with the kids and I on a pre-scheduled  Bad Gurls and  Families Vacation to the Chateau.   I think it was probably more like I invited him to see how things went.   This trip was scheduled over Labor Day Weekend, mine that year in the Holiday rotation. Before we  almost divorced the Bad Gurls hadn’t really mixed the husbands much.   I had gotten to know them both better over the summer due to the copious amount of time I spent with everyone.   The Bad Gurls were down with Babu coming on the trip if I was and the Chateau is sort of “mine”. It does not belong to my family but we have a very strong claim to it and a long history of spending time there.   My father’s ashes are buried on the property and I hadn’t  been to visit  more than 1-2 times since we  put  him there when I was preggers with MiniMe.   I just told the kids that I invited daddy because The Chateau was a family vacation place and he was going to come.   Never during our reconciliation was there a time when we sat those kids down and said Mommy and Daddy are getting back together.   There were no guarantees that was going to happen and we were not about to get their hopes or only to break their little hearts again.    I was still reeling from Paul, I was still crying almost daily even weeks and weeks later.    Even though what Paul broke was a stronger me, not a shell of me that he met, I still had to pick myself back up from that loss and find some solid ground.  I needed to make sure I wasn’t just running back to   Babu. I needed to see if I thought I could love him again. I needed to see if  it looked like we could forgive each other.    Babu and I  had lots and lots and LOTS to work through and I couldn’t do it all while in the state of grief I was in.   We had to take baby steps.

More to come soon Lovies!

 


Almost Divorce Part 36: The change begins inside of YOU

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

How did you do it?  This is the number one question I am asked about our reconciliation.   I’m not sure I have a cut and dry answer for you  Lovies, but I will try to represent and tell this part of the story in the same raw and no holds barred manner that I have given you the rest.   But you simply must understand that this part of my world is a little more private, because it is the marriage I currently enjoy,  instead of some bad fairy tale of the  devil I willingly danced with.  I always try to be very careful not to give other people’s secrets away in this public forum, unless those secrets were lies, and then well… you’ve already seen that part.

I’ve often said that I have a 1% husband. A Husband who is better than 99% of all husbands out there.  He is MY husband so I suppose it is a good thing that I feel this way, but I want to get in writing those same type of caveat items that prefaced the  r/gonewild and gone wild chat posts.   My marriage is not perfect, there is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people.  There  is also not a perfect person for you or for him, because neither of you are perfect. You are human, and as such beautifully flawed and always in some state of incomplete.   There is no perfect mate, perfect time, perfect anything.  It is a nice ideal to shoot for, we should seek to change, grow, become more, less, better whatever adjective you choose for whatever “it” is you seek to change.  There are things about myself,  Babu and our marriage that drive me absolutely NUTS!   I fold them into this best life we are living because quite frankly that is simply just how life is.  If you want happiness the first thing you need to do is let go of holding so tightly to whatever you think happy is.    Here is a huge news flash for you Lovies,  THINGS DO NOT ALWAYS TURN OUT OR EXIST IN THE MANNER YOU EXPECTED IN YOUR HEAD, LET IT GO AND ADAPT.   Holding on too tightly to that expectation is only going to cause you emotional angst. Don’t wallow in that angst, if you spending time being pissed, angry, sad, or whatever other negative emotion you are harboring about what you wanted/expected/think you deserve you are only poisoning yourself and staying stuck.   You are not a tree, if you don’t like something in your life, then seek to change it. And by the way the key to seeking to changing it is not in influencing or controlling others or the situation. It is in seeking to look inside YOURSELF and making the changes there.

Welcome  to life. Put on your Big Girl Panties or Big Boy Boxers and own it.

Oh you don’t like that answer? Neither did I when I first discovered it.  Hell, I have remind myself of  my own mantra on a regular basis.    The crazy bitch lives inside of me, right next to the pathetic one, the weak one, etc.. ALL of us have those little pieces of not perfect inside of us.  Your first key is to spend some mindful time seeking to  become self-aware. Examine yourself, reconcile yourself and learn to love yourself.   Forgive yourself, forgive others.  No one else can do this for you, NO ONE ELSE CAN DO THIS FOR YOU.   Don’t like something inside of you,  don’t know who you are, don’t know what is wrong with you, don’t know how your life got “here”? All of the answers to those questions are there, inside of you, if you will only put in the emotional and mindful practice of discovering them and working to tweak them in whatever manner you think is best for you.   Got childhood issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, trust issues, control issues, whatever issues. OWN THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! You are an adult now, you are  no longer owned by your past.   Your past does not control you, your past does not dictate  how your future has to be, at any given time you are in some control of the end of your own story.  Don’t like that answer?  Get the fuck over it and do the awful  sometimes gut wrenching but so very worth it in the end work of change or choose to stay in whatever  state of misery and stuck you are in.   It is quite bluntly your choice. How badly you truly want it is shown by how hard you CHOOSE to truly keep working for it.

I’m no better than you, no more capable than you, I’ve just had to learn this the hard way and I’m passing along some already started on this  journey  notes.   It is not easy work, it is not fun work, is is not short work.  It is continual work.   I promise the more you do it the better you will get at it. The faster you will see when you start down a path of old behavior or thinking,  the less time you will allow yourself to remain there, and the faster and with more  conviction you will be able to course correct yourself with LOVE instead of judgement and beating yourself up.   You are never going to be perfectly the way you want to be, and neither is your life, your marriage, your kids, your job, your friendships or anything else  in life, save a really great vodka and a good pair of designer jeans that transform your ass into  something magical.    I’m not special and I’m not always good at taking my own advice.   If you are human, you can do this. Don’t underestimate yourself, your worth, or what  kind of life you deserve to  choose to live.

It may take medication, it may take finding a good therapist, it may take using other bad things to cope for a while, it may take running or kick boxing or Zumba or cycling.  It may take a LOT longer to do than you’d like, it may be MUCH harder than you ever imagined and there will be times when you simply want to throw your hands in the air and say FUCK IT.    Find  in yourself the strength to go on, find GOD if you choose to believe in HIM and the power he can provide you in all things, find a network or even one true friend to lean on, find books to help, blogs to read. Seek these things out, trust in yourself and go for it.  You will be amazed at how much “better” things will get little by little or sometimes even by leaps and bounds.  All because you did, are doing, want to do the hard work of affecting change  within yourself.

You are beautiful, you are worth it, you deserve your version of a good life and you need to love and respect yourself enough to make it happen.

Lesson #1 is over, the key to putting it all back together for us was that we each sought to change ourselves.   More to come soon Lovies.