I’ve been through various stages of dating since I became single two years ago and recently I encountered a Catfish on Tinder. While I enjoy a good trip to emotional Fantasy Island every now and then, I don’t interact with a Fauxmeo once I figure it out and most of the time the profile is the giveaway. This is their job, they have a process and a rhythm to their game, and some of them are very good. The full scam works like this; gain your emotional and fiscal trust as quickly as possible. Get your money by first convincing you to either give them a little bit of yours or take some of theirs. This will happen via convoluted emergency and he needs some money to be able to get to you or for his sick kid etc. Or out of he’s going to take care of you baby. He wants to convince you to open a new bank account, or deposit his money into your current bank account, keep some and send the rest back to him. Once he has your bank information he waits a tiny bit and then cleans out your account. Now you don’t have to delete your Tinder profile and swear off internet dating. There are a lot of quality real men out there so don’t shut them off just because of a few bad fish. Fauxmeo’s screw up all the time and in pretty obvious ways. Armed with your Warrior Goddess confidence , a few tips and a healthy attitude of trust and verify; you can continue to navigate online dating and know when to cut Fauxmeo loose.
How to spot Fauxmeo
He’s hot and he’s hot to talk
- His profile is going to have 3 or less pictures, the miles might be multiple thousands away, the profile itself will either be blank or of the “this guy is the one in a million” variety. The pictures are of handsome tall men so at least your Fauxmeo will be a looker. He will move to his cell phone asap and may unmatch you so you cannot have any contact with him on the dating site. He will move you from texting to calling to email asap as well. He wants to have as much info and access to you as possible
- His location is a constant convolution and he won’t be able to see you until some future. He’s Australian, working in Syria for the US Government. He’s British working in the US but went to school in Scotland. He’s Scottish, born in England, but lives in CA but his kid lives where you do. He also travels for work so this weekend he’s in Texas or London but he’s coming your way soon. Fauxmeo will fuck up his time zones, or his climate/weather will be off in conversation or pics or the coffee shop doesn’t look like Texas or why is he driving on the right side of the car in his selfie. Pay attention to the details of what someone is telling you as well as what they are saying. It’s hard to juggle multiple clients at once and keep it all straight.
- He calls you more than he texts. His accent isn’t what country he said or his voice doesn’t match his picture. When he talks to you he goes back and forth between telling you how amazing you are, telling you his back sob story to set precedent for why he’s going to need money, or seeing how quickly he can gain your trust and get you under his control. If a man is telling you when to eat, sleep, bathe or call he’s not caring and nurturing he’s controlling you. Most of us can see right through this bullshit, but the way he will try this will be suave, so push back and wait to hear the edge in his voice or notice the way he pushes your no. Does he ever accidentally call or text you the wrong name, or from a different ( and totally new location) phone? Does the phone sound like you’re calling a call center, delays or echos like an international call? Does he have what sounds like multiple phones because you hear ringing in the background or he has to go to take an important call all the time? Pay attention to what’s going on in the background of the calls, does that not sound like an airport? I think you get the picture.
- He brings up money right away. Some pretend to have dire straights, but others bring it up in a he has some kind of way. He alludes or outright cops to a great job, he’s intelligent and he can talk his way around the industry and other job details. He wants to know how much money you make, or have or spend. He wants to know if you like surprises, your perfume, favorite flower. If you talk to him long enough he may start sending you gifts and flowers.
Fauxmeo the Love Guru
- When he texts he sends love songs and tells you how he feels about you all the time and then he asks for your email and starts sending you “love letters”. Read Fauxmeo’s letters a few times. Once because who doesn’t enjoy some sappy love shit, twice to clear the emotional hormones and really look a the verbiage. Do they read like someone was talk to texting while driving, is the phrasing and vocabulary off, does it read like Instagram love quotes vomited in your inbox? Fauxmeo wants into your pocketbook, not your pants. He’s not asking you for nude selfies, he not sexting you all day long at the office. He doesn’t have time for that shit either bc he’s busy working as many other potential clients as he can. But he is telling you how hot he is for you, misses your voice, dreamed about you last night, has always been searching for you or that he can’t wait to meet you. It feels like a tsunami of love coming your way because it is, but it probably also feels too soon and too creepy. Because it’s riding on a tide of bullshit, he’s never even met you.
Don’t take the trip to Fantasy Island any longer than necessary Lovies. And please don’t beat yourselves up if you stumble upon one for longer than you’d like. It’s important to remain open and loving as we search for a partner, but make sure you give everyone the sniff test. Fauxmeo isn’t going to pass. Good luck out there!
For this one we are going a little deeper into Fifty Shades of why the big deal and I’m tackling the epic notion of love that rescues, saves, transforms.
Hi Lovies, in case you haven’t met me yet my name is Laura and I was a classic fixer until not so very long ago. If you don’t know what I mean let me explain. I have attracted a lot of emotionally broken dudes in my time, the last being my borderline sociopath ex-Paul. Short version is I met Paul at a time in my life when I didn’t have my shit together. It was an online relationship that brought havoc and turmoil in my life, heart, soul and mind. It was the biggest heartbreak of my life and it changed me for the better. Paul may have been the last boy I tried to fix, but he certainly wasn’t the first, or second, or third. I used to have a habit of falling in lust, like or love with men who were emotionally crippled commitment phobes who I allowed to string me along, sometimes for years at a time. Like all of us, I have my own set of childhood issues and wanting to feel loved and needed, cherished, paid attention to were all hot buttons for me. I would entangle myself with these guys and then if they weren’t giving me what I needed because of whatever issues they had I’d try to give more and more to them in an attempt to fix it, I’d try to be more and more what they wanted so they wouldn’t leave. Nothing extreme, just your typical, that guy treats you like shit why are you still with him, BS. Why? Well a myriad of reasons many of which I have written about, but for today I’m focusing on two things.
1. I did not love myself or think I deserved to be loved, they may have also felt the same way about themselves.
2. I wanted my love and care and how awesome I was to magically fix the guy. I wanted him to magically change through repeated exposure to my love, attention and personality.
Fifty Shades of Grey and Twilight are books that along with Beauty and the Beast or any rom-com movie where the guy is magically transformed into You Complete Me, do nothing but perpetuate this myth of love that saves. And it’s absolute bullshit…but it makes for good reading and watching because somehow many of us are programmed to swoon over that stuff. We feel the characters angst, we see the love blooming, the set backs, the pain of the turmoil, the emotional break through and the happily ever after. I want a love like THAT, we think. I want my poor broken, sad, fucked up little man boy to love me, to change from a Beast to a prince, my prince. It’s fine on the movie or Nook screen, but real love can’t and shouldn’t work this way.
Anastasia’s love transforms Christian, one brutal emotional roller coaster ride at a time. I don’t think the guy stops trying on his forward momentum of transformation from the moment she trips into his office until the epilogue when they are expecting their 2nd baby. When I started reading this book the first guy I though of was Paul, my personal fifty shades. Not knowing what all the hype was about I got curious and started reading, mostly to see what the sex scenes were like. Then I was confronted with Christian, severe mommy issues, emotional issues, self loathing and no love of himself. Deja Vu, I buckled in for the potential emotional roller coaster and took the ride. He always trying, so did Paul, but unlike Paul, Christian is fictionally created to easily succeed at it. As I read I kept waiting for him to turn completely sociopath, or some other kind of evil monsterliness. This never happens, he is written with plenty of reason to roll your eyes at his controlling behavior and adolescent reactions to anything and everything, but he falls immediately for Ana and spends the next 3 books slowly changing, working to move forward out of the darkness and into the light with Ana. For her part Ana decides early on that this man is worth 110% of all her effort and seeks to bring him into said light with her, where they can be happy and he can be whole. Why anyone with any brains would want someone THAT messed up for her first real boyfriend I couldn’t begin to tell you, it’s fiction after all.
Shorty read before me and was worried about my emotional reaction to the last book, it get’s worse so if you need to show up on my doorstep when you’re done that door is open, she told me. I was just done with book one at that time. At the end she leaves him, wants no part of the sub/dom deal. If he wants to be with her it’s going to have to be in a normal and vanilla relationship. The 2nd book starts with him winning her back. I wondered very briefly what would of happened if I’d managed to make good on any of my attempts to remove myself from Paul’s life in order to try to push him to be what I wanted; what he said he wanted to be, for himself, for me, and for us. My fifty shades was either trying or pretending to try to get himself together, it never happened. I kept reading into book 3, and I had no choice but to tackle the theme staring me in the face, I wanted to save Paul, to fix him. I wanted my love to heal all of his emotional wounds. I wanted to be THAT girl for him. It never happened. I admit I got a little teary eyed, when Ana is in the hospital and the author is clearing up ALL of Christian’s emotional issues in one chapter while Ana drifts in and out of consciousnesses. before that it was all three steps forward two steps back and THAT is an emotional game I was very familiar with, because I lived it. Who knew a mediocre set of books would allow me to see and reconcile that while I was living that nightmare I wasn’t trying to fill a Babu hole with Paul, I was trying to fill Paul’s hole for him. It’s not the first time a book or movie has enlightened me out of nowhere. I once went right home and broke up with a guy after watching “He Said , She Said” or whatever that movie with Molly Ringwald and Kevin Bacon was called.
I’m not saying there aren’t real life examples of guys and girls that decided to get themselves together when they found “the one”, or “the one” left them. My ex-Mick got his stuff together when I left him, because I was the third girl he loved to do so for the exact same reason; his inability to share any kind of intimacy and allow a girl to get and stay close. It was too late for me to stick around but he is happily married now. Everyone has things inside of them that could use work, and another person could certainly serve as a catalyst to spark the desire to change, or be a pillar of love and support while someone is working to change. Love is supposed to be team work, but here is the thing…
It is not your job to fix someone else, you can’t, shouldn’t even. It is your job to love yourself, own your life, seek change and growth, to fearlessly be yourself. Only then can you properly give to another person. When you are completely reliant on someone else for ALL your emotional upkeep I think they call that co-dependent ( Christian is very co-dependent). No one can fix you, you can’t fix or save anyone else. You have to love you complete with beautiful flaws enough to believe that you DO deserve the best life possible. If you don’t, then you go around making the same mistakes in relationships over and over wondering why there aren’t any good men/women out there. Or in the case of the broken one, they get left or bail on every relationship they have because they feel like they didn’t deserve you anyway. The broken boy sees himself as unlovable, unworthy, he has no emotional skills worth coveting in a relationship. He isn’t fixable, HE CANNOT LOVE YOU BECAUSE HE DOESN’T LOVE HIMSELF. My attention, empathy, understanding, sexiness, feisty personality, attempts to make Paul see himself in the light I initially saw him in were never ever going to work. I’m pretty sure this is almost a universal truth.
Successful relationships require whole people who love and respect themselves enough to give appropriately, to set and hold to limits and boundaries. How can anyone else love or respect you if you don’t love and respect yourself. Stop messing with potential partners that don’t have that down. You are beautiful and lovable and you deserve better.
I think some people in my life think Babu and I just jumped back into being together, that I lost Paul, immediately begged Babu to take me back, and that he just stupidly and willingly came. This used to bother me slightly because I was still carrying around the new shame of the whole ordeal, now it just makes me laugh. Let me write it out for you another time, it would have been emotionally easier to simply go on and get divorced. That printed out; ready for the notary Divorce Decree was the weapon of choice in those first weeks when we didn’t know what we wanted to do.
It’s time to revisit communication. First let’s review. Remember way back in something like Part 2 when I said that I should of run to Babu and poured my heart completely out about what I was going through and the emotionally issues it was causing? I’ve mentioned the hours and hours of awful conversation we had as we started down this journey, all that time spent discussing one yucky situation after another. We collectively smoked through a pack a day because of all the time we spent in the garage having Mommy and Daddy are going to go in the garage and talk time while the children literally ran amok inside the house.
After we spent a weekend together at the Chateau, we came home and went back to our regularly scheduled lives as separate people. We still switched the kids on Fridays after school; the opposite parent still had dinner with the kids on Tuesday’s. We did make an effort to talk more about what was happening to us, and to spend more time together as a couple and as a family. What this looked like to the kids was small things like Mommy being invited to dinner at Daddy’s house and vice versa, or the babysitter coming so Mommy and Daddy could go out. We didn’t talk to the kids about what any of it meant, or act like it was anything special, we just did it. We also took a lot of time during those visits to engage in many conversations of varying degrees of emotional discomfort and potentially explosive results.
When we were ruining our marriage and getting divorced we went through lots of anger and yelling, had heart baring, gut wrenching talks. We learned through all of that practice to get better. We had no choice if we were going to become any kind of amicable co parents and all of that drama of our journey helped to teach us how. Now that we were trying to figure out if we wanted to be a couple again we had to sit down and have more of those talks. Two people who only weeks ago were ready to move on had to sit down and re-hash their separation, what we learned about ourselves, each other, our relationship. It was like we were attacking it on two fronts. Offensively with things like both of us writing down what kind of relationship we want (with anyone) and then meeting to discuss and share. Then the defenses of anger, grief and confusion that arose when things like: I realized I never tried anything new and when I did I was a douche about it, so while we were separated I hung out with this friend girl and did all this amazing shit I’d never do with you; or how many guys did you sleep with were addressed. This wasn’t 2 high school kids getting back together after a stupid fight about what Betty said in the lunch room, this was a 12 year relationship that was ripped apart in an amicable but deep and ugly fashion, scars were being reopened, new wounds were being drawn, we still had the “Fuck you, I’ll sign those papers right now and meet you at the bank at noon and we will get divorced anyway”. We both pulled that line MORE than once before we realized if we were going to have any chance, we had to take that card off the table. I’d end up divorcing him on proving I don’t bluff alone and that would certainly have been obstinate and stupid stubborn. We didn’t do anything about the filing, but we had to remove it from our conversation. Removing it from the conversation forced us both back to communicating emotionally uncomfortable things in an as safe and open and environment as we could provide for each other. My opinion is this communication intimacy is the inner glue that keeps any relationship together. Intimacy deeper than just I know a lot about the other person and how their mind works, what is really in their heart, what are their triggers and issues. True intimacy allows you to communicate the scariest thing you can imagine and trusting that no matter how awful it is, sharing the fearlessly be yourself BGP truth of it and trusting that the other person is engaged, committed and capable of loving you in spite of whatever it is. You become a team that sharpens each other, trusts each other, knows when to let each other be and holds each other up in times of need. True intimacy requires the not always pleasant truth. I have some level of this intimacy with many of my Besties. There is no relationship more important to have this in than with the person you plan on making a life and children with. I have close to 12 years of marriage in and I will tell you that life and children will do everything they can to tear you apart. They say pick a mate that is easy to be with in the beginning because “they” know it gets a lot harder as time and life changes are added. The stakes are greater and Babu and I both seem to understand that now.
We baby stepped our way through week after week, then month after month until one week he went for a visit to Florida and when he got home he came to the house and never left. Eventually he made the decision to let the apartment go and move all of the displaced stuff back home. I’ve mentioned some of the miss-steps and distractions of our reconciliation path before. The first year was a little bit of a roller coaster, but we got through it, each on our own, as a couple and as a family. We are not perfect people, we don’t have a perfect marriage, our family has flaws, but we work to be engaged, committed and capable of loving each other to keep that intimacy glue strong in our marriage. This doesn’t mean we go around having these kinds of talks all the time these days, or that when we do they are as emotionally charged or as yucky as those from our almost divorce. Lives always have set backs but are not always in a state of crisis.
I think we have reasonably reached the end of our story Lovies. Never one to close a door, I may write an epilogue or random AD post from time to time if I have something I need to say or add. Thanks for reading it, I hope you laughed, learned, and loved.