Almost Divorce- Weekends with PJPosted: 2011/11/08
Before PJ even moved from school to home, we spent time discussing his summer schedule. He had already set it up that he was not going to be around much on weekends. He was 25 and said he had 7 Weddings to attend. His personal canceled wedding was also planned for July 17. Now at some point in this PJ tells me he doesn’t want to make any relationship moves before his canceled wedding date has passed. I accept and understand this; he is really just trying to buy more time, but it’s time I think is needed. I want him as free and clear emotionally as he wants me physically. I was already limited in my weekends by my custody schedule. I couldn’t just go work at his house for my off week because he was living with his Dad and his Dad’s Girlfriend in his Grandmas house. His Grandma had taken their old house in town and given the farm house to his Dad some years ago. I started a journal later in the summer about 2 weeks into the; I don’t want to talk to either of you about being with me period; I filled it by October. Well, there is one page in the very back I left blank on purpose. I’ve learned there is always one last thought. One of the post vanishing notes I have in there documents the excuses for the weekends he was away. Remember, I was trying to make any sense at all of what had just happened to me. Before he vanished, I absolutely loved to see that boy suited up, and the summer did not disappoint from that perspective. Dude rocks this sort or retro nerd metro look, it looks good on Greek and it makes me swoon. Here are some of the weekends in rough order.
- The weekend when D, S and DG came to visit and the boys sent DG home with S to have a talk with her to stop being so creepy about PJ. This was before PJ had the talk with her and threw his phone out the window. I wondered why it was obviously ok for overnight girl visitors to be there, but yet I never got an invitation for the weekend.
- The weekend the big storms knocked out the northern part of our state. He was supposed to go out to a bar that had fights for money, so his friend B could participate and make some cash or something. “Welcome to the deep north”, he joked with me about it before they headed out. Big storms rolled in and knocked out power to over half the town, trees down, everywhere a big giant mess. He got on g-chat that Saturday morning and was telling me about it. His cam light was on and green so I assumed he could talk and I started a video call. He declined it, telling me that he was at the breakfast table with his dad, his friend B and his wife BW, who then stayed with him for a few days. It was the first real slap in the face for me as far as, I don’t tell anyone you exist, nor do I want them to know, actions. Though at some point he claims to have talked with his Dad about me in generalities, from the standpoint of being too scared to move forward and seeking his advice. If I recall his Dad also told him to get off his ass, in nicer terms.
- The weekend with the wedding in his undergrad college town. This was the first time his big group of college friends was going to be together since PJ and the ex ended things. And they were both going to be there. This was the wedding corresponding the the Bach Party he chose not to attend b/c he was mad at me for being a bitch to him for being a douche bag. The ex was in attendance, and caused drama with wanting to talk to and again be with PJ. PJ claimed to have a hotel room for the wedding with his college roomie from the next town over. The party was in their room all night. This was also the weekend Shorty called me and told me she was not only driving me to GNO, she was buying me a drink when we got there. I didn’t know her all that well yet, and it was one of the few and the best awesome acts of random kindness I experienced during the Almost Divorce. It was a great outside night air bar, and this joint (hips and knees not Petite Chou you naughty lovies) salesman wanted to take me to his hotel and um discuss Project Management, naked. I should probably not of emailed PJ asking why I shouldn’t go. I liked to get bitter and start fights with him on Friday nights. I’m sure if you asked him he would say this was one of my most endearing qualities. Though he was generally very good natured about it aka it was worth it to him to put up with me. In spite of that little bit of drama, this was a pretty good weekend for us. We got plenty of cam and chatting time in between wedding events. There was him telling me he wouldn’t of talked to me for a really long time if I’d gone to the hotel with the joint salesman. And me telling him I didn’t. There was shower and shave cam, and alone time and suit up cam. And we spent plenty of time together on Sunday as well. PJ had been a bit insecure about the weekend. He wasn’t nearly as rich as his college friends, some of whom arrived in private planes with west coast drugs. He was pleased that he was doing well in the not fat and still had all his hair categories, but felt like they were all doing bigger things than him. I reminded him that he just switched from Corporate America to Art School. I reminded him that he was headed to a PhD, and that is a pretty big deal. I reminded him that he wasn’t working with family money but that his degree said the same thing theirs did. He relayed in great detail the stories of the ex and her drama causing antics. He also reported that the other ladies in attendance were quite taken with the new slimmer PJ, and some of them really wanted a ride, but reported that he was still all mine. I don’t remember exactly when that weekend was, but it was one of the better ones. I wonder what lies he told.
- June 26 Weekend he took back his cousin in WI and picked up his sister, that was the, I wasn’t ever going to do that fight and the weekend he gave me his last name and then deleted his “real” Gmail account, the one I forced him to give me if he wanted to continue to interact with me. His sister has supposedly known about me since May. He uses the return part of this trip to clue her into his childhood traumas, later in the summer he will share that pain with his Dad as well. Both events were needed and healing for PJ, and led me to believe his mental health and stability were indeed heading in the getting better so we could be together direction.
- July 4 Weekend, when he had agreed to visit me, and then claimed he had to work both Saturday and Monday and wouldn’t come. He did me the kind favor of ripping that band aid off early so I had plenty of notice. And he told me the bad news after pretending for a few days or so that it was really going to happen. Including posting public comments about visiting me on Reddit Gonewild. But D, and S (and probably DG) came and spent it with him in spite of his work schedule. I was supposedly only 3 hours away, I’m sure one night and one day would of been more than sufficient for what I had in mind during our first meet up.
- The weekend he went to Iowa with D and S, for the wedding of another grad school couple.
- July 17 His wedding weekend. He went alone to Cleveland, OH by himself to get away from everything. Supposedly only his therapist and I knew where he was. At this point I was just hoping he wasn’t going to shoot himself in the head in the hotel room. He had promised me he was not taking his hand gun. He had also previously repeatedly told me he would never commit suicide, not his style. This was soothing news when he was at worst in the pit of despair. At this point he seems to be making strides out of it, but I am very nearly done playing the waiting for it to ever actually happen game.
- August 7th weekend he went home with S to a family wedding she was in. D was in New Mexico at some art conference and couldn’t go. He thought it was funny that S’s family was supposed to be meeting D, and PJ wasn’t him. That is the weekend of the last picture and song he ever sent me. Both upset me with sadness and longing for him and he apologized for over stepping. We were 2 weeks into the, you’re not allowed to talk to me about being together period. “I adore you, even if we don’t talk I still will.” He types to me. Those words are in the top 3 phrases that sometimes haunt me. Along with “Oh. I’m crazy Doll, you know that.” and the ones below.
- August 14 The last weekend we actually talked he ended our conversation abruptly; I was in the middle of noting we hadn’t talked all Saturday morning in ages; with these words. “It’s sad too because I’m going to go now”.
The following Friday was “We made it to Friday”, with no explanation. I think he knew his number was about to be up. He was already supposed to be back at school and the lies would start to unravel soon. It’s funny, not much about the early conversations we had ever haunts me. It’s the things he chose to say in those last few weeks that bother me.