Dear Catfish: Things you should know

I fell in love with one of you once.  Before I knew what  a “Catfish” was, I just thought he could be a sociopath or I maybe I was delusional and imagining the whole thing.  Please let me explain before you stop reading. My intent is not to make you feel badly.  I understand the last thing you need is more self loathing.  I’m just trying to establish my  level of expertise on this subject before I start  providing you with information to consider.  My shit was so not together at the time and I was a very willing participant in the  addicting roller coaster ride and resulting glorious train wreck.  The fake relationship lasted for 22 weeks of cams, email, chatting, lust, declarations of feelings, fake plans for the future and  fights about why I couldn’t meet him. Turns out he was faking his entire identity and when I found out  he vanished into thin air without apology or explanation, resurfaced 3 months or so later, continued the silence and finally went away for good.  My heart imploded and almost took my soul with it.  The battle back was way too lengthy,  though transforming in an equally glorious way.  It was still a battle and I’d like to make it easier for you.  I’m usually a loquacious girl, but you should take this seriously, so I’m going to give you the TL:DR as a courtesy.

TL:DR

1. Lying about who you are is not going to ever get you what you need.

2. You are mind fucking the people you interact with.

I’m going on now.

Lying about who you are is not going to ever get you what you need

The first basic rule of humankind. #1. We are ALL EQUALLY FUCKED UP IN DIFFERENT WAYS.  I totally get why you might feel you need to do what you are doing.   I understand  you are checking out of components of  life.  Maybe you are sad, angry, grieving,  in despair, overwhelmed, neglected, unloved, stressed, and/or unsatisfied.  Maybe you are lonely.  I’m so sorry you are going through these things.  I wish you could understand how beautifully flawed and normal this is.  Even if you have an added layer of mental illness or addiction.  You are still normal, still beautifully flawed and still worth more.   You have needs that are no different or less worthy than anyone else.  It’s making you feel better or you wouldn’t keep doing it, but you’re cheating yourself.  Lying is only a temporary and insidious fix for the problem, like drinking salt water when you’re desperately thirsty.  You are accelerating your unhappiness, not alleviating it.

You’re spending time, brain space, and heart space creating a place that you think feels amazing and makes you “happy”,  but what will it feel like when you get caught or have to run so you don’t get caught?  What will happen when you can’t stay away, because you’re still not happy, so you start lying some more? Lying has a toll. It makes you feel empty, anxious, less than.   Do you not recognize this as less than, not more than, what you are escaping from now?  You are never going to get what you truly need in a situation where you decline to present your true self.

Which brings me to my next point…

 You are mind fucking the people you interact with.

I know you’re probably not a clinical sociopath, you didn’t start lying to fuck with someone for fun or revenge.  Like all train wrecks it will occur gradually in baby steps, and then suddenly, you realize you are fucked.  You didn’t intend for someone to actually like you, you barely like yourself.  Emotions don’t work the same on-line, they rise to white-hot quickly because of the controlled environment.  You don’t know who you are going to meet or who will move you or where your heart will take you. The giddy rush you create for us with your words becomes a drug we want more and more of.  We want how you make us feel, what kind of person we think you are, we want what we think is the real YOU.

Sure I liked that he was young, an artist, a college grad, a Midwest boy, had a job, whatever other things about his life he shared. He presented a  humanly flawed persona and pretended to understand and appreciate me for who I was.     I had the benefit of frequent visual and voice interaction via cam, so I knew I liked his appearance. I did not however, fall in love with any of those things.  I fell head over heels, think about him constantly, instant physical and emotional reaction upon thought,  even stronger upon sight, love with how he made me feel, the kind of man I thought he was.  Feelings gained from 100’s of hours of conversation. Feelings derived from little things like declaring his heart belonged to me in a chat room , or taking a bus home hoping he’d get to talk to me on cam for a full 20 minutes so he wouldn’t have to till the next day to see me.   I should have known when he avoided hooking up by claiming to move, then a few weeks later declined the offer of regular phone communication, then later claimed to throw away said phone. I should have known when little things kept not adding up, but  it was too late.  When it became apparent the drug I was taking was likely false and purposely manufactured, it was too fucking late.  The lies you are telling might be working, for you.  For us, finding out you lied reveals the drug isn’t real,  cannot be recreated, and we’ve just had our last hit.  It’s gone and there is no way to get any more. Detox is a bitch.  Never mind the layers of confusion and betrayal the grief is delivered in.  It is absolutely grief. Truth renders the experience over, the fantasy dead, casts doubt on the emotions shared, the intent of the actions and calls into question every single thing you said that made us FEEL for you.  No matter how gracious we are when confronted with the truth,  you are emotionally raping us. That is quite simply Bad Karmic JuJu.    I understand your deep driving need for love, acceptance, understanding, and pleasure.   You absolutely are worth all of those things and more. But please don’t try to get them this way.  For us its wreckage when the lies evaporate and we realize we have been intentionally mind fucked. The thoughts, opinions and memories we formed of you are not based in reality and now we don’t know what is  lies.  We are forced to toss everything in the bonfire, set it aflame and move the fuck on as best we can.  Even the lines delivered late in the game of  “I’ll carry you with me for a long ass time” or  “No matter what I will always adore you.”  Doesn’t matter, bullshit poisons truth and poison eventually kills everything in its path.  The longer the silence, the stronger the death, the less we believe in anything your eyes ever told us, the more we feel as if you plotted to destroy us on purpose and the more we wonder what the fuck we ever did do you to deserve such heinous disrespect and betrayal.  First we miss you, then we hate you, then we feel sorry for you. Eventually we forgive you for ourselves and go on about our lives with a piece of our heart tied to some stranger we will never lay eyes on or hear whisper our name again.  Your ghost lives with the other exes in whatever manner we keep them.

Epic fuck ups require epic apologies and I am a huge fan of epic apologies, but deaths are usually not curable.You’re never going to get the girl/guy this way. So put on some trainer big girl panties or big boy boxers and try being you.  Don’t kill your future relationships before they even start. Out there somewhere is more than one person who can and will love you for all of what is actually you.

This New Year’s resolve to fearlessly be yourself

Best,

Laura

 

I’m not the only one who has something to say about this, I wish I could meet Rachel Stein in person and give her the biggest girl hug possible for putting into much more eloquent words that I could previously find EXACTLY what it feels like to the person you are lying to.  I could also hug Nev for just being brave enough to put the message out there.

From Television Without Pity Rachel Stein

On the person being lied to..

..but the fact that so many people immediately trust who they meet online is no longer a freakish urban legend that happened to a friend of a cousin, but something that happens all the time to people who are actually smart, decent and even skeptical. It’s happened to me (in a much less significant way than the cases we see on this show) and to people I love and care about. And when it does happen, as Schulman and his co-star/investigator Joseph aren’t usually there with cameras to reveal it all to you… but it’s about as humiliating and schema-shattering as it was for Sunny. It brings into question what it even means to actually know a person and what a relationship even is, and that’s just for the person getting lied to. It’s so strange and overwhelming and unfamiliar that when it did happen to this young lady in the pilot, her first response was literally: “Am I being Punk’d?”

On the Catfish…

In some ways, I wish we got to learn more about these people who make up fake Internet lives, …But how lonely must their lives be? How embarrassed are they by their own appearance, desires and actual realities? …When Schulman does his check-ins a few months down the road, our offender has always made it a point to share that they’ve lost a few pounds, or in this case, found a new way to empower themselves… because after months of using social media to finally start expressing your desires — that is, the perfectly normal craving to have a relationship with another human being — after years of torment, something’s got to change.

From Complex

Complex: At the end of the movie, you look really depressed. How upset were you by these duplicitous relationships?   Yaniv Schulman: I’ve had two moments in my life where I sort of hit rock bottom. That was one of them. I had built up this daily interaction with these people who were distracting me from my life, building me up and really filling me with such excitement and hope, and then, when it was over and I came home, I felt like the last nine months meant nothing. It was really hard to pick myself up off the floor.

 Update 08/15/13  The catfish came out of hiding, and made an error while visiting the blog to see how much “dirt” was here.  This allowed me to locate him within minutes via Google, some details he provided in his lies were true and it was enough to make it very easy to find him once I had the correct parameters for searching.  He stayed for 22 seconds and will likely never return.  Since I am I classy girl, I politely emailed a simple hello and informed him blogs have trackers. Passing up once again a chance to mercilessly fuck with him for some fun of my own.  His reaction was a terse, cold, email stating he felt he had merely made a mistake by misrepresenting himself and had put it all behind him, was sorry IF ( yes, IF, I had to really let that one go quickly or its poison would of turned me bat shit crazy) he misled me and a lengthy directive to go away and never bother him again.  As in, I’m pissed you busted me, I thought I got away with this and I’m not interested in providing you with anything helpful or kind.  Perfect example people show who you they are the first time. I will of course honor his dismissive and insulting request. Finally learning his perception of my worth and meaning in his life, along with his full identity, was the perfect closure.   Karma will take care of the rest.  Peace Out!


Almost Divorce: Closure Part 1

I finished the Almost Divorce Story a few months ago, the week of my 41st Birthday to be exact.   About a month later AJ ( Part 5,  Part 6) found the blog.   He looked around a little bit and  contacted me, which produced the first instance of organic closure to the situation outside of what I gave myself by writing it in the first place.  AJ has tried to email  randomly from time to time over the last 2.5 years, he was the first gone wild boy. Previously his emails were obviously trying to get him to eventually come play or hook up in some manner,  I didn’t want to do that so I repeatedly ignored him.    I don’t need or want that kind of drama or additional emotional and time management in my life.  Those days are long over for me.   His initial email was unexpected and I read it with a tiny bit of apprehension.    He isn’t the first to find me, nor did we have any unfinished business per se, but AJ and I spent a lot of time together, he knows that world, he knows my story because he was a part of it and I decided to indulge the conversation.   I was glad I did. Excerpts below, with some  changes for privacy and spelling.

AJ to Me:

Hey Laura,

Popped on this account to flush it out, and saw Google+ stuff about you.  Lurked and found CloserToLola.  Truth be told, not interested in any postings because we are long since through, but was hooked in by the AD Timeline.

I was curious if I was The Big Guy.  But also noticed that I didn’t make it into the timeline, I guess it really focuses in on that weird dude who you told me about. ( This description is funny b/c it’s just so innocuous, weird, yes just weird is a simple way to sum it up nicely)

Anyway, just wondering.  I hope you have a wonderful day.

AJ

Me to AJ:

Yes it isn’t hard to put the two together if you try hard enough. I don’t mind being found, just curious as to the details.  how specifically did you put it together? You’re not the first 🙂  

The Big Guy came after emore ( the weird guy) and  I imploded. He started last year around my birthday and ended right before Memorial Day.  I am pretty sure you are in there somewhere.  You were first so of course you had to be in the story. I hope you are well.
Best,
Laura
AJ to Me:
So here is how I found the blog:1.) Log into throwaway account on a computer, first time in forever. (This is good news, because it means he is probably better settled into his marriage and maybe even being a good boy. My hope for all the guys has always been that they have the best life possible, they ALL deserve it, even poor weird Paul/emore)
2.) See Google+ notifications, click out of curiosity and saw you.
3.) Lurked/creeped to see how you have been, wanted to make sure you found your happy place.
4.) Saw a Google+ post to the blog
5.) See mostly stuff that I’m not interested in, about to close and see the serial about when we knew each other.
6.) Read the timeline, because I didn’t want to go through everythingI asked if I was the Big Guy because I knew that we had talked while everything was going crazy with emore, and that was around last year.  I might find time to read the entire story one day, but if I was Big Guy, I was flattered that you felt that I help your through your situation.
You wrote alot about the topic, and it doesn’t surprise me since it caused a lot of drama in your life.  I really do hope that all is well with you.  As for me, the wheels are still on and moving forward if that means anything, lols.You look great, btw.AJ
Me to AJ:
I have found my happy place, or at least I know where it is and how to get there now if that makes any sense.  

You are AJ
 
Your story is mostly here and maybe the next one, I think. Curiosity will get the better of you at some point and you will sit down and read it anyway.  ( He didn’t read the whole thing, but after this convo he definitely read more, blog stats can be very telling especially when it is a  small blog like this one with only 1-150 hits a day)
I hope you know I wrote everything I did from a raw and honest place, you may not like some of it, but I’ve owned it all.
You seem in a good place, glad to hear it. 
AJ to Me:
You shouldn’t feel that you need to lead with a disclaimer or apology,  your writing is how *you* feel and you have no responsibility to coddle my emotions.

 
That being said, you gave it to me.  It feel it was a pretty accurate summary of how things went and can’t get worked up about that.  I was pushy and disrespectful at times and can see that distilled down in your writing.  I was a dick.  (Yes, he often was)
 
I am glad you are in a good place and I am happy that you decided to even just respond to my note.  The next steps are yours,  I will disappear again but if you want to converse that is up to you.
 
Best wishes for happiness!
 
AJ
Me to AJ:
I will probably write at some point about this conversation.  I’m glad we had it. Enjoy your life.
AJ to Me:
If you do, would you be so kind to email me a link.  There something inherently creepy about me lurking your blog.  We had our time and that has passed.  Keep up the writing though, I hope it gives you what you need.  You will not hear from me again.

 
Best, AJ
Me to AJ:
I will, I think hearing from you opened up some points of  view I hadn’t considered and I have some questions for you that will help my processing if you’d be so kind as to share.

1. Can you further explain why reading my blog feels creepy to you
2. Do you think it would also qualify as “creepy” if emore read the blog? aka if you were him would you feel creepy reading it. (Yes I sometimes wonder if Paul has stumbled upon this gold mine of spilling all his probably fake business yet.  I’m pretty sure he hasn’t or if he has will remain forever silent, there isn’t anything he needs from me because 90% of what I would say is here for perusing at his own pace and besides who wants to read 20,000+ words about what a piece of shit they were when they already lived it once. Still… I sometimes wonder)
 
I ask b/c you are a dude with knowledge of the situation,  and there aren’t that many of you out there !  
 
AJ,  I appreciate your adult ownership and recognition of your actions. I appreciate the checking up on me if you will. I also appreciate your maturity in recognizing we can’t have a friendship past all this closure.  
Best,
Laura
AJ to Me:
1.  I felt creepy landing on your blog because it was unsolicited and I felt to be invasive of your life since we have parted ways.  I did not feel creepy reading about the situation because I was part of it and those were the only posts I dug into.  So my level of comfort changed from trespassing to reading about your closure of the subject and feeling closure myself.

 
2. I can’t speak for him because I wouldn’t know what someone in his position would use the knowledge of this site’s existence for.  But knowing what I know about the situation, I would feel that I again was trespassing in your life, as emore has been ejected from your life.
 
I hope this gives you some insight on how I felt, and am glad we are able to have this conversation.  I feel like it will be included in a post and I’m ok with that, as long as I’m still called AJ.
And there is was, out of the blue one Tuesday, some  closure  I was no longer seeking. It’s funny how things work out when you send things into the universe.   AJ’s closure seemed to open some sort of closure portal to the universe.
As promised I let him know I had written about our convo and he sent me this.
AJ to Me:
Send me a permalink when it hits, I’ll read it.  But like I said before, I feel like a voyeur, maybe an intruder in your life now that our time has past.  You are a lovely and graceful woman.  I wish nothing but happiness for you, and because of that I dont want to get sucked back into how interesting you are and risk the life that you have rebuilt.  Ironically, that life, while in turmoil, is how we met,I have to respect the healing that you and your family have gone though.

 
I do respect you reaching out to me about it and I do like that you though about me.  I hope all is well with you, sincerely, and always.
 
AJ

Thanks AJ! I’m very proud of you for taking this route and I know you will go on to live your best life possible.  More closure has presented itself in other forms, I’ll share more later Lovies.

#photoadayapril 24 something I’m grateful for

20120424-100506.jpg

At 10:00 the bells rang here. I like to think it is because I didn’t get divorced. Officially filed for dismissal today.


Almost Divorce: Table of Contents

Almost Divorce- Prologue

Almost Divorce- Part 1 And so it begins…

Almost Divorce- Part 2 Craig’s List

Almost Divorce- Part 3 Reddit’s r/gonewild

Almost Divorce- Lies PJ told me

Almost Divorce- Part 4 Make new friends

Almost Divorce- A PJ primer

Almost Divorce- Part 5 Breaking the boundaries

Almost Divorce- The PJ Skype Shenanigans

Almost Divorce- Part 6 GWP; First a note about trolls and creepers.

Almost Divorce- Part 7 Time for a gonewild chat

Almost Divorce Part 8- A note about the Sisterhood;Public vs. Private chat

Time for a BGP self-talk.

Almost Divorce- Part 8.5 Taking a mental health day ❤

Almost Divorce- Part 9 The Timeline

Almost Divorce- Part 10 Parts are parts..until they are attached to people.

Almost Divorce- Part 11 GW Relationships

Almost Divorce- Part 12 Studs in the stable

Almost Divorce- Part 13 And then it happened

Almost Divorce: It’s Just a Fantasy…It’s not the real thing

Almost Divorce- Part 14 PJ Part 2: The roller coaster ride

Almost Divorce – Part 15- PJ Part 3

Almost Divorce Part 16- PJ Part 4

Almost Divorce: PJ and the Delusional Girl aka DG

Almost Divorce- Part 17: PJ Part 5

Almost Divorce- Weekends with PJ

Almost Divorce Part 18: PJ asks for time

Almost Divorce- PJ’s-Lola’s (my) Depression

Almost Divorce- Part 19 PJ Steps it up a notch

Almost Divorce- Part 20 PJ Spoils Lola

Point of Thanks #21-Chef Badass and Ava G; Almost Divorce: Snake on a plane?!?

Almost Divorce Taking a holiday

Almost Divorce Part 21- PJ can’t hold it together for long

Almost Divorce Part 22- PJ severs my heart the first time; New Year new writing

Almost Divorce part 22.5-Oops I forgot an important point

Almost Divorce – The pivotal moment.

Almost Divorce Part 23- PJ comes back

Almost Divorce Part 24- PJ, The Husband, Match.com

Almost Divorce- A childish pictorial of how I was different

Almost Divorce Part 25- July

Almost Divorce- The one time PJ looked evil on cam

Almost Divorce Part 26- PJ settles into his identity

Almost Divorce Part 27- Between Two Lungs

Almost Divorce Part 28 The beginning of the end of PJ

Almost Divorce Part 29- The final countdown August begins

Almost Divorce Part 30- I ask God for help Part 1

Almost Divorce Part 31- God Part 2: The WTF have I done moment finally arrives

Almost Divorce Part 32- The best $13 I ever spent, proving PJ is lying.

Almost Divorce Part 33- Darkness Over Day; PJ’s “death”

Almost Divorce Part 34- All you need to know about sociopaths

Almost Divorce Part 35- How The Husband initally became my Sweet Babu

Almost Divorce Part 36: The change begins inside of YOU

Almost Divorce Part 37- Baby Steps

Almost Divorce- Part 38 Communication


Almost Divorce- Part 38 Communication

This story is concluding today.  You can start at the beginning here.  The timeline is  here.

I think some people in my life think Babu and I just jumped back into being together, that I lost Paul, immediately begged Babu to take me back, and that he just stupidly and willingly came.   This used to bother me slightly because I was still carrying around the new shame of the whole ordeal, now it just makes me laugh.    Let me write it out for you another time, it would have been emotionally easier to simply go on and get divorced. That printed out; ready for the notary Divorce Decree was the weapon of choice in those first weeks when we didn’t know what we wanted to do.

It’s time to revisit communication.  First let’s review.  Remember way back in something like Part 2 when I said that I should of run to Babu and poured my heart completely out about what I was going through and the emotionally issues it was  causing?   I’ve mentioned the hours and hours of awful conversation we had as we started down this journey, all that time spent discussing one yucky situation after another.  We collectively smoked through a pack a day because of all the time we spent in the garage having Mommy and Daddy are going to go in the garage and talk time while the children literally ran amok inside the house.

After we spent a weekend together at the Chateau, we came home and went back to our regularly scheduled lives as separate people.   We still switched the kids on Fridays after school; the opposite parent still had dinner with the kids on Tuesday’s.   We did  make an effort to talk more about what was happening to us,  and to spend more time together as a couple and as a family.  What this looked like to the kids was small things like Mommy being invited to dinner at Daddy’s house and vice versa, or the babysitter coming so Mommy and Daddy could go out.   We didn’t talk to the kids about what any of it meant, or act like it was anything special, we just did it.  We also took a lot of time during those visits to engage in many conversations of varying degrees of emotional discomfort and potentially explosive results.

When we were ruining our marriage and getting divorced we went through lots of anger and yelling, had heart baring, gut wrenching talks.  We learned through all of that practice to get better.   We had no choice  if we were going to become any kind of amicable co parents and all of that drama of our journey helped to teach us how.    Now that we were trying to figure out if we wanted to be a couple again we had to sit down and have more of those talks.   Two people who only weeks ago were ready to move on had to sit down and re-hash their separation, what we learned about ourselves, each other, our relationship.   It was like we were attacking it on two fronts.  Offensively with things like both of us writing down what kind of relationship we want (with anyone) and then meeting to discuss and share. Then the defenses of  anger, grief and confusion that arose when things like: I realized I never tried anything new and when I did I was a douche about it, so while we were separated I hung out with this friend girl and did all this amazing shit I’d never do with you; or how many guys did you sleep with were addressed.   This wasn’t 2 high school kids getting back together after a stupid fight about what Betty said in the lunch room, this was a 12 year relationship that was ripped apart in an amicable but deep and ugly fashion, scars were being reopened, new wounds were being drawn, we still had the “Fuck you, I’ll sign those papers right now and meet you at the bank at noon and we will get divorced anyway”.    We both pulled that line MORE than once before we realized if we were going to have any chance, we had to take that card off the table.  I’d end up divorcing him on proving I don’t bluff alone and that would certainly have been obstinate and stupid stubborn.   We didn’t do anything about the filing, but we had to remove it from our conversation.  Removing it from the conversation forced us both back to  communicating emotionally uncomfortable things  in an as safe and open and environment as we could provide for each other.   My opinion is this communication intimacy is the inner glue that keeps any relationship together.  Intimacy deeper  than just I know a lot about the other person and how their mind works,   what is really in their heart, what are their triggers and issues.   True intimacy allows you to communicate the scariest thing you can imagine and trusting that no matter how awful it is, sharing the fearlessly be yourself  BGP truth of it and trusting that the other person is engaged, committed and capable of loving you in spite of whatever it is. You become a team that sharpens each other, trusts each other, knows when to let each other be and holds each other up in times of need.    True intimacy requires the not always pleasant truth.  I have some level of this intimacy with many of my Besties. There is no relationship more important to have this in than with the person you plan on making a life and children with. I have close to 12 years of marriage in and I will tell you that life and children will do everything they can to tear you apart.   They say pick a mate that is easy to be with in the beginning because “they” know it gets a lot harder as time and life changes are added. The stakes are greater and Babu and I both seem to understand that now.

We baby stepped our way through week after week, then month after  month until one week he went for a visit to Florida and when he got home he came to the house and never left.  Eventually he made the decision to let the apartment go and move all of the displaced stuff back home.  I’ve mentioned some of the miss-steps and distractions of our reconciliation path before. The first year was a little bit of a roller coaster, but we got through it, each on our own, as a couple and as a family.   We are not perfect people, we don’t have a perfect marriage, our family has flaws, but we work to be engaged, committed and capable of loving each other to keep that intimacy glue strong in our marriage.  This doesn’t mean we go around having these kinds of talks all the time these days, or that when we do they are as emotionally charged or as yucky as those from our almost divorce.  Lives  always have set backs but are not always in a state of crisis.

I think we have reasonably reached the end of our story Lovies.  Never one to close a door, I may write an epilogue or random AD post from time to time if I  have something I need to say or add.  Thanks for reading it, I hope you laughed, learned, and loved.


Almost Divorce Part 37- Baby Steps

This series is  published roughly once a week on Thursday’s.

You can start at the beginning here

The timeline is  here.

Last week we  covered Lesson 1 of Reconciliation, We each worked on ourselves.  Even before the Divorce got put on hold we both went to individual counseling. Not to work on our marriage but to work on ourselves.   What that meant was we were more aware people with a better capability to communicate properly with each other.  We had a chance to be able to see mistakes we each had made in our marriage without the  others judgement of those mistakes.  The great news about this was the change it caused in Babu.   In typical man style, before he went to individual therapy he thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, that he had  zero issues and that everything was my fault.   He was the great “victim” in all of this. He learned he was wrong, that he had shit to own and change and without that realization and the work he put into himself and his actions over the summer we never would have been able to get back together or stay together.   He realized there were things about himself that he needed to change, for him, not for me.   He found his spine and he found his ability to evolve into a man, not a boy.  He recognized things he could have done, should have done differently in our relationship.  He discovered what kind of MAN he wanted to be and started to change his thought patterns and actions to become that man.  I  have talked  a ton about doing work on myself so I’m not going to further outline it again.   At our core we were still the same people we had always been. The foundation of  almost 12 years of being a couple was still there. I once loved this man, he was still very much in love with me. For him what he truly wanted never wavered, I have heard it from him and from  my SIL.  He was the one in this situation that was trying to never give up while I was the one trying to push him away while I ran.  I don’t think you often find love like that, and I’m grateful for it..now.   I certainly didn’t always feel so positively about it during this debacle.   Knowing he loved me like THAT is part of the reason we are still together today.  He looked into himself and found some self respect and learned to love himself and change his actions to demand the respect he deserved from me as well.  It was one of the game changers.  I also learned  a lot of things about our relationship that I needed to handle differently and together we set out to do that. But not at first.

At  first we both had to seriously take a moment and determine if it was worth it to even try to get back together.   We were as I have said numerous times, HOURS AWAY FROM DIVORCE.   We were both over it, it was done, about to be over.   It would have been so much easier to simply stay on course. To continue and go to the bank the next day, or the next and get that Divorce Decree notarized and take it to the judge.      The kids  and the adults were coming out the far end of the emotional tunnel. Everyone was used to the new dynamic and the new schedule. It was on the verge of becoming the new accepted normal.  We had all been practicing it  for 3 months,  a new school year had already begun.  Tab told me on more than one occasion that it is best if separations do not last longer than 6 months. She educated me that in her professional opinion, the longer things go on the closer everything DOES become to the new normal and it gets harder and harder to  put things back together again.   Basically you reach a point where you are actually creating even more new  obstacles to a path of reconciliation if you let a separation go on too long. You both get settled into your new lives and re-adjusting them as well as the pressure s of trying to get back or stay together can be too much.    I knew the clock was ticking on that window, and I knew I would have to make a firm decision very soon.  Ultimately I decided to try because of Paul’s lies and because of our children.    I felt I owed it to my kids, myself, and lastly Babu to really take a look at things with my new perspective and explore them.  Because of Paul’s lies I couldn’t totally trust all my decisions and actions. His lies pushed me  away from Divorce.  I should thank him for being a despicable double  douche bag.  He tried to destroy me and instead played a major part in making my life much better and making me much better.   Cheers to you Paul Jay Mathis!

I don’t know who started the, what are we going to do here, conversation, but I do remember the first thing we decided is that Babu would  come with the kids and I on a pre-scheduled  Bad Gurls and  Families Vacation to the Chateau.   I think it was probably more like I invited him to see how things went.   This trip was scheduled over Labor Day Weekend, mine that year in the Holiday rotation. Before we  almost divorced the Bad Gurls hadn’t really mixed the husbands much.   I had gotten to know them both better over the summer due to the copious amount of time I spent with everyone.   The Bad Gurls were down with Babu coming on the trip if I was and the Chateau is sort of “mine”. It does not belong to my family but we have a very strong claim to it and a long history of spending time there.   My father’s ashes are buried on the property and I hadn’t  been to visit  more than 1-2 times since we  put  him there when I was preggers with MiniMe.   I just told the kids that I invited daddy because The Chateau was a family vacation place and he was going to come.   Never during our reconciliation was there a time when we sat those kids down and said Mommy and Daddy are getting back together.   There were no guarantees that was going to happen and we were not about to get their hopes or only to break their little hearts again.    I was still reeling from Paul, I was still crying almost daily even weeks and weeks later.    Even though what Paul broke was a stronger me, not a shell of me that he met, I still had to pick myself back up from that loss and find some solid ground.  I needed to make sure I wasn’t just running back to   Babu. I needed to see if I thought I could love him again. I needed to see if  it looked like we could forgive each other.    Babu and I  had lots and lots and LOTS to work through and I couldn’t do it all while in the state of grief I was in.   We had to take baby steps.

More to come soon Lovies!

 


Almost Divorce Part 36: The change begins inside of YOU

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

How did you do it?  This is the number one question I am asked about our reconciliation.   I’m not sure I have a cut and dry answer for you  Lovies, but I will try to represent and tell this part of the story in the same raw and no holds barred manner that I have given you the rest.   But you simply must understand that this part of my world is a little more private, because it is the marriage I currently enjoy,  instead of some bad fairy tale of the  devil I willingly danced with.  I always try to be very careful not to give other people’s secrets away in this public forum, unless those secrets were lies, and then well… you’ve already seen that part.

I’ve often said that I have a 1% husband. A Husband who is better than 99% of all husbands out there.  He is MY husband so I suppose it is a good thing that I feel this way, but I want to get in writing those same type of caveat items that prefaced the  r/gonewild and gone wild chat posts.   My marriage is not perfect, there is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people.  There  is also not a perfect person for you or for him, because neither of you are perfect. You are human, and as such beautifully flawed and always in some state of incomplete.   There is no perfect mate, perfect time, perfect anything.  It is a nice ideal to shoot for, we should seek to change, grow, become more, less, better whatever adjective you choose for whatever “it” is you seek to change.  There are things about myself,  Babu and our marriage that drive me absolutely NUTS!   I fold them into this best life we are living because quite frankly that is simply just how life is.  If you want happiness the first thing you need to do is let go of holding so tightly to whatever you think happy is.    Here is a huge news flash for you Lovies,  THINGS DO NOT ALWAYS TURN OUT OR EXIST IN THE MANNER YOU EXPECTED IN YOUR HEAD, LET IT GO AND ADAPT.   Holding on too tightly to that expectation is only going to cause you emotional angst. Don’t wallow in that angst, if you spending time being pissed, angry, sad, or whatever other negative emotion you are harboring about what you wanted/expected/think you deserve you are only poisoning yourself and staying stuck.   You are not a tree, if you don’t like something in your life, then seek to change it. And by the way the key to seeking to changing it is not in influencing or controlling others or the situation. It is in seeking to look inside YOURSELF and making the changes there.

Welcome  to life. Put on your Big Girl Panties or Big Boy Boxers and own it.

Oh you don’t like that answer? Neither did I when I first discovered it.  Hell, I have remind myself of  my own mantra on a regular basis.    The crazy bitch lives inside of me, right next to the pathetic one, the weak one, etc.. ALL of us have those little pieces of not perfect inside of us.  Your first key is to spend some mindful time seeking to  become self-aware. Examine yourself, reconcile yourself and learn to love yourself.   Forgive yourself, forgive others.  No one else can do this for you, NO ONE ELSE CAN DO THIS FOR YOU.   Don’t like something inside of you,  don’t know who you are, don’t know what is wrong with you, don’t know how your life got “here”? All of the answers to those questions are there, inside of you, if you will only put in the emotional and mindful practice of discovering them and working to tweak them in whatever manner you think is best for you.   Got childhood issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, trust issues, control issues, whatever issues. OWN THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! You are an adult now, you are  no longer owned by your past.   Your past does not control you, your past does not dictate  how your future has to be, at any given time you are in some control of the end of your own story.  Don’t like that answer?  Get the fuck over it and do the awful  sometimes gut wrenching but so very worth it in the end work of change or choose to stay in whatever  state of misery and stuck you are in.   It is quite bluntly your choice. How badly you truly want it is shown by how hard you CHOOSE to truly keep working for it.

I’m no better than you, no more capable than you, I’ve just had to learn this the hard way and I’m passing along some already started on this  journey  notes.   It is not easy work, it is not fun work, is is not short work.  It is continual work.   I promise the more you do it the better you will get at it. The faster you will see when you start down a path of old behavior or thinking,  the less time you will allow yourself to remain there, and the faster and with more  conviction you will be able to course correct yourself with LOVE instead of judgement and beating yourself up.   You are never going to be perfectly the way you want to be, and neither is your life, your marriage, your kids, your job, your friendships or anything else  in life, save a really great vodka and a good pair of designer jeans that transform your ass into  something magical.    I’m not special and I’m not always good at taking my own advice.   If you are human, you can do this. Don’t underestimate yourself, your worth, or what  kind of life you deserve to  choose to live.

It may take medication, it may take finding a good therapist, it may take using other bad things to cope for a while, it may take running or kick boxing or Zumba or cycling.  It may take a LOT longer to do than you’d like, it may be MUCH harder than you ever imagined and there will be times when you simply want to throw your hands in the air and say FUCK IT.    Find  in yourself the strength to go on, find GOD if you choose to believe in HIM and the power he can provide you in all things, find a network or even one true friend to lean on, find books to help, blogs to read. Seek these things out, trust in yourself and go for it.  You will be amazed at how much “better” things will get little by little or sometimes even by leaps and bounds.  All because you did, are doing, want to do the hard work of affecting change  within yourself.

You are beautiful, you are worth it, you deserve your version of a good life and you need to love and respect yourself enough to make it happen.

Lesson #1 is over, the key to putting it all back together for us was that we each sought to change ourselves.   More to come soon Lovies.