Respect the Run: Things I learned at Warrior Dash

Participated in my very first Warrior Dash today.   I estimated we would take 45 minutes for the run and 5 minutes for each of the 11 obstacles.  I only skipped one after trying it and realizing it just was not going to happen.  The 12 foot scale using only a rope and some 1x’s boards.   I ran and waded through creeks, climbed,  slid, fell, knee crawled up muddy  steep slope after slope.   I went under barbed wire, netting and lumber on my belly and knees.  I balanced on rope  bridges, scaled across and up and over netting.  I scaled hay bales, and rusted out boats, waded in cake batter stinky mud water in between slick steep sticky mud hills, shimmied sideways along boards holding on by only rock climbing hand holds and 1X’s as foot holds, swam across a pond, balanced on buoys, jumped over fire and finally hand crawled under barbed wire in mud to cross the finish.  Here are some of the things I learned

1. Warrior Dash is better with friends.  I conned Process into doing this with me and  Pilates Poster Girl was kind enough to invite us to crash a wave with her and her daughter, Softball Goddess.  We did a great job of staying together and alternately waiting for each other.  Where I excel at the run, Pilates Poster Girl excels at the obstacles.  The  other balanced us out nicely.  If you put the 4 of us together we’d be the perfect Warrior.
2. Core training is more important than any other training.
3. Warrior Dash wave times are on the honor system, so if you should wish to, say, crash another time to join some friends no one will know the difference.
4. You really should wear the trail shoes instead of the old Brooks running shoes that match your outfit better. It really doesn’t make a difference because by the first half  mile your whole outfit is mud colored anyway.
5. You will in fact, be throwing away everything you wear. Even so a two sizes too big white tank top that you sometimes sleep in is probably not the best idea.
6.  Wear sunscreen, we finished in 57 off minutes and my face and back are burned,
7. Running down the last 10 yards of a very steep slope once coming off the ropes screaming “Watch out mother fuckers” will get a laugh from the ranger guy.  I seriously had no idea how that was going to end. Process face planted on the same hill  mere inches from a big rock, whew narrow miss there since it was my big idea to get her to do this race.   Way to stick the landing Process!
8. Following that performance up by responding to the comment  ” Maybe the ranger guy can give you ride”, with “I don’t have the energy for sex right now” is somehow equally amusing to other Warriors.
9. Once you fall going up a muddy slope you are pretty much fucked until you can use your knees as feet long enough to find a solid enough place to stand.  This will result in some pretty ugly knees.
10. Using your face, belly  and knees to crawl up a slope is just as effective as staying on your feet.
11. No one can help you once you are down, they want to, they will help you any other way, but they simply can’t because to do so will take them down too.
12. Ropes get muddy and make using them to repel down slopes and haul yourself up steep mud slopes really interesting.  Find a big burly guy to hold the rope and be sure to pat him on the way by and say thank you!
13. Crab crawling, one legged surf  sliding and flat out booty surfing are all perfectly acceptable methods of down hill “running”
14. Warriors crawl, climb and slide through those ravines you see while hiking and think, “Holy crap I hope I don’t fall down there”
15. While crawling up and down hay bales and rusty old boats with  glass shards you will wonder how long it has been since your last tetanus shot.
16. A quick huddle, yelling of good effort, good effort and high fives will keep you going to the next obstacle
17. That damn swim is a LOT farther than you think it should be at mile 2+.  Floating and using your arms to propel  toward the platform has no shame.
18. Pretty sure I douched with the cake batter mud, confirmed this while wiping at the gas station later and getting muddy tp…..yummy!  Unsure of the medicinal properties of douching with mud.  Alternately yelling “pretty sure I just douched with mud” will, again, make everyone around you laugh.   At least I was good for comedic relief.
19.  The old insult ” Mud in your eye” may be actually harsher than F You or Up yours.  Mud in your eye hurts like a mofo.
20. Rope netting is a biatch!
21. Jumping over fire is a bit scarier than you might think, even though you know you are soaked to the bone and covered in mud so nothing “should” catch on fire.
22. Doing the leg float, arm crawl  under barbed wire to an under an hour finish with 3 awesome Warriors…. priceless!
23. Warrior bathing= dip in the lake followed by fire hose down.

I have raw ends of toes, raw ends of fingers, sun burnt back and face, scraped up knees, some kind of abrasion/puncture just below my belly button, sore shoulders and glutes and who know how many bruises  still to surface and I totally cannot wait to do it next year!

Here is Process” take on the whole thing, I totally used my voodoo BGP Magic to get her to do it with me!

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