Respect the Run: Convincing my id it will all be ok..1 week till Race #1Posted: 2012/04/28
I drug my very tired butt of of a very warm bed in the cold and drizzle this morning to do yoga and follow that up with a 45 minute run. By the end of the run my hat was merely a gutter and my shoes felt 20 squishy pounds each. I failed to wear gloves and my fingers were so cold they were beyond numb to hurt ache frozen. It took them at least 10 minutes inside a towel to start to feel almost normal again. I was glad I threw on tights and a grey short sleeve 3O Bomb Squad tee over the long sleeve white tech shirt. I taped up the ear speaker on my Iphone and set the runkeeper. our group was very small this morning, Babu didn’t come for yoga and didn’t catch us until about 20 minutes into the 45 minute run.
I’ve been going through a lot of mental stuff lately. MiniMe has ADHD and we are looking into reviewing the state of The Destroyer as well. The skinny of it for this post is I am about 80% certain I have ADHD as well. I’m not going into all the details in this post but SO MANY THINGS make sense to me now. Things about myself, how my brain works, why I am who I am, the way I am. How that presents in both my daughter and my son. I’ve been thinking back through my life and applying this new ADHD filter in order to provide a self validation test. There is a lot of chaos in our lives right now, but I have had a string of epiphanies in the last several weeks. I have managed to write about exactly 1 of them. Also another post, but I’m going to give away the end because I am about to talk about it here, now.
I have this crazy little girl version of me inside. I think we all do. Maybe it is just the only way I can think to describe an avatar for all those pieces of me that are weak, broken, shamed, sad, fearful, hating, apathetic. It’s the manifestation of all my beautiful and wonderfully unique and raw flaws. It’s maybe even a third to half of my id? Pardon me psych gurus if I’m screwing that up , but I’m running with it. Not too long ago mine went on a crazy train ride that ended in a glorious wreck. It wasn’t an easy road back and the end result of all the work and rebuilding is a glorious life that I get to craft however I choose. The thing I realized very recently is that I need to baby my id a little right now. She’s been through a lot and I spent all my effort on healing and changing the screwed up parts of her so I could heal and change me. Working on myself, blah blah blah, yes we have been here many times before. It is a message I won’t stop preaching because when you do it you start to love and accept yourself. You gain even more courage to fearlessly be yourself. Just You, in all your fucked up glory with a smile of a life you are owning on your face. Only lately I haven’t been doing a very good job of owning running. I’ve allowed my confidence to slip. The mental work outs on some of my recent runs have been brutal. The mental work outs on most of my runs since roughly March 3rd have been harder than I prefer. Today during yoga I hatched a different plan.
I love yoga, and I used to take this yo-pi class every Wednesday night for about 12-18 weeks right when my id was contemplating having that mid-life crisis. When I’d lie there in the last pose and just close my eyes and meditate I’d picture all the bad stuff leaving my entire soul and body as black gooey stuff. Kind of like that stuff that Venom is made of. Back then there was a lot of it on my mind. This morning I realized I didn’t have any. I used that to capture a zen place where I could use the run to convince that little voice in my head trying to tell me I can’t ; not that it is lying, but that it will all be ok and we can do this. I like the kicking your own ass angry motivational method. But I’ve been using it a lot with all of the issues this year and it’s getting counterproductive. So today, in the cold with drizzle that turned to full on storm by the time we finished, I spent the time telling myself everything would be just fine, we can do this, see your foot doesn’t hurt 5 minutes in to this run you weren’t crazy last week. I supported me instead of drill instructed me. It was the perfect run for it too, nasty weather, frozen body parts, wet gear, windy. All things that make it even worse to conquer and make me feel even more badass when I do. Now I’m not afraid of this season’s first race anymore. I just have 7 more days to continue convincing my id will it all be ok so I can tell it it’s lying on Race Day in mile 10.