This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
That weekend with PJ was nice, We even spend most of the rest of the week talking. It is the last week he will be home before he heads back to school, and closer to me. I’ll get to that but first something bigger has to be covered.
I’m going to talk about God for awhile. I believe in Him. To be honest I’m not really keen on the whole Jesus is the only one true way to heaven thing. I’m sorry if that make some of you sad, but I assure you I am good with it. I am also good with God. He came into my life at a very early age when people I refer to as my god parents helped take care of me after my Mom died until my Dad remarried when I was 3. He was a Nazarene minister and she was a true woman of God. She taught me about unconditional love and no matter how bad things are at home I needed to remember that Jesus/God loved me. God has worked and been present in my life. He has taken care of me and allowed me to be. Learning and knowing and feeling like God loved me was probably one of the things that got me through my childhood and early adulthood. When I was going through this I stopped going to church at some point and didn’t start again until after Mother’s Day. When I started again the Husband was not going with me. I was going alone and taking the kids. Part of our Divorce Decree was that I be allowed to take the kids to church with me on any Sunday even if I didn’t have custody of them that week. When I started back we had been gone so long we no longer had name tags. I remember telling PJ and him asking how big my church was. I needed God and I loved my church. I’ve written about how when they found out about this blog they decided I wasn’t worthy to serve in any capacity and least of all in the preschool room. I decided I didn’t need to go there anymore. But during this time period the church was really helping me. I started volunteering to fill some of my empty weekends. It seemed that every week there was a great sermon on something I needed to hear and gave me the strength to ponder on how I might apply it to my life and my actions. Isn’t that the spiritual goal churches are going for, other than getting your money. It costs money to properly worship the Lord you know. The last I checked the only thing it took to properly worship the Lord was me and HIM. I’m not saying I am a spiritual adviser and I’m not bragging but I really think God walked and talked with me more once I stepped into my mud room that awful evening and begged him to help me get through the night until I could put the kids to bed and then break down. I walked through the rest of that first evening The Husband moved out in kind of an eerie calm. It was the first time I understood the difference between me calm and God calm. When you are God calm in spite of the roiling turmoil right under the surface you can still be a good enough Mom to get your kids bathed and in bed for that first night alone with only Mommy. In the several months I slept alone I woke up with a little Destroyer next to me in bed probably 5 mornings a week. It was such a habit he didn’t even ask or wake me up anymore, he just climbed onto his Daddy’s old spot and went back to sleep. He did the same thing at his Dad’s house. I often woke up with a furry monster on his Daddy’s old side of the bed too. I honestly don’t know how I did it if God wasn’t there. I called on Him to carry me through often during this journey. As I let Him in my inner thoughts more and started making God part of my healing and learning process sometimes I would feel like he sent me thoughts or signs or helped me solve problems. Usually this happened in the shower and usually while I was crying. These epiphanies would come out of the blue, sort of like thoughts that would pop into my head. I don’t know if God has ever talked to you, but the very same pastor who sent me packing was the one who described God talking to you like that one Sunday. and I knew exactly what he meant. I would enter those showers and just sob under the water. Then I would just get quiet and start doing whatever it was I had to do in there. Then a thought would pop into my head, and it would come out of no where and make TOTAL sense. So I would grab onto it and start working through what it could mean. I’m not saying my own inner wants didn’t influence this interpretation, it is not like GOD wrote on my mirror. I started using my 3×5 cards to journal them and then posting them up on my dream board where I could see them every minute I was in the Home Office if I needed to. I added to the board over the summer as I journaled on the cards more and more, I started paying more attention to where that Godly advice led me. What I could do with it to better my situation and my emotional state. I also spent a lot of time on my back patio smoking, reading, listening to music and drinking wine or beer. I’d spend my last few minutes before going to bed at night looking up at that same sky Pj and I were under and checking out the moon. I never saw any Godly signs in those stars, but I started noticing something repetitive in the cloud watching game. Clouds that looked like doves. Sometimes there would be just one, sometimes two, sometimes a really big one. But the more I noticed the more they were there and I took them as a universal heavenly sign from God to me. All I wanted was peace, peace in my soul, my heart, my homes, my life. I wanted peace and closure. I wanted to stop acting ten different ways but I just wanted to STOP feeling THIS way. I didn’t really share this God talking to me thing with anyone. I was already questioning my sanity enough with what I was going through. But I did my best to take the advice.
Some of it was:
It’s Not your turn:
I used this one to try not to communicate so quickly or in rapid succession. My friends will tell you I must of lost that skill in transition because rapid succession texts are probably my trade mark. This works fine with people who know you very well, but not so much with dudes you aren’t trying to think you are clingy and needy. I have a tendency to chase attention when I see it waning. It’s an old habit and a bad one. When I would do this I would usually continually up the effort until it got to the point I had had to ask myself the “is this creepy” question. The bad thing about that is by the time you have to ask yourself that question it is WAY past creepy already. If I reminded myself that it wasn’t my turn. If I chose to live with the uncomfortable feeling not getting said attention was causing. If I just breathed and waited and taught myself to turn my attention to together things. Then if the guy cared about me and was a good guy, that attention was coming and it would get here as soon as it id. I could not set the tone and pace and control it. I would have to learn to change myself and my thinking and action in order to learn to wait my turn. Hello my name is Lola and I learned to wait my turn when I was 39. Thanks God!
Take My Time:
I didn’t have to make all decisions so quickly or act upon every impulse immediately. I could apply that same choosing to live with crappy feeling while searching for a better way logic to this area too. I’m sorry if this is turning into a self help book on how to work on yourself, but more than a few of you have asked me questions personally that amount to ” explain the true meaning of working on yourself, what is the magic bullet to solving the issue”. I have tried to explain it but never really in a well spoken version until the other day in the car when my bestie Baker and I took a long night drive and spent some quality time together. I think has been coming out in all the writing I’ve been doing in the last 10 days.
God talked to me about PJ too:
- Love Him
- Let Go
- Give yourself permission to let go
In retrospect those first two were probably about GOD, not Paul. I wasn’t really ready to read it that way yet though. I always like to think that ” I got this”.
After I made my 8 week proclamation and after I had my Go Radio conversation with PJ I sat down the next a Sunday afternoon and started a written journal. Why not a blog? Because I needed to be off the internet. A written journal gave me something tangible to hold onto, a written journal gave my hands something to do beside d click mouse buttons, it gave me somewhere to focus my eyes besides my computer monitor. I wrote in that thing sitting in the same place I would of been sitting had I been on line. In my chair in the home office. I spent the whole next few weeks and then months writing in that thing. When I started it I literally had to write the time of day next to my notations. That way I could see when the last time I’d needed to get it out and write it our instead of communicate with PJ online. I also started writing more about the communications we did have those last few weeks. It was like I had already started documenting when I didn’t know it was coming. I’m a PMP, we create documents to make sense of things. God allowed me to start working it out myself as I was ready to handle what the truth was going to bring. I don’t think I realized what i was doing when I started writing that very first afternoon., but on page 3 I wrote
So God please help me. Please help me to deal and go through the pain now so I can release it and be strong enough to take it in the future. I don’t think I recognized it at the time I was doing it. I was just in the alone place bubble trying to work on me without the chaos and God was there too. I haven’t read the journal in many many months. I sat and read it tonight as this was just about finished. It is pretty amazing to read myself more than a year later on this topic. That poor girl was a hot damn mess.
More to come Lovies.
Yes, I know it’s Thursday. Life very much got in the way of getting the Almost Divorce story back on track. Life will be in the way until Tuesday. On Tuesday I have two glorious days off for me. I’ll be running my 2nd Half Marathon in 2 days and then immediately going on a family trip.
I’m going to need those two days and I have a massage, a facial and lots of writing time planned. I’m sort of at a crossroads with the AD story. My feelings about the subject evolve as I share more and more. My feelings about the subject evolve as I receive positive, constructive, and hateful feedback. I’ve been a little stuck; not from an oh its too hard to write emotionally standpoint, we are way past that nonsense. It’s more writers block from a where to take the story next standpoint. I honestly think I need to sit down and print it out and read it the old fashioned way from part 1 to part 9, which has been in edit mode for over a month.
I sometimes worry as I tell it if I’m doing it well enough, being fair enough to everyone involved, being graceful enough about PJ, owning enough etc… Whenever I feel this way, or whenever I get hateful feedback I have to ask myself just one question. And that is, is this ME… Am I fearlessly being myself?
Yes I am. This week that came at a cost of my children no longer having a church their Mother feels welcome in. Which means they no longer have a church. It also means that the 3 years of work I put into my family and The Husband to find a church we could agree on, actually get up and go, have the kids like it and then get brave enough to volunteer and serve in is ruined. It means that the fight I put into making sure my Divorce Decree said I was able to take my kids to church every Sunday in spite of whose week it was, was wasted.
And they did it the the most cliched, this is why people hate Christians and The Church way.
I was told a BLOG is not the best way to work through issues, the church as an organization must be protected and I need to stop serving in any capacity.
Now I was never told what about this blog/me is the danger. I’m just lobbing a slow one over the fence and guessing it’s the AD story. But really, in light of the judgement it could be the vodka, the cussing, the sex stories of my youth, maybe the music I listen to. Who knows and I’m not wasting time worrying about it. I got my boobs out on the internet and then discovered that is a BAD idea and leads to MUCH BIGGER problems which are also not good. I sinned, recovered, was forgiven, learned from it and then started sharing with others. Yes, it’s intense, it’s way personal. a friend pointed out this week that it is my ministry to others.
But they aren’t kicking me out , they still want us to come. And they would be happy to help me with my recovery process in any way. I’m the one choosing to feel this way ( unwelcome/kicked out) about what they did.
They tried to shame me, but it didn’t work. I carried around shame about my actions during and after for far too long. I haven’t had that shame in awhile because God, The Husband and I have all forgiven me. As far as the rest, well, it’s me shrugs. Fearlessly being myself, I choose to feel unwelcome in that house of worship and never go back. It’s a loss for me for sure, it’s a loss for my family. I cried, like a lot. But I’m not ashamed.
Lovies, my commitment to myself is that I will come away next Thursday being at least 2 weeks ahead again on the Almost Divorce story. Have a safe and Wonderful Labor Day weekend and GOD bless you!!