I had a good cry today. A sobbing into my husbands chest, tears streaming down my face, kids coming over for a family hug cry. Why? The catalyst is the fact that I have an appointment with the Foot Dr on my calendar and I neither remember the Foot Dr’s actual name or where he is located. I’m not sure I have any way of finding out either, other than maybe searching online for the past EOB or hoping they call to confirm my appt. I used to be able to store information inside my brain like a steel trap, have more than multiple things in the air and keep track of them all with ease, all while adding more and more to the pile, my brain is ADHD and stress “fractured” and I’m pissed about it.
Work is really stressful right now, the urgency of the work is piling up, and I feel like I am constantly trying to move a freight train with one hand on the caboose, pushing with all my might. Our work environment is in a word, craptacular, at the moment. I am the program manager for one of the biggest projects we have going, but it is currently eclipsed by the other biggest project we have going and no one will take mine as seriously as they should, and I can’t really blame them, we have priority and resource issues galore.. Mine is regulatory, it is my job to make sure it keeps moving, I feel like I must be doing this , it’s either that or beat my head repeatedly against my desk.
This is my first foray into Program management land, I have a team of 3 head PM’s and a what will end up being a cast of thousands. The moving parts and complexity alone of this project are enough to make solid mind me squirm. With the current work environment and all the personal things I am juggling I am barely keeping it together and today the damn broke.
Personally I am trying to manage,
MiniMe : ADHD- 2 docs, Plantar warts- 1 doc
The Destroyer: ADHD- need to get him started on testing, He scored high for hyperactivity and the icing on the cake, oppositional defiant disorder.
Every conversation in my home is a negotiation or battle of some sort, full of not listening, not following directions or outright just lying to me and doing whatever we want. No wonder I’m worn down
Myself: ADHD- 1 doc and they can’t get me in until August 31st. I really don’t have 3 months to go completely ummedicated. I’ve seen the improvements in MiniMe from the meds, and I NEED something to focus at work and home, to remember to write down something more than ” Foot Doc” because I am NOT going to remember things anymore. I seem to have lost the ability and I want my brain back.
I have a whole list of concerts I’ve bought tickets to that I don’t even know when they are because I haven’t bothered to put them on the calendar. This week alone there are 4 doctor appointments that I really don’t have time to get to or be away from work during. Adding insult to injury my entire freaking town is all torn up in construction, you can’t get in or out of it without lengthy waits or hassle, it’s like no one looked to see what other construction projects were going on all at once before going hell yeah let’s tear that road up and close it too! And there is some freaking pervert(s) on the loose in our town trying to steal children, the police seem to be doing very precious little about it and our department is not that freaking busy. I currently cannot let my children go around the hood with walkie talkies, or out of my sight for that matter, it has transformed me into insane crazy mother lioness. Child molesters are a pretty hot button for me and I may be infinitely frustrated with my kids on a daily basis lately but I certainly don’t want them raped and murdered. I have a race in less than 7 weeks to train for and when I went to call the Y, my wed night yo-pi isn’t being offered this summer. Today basically made me feel like this
It’s a lot to absorb right now, and it finally just bubbled up and sprang forth. I felt better after getting it out, but crying about it sure didn’t make any of it go away. I’ll have to tighten the BGP and figure out how to proceed without further losing my mind.
Happy Hump Day Lovies. I squeezed another day off from my week for some much needed alone time. Today is the last day of 3rd grade and Kindergarten for MiniMe and The Destroyer. The last 8 weeks or so of the school we spent testing and diagnosing MiniMe with ADHD. We are on our 2nd dose of the first med and she seems to be doing better. the Kumon is also probably helping but only time and a whole summer of work to catch up is going to tell. Discovering I have a child with ADHD has been an interesting emotional ride for me. Not only are we starting the process of screening The Destroyer, but I am also putting myself through it.
I’ve asked every teacher of MiniMe’s if they thought she had ADHD. Staying focused always seems to be an issue in her classroom, her math foundation never got to where it should be in First Grade, after that it just builds so once she hit 3rd and multiplication came into play her grades came crashing down to C’s. C’s are like F’s in our family, simply not acceptable. Plus every single night of home work was an all out battle of wills and patience. I didn’t struggle with home work as a kid, just did it and I didn’t get or need a lot of help. I wanted my kids to be the same way. After 9.5 years as a mother it is finally sinking in that my kids are not going to be “me” just because they have half of my genetic material, except when they are exactly like “me”.
Enter in ADHD screening. As I was filling out the first set of Vanderbilt Forms it hit me pretty quickly that more than a few of the behaviors listed I could apply to myself as well as my daughter. I was also born without the filter between my brain and my mouth, I thought I was just emotional and/or an extrovert. I also am slow or have difficulty getting started on tasks I see as boring or unpleasant, I thought this was just depression/apathy/procrastination/laziness. I have an addictive personality and a low natural threshold to impulsiveness, I thought this was just the weak parts of me that needed a stronger set of BGP applied to them. I can never remember where I put my drink, purse, shoes, phone. I can hyper focus when reading and tune out the entire world. My number one coping mechanism for feeling overwhelmed like I can’t do something is to start shutting down, checking out in any way possible. She totally got this from me didn’t she? I asked Babu. When he avoided answering the question I knew my academically lackluster freshman year of college was probably more than too much weed, beer and sex.
This discovery sent my mind on a processing spin and I’m just about out of it. I am reconciling this new information with what I already know about me to see if it sheds any light or changes any perspectives I have. I was struggling with whether or not to just leave myself the hell enough alone because I have already have 41 years of self monitoring and course correction training, or get tested and go on some meds only to find out that apparently things that make up a large part of “me” are in fact curable with a pill. What the fuzzle will that even be like? Better, mind blowing, enlightening, scary, or nothing at all. Probably it will be a little bit of all of those things. In the end curiosity and the drive to be fearless won out and I decided to start the screening process officially. I’ll keep you posted, promise.
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
This post could also be titled, Living well is the best revenge.
Let’s see where were we? Oh yes, darkness to day. It’s August 25 2010 and I am numb with grief. Life must go on as it always does when things come to an end, and as I stumble through it my mind is racing with thoughts of PJ. Realizations are hitting me both in a slow creep and a massive stab to the heart. My body has been trained to melt with lust when it thinks of him and my heart was so hopeful that things were going to be ok. It’s a combination of; Ok then, let’s pick ourselves up and move on, who was that masked man, and OMG WTF just happened to me. My soul needs to make sense of this, but as Tab told me, Sociopaths don’t make sense. I am alternating waiting for the other shoe to drop in his return and explanation and knowing that he is never ever ever ever ever ever coming back. Yep, mission accomplished, I am thoroughly mind fucked. I go through all the stages of grief, sometimes weaving in and out of one to the other and back again. I can only assume since he is choosing not to prove his innocence as quickly as possible that he is indeed guilty. But of what? Which things were lies and which things were truth? And then the hits start coming, sometimes it’s many in a day, sometimes it’s not for a few days.
The first hit: He owns a hand gun. He knows where I live. He has talked about putting me in his pit and joked on more than one occasion about chloroform. I don’t feel safe. That is such a great feeling to have when you are sleeping alone in a 5 bedroom house. At least I had benefit of an alarm system, a dog and good friends. Nothing like the first thought of your ex being concern that he is going to actually harm you. That felt great.
My previously mentioned emergency counseling session with Tab yields the following nuggets and to do’s.
- I have to create an answer I can live with
- I need to remember what I know about me, just because he did this doesn’t mean I’m not who I am.
- I have been violated and it is simply just not fair
- Suffering tempers us, ruin paves the way for transformation. In hind sight this is absolutely true and I would not be where I am in this moment, if PJ hadn’t done what he did. I am a better woman with a better marriage.
- My wondering=he wins.
- Maybe he truly was just that afraid. I have to find the pieces that fit.
So a few short days after he is gone I sit down one night and put on the BGP. I have spent 48 hours spinning and in reviewing the last few weeks before he vanished it is clear to me that the end was near and he was leaving clues. It is clear even that short time later that he is a sociopath and is likely married or at the very least has a girlfriend. So many little things all fit together and make sense now. My heart was in ruins, I wondered if I would have to go back to my husband simply because I would never be able to trust another man again. That sure sounded like a solid plan to reconciliation. That last sentence is sarcasm in case you people haven’t figured out when I’m kidding yet. I was pissed because I have more work to do and I’m fucking tired of doing work on myself. It is hard and exhausting. Some part of me promptly rejects the sociopath explanation because I don’t want it to be true. I know now that it is. I’ve come to that conclusion and acceptance of the conclusion. I have forgiven myself and Paul Jay Mathis.
By the third or so day the reality of the situation and what it may have cost starts to set in. I haven’t asked my ex if he is still interested in reconciliation because we were HOURS away from divorce when all of this went down. He may not agree to go back to marriage counseling, he may not agree to anything. I could be looking at a zero sum game here and I don’t even know what I want to do yet.
Here are some things I learned about Sociopaths based on my internet reading and one book I checked out of the library. I want to say the premier author on this subject is Martha White, but I’m not writing a term paper so I’m not bothering to look it up again. The information I found was very enlightening and helpful. And also very scary. I have an real life PJ example I could give you for almost every one of these things. Many of these are direct quotes from my reading.
- 1 out of every 25 people are Sociopaths, scary isn’t it.
- Sociopaths have no conscience, they cannot distinguish between right and wrong.
- They don’t EVER actually feel remorse or bad about what they do, they learn to fake it along with faking other emotions like sadness or love.
- They are often VERY good at faking it, often enigmatic, beautiful, sexy, successful people.
- They know when they are doing it that they do not love you, they are incapable of love.
- They are certified monsters, once their magic has had its effect there is only you and GOD left to pull out of that hole. TRUE DAT.
- They are not working with all their marbles, but often you feel like to admit such is to admit you are missing marbles too. This one totally explained why I felt CRAZY all the time when I was with him. He once told me, Oh i’m crazy doll, you know that. It was August when he told me that.
- Knowing that you will always return to them is what gives them a kick.
- They keep asking for another chance
- Control is their drug, it drives them it is like cocaine in their system and they need a victim.
- They are pathological liars, who are impulsive and tend to be alcoholics or drug abusers
- They claim crying
- In the back of your mind you know something is wrong, very wrong
- Do you think you’re in a never ending cycle of pain, where you feel as if you can’t free yourself of the relationship? Why yes, thank you very much I do!!!!
- You love him, can’t live without him, but being with him is one of the greatest tortures you’ve ever known.
- Vulnerable, single or divorcing/ed women are their PRIME TARGETS!!!!!!!!
- They have antisocial tendencies
- They can’t hold down a steady job.
- They suffer from low self esteem.
- They have been the victim of many situations, if not all
- They want you to feel as low as they feel about themselves and worse
- Being with them is mental horror and abuse
- If you are lonely and needy you are a big target, you are the only one who udnerstands him now
- Seldom admits they have a problem
- Low grade sociopaths start around age 15
So here is the deal. I am going to finish up this post about PJ and then we are not talking about him again. At least not in detail. We are going to focus on my reconciliation and then we will be done with this story.
I cried and thought my way through September, October, and November about him. The first Tuesday in December 2010, I was walking into or out of work, and I was having a conversation with God. As my feet hit the pavement I was demanding that GOD bring him back and make him look me in the eye and give me an explanation. I got home from picking MiniMe up from Girl Scouts that night to an IM informing me that PJ had shown up in Skype. I almost puked, but I held it together long enough to have a knee jerk reaction and request him as a contact, with a simple It is about time comment. Roughly 3 days later he accepted that contact request and then NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO SAY. I was told, but did not see that he actually went into chat one day and cammed up. I was told he was given a less than friendly reception from those that knew him. I had told more than a few people what happened. I started my 2nd chat career out of chasing PJ into chat that December. And I didn’t get out again until right before Memorial Day 2011. I thought about him every single one of those days and wondered if he was lurking in chat and watching me. The Big Guy happened in that time space and he was my rebound online relationship. As in replacing old memories with new ones, rebound relationship. I will not be giving any details about The Big Guy or any insight into that relationship or my feeling about it or him. I will simply tell you that my 2nd chat career ended when I….recognized that I wanted to be done with all of the bullshit and actually start some serious work to heal properly, decided to end it with The Big Guy when it became apparent that he didn’t understand no meant no and didn’t care to bother owning his actions. The same night I ended it, The Husband found out about him, but he understood that The Big Guy was merely a symptom of chasing after Paul. We came away from that set back and that part of our story in is our past. I’m a very lucky, very grateful woman. I could be in dead in a pit right now. Instead I am very much alive and writing this blog for your entertainment and education.
Living well is the best revenge and I am most certainly choosing to live well
More to come soon Lovies.
- Psychopath Vs Sociopath (mademan.com)
- Sociopaths and Psychopaths: Can They Be Cured? (robertlindsay.wordpress.com)
- Sociopath – are you one? (insideasanemind.com)
- Love and Illusion: You Could be Dating or Married to a “Social Sociopath”: How Would you Know? (prweb.com)
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
So it’s the beginning of June and things are looking up. A lot of things happened in June and I won’t get them all sequentially straight. June was full of crazy and really confusing. It also about 18 months ago and I don’t dwell on this stuff anymore, so accurately timed details are hazy at best on some fronts.
On the GW front PJ and I are both out of Public. I start out the month seeing him both personally on our own Gmail accounts and Skyping and in GWP, by the end of the month I was out of GWP and had even deleted my first Lola account “Supernovalola”. Getting out of chat was a big deal for me. I had been going to weekly sessions with my counselor and knew it was something I needed to do to get healthy. I no longer wanted this internet chat room and naked picture posting addiction. I dramatically dropped the number of posts to r/gonewild over the summer, only posting occasionally. Occasionally means every couple of weeks instead of 5-7 times a week. It had been Paul’s idea for us to leave public chat, but it was something I wanted to do anyway. I was quite proud of myself for making this leap, I knew that even though things sucked uber badly with the divorce situation that I was making strides back to me. It was my FIRST STEP in this direction and I was pretty excited. Until I talked to The Husband and the Soul Mate friend about it. The Husband was hung up on the fact that I was willing to get out of online chatting for PJ and wouldn’t or couldn’t when he was begging me to do it earlier in the journey. When I talked to the Soul Mate friend she was talking, but the words coming out her mouth were not her own, they were my husband’s. It was literally like I was talking to HIM and not her. She even said it was really “scary” that I was willing to quit chat because of PJ. I was pissed. I was QUITTING chat. This is a good thing right??? I had recognized I had an addiction and was finally willing and able to do something about it. This was a good thing and a step in the correct direction. And all she can focus on is why I was getting out of chat. It was at that point that I got suspicious of what was going on between the two of them. It was within 30 days that the cell phone bill error caused me to look deeply into the cell phone bill and discover that she had been calling and texting him 4 times as much as she had been calling and texting me. At 2am and 3am on weekend nights, on the same night he moved out where I had talked to her as well, but their conversation was longer and later The Husband tells me she is giving him inside information on things I trusted her with. There were data files which meant that pics were sent. I was over it and that cuntress had to be sent out of my life with nothing more than an I checked the cell phone bill, I discussed it with my husband, don’t ever contact me again. Betrayal of that kind will not be tolerated and it certainly won’t be discussed. Later I found out there was more, it almost put a complete stop to my reconciliation and I lose one more very close friend. It is literally the day I almost truly lost my mind, I thought we were through the worst of it and I seriously was at a place where I could NOT handle one more thing crashing down. That day almost broke me, the PJ vanishing was bad, but this was worse. I’m over it and we are back together. This is the last time we will cover this topic. Peace be with her, may this find her better than I left her.
My focus at that time was on getting my shit together, on learning to cope and be a single parent. I had numerous issues to deal with. The list was long and I had to prioritize. I also knew I had a PJ addiction, but it wasn’t something I was ready to tackle just yet. I was trying, but I was compromised mentally, checked out chemically and I had to prioritize. No one can fix everything all at once. I still wasn’t 100% certain that divorcing my husband was the right thing for me and my family. But it was the boat I was in and I was doing my best to steer it in a better direction, haters be damned. I did a LOT of screaming and crying in frustration during that summer. I am stronger for it.
PJ is putting forth major effort on all fronts and things are going well. But then….he gets a new job, he is now working at some car dealership back in the back washing cars or doing repairs or some crap. He was very, very handy and I love handy men. His first job of the summer was working for a local farmer, who he had worked for previously, getting all the tractors and equipment up and running for planting, putting in an electric horse fence kind of stuff. I never asked why he was changing jobs, I only know one morning as we were getting ready together he told me he was going to a job interview for a little better crappy summer job at the dealership. The car dealership schedule has him alone there on Wednesdays until 1 in the afternoon, which makes for great IMing during Wednesday’s. The issue with this is I usually, but not always go into my actual office on Wednesday’s. We were enjoying the bliss of open loving communication and things going well when the next bad thing happened. PJ was at work one Wednesday on NPR that day was all about child abuse. He tells me that he spent most of the day crying, he tells me that his step-dad had abused him as a kid. His Mom chooses to send him away to live with his Dad, but let his Sister stay there. He was about 10 at the time. I guess this physical abuse went on even when he visits until one summer when he is a teen and he hits back. If he is a sociopath, I have his Mother to thank for that. At the time I wasn’t clued into his evil mother fuckerness, I only wanted to bitch slap his mother. Time and perspective has taught me that we all make bad choices as mothers. Sometimes those choices are hard and heartbreaking. When he freaked out earlier in our relationship because she had called, it was because she was trying to establish a relationship with him again. He felt abandoned and unloved by her, like she chose her husband over her kid and wasn’t open to it. When he vanishes later she is still trying and even though he has been going to weekly counseling of his own, he is still telling her no. As part of this counseling he tells his Dad what happened to him with the Step-Dad. It is helpful ad cathartic, but his list of issues is still long. One this day, he admits to me that he has basically been falling apart and into depressions since he arrived home in very early May. He is overwhelmed with his issues. He is as Tete would call it, a hot mess. This state reached it’s worst during this part of the summer and lasted until pretty close to the middle of July.
Now I have mentioned before that I was by nature a fixer. Surely I can help this situation by giving him more, by being understanding, by being loving and not trying to be selfish. We are a team right, he asked me to be a team. If a relationship is supposed to be 50/50 and the dude is only giving 25, I try to make up for this by giving 75 so he won’t leave me. But you can’t do that. You can’t replace what someone isn’t giving you by giving them more. I had ISSUES I needed to be working on. I needed to get my personal life in order, to get healthy. I needed to step back and allow PJ to fix himself. You cannot fill a hole or complete another person. You have to be a whole person with a solid foundation on your own. They have to be the icing on your cake, not half the cake too. I had gotten out of Public, I had gotten out of GWP. I also know this is easier said than done, like most painful and difficult things.
At some point I ask PJ to come visit me over 4th of July. He agrees to entertain the idea. He posts a comment on one of my r/gonewild public posts “That’s how sweaty we will be getting when I come to visit”. I am cautiously beyond the moon. It is looking like maybe things are going to work out here. But he quickly snatched the rug out from under me within a week beacuse he claims that he has to be the one to work on some of the days over the weekend. He has from like Saturday at 5 till Monday am free, he supposedly only lives 3 hours away. If he really wanted to see me wouldn’t he be coming down for as much time as he could? This plays completely into VinD’s point that as a man , if he wants a woman, he does whatever he has to do to be with her. It is inexcusable that he wasn’t standing on my porch ringing my doorbell the second that I was free of my kids over Memorial Day Weekend and this is even more heinous. He got my hopes up and then yanked the carrot away. This is how PJ operates, but I’m still in a hazy fog of lust and other issues, and even though I am starting to see it, I an quite frankly incapable of doing anything about it. Whatever it is I am getting from him is keeping me very attached and very around for the time being.
VinD begs me to try ignoring PJ for 72 hours. Just 3 days he says, simply be unavailable to him in any capacity for 3 days. Don’t go online, don’t email, just ignore him. So one weekday I do just that. I am silent and away for the entire day and it is NOT easy. I have a pretty crappy day at work, and there is a huge storm where lightening sets a house on the sac on fire. I have the kids and we are all trying to help and then I have to get the kids calmed down because they wake up and I’m not there, the neighbors are standing in my driveway and some of us are down helping. I finally just go to bed so I won’t get on the internet. I have done it, I have gone and entire day without communication to PJ in any form. The next morning I have a very lengthy email from PJ. I didn’t save it but it goes something like this.
” Please don’t go away and stop talking to me. I adore you and want you and miss you and need you. I dream about being with you in August when I am back in school and I can’t wait to do that. I think about you all the time and don’t want to be without you. Please, please don’t just go away”
I send a lengthy email back that goes something like this. ” Here is a lengthy description of my bad day. WTF August?? The last I checked it was June. This may have happened in July but there really isn’t any way to accurately remember. We talk about this and are back on track, he is telling me he has plans and dreams for us, and I want to believe, so I choose to. He has also told me previously that he didn’t want to make any big relationship steps until after his Wedding date had passed, and that was coming up in July.
More to come next Thursday lovies.
This series is published once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
I have that phrase written up at the top of almost all of the pieces of this AD story. It is so far, not counting the Zinnia and Sunflower time lapse pics, the only story to have multiple installments. It is broken apart for a lot of reasons, most of which revolve around your reading and my writing comfort. It is too large, lengthy and complicated to manage in one sitting, unless you are a glutton for overworking your mind , in which case carry on.
I wrote recently about being at a crossroads with this story, that I was stuck. But I realize now that I was just waiting for something to settle in, waiting for a few more things to unlock before I proceeded, waiting for some additional time to pass from the end of the story, and waiting until the anniversary of the climax ( PJ’s identity fake) was over. I was taking time to breathe, to be, to live. The intention for this series has always been for it to have an end, just another story on this blog, but one that took a while to tell.
I’ve been stuck at that crossroads because timeline wise we are on the precipice of chat. We are there actually, stepping into the rail yard where I will keep searching without knowing that is what I’m doing until I find a young pretty Greek crazy train and willingly get on it, take it for a hell of ride, crash it a few times and eventually watch it all suck in and vomit back out around me, then put myself and my life all back together again, but not in the exact same way. So in the interest of giving sense of time and space, I have created a timeline for the story. Now you can see where it started, where it is and where it is headed based on what piece of it each week brings. In telling it I have to set the foundation to educate those of you with no background or understanding of online playing. I have the marriage and what went on with that, the online and what went on with that, the me and the kids and what went on with that, and the lessons of grace and hindsight to apply to it all and share. It is the timeline that guides the story and dictates where it goes next.
The Almost Divorce Timeline:
The quick and dirty
r/gonewild and Gone wild chat: Round 1- December 2009 though June 2010 Round 2- December 2010-May 2011
PJ- April 2010-August 2010, December 2010
The Husband- Moved out May 2010- In October 2010, still here 🙂
Big Guy- February 2011-May 2011
All the detials
Summer 2007 start to have questions and doubts about life and life choices
Summer 2009 festering is about to boil over
November 2009 Reddit r/gonewild starts
December 2009-Chat starts
Winter/Spring 2010– The Husband agrees to marriage counseling and we begin doing that weekly, then bi weekly, then monthly, then not at all because we are getting divorced. Meanwhile I become more and more entrenched and addicted to GW and Chat.
April 2010 Meet PJ in a public chat room. Discover there are mutual feelings going on. Rules are still GW playtime rules, so this obviously causes some Husband and PJ drama.
May 2010 The Husband tells me over Mothers Day Weekend I am getting a divorce , then proceeds to change his mind and start fighting for me on Monday by sending PJ and email and demanding he stay away from me. I spend May trying to decide if I want a divorce or a separation, having my first fight with PJ, trying to stay away from him and make sure I’m not getting divorced just b/c of him. It’s a freaking mess and his first chance to run, but he goes no where. The Husband and I work out all the mediation and non contested divorce decree details. The Husband moves out over Memorial Day Weekend. Custody schedule and child support schedule starts. I start individual counseling once a week, then every other week, then monthly. Then not at all.
Early June 2010– The Husband and I sign the paperwork for the divorce, but I don’t file yet.
June 2010 Leave chat. PJ leaves public and convinces me to leave with him. It’s not hard because I know I have a problem and am ready to do something about it. I leave public and then GWP. I would pop in for a lurk or a visit, but never stayed long and was often gone for weeks, or months in the case of public, at a time. Chat was always a potential link to seeing PJ, so it becomes a portal later. The kids start their own counseling. The friends choose Team Lola or Team The Husband, some choose both. Some don’t choose as expected… I read the cell phone bill in detail b/c of an over charge. I then throw a soul mate friend out of my life after discussing the bill and its revelations with The Husband. In the girl code loyalty is everything. This friend chose the wrong team, played double agent and divulged my secrets to my husband. Dead to me and a bigger betrayal than what PJ did.
June 21, 2010 PJ ends things rather than move them forward, that weekend the I wasn’t going to do that fight happens, the last name is given, his first real gmail account is nuked into oblivion. Something in me severs, because I am dumped if you will via G-chat without even a cam on. And even in my state of driving the crazy train I am not that stupid.
June 28, 2010 am– PJ starts again with the just give me time BS and I start repeatedly getting on the what is the state of the current or future PJ/Lola union ride. I also file for divorce on this day. Yes I wish he’d stayed gone too lovies, but really I filed because at this point I was ready to move on without either of them.
Week of June 28– I decide I’m going to start dating, I politely inform, under the guise of asking his permission, PJ this is how the new world order is going to work and I put a profile on Match.com. Start talking to and dating new people. Basically refuse to give much detail about any of this to PJ or The Husband and start living my life. Yes in fact this does introduce one more thing about dudes for me to manage during this time.
July 2010 I repeatedly ride the PJ roller coaster cycle of crazy hoping for a different outcome each time, date new dudes, work on self in therapy and use dating as my lab for my working on myself experiments. PJ starts counseling, creates a new real gmail account and generally pretends he’s getting his stuff together for me while reaping the rewards of my iphone skills. The Husband continues to fight for me. I’m no longer dealing with a chat addiction and I start dealing with my PJ addiction and the other things being a divorcing single parent brings.
July 19, 2010 The Husband tells me he thinks PJ is not who he says he is, so we look who he thinks he is up on the internet, and then we argue about his .edu email and whether or not he is in the student/staff directory for the college he is supposedly attending/working at. I throw The Husband out b/c I am tired of the push me pull you between the two of them. When I tell PJ he freaks the hell out because The Husband is looking for him. And I become fed up with him as well.
July 20, 2010 I tell PJ I don’t want to talk to him or see him at all for the next 8 weeks. I tell The Husband he is not allowed to say a WORD to me about getting back together for 8 weeks. I am done with the push me pull you BS between PJ and The Husband, tired of the games PJ is playing and generally ready to consider kicking some ass and take some names in my new life, without either of them (or any of the match dudes) in it. The problem with this is I can never stay away from PJ for very long and things like the “he’ll just have to love my kids” discussions happen. But my gut is taking more and more control as I get healthier and healthier.
August 2010 More dating, more working on myself and healing, no more chat and very limited pic action. The 90 days to final divorce is coming at the end of the month. One Sunday, I have a horrible epiphany of sweet clarity and I literally beg God to get me away from PJ, this is what I want I pray, to be rid of the poison of him. God delivers quickly and without any question as to outcome.
August 23-25 2010 The nails go into PJ’s coffin one by one. He isn’t showing up in the edu directory, he claims he isn’t in classes, I tell him not to contact me until he gets his life together and can provide a concrete identity. I then stumble upon degreeverify.org from his school’s web site and I checkout both his undergrad and grad school claims. Best $13 I ever spent. First the undergrad no comes in, then the next morning the grad school no comes in. What I always knew is proven without a doubt. The dude is a total fraud and probably a sociopath. Still, I loved him and it reels me.
August 25, 2010 The world as I know it is over, he nukes all of his online accounts, all of his emails. The only he can’t nuke is skype. Fucking Skype...
September 2010 Healing, baby steps in the reconciliation, set backs in the reconciliation, more baby steps, more set backs. You know the usual. If ever a point in my journey where my grief was at its worst it was here in this month. I spent it crying, sometimes multiple times a day.
October 2010 The Husband moves back in never to leave, same for the kids moving back in full time. We begin to work very hard at our reconciliation and at crafting our life post almost divorce.
December 6, 2010 I demand around 9:30 am to God to bring him back and give me answers. ( I am so stubborn) I get home from a meeting to find out from a friend he’s shown up on Skype. I want to puke but hold it together, for about an hour.
December 2010 PJ and I are contacts on skype, I requested him and he added me. We never have a chat or conversation of any kind. He shows up in chat and gets on cam. I don’t ever see him there, I start to pop in again, in the hopes of answers. They don’t come, he either isn’t in chat at all or he’s lurking. Dude is clearly a sociopath. I mean really….
December 2010- February 2011 Chat, Oh I’ll just see if I can nail PJ, oops it’s a mild relapse. I call it a relapse because I was addicted to it previously and needed it to learn that I cannot go to chat at all. This stint in chat helped me heal from PJ, and discover more things about myself. I also had a much better time in chat this round. No stable of boys or pursuit of playmates. Though I do still have fans, this round is mostly about hanging out and having fun and conversation. My top two love languages are Quality Time in the form of good conversation and words of affirmation. Both are plentiful and quickly accessible in chat. But I stay too long and…..
March 2011-May 2011 The Big Guy- yep it’s the rebound GW guy. He knew of me during chat round 1 and my time with him gets me over PJ and opens my eyes to a few last things about myself I need to realize for long term self and marriage maintenance. He helped me greatly with my recovery process and is very very real, though I never touched him. He hates me; his prerogative, but I wish him only well and feel I have owned and apologized appropriately.
The Husband and I are living adventures and beautiful disasters ever after…. I repeatedly choose him and I am glad I do.
Today I am so grateful for everything I have in my life. I’m grateful for the forgiveness of God and my Husband. I’m thankful I forgave myself and Paul and thankful even for the journey itself.
I’m thankful I get to share more of my story and lessons learned with you lovies next Thursday.