Today in the middle of an awful all day work meeting, near the end of an awful work and frustrating personal week I got the voice mail no one wants. The call from the mammo lab that says you need to call us right back. So I excused myself and found a quiet corner in the conference center. My mammo shows changes in my left breast from last year and I need to go back ASAP when the Radiologist is on site to get more images. The time choices were limited, getting there around traffic, work and family schedule is difficult but I managed to find a time and booked it. I sat back for a minute and let it all sink in. My entire life seems to revolve around how well I can control and maneuver things to success, to pull them out of chaos and turmoil. I called my husband, I asked for prayers on Facebook and I went back to doing my thing. Later I was walking back from taking care of another overdue task on my list and simply noticed this. A sunset. Peace hit me. I can not influence even a tiny bit of the outcome or timeline of this situation. I’m actually ok with that. My entire life I’ve lived with the statistical likelihood that I will someday get breast cancer. This is probably nothing. The right breast has already been carved on and turned out just fine. I could have cancer, but if I do it doesn’t change all that much. I already run, I already work, I already love, laugh and live.
As I snapped this picture I briefly let myself reflect on a worst case scenario. Followed by thoughts of any loose ends that need tending. Then I smiled because there aren’t any. I’ve closed every known Karma loop, I’ve had my say to those that needed it whether to silence or mutual healing. I’m happy with who I am, where I am and confident that all those I love and care for close and far away know it. What more can I ask for? Why be afraid? Perspective.

Almost Divorce Part 27- Between Two Lungs

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

I progressed through the summer in this surreal dance of becoming myself again.   Around me was a  whirlwind of holding on, spinning and weaving as I tried to find that centered path to somewhere worthwhile.

Side bar: Seeing my old stick figures  actually has me thinking I may draw this one. Just consider me your special friend who draws like a 4 year old.   Don’t laugh so when I start my  Dancing with the Stars is the pinnacle of my fame world dominance in motion with a self-published .99 cent e-book of a collection of drawings I don’t have to hate you!   And for the record starting world dominance with a 99 cent e-book wasn’t even MY idea, I totally stole it from People I want to punch in the throat’s blog. Her posts about the Duggar’s and the Elf on the Shelf are awesome.    Just think of what DWTS would do for my new year goal of a tighter ass and leaner legs.   I didn’t have 8 asian kids with a pudgy spineless loser or get a TLC sponsored tummy tuck, but I have personality!  My little curly haired stick figured girl could be famous some….nah really the drawing is just kind of cool to do during and see later.   Plus, who doesn’t like to draw? Which is another conundrum, because how is an artist a sociopath? Don’t you need to feel to be any good at art?  I’ll admit I never saw anything he ever created, I think that is  interesting considering most artists love to show their work.  In his defense I never once asked.

The whirlwhinds around me were The Husband holding on, spinning, PJM weaving.   All around me was chaos, even my own personal path was rocky.  I was a divorcing single mother.  My emotions were all over the place and I had  no lasting way to control it. I was learning to identify issue driven behavior, observe when I was doing it, live with the uncomfortable feelings that drove me to do it while simultaneously NOT doing it for as long as I could, observing my choices in behavior and observe the reactions from others and inside myself after making a choice, use that data to learn and modify my behavior, rinse, repeat, repeat repeat until the  range of behaviors and emotions surrounding whatever “it” was started to pull in from the sides of dichotomy and form a new tighter range.  This new tighter range would then be lived in for a while, and the process of observance, living with the yucky feelings while trying to work through what changes in MY behavior could lead to changes in my FEELINGS about my behavior and therefore, about myself as a person.    That is the best way I can describe what working on yourself feels like while you are doing it.  You are in your own world because your brain is over engaged on observing and molding you, while trying to keep the beast of your emotions at bay long enough to let the positive changes stick and the lessons settle in.   It sucks, those feelings are awful, the failures are frustrating but the victories, how ever small at the time are the fuel that kept me moving along that path.  It was through working on myself and finding an excellent  therapist in Tab that I learned that I could create another place in my world, a bubble I could step into that  refused to allow the chaos inside of it. That place is where I could step and choose to work on me, not control the events going on outside of me. It was the place where I could mold my behavior, pick my battles. It was inside that bubble that I was finding my grey.  I don’t think we have a line inside of us that we do or don’t cross. I used to think life  was like that but I have learned that it isn’t.  There is no black and white, there are only shades of grey. In order to be able to love myself I had to define my grey, sometimes I stumbled through that badly but this was when I was first learning to actually do it.   I don’t know that I think of my soul or personality as a morphing bubble but for point illustration purposes it seems to work.     It was in creating that bubble that I was able to learn that I could choose when to step out into the chaos and how to deal with it when I did.   who or what was allowed into the bubble with me.  God was in that bubble and  He had been waiting for me.  I will get to more of that later. For now let’s talk about the forces of chaos holding onto my heart between two lungs. I just love Florence and The Machine.

The Husband Holding On: 

The Husband was still holding on. We were still having sex, going on dates. He was still choosing to start fights about PJ and was still occasionally pushing me on why it couldn’t work between us.   The thing was, I was no longer in love with my husband.  I hand’t been in some time, that is part of what got us to this place.  I could remember a time when I  was falling in love with him.   I was still critically questioning if I’d settled while that was happening.  But we had   12 years of being a couple under us.  We had been together in a time spans almost as large as the age gap between PJ and I.   We had two children who were unwilling victims in this.  We built a life together and it was full of promises we made to each other. I honestly didn’t know if I could ever fall in love with him  again.  This was a question I asked myself often,  I am a PM, Risk Mitigation is part of my job.   I would ask myself, If I end up without PJ, am I going to want him back?    Each time I pondered this question I could never imagine a place where my Sweet Babu and I were ever going to be able to be ok for long.   I could see an initial reconciliation poisoned by the pain and issues of trust and forgiveness.   I could see bitter, hateful people married to each other feeling trapped because there is no way we could do this to the kids twice.   Even though we went on to reconcile and have remained together our reconciliation process had hints of those things.  Amazingly by the grace of GOD we work through them to land where we are today. But when PJ was accusing me of using him to fill a hole left b y The Husband I did not agree, because I honestly felt that there was no hole left by The Husband. I still feel like The Husband won’t let go and that he doesn’t have my heart. I’m more eager about option C- none of the above than choosing between he and PJ.    I hadn’t started to mourn the almost divorce yet.  That hits in early August and my little  4 year old  Destroyer sets it off. The Husband was the thing trying to hold me back from moving forward.  He was blocking my escape. Spinning:

The dudes were culled into two categories,   young and old.  There were very few my age that even remotely interested me.

Hints for Dudes on and some for  girls too….

  • If you put a picture of yourself on a dating site please do yourself and everyone else a favor and put a face and full body recent picture, not something from college.  This will allow you to not look like an insecure douche bag and will probably get you more dates.   I am not a skinny girl, so I made sure that the whole package was displayed, take it or leave it dude I have plenty to keep me busy.   You should love yourself to put who you really are on display, you only want those who are attracted to the real you right?
  • This does not mean unpack all your crazy on the phone before you ask me out on a date.
  • Most girls prefer to actually meet you in person prior to receiving a picture of your privates, no matter how fabulous you think they are.
  • Every girl know that ” No one has ever complained” is code for my dick is small, because dudes with large penis know they have them so you know you have a small one.   We really don’t care how big it is, sure all girls have preferences but the most important thing is that you can get it hard to something other than porn and last longer than the time it takes for Chasey to do her thing.  We aren’t Chasey, slow the fuck down and enjoy it for a minute. No one likes to fuck a rabid monkey.
  • No you cannot stay at her house after the first date because it will be late and you work early and you live “so far away”.   You should probably not ask her this before the date actually occurs, or it won’t happen.
  • We know what kind of guy you are by the bars you tell us you frequent.  So don’t try to tell us you are looking for an eventual relationship when we can see the only bar you go to is MILF town.  Just say, I’m into fucking MILF’s and I’d like to fuck you.
  • The truth with the right girl will get you so much more than lies with the wrong girl.    

I was lucky enough to make one actual friend. A guy a little bit older than me that as it turns out also had some online experiences to share. Though we have not been nor do not go to the same online circles.     Dr. Kink and I went go carting for our first meet up and then occasionally out to do stuff. Mostly we have come over and play cards time while we talk about whatever drama I am currently experiencing and he tells me about all of the adventures going on in his life. We became pretty good friends.  I had to stop talking to him last Spring after the chat round 2.  The husband requested I cull my male friends list, he provided a few suggestions that were not negotiable and he was one of the victims.   I also had Sunshine and VinD as platonic friends and they were both doing their part to teach me what kind of man I should be seeking.   The other  boys were simply spinning devices. There to take up time and energy, but not really going anywhere on either side.  One I spend a lot of time sexting with, and even sample the grass and move into phone sexing him.   I do the phone sex thing simply to purge my memories of shouting out PJ’s name while recording it, with new memories.   I’ve often subscribed to the quickest way over someone is under someone else theory.  I didn’t say it was a good solution, but it is  one I was used to.   The thing about is it is a lot of work.  Keeping up with it is a huge time suck and there are a lot of weirdo’s out there.    One of my final match boys teaches me some more about what boys are really thinking when they choose not to call. Turns out they just don’t’ want to call, they assume you know this by their act of not calling you.   The silence is the message.   He tells me this while he is talking about another girl he met once, but I know what to think later when the replies stop.  It is easy to take note and move along because a- he already honestly spelled out for me what it means when he doesn’t call b- having sex with that dude was like being fucked by a rabid monkey.  I was so ready to go to bed alone when that was over.   The last guy is a borderline psycho.  I never let him get past g-chatting me and sending me some pics.   As August approaches I am winding even that down.  I think it is probably best to quit dating for a while as the divorce gets finalized and then figure out what to do.  I do not wind down in PJ’s mind though. I make sure to keep the idea of other guys working their way into my life very fresh.   I regret that game a little bit.   I was more hinting than lying  and even though we now know he was lying the entire time, I’d still like my Karma to be a little cleaner in that arena. These diversions were little or large spinning forces, just sort of  buffering me about as I  fought to learn to be able to engage them in healthy manners.  It was within those experiences that I was able to find those uncomfortable feelings I needed to work on and give  new behaviors a shot.   I was so very bad at it in the beginning too. But between staying in the fray and talking more and more with Sunshine I got better and  better. The boys were fun and funny, but they kept my focus scattered. Thanks dudes! It was a fun couple of months.

PJM Weaving:

Lastly there is the weaving of PJ.  The way we climbed this  last hill. I refused to run to it, so he lured me slowly.  He worked for it, took his time saying all of the right things.  He dug the hole of his identity deeper.  He attached himself  further to me.  I allowed myself hope,  I willingly went along for the ride. I had my doubts, but a very large part of me still wanted to be there. I was just getting healthier and smarter and closer to me.   Instead of running from PJ and the pit of despair, I was always running back to it, looking around, opening it up, peeking inside, shouting Hello in there? Pj? Are you going to come out yet?. I don’t what the hell is is about that boy but something would not let me let him go.  Instead I just wove around like little Billy in Family Circus when he is supposed to just go get the mail and instead he is all over the hood.     Even as I was pulling away from him  I was investing more emotion in wanting to know who he really was.  In my mind all of the things that came with the identity were  real and the details would be validated once we were actually around each other.  PJ once told me “something always brings me back to you” and ” we have something we just have to figure it out“.  I could say he was pulling me through his little mind fuck, but that would not be 100% of the truth. I was letting him, but I was tired of how it made me feel.

Getting to that  somewhere worthwhile involved letting go of PJ and running toward whatever was going to happen instead. Apparently  I was just about to queue that up.

More to come soon Lovies.

Almost Divorce- The one time PJ looked evil on cam

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

Today we will be taking a quick side trip to the one (maybe 2) time PJ looked evil on cam.

We are taking this side trip for two reasons.  1- It happened right in here timeline wise.   2- It is the single most vivid visual memory I have of PJ.   It was  July, and emotionally I was in a things are going easy and well with PJ place.   So that only happened when I was taking the crazy train up the hill to the high.   Gut wise I was in a skeptical place, which explains why I was so shocked (the emotional  and also so curious/gotcha (the  gut) when it happened.   I’ve talked about this roller coaster ride before and  how I repeatedly took it, willingly each time until the end when I nuked it and he vanished.  Turns out my journal is a  vast library of really bad drawings I   made while sorting through all of this.  This is  a rough timeline pictorial of those rides.  I notice PJ still has those Spider hands, lol. I am not an artist.

I'm a PMP, we make documents to make sense of things. PS. Your Karma is rocking.

OK , on to the story of that one time PJ looked evil on cam.

There was one time PJ and I cammed and talked where I don’t think he knew his cam was on.  It was a vastly different experience  than  anything else. I have seen PJ looking pretty badly on cam. I’ve seen him sleepy, drunk, stoned, angry, horny, sweaty, wet you name it.   I’ve seen him on cam during down times for us when he looked haggard, sad, worn out.  I’ve seen him unkempt and unmotivated by depression.  I spent 5 months looking at this guy, another reason why I think I’d KNOW if I saw him on a plane.   I believe the saying that you can see the soul of someone in their eyes.  It is how a persons expresses themselves with the physicality of their body that often makes a larger impact than the words from their brain they are expressing.   How does that quote go, I can’t hear what you are saying because of the way you are saying it.  I have spent countless hours looking into those eyes and seeing various things, but I recognized them all.   As part of seeing PJ’s face and eyes a lot on cam I also became accustomed to seeing certain areas of the house  and yard.  I was familar with the bedroom, bathroom, his living area, kitchen, back screen porch, back yard table by porch, pool and occasionally the field behind the barn’s night sky and stars.  Of those areas I was least familiar with the screen porch.  It was an afternoon chat and it was hot and sunny out.  We were on g-hcat but I con’t remember if it was the emoregw addy still or his new StillPJ email we were using.   We started talking and it was easy and amicable.  He  seems to be upbeat and we were probably flirting and talking.  I think I initiated the cam part of the conversation and once we are face to face it is like some kind of surreal dream sequence.    It it quite possible both of us were stoned at the time, but I have taken that factor into consideration  as I processed this. I Know one of of mental stops was, is he stoned?  Let me just get to it.

I see him outside and it is a torso/facial shot. He has the camera on a table and he is sitting in a chair. It is bright and sunny outside but more like late afternoon warm fuzzy sun and he is topless.   He is very scruffy, it is unkempt scruffy. This is an indication of he is the pit of despair or  perhaps we have only recently been talking.   His entire face and demeanor are ashen and dark and sour.   His eyes are what floor me, they are dead. Not dead like I’m a homeless addict and have given up the will to live dead.   His eyes are black dead, void of any shred of  emotion dead. They are cold, dark, dead eyes.  They are calculating, I’ve never seen  him look like this and it scares the crap out of me.  I literally star at the camera wide mouthed while I continue to chat with him.  Now this is an important point.  we were  typing, not talking.   Sometime in June, PJ started moving away from the usual we always cam up and mic up and talk, not type to each other.  Then it  there were excuses as to why this was not possible, Oh B and his wife are staying here, my cousin is staying here for 2 weeks, my sister is staying here.  But he never went back to talking to me, he would just type and withhold his voice from me.   By the end I rarely got to hear it and usually that was just if we were naked, and sometimes not even THEN!!! So he could cam up with me, and we would look at each other and TYPE, not talk.   I really was stupid when it came to him.    So I am watching him and we are still having our conversation.  And it is STILL flirty and talking.  If you were simply reading the text you would think we were  sharing our day.  Now, during this period of time I was not going  into GWP, but he was, and I would often get mad at the gaps in our talks because I assumed he was tabbing back and forth out of chat to talk to me and was getting hung up having more fun in thee than he was out in the real world with me.   I was seriously losing patience with this.  Sure enough as  I am watching he is typing things, but they aren’t to me, and he is kind of smirking and laughing a little.  But then when he types to me his eyes are that dead look. It is like he is so dis-interested in this conversation that he can’t even bring  any  emotion to his eyes when he is having it.   He isn’t looking me in the eyes at all, and he isn’t looking into the camera for someone else because we are cammed up and he isn’t looking into the camera.   Sometimes there are gaps  in the conversation where he is just standing up or fiddling with things in the room, and then he will come back to the chat and type some more.   That day I sat mesmerized and horrified. My mind was racing with thoughts as I sat transfixed just watching it like a show. OMG, he looks awful. He doesn’t even look like himself. It’s like his eyes are dead. Does he know he is even on camera? It’s like he is typing but what he is saying is not what is registering on his face.  Is he stoned?    He looks like he hates you.   He looks evil as hell, OMFG. WTF.   I let the show go on for a while and finally I’d had enough or he had.  One of us ends the conversation.  I sit back in my chair in the home office and mull on it for a bit.  Then I think I filed it under shit we are not going to think about ever again and hoped that took care  of it.  This cam conversation is probably my strongest reason for jumping straight to what kind of a monster are we really dealing with here, when he vanishes.  If my heart ever tries to take a but those eyes trip, I remind it of these eyes.   It is in these eyes that I can see the capacity for the level of evil required to do what he did to me on purpose.

Almost Divorce- Part 4 Make new friends

This series is  published once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

I created my own personal  Reddit Gonewild account.  It would be the first of several that were started, posted on and later nuked into oblivion along with all the posts and pics and sometimes even comments left  attached to that nick.   I start spending way too much time getting good at taking, editing, coming up with a clever title with an “f” in it.  I am posting way more than what would be considered moderation to me now.  It’s fun to play dress up and figure out ways to take pictures of your body that look good. I’m about 25+ pounds larger at this time than I am now. But I’ve been blessed with some good attributes and am generally confident about my body.   I am also good at comment banter and this helps my ratings. These postings are a HUGE ego boost.  They are also a HUGE time suck. This was way before I got lazy and really good at using an iphone to get a decent shot and get it uploaded to Imgur and then r/gonewild within minutes.   I was doing things like setting up the tripod or the web cam and coming up with good shots, and editing them and then managing the comment banter and flood of new PM’s.  I am laughing at myself right now just thinking about the ridiculousness of it all.

It was ridiculous because I was going overboard, getting caught up in it and letting it take over.  The planning and doing and getting karma was fun. Dressing up and feeling sexy is a perfectly healthy expression of my sexuality, whether or not that’s ok to share with others should be up to each couple. There are plenty of reasons why pics of your anonymous little Lola’s on the internet are bad idea, but that ship has sailed for me, so learn from me lovies.    At the time I was really getting a lot out of this emotionally and I grew to become more and more interested in that boost and all of the attention that came with it.  Even while being able to recognize  what was happening. I just didn’t want to stop.   Other things started to happen too.  Stuff we hadn’t counted on or thought about before we started down this path.   I started making friends. There was a ‘fan base” of guys who almost always left at least one comment per post depending on my replies.  I was getting  Reddit PM’s  from guys who didn’t leave a comment but always PM’ed, stories and email addresses and requests for trading pics or more personal G-chatting or video one on one time.   And this time it was still  very honey moon phase and all open between The Husband and I.

2011 by King Features Syndicate, Inc. World Rights Reserved

Each time an opportunity I was interested in would present itself we would discuss it.   That is how we came to agree to a set of boundaries for me. No names, no faces, no real identity items. No one was going to be getting on a plane or falling in love.    I could play when I was  free during the week.   Basically around my work priorities in the alone time I had each day I was in the Home Office, or I could play on the weeknights/weekends he was gone and kids were in bed.   We didn’t know it but we were setting up two lives for me.    The real me with all of life’s commitments including the online items I was adding to my list.  And online world version of  my real life except this place had a sexy time option.  I was given permission to establish a fake email account for the purposes of using it to trade pics or stories  and then to  G-chat or Skype IM.  Eventually chat room private room chat, then  video G-chat or Skype Private cam chat.   As long as I stayed within the boundaries we mutually agreed upon The Husband tells me he is fine with this kind of extra curricular activity.  Because we are keeping it to just sex, not emotions or love.   And in the beginning we are both pretty open about this whole thing and it seems to be solving our issues.  This kind of thing might work well with some people  in some relationships, but myself in my marriage  isn’t one of them.   I have an addictive personality and my Husband is  truly a one woman man who isn’t really open to sharing me , he landed the prize and he wants to keep it all to himself.  But is trying really hard to pretend he is.

It started out about lust.  There is a reason lust is a sin, and that sin in general is also described as unquenchable thirst.  I can now tell you what  feelings of unquenchable  literally all CONSUMING LUST can do to a person.  This surge of hormones and endorphins was the feeling I craved.  I had a solid notion that I tied physical lust to emotional love.   I knew that emotions for someone “new” can be very powerful at first with all the chemistry.  I had also already learned a few times that sex cannot make a man love you.  Just because he wants to have sex with you does not necessarily means he even likes you or wants to do it again. Tucker Max   has publicly confirmed these lessons for ALL of us.

I don’t know why more of us don’t learn this lesson faster.  I don’t know know why more of us can see it happening to everyone else,  but cannot recognize it in ourselves until it is an epic disaster.  Or why even if we do recognize it as the epic disaster it is going to be, consciously choose to ignore this and proceed ahead bravely to the point of stupidity.   I’m not sure but I think we do it because we need love. We don’t just need love we need to FEEL loved and wanted and sexy or safe or whatever your particular button is.   Once your love as a couple is mature there isn’t that hormonal overload and overdrive of ego swooning and  gooshy feelings all running through you morphine drip  style that the thrill of the chase and catch of new love has.   That wears off and goes away to be replaced by things like safety and security and houses in the suburbs with custom drapes on cul-de- sacs crawling with kids.   You have to actually CHOOSE to WORK at loving your partner by providing them with the kind of love they need to feel most loved.   I learned that reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages.  That book saved my reconciliation, no lie.  Those magical moments of I have to have you right now sex don’t just happen on their own anymore. If you  still need or want those moments (And I hope we all still do)   you have to make them and that takes work. I knew this in theory and thought I was doing it already and just needed more.  Oh what a mistake I was making.

More to come next Thursday

Almost Divorce- Part 3 Reddit’s r/gonewild


Welcome to the most read page on this blog.

Let me save you a LOT of time. .

If you’re here for porn only , there isn’t any on this site, thanks for stopping by, enjoy the rest of your day.

Scroll down a few paragraphs if you are just here to find out about Reddit’s r/gonewild, what it is all about, how to post , what you can expect to see etc.

If  you want to know about chat click   here and/or here  and/or here

If you are just trying to find out how to GET to chat.  I believe if you look on the right side of the page on  r/gonewild  front page you will find a link somewhere nearer the bottom than the top that says something like, click here to go to chat.

If you are the least bit interested in the story of how I went to both r/gonewild and  gone wild chat, met a  “Catfish”, and almost destroyed my life,  feel free to go back to the beginning and read the whole thing.  Be careful out there Lovies!



And now on with the original post….

This series is  published once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

The Husband had the idea that we would go to Reddit’s r/gonewild.    He explained it as  a community within a geeks website. Users post pictures of themselves  and other people comment.  Reddit is credible with the geek community and r/gonewild just happens to be one of the many less conservative sub areas.   The pictures are of  men and women of all ages  (above 18)  shapes and sizes and everyone finds beauty in everyone, even the pics where it was hard to find some beauty of popular standards.   Reddit Gonewild (NSFW)  was more about real people porn and the mutual appreciation that human sexuality is complex and infinitely varied.  At the time it seemed safe enough, lots of people enjoy porn in moderate fashion and we would be enjoying it together, which was new.   He wanted to keep me home and find a way to meet my increased sexual needs in a safe way for our marriage.   The Husband is a pleaser by nature and back then to excess of his own personal comfort level.    He had always been an amazing husband with my emotional needs   He wanted me to be happy and he had been letting me do whatever I wanted for as long as I’d known him, and I had become selfish and careless with this.   I liked that he was going to be involved and that I wouldn’t have to cheat to get what I needed.   It seemed like the perfect compromise.   We agreed we would go for it.

Neither one of us had ANY clue what those pics would unlock or where they would take us. We had no idea the horrible things to each other we would both do.  Had no idea what hell we would put ourselves and our children through and no idea how this was going to end.  This was the start of a very dark time in my marriage, the only dark time it has seen really, this was a dark time in my personal actions and a dark time in the emotional issues I would battle and the addictions I would  acquire and leave behind.  Reddit Gonewild (NSFW) is not known as a hook-up site.  Tho I have personally witnessed multiple long-term couples born from the environment.    I’m going to tell you my story about what I did and what happened to me. This is not an expose.   I am not an expert on this site or its inner workings, these are just my personal observations as they meant to me while there.   It is my heart’s subjective and mind’s hind sight colored memories and perspective.  THERE: Have I said it enough?  OK let’s proceed.

The Husband  sets up an account.  We  had some fun taking some pictures  and he posted the pics.   These are the first of many pics posted of my parts on the internet.   Yep, There may still be now in spite of my removal efforts,  pics of younger bigger me and my parts on the internet.   I have great parts and we also learn to take flattering pics. They are well received, dudes like my parts. I like dudes liking my parts.  This boosts my ego tremendously.   This infuses my marriage once again  with lust and passion.   This plan is awesome and everyone seems to be winning.  But we sure aren’t telling anybody about it, it’s mostly our little secret.  Which means only 1-2 of my besties even know anything is wrong or needing to be fixed.   So we take some more pics.    I’m enjoying all of this amazing ego boosting these compliments are giving me and this place  is  a quick super easy dose of emotional feel good crack. It’s like constantly feeling you are hot, no KNOWING you are hot.  This confidence spills into all areas of your life.  But  like any great drug, it gets more difficult to recreate on demand, you begin to need more or need it more often.

A few days pass…

I created my account because I wanted control of  my pics and when I could do them, how I could do them, what I would wear etc.. I basically became my camera person but the Husband would often still assist if asked.  I would share with him whenever I put a new post up and he could see it and what others were saying about it.  Though I could already tell he was growing tired of how often I wanted to take and post pictures.  He wasn’t  jealous of the attention I was getting at this point,  just of my growing need and want to do them.

Now before I go any further I need to tell you how it works.  Pretty quickly we are moving to  Gonewild  chat rooms  and GW pics still go on during the chat era.    GW pics and how well ranked they are is  currency in chat world.  Chat social status can assist greatly with the popularity of your GW pics.    I wasn’t going to live a fantasy life and not play to the best of my ability.


Posting to Reddit Gonewild: NSFW means NOT SAFE FOR WORK, these are largely breast, penis, and vagina pics. Lots of some version of posed full body or story like albums and most of them don’t show a face, but many do. Some are more tame and some are not. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list.  Someone  could write a Phd paper on this whole  journey from a social studies perspective.    Even while living it I found this world and all of its  social, relationship, sexual rules and scenarios   simply fascinating.   In some ways it’s like utopia, until reality comes in and fucks it all up.

  1. Submitters to gone wild are supposed to only post pics of themselves, if they are posting of others they MUST have their permission
  2. You must be  18 to access the site to either view or post, you prove this by clicking an I’m 18 button
  3. Submitters are usually using a “throwaway” account and have one if not multiple other Reddit user accounts for the “legit” stuff. I never bothered to create a non GW Reddit account. Anonymity is the norm around here.
  4. Submitters are required, and the site is moderated and has posted rules,  to put a tag (f), (m), (mf), (cd) etc.. in the title of your submission to properly alert the site viewers of what they will be seeing if they choose to click
  5. As with all Reddit posts, there is an option to either up vote or down vote the post itself and any comments left on the post to indicate your feelings of approval or disapproval.  These up and down votes are then put through some complicated algorithm and given to the poster or commenter as karma.
  6. Said karma is listed on each users profile page, indicating how popular, sexy, whatever their posts are
  7. The upvotes cause the submission to either climb or fall along the pages, another algorithm ranks the posts and puts them in order.   The best place to be is of course, the front page for as long as humanly possible while gaining more and more upvotes or Karma.  Since it is partially based I  “think” on original karmic status , post trending and post age, everyone  starts out lower, then climbs a little , then stays on top as long as possible if lucky, then falls off into oblivion as newer posts are put up.
  8. All of these posts (that are not deleted by the user shortly after, which happens a lot)  stay on the site, so you can look at things like top posts of all time, last month, last week etc.
  9. The karma on some of these single posts climbs upwards of 1000, which actually  = more than 1000 up votes, because bots and trolls down vote the posts causing said karma ranking.
  10. You can also find ALL of a users submissions and any comments they have ever made anything on Reddit. You can friend and follow them.
  11. When a user gets a comment  reply to his/her comment, or a private message they get what is called an orangered, aka, the little mail icon lights up orange red to indicate you have some comment reply or message.
  12. Karma and orangereds were of value to  me, I liked getting and seeing both
  13. GW comments are OFTEN used as a place to flirt more and flirt back, it is a sex site after all.  And remember, comments can be upvoted and gain karma so some people  are really clever or good at commenting. They try to be funny, or suave, or overtly  flirty. And often the submitter flirts back and eggs this on.  I  used to love this game. Bantering back and forth is one of my strengths and here in fantasy land I’m very very good at it.
  14. You can also  send email like private messages back and forth between users accounts. This would later prove to be the beginning of my undoing.
  15. There is also the variable of does the Significant Other SO know about the submitters activities, and also are they also in GW.  This variable also applies to chat.

More next Thursday