Almost Divorce- Part 11 GW Relationships

This series is  published once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

OK lovies, enough dicking around. Let’s get to the good stuff. I’m pretty sure the haters and faint of heart have bailed by now, so let’s get to business.    I’ve FULLY embraced this story in all its glory in the last week.   I guess all that bullshit about writing being cathartic is  showing to be partially true.   The timing of this one is funny, because last week on Wednesday night I had a Reddit meet up with Panda.  And on Thursday morning the post about  Reddit meet ups hit. Ah serendipity sometimes is nice.  And um yes this does mean I logged in at 10:21pm EST the night before this is due at 7am ( decided to publish early)  to write and edit. And found a whopping one paragraph waiting for me.   It’s all good though, I’m super stoked to write this one, even if I have to do it until 1am. So without further ado, let’s hit this.  Just remember all my warnings and caveats when we started this with Part 3. And repeated again in Part 7.

Side note: I bet you didn’t know that Part 3 Reddit R/Gonewild is the most read post on  this blog.  It gets hit almost daily, once they figure out there are no pics of my nipples here (sorry sweet boys they are retired) they usually leave.   Some stay and read and that is awesome. Thanks for sticking around lovies,  nice to meet you.

If there was ONLY ONE thing I could tell you about GW relationships,  well hang on a minute and I’ll go dig up what I told the Big Guy in his letter of apology… one moment please…ahh here we go. With my  apologies to the Big Guy,  but they are my words and pretty darn good ones.

GW is a falsifier of intimacy; it is a pressure cooker of “relationships”. It starts out about sex and feeling good and then it becomes harder and harder to maintain that level of excitement without ratcheting up the stakes. It becomes harder to get that melty, gooshy, all consuming desire for someone without being able to feed it physically. That kind of play and contact is a drug that can leave you feeling very empty and also push you to want more more more from whoever throws a nipple and a smile and a Skype addy your way. It creates emotions that cannot be maintained and may not be real. The need for that ego boost, the feelings of being loved and wanted and appreciated and that amazing post orgasm euphoria after coming together. It’s simply not sustainable. In GW it flames up quickly, burns white hot, then seems to enter into some sort of law of diminishing returns that becomes harder and harder to satisfy. It was you who looked at me one early day in chat and declared to the world in the chat roll…“You are a drug and I am addicted”.  I don’t think there is a way I could sum up my feelings on this subject in a more clear or concise manner.   That letter of apology was something like 3000 words.  To provide some perspective most of these posts are about 1,000 words and I never planned a life with  the Big Guy or faked my identity.

While my itunes randomly plays John Mayer Edge of Desire…here you can enjoy it too…

The very first interaction I ever had with anyone was always complimentary or flirty or sexy or all three.   It is a  porn and sex site and chat.   I was there to feel good and make others feel good.  The openness is implicit in your mere presence.    Getting hit on to go private was an hourly or sometime more occurrence.  If I wanted that kind of action I could have it anytime I wanted.  But really I had the most fun talking and bantering and flirting with guys.  Those of you that know me physically  have seen this happen, it works just like that only it’s on a computer.       I established rapport with a lot of the guys who were in chat regularity at the same times I was.   Which would sometimes, but not always because I had just friends guys in there too,  turn into hey would you like to watch/play, like fap buddy.     In a few cases that would you like to watch/play turned into  me only playing with a certain guy exclusively for weeks and weeks  at a time before  fading back down to something between nothing and friendship.

Think of it kind of like an online bar/party/ where your hook up probability skyrockets.   Some guys are one thing stands,  some guys  become fuck buddies, some guys you date.  In some rare cases some guy becomes your boyfriend or husband .   GW hooking up basically follows the same kind of relationship path within the one night, fuck buddy, date scope.   Just think random fappage boys,  somewhat regular play date boys who stick to business,  and regularly scheduled play date boys who you also hang out with via chatting or emailing all the time.  I had guys in all of these categories that didn’t fall into the trap I  mention above in my apology excerpt.    There are just a lot of things in play with someones heart and soul.  You just never know who will move it and why or where you will find them. You never know when you will make an emotional connection with someone and where that might take you, regardless of where you  may have planned on going.  It was the regularly scheduled play date boys who you also hang out with via chatting or emailing all the time that caused the ripples and problems in my already cracking marriage.  I think The Husband might have been all right if everything had stayed at random fappage or boys who stick to business.    I think we both know that was never going to actually happen.

So what was going on in my marriage  during all this time?   We started marriage counseling and the guys was just awful.  He completely ignored the whole online, and all of its problems for me, for the acrid point that what I really wanted was The Husband to step up and be a man, to grow up, to get some balls and  put his foot down.  To take the respect he should be given.   Of course I had a lot to learn too, but at this point I don’t think I was ready for any of that.    I was living this weird marriage where he was horribly violating my privacy and often mad at me for some  GW infraction or another, yet bought me a nicer, better web camera for my birthday.  Really,  he did that.  It’s the one I used for the entirety of chat round 2.   Things went one and on this way for 6 months with multitudes of boys and the fights they would cause. But it wasn’t like we fought constantly about it.  It was more like there would be a  period of calm and oh maybe it will be ok, and a period of fighting about a blip that wasn’t ok.   When I met PJ we were in a period of calm. In fact I think we had even backed down the marriage counseling to every other week or monthly.   Really we thought we had it all worked out and could manage to keep it together on our own.   Well I did anyway, in my mind everything was going to work out  ok with us, this was just a phase we were going through and eventually it would settle out and we could keep going on.

And then I met PJ.

I’ll tell you about that next Thursday.

Girls of Summer: Get your girl power on

I’m super stoked to have my summer 2011 play list for driving all worked out.  Last Spring  I experienced a reawakening of my  voracious appetite for new music.    It was  a shared interest that PJ and I discovered very early on and is one of the reasons I felt so close to him.  He began to “song me” ;  shoot me links to songs that were supposedly things he wanted to say to me or thought about me or whatever, a wooing mechanism if you will.  And it worked very well for him.  Except for that one time he sent Something Corporate’s Konstantine with the comment of  “this ought to keep you busy for awhile”.   This was proliferated by the add-ons to Google and Skype that can show what song you are listening to via your status.  When we were in periods of trying to stay away from each other each of us would often still show whatever it was they were listening to and it would be implied it was meant for the other one to see and understand.  It was sort of a not so secret code of communicating our feelings when we were not supposed to be communicating directly with each other.    That and being under the same sky, but that is all coming later in the Almost Divorce Story.

Music has always had a powerful hold on me.  The husband also wooed me with music, and poetry actually. But then we had kids and I  became one of those moms who loves kids music.   I loved kids because it was  the only I was going to be listening to for almost 6  solid years and if I didn’t find a way to choose to love it then I’d lose my damn mind.   So we looked for kids music we could tolerate.    That doesn’t mean I didn’t have to put up with Dora, and Barney, and Wiggles etc. It just means we found a way to get off of that as soon as humanly possible.  We found Laurie Berkner before she was on Nickelodeon,  Brady Rymer,  Ralph’s World, Trout Fishing In America, and Justin Roberts.   And we scoured our own personal collections for music that might pass as family friendly-ish.  It started with Cake when they were  really little.   Especially in my car, because I do not have TV or satellite radio in the Lexus.   The kids have to ride with the sun roof open and windows usually down and my  iTunes.  Listening t o music while driving is my number one hands down favorite hobby and has been since I blasted the portable tape deck in my Dad’s 1978 Ford LTD because he only had the AMJAMS.   The only better than driving and listening to music is being driven while listening to music.   Especially close to my heart is the music from the summers where I remember not only the summer, but also the music that got me through it.    Last summer was very much a playlist full of boys.  New PJ provided artists mixing with my  very eclectic top rated playlist.    If I didn’t just choose a specific artist to listen to, and that summer I often did,  I would just treat the iTunes like a Magic 8 Ball for my emotions.  Whatever iTunes decided to play I would let that guide my thoughts and mood while enjoying those long drives back and forth to work or BGC Meetings.   The girls were there too in the form of Paramore and Evanescence, but overall the boys and their songs of emotional battles won and lost.

Something Corporate and Incubus.  Almost everything from both  Noah and The Whale Albums.  Most of John Mayer Battle Studies.   At the end there was Alkaline Trio’s This Addiction and everything else  AK3 I could get my hands on before landing on the penultimate  “Radio”  . Think C-lo Green’s Forget You with electrocution,  it’s a happy f-off and die song, and still one my favorites.     Dashboard Confessional, Damien Rice, Keith Urban, 30 Seconds to Mars,  and Breaking Benjamin . There was Jimmy Eat World almost the entire  Bleed American Deluxe and later in the fall Invented  and by winter almost the entire discography.   As time progressed my appetite for new music didn’t change.  I’m  collecting more new music than I can remember to  listen to  these days.

Right now I’m stuck on the girls of Summer!   It all started with Rhianna.  I made my way through most of her collection and pulled out everything that spoke to me, 26 songs.   Avril  Lavigne’s Goodbye Lullaby album yielded another 12 on it’s own.  Then it hit me; this is the summer for girl power .   Beyonce’s 4 gave me  13 more;  Brittney’s Femme Fatale(Deluxe Edition)  and the Drakos mash-up version gave me another 26.  Can’t forget newcomer Nicki Minaj in this so she gave me 22 more.    In total I have 108 songs or  7 hours of rocking  total girl songs that cover everything from loving yourself to hating him and all things in between.   Just for fun I threw a few Chris Brown F.A.M.E  songs in there.  While he cries on about wanting it All Back and She Ain’t  You, knows he Should’ve Kissed You and wants to be Next 2 You.   I’ll be cruising in the Lexus with the sun roof open and the windows down, sunglasses on and  hair all over the place.   Singing my heart out and smiling in the knowledge that  101 of 108 songs of the time, the  Girls of Summer will be  telling regretful Chris Brown to suck it!