This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
I progressed through the summer in this surreal dance of becoming myself again. Around me was a whirlwind of holding on, spinning and weaving as I tried to find that centered path to somewhere worthwhile.
Side bar: Seeing my old stick figures actually has me thinking I may draw this one. Just consider me your special friend who draws like a 4 year old. Don’t laugh so when I start my Dancing with the Stars is the pinnacle of my fame world dominance in motion with a self-published .99 cent e-book of a collection of drawings I don’t have to hate you! And for the record starting world dominance with a 99 cent e-book wasn’t even MY idea, I totally stole it from People I want to punch in the throat’s blog. Her posts about the Duggar’s and the Elf on the Shelf are awesome. Just think of what DWTS would do for my new year goal of a tighter ass and leaner legs. I didn’t have 8 asian kids with a pudgy spineless loser or get a TLC sponsored tummy tuck, but I have personality! My little curly haired stick figured girl could be famous some….nah really the drawing is just kind of cool to do during and see later. Plus, who doesn’t like to draw? Which is another conundrum, because how is an artist a sociopath? Don’t you need to feel to be any good at art? I’ll admit I never saw anything he ever created, I think that is interesting considering most artists love to show their work. In his defense I never once asked.
The whirlwhinds around me were The Husband holding on, Match.com spinning, PJM weaving. All around me was chaos, even my own personal path was rocky. I was a divorcing single mother. My emotions were all over the place and I had no lasting way to control it. I was learning to identify issue driven behavior, observe when I was doing it, live with the uncomfortable feelings that drove me to do it while simultaneously NOT doing it for as long as I could, observing my choices in behavior and observe the reactions from others and inside myself after making a choice, use that data to learn and modify my behavior, rinse, repeat, repeat repeat until the range of behaviors and emotions surrounding whatever “it” was started to pull in from the sides of dichotomy and form a new tighter range. This new tighter range would then be lived in for a while, and the process of observance, living with the yucky feelings while trying to work through what changes in MY behavior could lead to changes in my FEELINGS about my behavior and therefore, about myself as a person. That is the best way I can describe what working on yourself feels like while you are doing it. You are in your own world because your brain is over engaged on observing and molding you, while trying to keep the beast of your emotions at bay long enough to let the positive changes stick and the lessons settle in. It sucks, those feelings are awful, the failures are frustrating but the victories, how ever small at the time are the fuel that kept me moving along that path. It was through working on myself and finding an excellent therapist in Tab that I learned that I could create another place in my world, a bubble I could step into that refused to allow the chaos inside of it. That place is where I could step and choose to work on me, not control the events going on outside of me. It was the place where I could mold my behavior, pick my battles. It was inside that bubble that I was finding my grey. I don’t think we have a line inside of us that we do or don’t cross. I used to think life was like that but I have learned that it isn’t. There is no black and white, there are only shades of grey. In order to be able to love myself I had to define my grey, sometimes I stumbled through that badly but this was when I was first learning to actually do it. I don’t know that I think of my soul or personality as a morphing bubble but for point illustration purposes it seems to work. It was in creating that bubble that I was able to learn that I could choose when to step out into the chaos and how to deal with it when I did. who or what was allowed into the bubble with me. God was in that bubble and He had been waiting for me. I will get to more of that later. For now let’s talk about the forces of chaos holding onto my heart between two lungs. I just love Florence and The Machine.
The Husband Holding On:
The Husband was still holding on. We were still having sex, going on dates. He was still choosing to start fights about PJ and was still occasionally pushing me on why it couldn’t work between us. The thing was, I was no longer in love with my husband. I hand’t been in some time, that is part of what got us to this place. I could remember a time when I was falling in love with him. I was still critically questioning if I’d settled while that was happening. But we had 12 years of being a couple under us. We had been together in a time spans almost as large as the age gap between PJ and I. We had two children who were unwilling victims in this. We built a life together and it was full of promises we made to each other. I honestly didn’t know if I could ever fall in love with him again. This was a question I asked myself often, I am a PM, Risk Mitigation is part of my job. I would ask myself, If I end up without PJ, am I going to want him back? Each time I pondered this question I could never imagine a place where my Sweet Babu and I were ever going to be able to be ok for long. I could see an initial reconciliation poisoned by the pain and issues of trust and forgiveness. I could see bitter, hateful people married to each other feeling trapped because there is no way we could do this to the kids twice. Even though we went on to reconcile and have remained together our reconciliation process had hints of those things. Amazingly by the grace of GOD we work through them to land where we are today. But when PJ was accusing me of using him to fill a hole left b y The Husband I did not agree, because I honestly felt that there was no hole left by The Husband. I still feel like The Husband won’t let go and that he doesn’t have my heart. I’m more eager about option C- none of the above than choosing between he and PJ. I hadn’t started to mourn the almost divorce yet. That hits in early August and my little 4 year old Destroyer sets it off. The Husband was the thing trying to hold me back from moving forward. He was blocking my escape.
The Match.com dudes were culled into two categories, young and old. There were very few my age that even remotely interested me.
Hints for Dudes on Match.com and some for girls too….
- If you put a picture of yourself on a dating site please do yourself and everyone else a favor and put a face and full body recent picture, not something from college. This will allow you to not look like an insecure douche bag and will probably get you more dates. I am not a skinny girl, so I made sure that the whole package was displayed, take it or leave it dude I have plenty to keep me busy. You should love yourself to put who you really are on display, you only want those who are attracted to the real you right?
- This does not mean unpack all your crazy on the phone before you ask me out on a date.
- Most girls prefer to actually meet you in person prior to receiving a picture of your privates, no matter how fabulous you think they are.
- Every girl know that ” No one has ever complained” is code for my dick is small, because dudes with large penis know they have them so you know you have a small one. We really don’t care how big it is, sure all girls have preferences but the most important thing is that you can get it hard to something other than porn and last longer than the time it takes for Chasey to do her thing. We aren’t Chasey, slow the fuck down and enjoy it for a minute. No one likes to fuck a rabid monkey.
- No you cannot stay at her house after the first date because it will be late and you work early and you live “so far away”. You should probably not ask her this before the date actually occurs, or it won’t happen.
- We know what kind of guy you are by the bars you tell us you frequent. So don’t try to tell us you are looking for an eventual relationship when we can see the only bar you go to is MILF town. Just say, I’m into fucking MILF’s and I’d like to fuck you.
- The truth with the right girl will get you so much more than lies with the wrong girl.
I was lucky enough to make one actual friend. A guy a little bit older than me that as it turns out also had some online experiences to share. Though we have not been nor do not go to the same online circles. Dr. Kink and I went go carting for our first meet up and then occasionally out to do stuff. Mostly we have come over and play cards time while we talk about whatever drama I am currently experiencing and he tells me about all of the adventures going on in his life. We became pretty good friends. I had to stop talking to him last Spring after the chat round 2. The husband requested I cull my male friends list, he provided a few suggestions that were not negotiable and he was one of the victims. I also had Sunshine and VinD as platonic friends and they were both doing their part to teach me what kind of man I should be seeking. The other boys were simply spinning devices. There to take up time and energy, but not really going anywhere on either side. One I spend a lot of time sexting with, and even sample the grass and move into phone sexing him. I do the phone sex thing simply to purge my memories of shouting out PJ’s name while recording it, with new memories. I’ve often subscribed to the quickest way over someone is under someone else theory. I didn’t say it was a good solution, but it is one I was used to. The thing about match.com is it is a lot of work. Keeping up with it is a huge time suck and there are a lot of weirdo’s out there. One of my final match boys teaches me some more about what boys are really thinking when they choose not to call. Turns out they just don’t’ want to call, they assume you know this by their act of not calling you. The silence is the message. He tells me this while he is talking about another girl he met once, but I know what to think later when the replies stop. It is easy to take note and move along because a- he already honestly spelled out for me what it means when he doesn’t call b- having sex with that dude was like being fucked by a rabid monkey. I was so ready to go to bed alone when that was over. The last match.com guy is a borderline psycho. I never let him get past g-chatting me and sending me some pics. As August approaches I am winding even that down. I think it is probably best to quit dating for a while as the divorce gets finalized and then figure out what to do. I do not wind down match.com in PJ’s mind though. I make sure to keep the idea of other guys working their way into my life very fresh. I regret that game a little bit. I was more hinting than lying and even though we now know he was lying the entire time, I’d still like my Karma to be a little cleaner in that arena. These diversions were little or large spinning forces, just sort of buffering me about as I fought to learn to be able to engage them in healthy manners. It was within those experiences that I was able to find those uncomfortable feelings I needed to work on and give new behaviors a shot. I was so very bad at it in the beginning too. But between staying in the fray and talking more and more with Sunshine I got better and better. The match.com boys were fun and funny, but they kept my focus scattered. Thanks Match.com dudes! It was a fun couple of months.
Lastly there is the weaving of PJ. The way we climbed this last hill. I refused to run to it, so he lured me slowly. He worked for it, took his time saying all of the right things. He dug the hole of his identity deeper. He attached himself further to me. I allowed myself hope, I willingly went along for the ride. I had my doubts, but a very large part of me still wanted to be there. I was just getting healthier and smarter and closer to me. Instead of running from PJ and the pit of despair, I was always running back to it, looking around, opening it up, peeking inside, shouting Hello in there? Pj? Are you going to come out yet?. I don’t what the hell is is about that boy but something would not let me let him go. Instead I just wove around like little Billy in Family Circus when he is supposed to just go get the mail and instead he is all over the hood. Even as I was pulling away from him I was investing more emotion in wanting to know who he really was. In my mind all of the things that came with the identity were real and the details would be validated once we were actually around each other. PJ once told me “something always brings me back to you” and ” we have something we just have to figure it out“. I could say he was pulling me through his little mind fuck, but that would not be 100% of the truth. I was letting him, but I was tired of how it made me feel.
Getting to that somewhere worthwhile involved letting go of PJ and running toward whatever was going to happen instead. Apparently I was just about to queue that up.
More to come soon Lovies.
It’s Friday night and I’ve consumed a half a bottle of Riesling after a VERY long week at work. Hell Yeah all my friends reading this are cheering, Lola is about to be on a roll. Plus I’m listening to Too Short’s discography. In spite of my exhaustion I can’t help but smile and shake my ass to his creepy sexist misogynistic beautiful mind. I mean really, it is hard to be mad at anything with so much talk of ho’s, bitches, ass ( in general I am assuming), and his dick.
Tangent..going there……..The really funny thing is I can’t listen to Too Short without thinking of my college boyfriend. Who was the absolute sweetest guy I ever met until The Husband. And who coincidentally I left for a guy that has the same first name as PJ. Who also broke my heart, but in his defense I was not the …graceful mature woman … I am today. Tangent done…
I could of totally used a girls night out tonight, if I could of managed to get dressed for one. So instead let’s just pretend we are having Girls Night and I’m telling you my big news about my week. But first I must bitch and moan about how stressful and wonderful it was.
I haven’t run in almost 2 weeks, other than a quick to the stop sign and back, so nobody has to die today run with The Husband yesterday. I’m wearing clothes I’ve had on for two days and in the case of the monkey top 2 nights…and I’ve been Commando! Before I took a shower last night after the so no one will die run, I had day FOUR curls. They had been getting curlier, and tighter, and silkier and more wild with every day since SUNDAY! I was ready to scratch my head off lovies! No seriously, I literally as in with NO (well ok minimal) screwing around) worked almost 50 hours this week. Including THREE straight days of ten hours at the office.
On Wednesday night I stayed up way late and got up way early to take my Reddit friend Panda to the bus station. As in at the bus station at 4:30 in the morning. The bus station is downtown and I live in a suburb about ohhhh 15-25 miles away. Yes I could Google it but it’s not the fucking point. The point is it was my 2nd Reddit meet up, after BookBitch who I dearly love because of her intense gift for the dialect of sarcasm and blunt. She speaks BGP well is all I’m saying. Panda and I didn’t even know each other very well but I saw on G+ that she was going to have an overnight layover in our downtown bus station. She is 23, we have 5 bedrooms, I can get up really early one day this week and take her to the bus terminal out of it being the right thing to do. So she met me at my 30th hour of work on WEDNESDAY night and I brought her home, fed her (The Husband fed us both) , hung out (taught her Tonk and the 3 of us talked shit all night) and bonded with her, got up at the crack of..it was fucking night bitches…and sent her on her way. Then I finished the other 20 hours of my work week.
Which went something like this……
Monday: Hey this being productive thing is awesome I am almost caught up on project #1. This whole They used to call me Bulldog and then I lost my bite ( because I got too nice and b/c of the AD) and now it is most definitely back, but hasn’t had a real crisis to shine in yet.
Tuesday: Hey this being productive thing is great I am almost caught up on email (570 of them) and projects 2-4. Oh wait I forgot to mention that one of my best resources is on PTO, and I’m covering her just a few small seemingly simple follow up tasks. Everything is under control here people, move along. Tuesday afternoon things start to….crumple slightly.
Wednesday: Hey I am a little tired but I am almost……Oh holy shit storm of fire drill caused by mis(not)communication of deadlines that are supposedly ?TODAY? and involve ALL of the seemingly simple follow up tasks I was “covering” for my resource. My resource is the expert on these things. I am just the PM. I firmly believe that if you don’t hate the PM just a tiny bit when you have to work on their project then they are not a good PM. It is my job to make sure things get done when we have all agreed ( as in COMMUNICATION) they should and must ( we were at must apparently) to be. It is my job to sometimes push, and fight and lobby, and negotiate and sometimes flat out pull the my projects are kind of a big deal (of more than handful of big deals) around here card and throw my weight around, all while trying to convince everyone that it is all going to be just fine and dandy soon. While wearing the BGP and owning my end and trying not push anybody over the edge.
Thursday: More of the same only I am also dealing with critical issues for project number 3
Friday: I almost break, but manage to step back and take some control of the vendor. Things start to settle into place and maybe even start to look up and promising for next week. But I am too physically and mentally exhausted to do anything but lay on the couch until The Husband serves dinner. I’m still pissed I missed my 3rd rescheduled lunch with VinD and now have to wait two more weeks.
After dinner we watch The Hobbit as a family, why is it such a sausagefest, and Hubby and I share a bottle of Riesling. Which lands us here.
How was your week lovies? I think I might sleep on and have snuggle time before enjoying a nice long run… shhh it’s my pipe dream and I’m entitled to it!
This series is published once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A note about trolls and creepers
GW is the internet, therefore the cesspool of humanity is more on display here than say your local Target. And it is also the sexy side of the internet, which ratchets the cesspool and creepy potential up way up. BUT…This is Reddit not 4CHAN or Chatroulette or whatever else so this takes the class level up a few more notches. There are many intelligent people here and more than a few absolute idiots. The good news is the idiots are somewhat avoidable and ignorable and don’t usually last long. Kind of like real life except on the internet you can momentarily escape them, tho new ones will always come.
Super idiots are the trolls. There are trolls everywhere on the internet , including Reddit. Dudes ( or maybe girls, but I doubt it often) saying very rude, negative or inflammatory things that are either really mean or make no sense. This is not to be confused with trolling somebody or say a chat room, for fun. Trolling is more pretending to troll to give shit to a friend. Or pretending to troll to be a dick in one room while another room knows what is really going on. Basically all the ways that exist to be a mild to a giant asshole to your friends or total strangers using your voice, eyes and ears in real life also exist online.
True trolls are the sociopaths of the internet. They are fucking with you only for the enjoyment it brings them. The more upset, outraged, emotional you become, the more they enjoy it. They should not be fed or watered in any way. Simply ignore them, period. To give them any attention is only going to give them joy. DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS.
Creepers are people who are only voyeurs, not exhibitionists. They don’t go on cam, ever. And they don’t want anyone knowing who they are or what they do. Some people see the lurkers in chat as creepers. My opinion is that all creepers are lurkers, but not all lurkers are creepy. However, on the creepy scale lurkers are the most creepy chat visitors. Simply because they could be anyone there for any nefarious reason. This is not to be confused with creeping, actual admitted and or pretend for fun being a lurker/creeper in a room. I’ll explain this whole thing later when we talk about chat. It’s slightly more complicated than trolling because trolling is usually in good fun, and creeping can be well, actually creepy.
Like PJ telling me he had a creeper name and had talked to be without me knowing it was him using it….and then never told me what it was or what we talked about. Unless he was referring to the day we met, where he fapped on cam under an alias and then told me right after it was him. Which I think I asked about and he told me no it was another different name. Which makes him more than a little creepy given the hind sight. Well that and the multiple jokes he made to me about pits and chloroform while playing the PJ is pretending to be creepy game. YES, there were multiple jokes made by him about pits and chloroform. And even one conversation where I flat out tell him he would not be able to kill me even if he did put me in his pit because he adores me too much, that conversation came very late in the game. Oh and by the way did I mention he owns a hand gun and a permit to carry it and goes to the shooting range for practice. What you ask? No I did not feel safe for many many nights after he vanished. I mostly felt horribly violated and exceedingly shocked and sad. CREEPY!!!!!!! If you find yourself still compelled to go online and find a swell gal or guy like this one for your own don’t say I didn’t warn you that they are out there. And some of them are pretty!!
And now onto Part 6 GWP
In the middle of AJ, I start to form sort of an online stable of GW (blanket term to describe all online stuff during this time) guys. This does not speak to the % of guys who hit on me that I either ignore for no particular reason or reply with a simple and genuine “Thank you I’m flattered sweet boy”. Or the % of guys who hit on me who I feel are too young. I’m not saying I wasn’t flattered by their attention. I like men, younger men with Greek god like bodies it’s noted, but not little boys.
As I’m working on phasing AJ out of the stable and into the GW friend zone, something wonderful and horrible happens. I get an orangered that I’ve been invited to a members only gonewild subreddit, GWP (not its real subreddit name). It’s a more civilized space. Instead of the 2-10k at the time on r/gonewild (it’s up to like 50k now) that might be looking at your bits it was a MUCH smaller more intimate group. It was like being invited to the cooler kids club. In GWP there are hardly ever trolls. They are not invited or kicked quickly. Pics here are often of bodies and faces often there are couples pics. This is more like sharing yourself with your peers and there is lots of room for actual conversations. Lurkers and creepers are more OK here because they made it to the room in the first place.
The first thing I do is check the place out to see who is posting and commenting. I recognize a couple of user names but not many. None of the guys I play with are in here, so it’s kind of a secret hide-out for me as well. It just feels safer to me, and I love that feeling of a safe place to hide inside this online world. It’s not really a secret, but its not publicized either. It is no different than any large community that forms sub groups of like minded people. Do you invite all the people you run into at the Starbucks every morning out to dinner and drinks with you? No you invite those whose company you enjoy.
And they have a password protected private CHAT ROOM!!!!! So when I say GWP I’m thinking both the Reddit and the chat, they are basically combined in my mind. The subreddit acts like a kind of ante room to chat. A place for pics and also conversation posts. Topics for the group to consider, results of the nipple photo identification contest etc.. I met more than a few people I’d be proud to call friend and a handful that I already do. GWP was my respite from all the chaos and drama of managing the rest of my GW online life. In my online world this is where my online besties, both girls and boys dwelled. I preferred not having any of my pets in GWP, but this wasn’t always the case. Someone else invited PJ and I was not happy when I logged in one day to see his adorable face in the GWP room, obviously I got over it. I preferred to keep my stress free room stress free, and all the public drama in public. But there were other GW couples in GWP besides us so I adapted. If anything this bonded us “together” online more. GWP is pretty awesome and mostly devoid of drama. Humans are still involved so there is some to be found or made if you are into that sort of thing. I am not into drama but that doesn’t mean I didn’t get ensnared in some.
This time period is fuzzy for me. Everything sort of happened pretty quickly all at once over the course of a few short weeks. It seemed like I had just put a pic on Reddit for the first time and then the next thing I knew I was in two subreddits, managing being social or sexy in up to two chat rooms, and managing email and pics and chatting and camming. And I may or may not be in lurker mode as well. Sometimes I was doing almost all of this in one space of time. Or thinking about it while while say cooking dinner, or at work or putting the kids to bed. I can’t remember if I was one-on-one camming before I went to chat or if going to chat and getting on cam bore one-on-one camming. I didn’t start this process with a web cam and a sexy t-shirt all ready to go. We were just going to post some pics on GW remember.
Actually one-on-one camming I first cammed with JJ with, not AJ. As I recall logistics were difficult for AJ to be able to be on a cam. Not that it stopped us mind you. Men and women with a single purpose are not often derailed by obstacles. I had been emailing and g-chatting with both of them plus others, and JJ was my first one-on-one cam session. I also can’t remember if I had been to public chat before I got invited to GWP. I think I got the cam for use with JJ, used it also with AJ and around that same time got invited to GWP, who had private chat, which then led me to find out about public chat. There are people who could help me work these details out, but I am not going there.
Even though I wasn’t usually allowed to play when hubby was home I could still go onto Reddit and chat in the evenings and weekends while we were in the home office. He would be playing video games or also surfing the internet. Once I started going into chat he’d be sitting in the office at his desk right next to me, often in partial view on cam. I was moving deeper into an online world that was eating up more of my real life time.
More to come next Thursday