Happy Tuesday Lovies. I’m headed to a seminar for work so I have an entire almost hourish to bang this out this morning before I head out to a fun day of hearing how much bigger the 4 year project at work I’ve been Program Managing is than we think it is. Hope your weekend was fabulous and this week is bringing great things in spite of the crappy cold dark grey rainy weather we are currently enjoying here in the midwest. I often get asked what it is I do for a living. I work full time, as in 45+hours as week. I just am lucky enough to be able to do a lot of it from home. This makes my schedule flexible and also allows me to stay in touch with my stay at home friends. I am a project manager and I LOVE it!
#27: Project Management ala Arthur Christmas
I am thankful for project management today. I wish I knew PM existed when I was in college, I would of most certainly majored in it. Never has there been a career more suited to the strengths of my personality than a PM. I still remembering discovering this wonderful thing existed and entire industries revolved around it. If you have seen Arthur Christmas in the first scene when they do the first Christmas drop and all the ninja elves are moving in precision for their individual tasks. Steve, Santa’s eldest son, is managing the command center. They report back to him and he makes adjustments accordingly. Steve, is Project Managing that mission. His Project is delivery of all the toys to all the girls and boys. The elves know what they are supposed to do and are the experts at their individual jobs. But they rely on Steve to place some structure around the whole thing. He provides the organization, monitoring and control. If you added heading the planning of the entire project and various other negotiating, deflecting, and defusing tasks you would have the makings of my job. I perform these tasks inside the pressure cooker of a large organization in an industry where the Government not only shows up for regular audits at all 14 facilities, but also quite often dictates what work we will be doing and when we will finish…or else. I don’t know for sure what happens in or else, because in the 10 years I’ve been running regulatory projects I have yet to miss a deadline. That sounds all braggy to everyone except the people I work with because they know that the government also does a fair bit of changing their minds and giving everyone more time because no one is going to be ready when they said we should be. The government could use more Program Managers like me. A program is a grouping of more than one project that somehow fit together logically or technically. Like if maybe you divided all the countries into projects and they sat under the umbrella of the program managed by Steve. Each country would have different traditions and so the elf play book if you will would be slightly different. I’m almost done with Arthur Christmas references I swear. Overall Steve was a really good PM, though he sucked as a person for most of the movie in typical family movie fashion he and the other jerks pulled it out of their butts in the end and saw the error of their ways.
I am a certified Project Management Professional or PMP. The Husband says I’m a PiMP. This means that I applied for the right to take a test given by the Project Management Institute. Yes, you have to fill out an application and ASK to be able to sit for the exam. They have a long list of requirements, education and experience minimums etc that you must meet. After that you are basically training yourself to memorize the PM bible the PMBOK or Project Management Book of Knowledge. This book changes from time to time as it is peer reviewed and written, if the industry changes it changes in response somehow. I took an expensive class while I was pregnant with The Destroyer to study for this exam. It lasted about 12 weeks and comprised about 4+ hours of study in between classes, those hours climbed the closer to the end of class we got. It was probably a lot like what being in grad School is like, only I just had to do it until I passed the test. After the class and about 300 hours of studying I sat down at a testing center very early on morning in the 7 month of my pregnancy and passed that bitch in about 90-140 minutes with an 89%. When I took it you got 4 hours, and it was several hundred questions. I had a good class, I had good materials that taught me to train my brain to give the PMBOK answer, not the REAL WORLD answer, and I’ve always been pretty chill about tests. I feel like once i get to the test point I either know it or I don’t, why stress.
The principles of Project Management can be applied to almost any area of your life, including relationships. Not from a task master standpoint, from a planning, monitoring and making adjustments (controlling) standpoint. In fact this is a topic than Vin Deisel and I have discussed at length, and before I decided to write this blog we toyed around with doing a joint blog about Relationships and Project Management. With each of us contributing for a male and female point of view. I don’t know that we will ever take the plunge and do that, but I do know that VinD and I will most assuredly work together again at some point in our careers.
Now it’s time to head out to my seminar for the day!
It’s the 26th and I’m a bit behind on my thankful for the month of November. So without further ado
#22: Running and Martini Curls: I had the pleasure of running in one of local Thanksgiving 5k runs. I chose to do the one closer to home and on the route I ran during the Mini training program. I’ve only run like 2-3 times since I finished my last half marathon. I need to get signed up for the next one in May, and the training program which starts January 16th. If I’m going to stay successful in my experiment to stay completely off Wellbutrin I think I need to incorporate regular working out to my regimen, as well as dump a few other habits. The Husband is completely out as a running buddy for a while as he has 3 bulging discs in his back, yes that is about as much fun as you might imagine. He has been in daily pain since mid October. Hood running buddy was walking it with other friends so I planned to just run it alone. I’ve been slightly experimenting with a run 5 min walk 2 min interval, and I am torn between sticking with that and simply training to try to run the whole 13.1, which is truly my preference. I signed for the race; I’m planning on signing up for a few others; as a way to force me to at ;least run a little through the holidays until blessed January 16th arrives and I’m forced into the Mon-Wed-Sat training schedule. Thanksgiving morning I talked The Husband and the Destroyer out of bed and out of the house at 7:15am to come and watch me run. The Destroyer wanted to do the kiddie run through the woods and we are trying to nurture them both into budding runners. You don’t need babysitting during races if your kids are running alongside you! Anyway, as we pulled into the parking lot I had the great luck of parking right next to my friend Martini Curls! This i super exciting because I haven’t seen her in a while, don’t get to see her nearly enough, and I absolutely love her to death. I met her years ago at a MNO in an over crowded private restaurant room. We shared our love of Vodka. You know those people who you look forward to being around because of how you know you’re going to feel just being around them? She is one of those people, whenever I am around her I KNOW she is going to be smiling and laughing and friendly. You can’t help but absorb some of her joy when you’re near her. I get super excited when I see she is going to be at a group event I am attending. AND>>> she recently started running!!!! Which means I have a hope and a prayer that she shares my below average pace of 12+ minutes and maybe I can keep up with her for the 3 miles. Turns out I can hang for the first mile and a half or so. I dropped back to walk and managed to finish in 36:20. Almost a full 3 minutes off my last 5K race time. It felt pretty great!
#23 My Readers: I don’t know If I’ve thanked you all properly yet or not, so let me take this moment to say THANK YOU!!!!! As Martini Curls and I got started at the 5K we were with another Mommy in the group. I’ve met her once or twice. And the One memorable time was the night at Champs when the joint salesman wanted to talk Project management with me naked in his hotel room. We-reintroduce ourselves and I mention meeting her before. “My life was a lot different then.” I laughed. Martini Curls look at me and says ” I love your blog. I read it every time it comes out.” ” Aww, thanks.” I tell her. I absolutely LOVE hearing that. I love it when you guys email me or call me or tell me when you see me that what I write matters enough to you to keep reading it. Thank you for reading whichever parts of this blog you do, I love writing it and I hope it brings you joy or understanding or helps you in some small way. Even you juts stop by and even if all it does it help you to laugh at me laughing at myself. I appreciate all 23 countries and rising of you!
#24 Bacon: Yes, bacon. Due to some family drama circumstances I had the ability to eat Thanksgiving in my own home this year at whatever time I felt like it. I had a bacon, egg and sharp cheddar sandwich on ciabatta bread after finishing my 5k. For dinner The Husband made: Smoked a prime rib roast, Smoked garlic cheddar mashed potatoes, Apple onion stuffing, Braised leeks au gratin with bacon. I made dill, garlic bacon green beans and the gravy. For dessert we had ice cream and fancy cupcakes because The Husbands Birthday is near Thanksgiving every year. After MiniMe said the prayer we all went around and talked about what we were thankful for. We were a few turns down the list and I was taking a bite of my leeks. Bacon. I am thankful for bacon. I had it again on my egg sandwich for brunch and again on my pizza for dinner.
#25 My SIL: My SIL joined us for Thanksgiving this year. She is The Husbands sister and one of my dearest friends. She recently moved further away and we do not get to see her nearly as much as we used to. And boy do I miss her. She is one of those people you can sit down with and cry both from laughing and from sharing all in the same visit. She has a beautiful heart and a stubborn will and she gets herself into some real pickles. But just like she loves me as is I don’t hold it against her when she leaves and my vodka supply is depleted, her bed is unmade and I have no idea when we w get to see her again. She is my favorite member of non-immediate family, hand down. She is my concert buddy and my vodka buddy and my pick on her brother partner in crime. This game is fun because it works both ways. I can help the husband pick on her too.
#26 New Husband: New husband does a lot of things differently than before AD Husband. We are starting into year 2 of being back together I am enjoying that most of those better things have stuck. Including no longer being an absolute Grinch about Christmas Decorating. Which we started today by picking up the new real tree and greenery. Then we had a great afternoon and evening in the cul-de-sac enjoying the weather and all of the adults were out doing the outside of their houses while the kids ran and played. I was puttering with my greenery churning out 8 swags (pics and post later) while he climbed on the roof and hung the lights. I looked up the street at all the screaming kids, my two among them, at all of the houses on our cul-de-sac getting prettier and prettier, and I thought “I’ve never been happier than I am right in this moment.” Thank God for new husband.
Looking at the pics while writing Monday’s post reminded me of the last time I checked those pics out. Back in February The Husband and I got invited to go to Vegas with our friends Chef Badass and Ava G, his fabulous wife.
Point of Thanks #21- Cheff Badass and Ava G.
I absolutely adore Chef Badass and Ava G. They are two of just a handful of friends that successfully pulled off staying friends with both The Husband and I during the AD. Everyone else took sides, and most of the time rightly so. Divorce is war and if you think at any time it isn’t you are kidding yourself. The Husband and I met Chef Badass and Ava G when I hired CB to personally cater the open house we had to celebrate moving into our new home. We’d been in since December 07 and I wanted to have the event before a year was up and also before the Holiday Season got into full swing. So we scheduled it for the Saturday night before Thanksgiving and invited almost as many people as we invited to our wedding. We invited our old friends, our new friends, service people who we had a relationship with, and many of our current neighbors. CB and I worked together to plan the menu around his strengths. At that time he was still in Culinary school and just starting out. I found him through a Mommy acquaintance and he was willing to cater for cost of the food, the ability to put his business cards out and a tip. So I decorated the house, stocked up on pretty serve ware from Sam’s Club, bought plenty of beer and wine and recruited my best friend at the time, Cincy, to come for the weekend and help me hostess. CB was prepping most of the food at his house and bringing it over about 2-3 hours before the party to finish getting it ready, that was the plan. But as most things like this go he was well over an hour late and we were all scrambling when he got there. I wasn’t really all that miffed that he was late, we had plenty of time and it’s not like we couldn’t have him cooking when guests arrived, this isn’t The Help. The night was an absolute BLAST!
Our house was filled to the brim with people from all areas of our lives dressed up and milling about, we went through 12 full bottles of wine and 2+ cases of beer. We ate just about every morsel of food CB put out. Now what I didn’t tell you is that he brought Ava G to be his server. And to be very honest I think Cincy, Ava G spent most of the night replenishing while I tried to circulate, usually with a bottle of open wine to pour refills. Cincy made sure that Ava G’s glass didn’t go empty and by the end of the night all 3 of us were quite toasted and fast friends. As things began to wind down CB even sat down and drank some with us. He started the night out as some dude I hired to cater our open house and ended the night as, wow I really like those people we should really hang out with them. But Cb didn’t know we felt that way, he was a little upset that Ava G had gotten drunk with the rest of us at our party, he is very serious and he wanted to be very professional. Chef Badass is the Kitchen Manager at a local pub now and I just KNOW he is destined for big things. Ava G supports him through all of the time and monetary sacrifices that have to be made when your dream is to create amazing dishes that put you on the chef map. IN between they have spent a few nights in my guest bedroom after a late night/early morning at the fire pit and CB makes the BEST Biscuits and Gravy I have ever had. The Husband is getting closer with practice, but NOTHING tastes like CB’s B’s&G’s. They are good people, good friends, and good together. So when they suggested we join them in a trip to Vegas we looked at the budget, arranged some child care ( the SIL) and made it happen.
Almost Divorce: Snake on a plane
When time to go to Vegas rolled around I was in a walking boot because of the stress fracture in my right foot. When we booked the trip I was super excited than 2 of our scheduled training runs would take place in Vegas, I was going to get to run on the strip! I have been to Vegas about 10ish times and every time we see people jogging early in the morning on the mostly deserted strip. I thought it was super cool that I was going to get to do that, but my hopes were very dashed by the stress fracture. I even packed my running shoes and one outfit in case I decided to be obstinate and run the 5 miles in Vegas anyway. I didn’t because I decided to be a good girl, but this story isn’t about being in Vegas, it’s about the plane ride there.
This was sometimes in February. PJ has shown up in chat and on Skype in December. We had not communicated even though we were contacts on Skype. But I had been going in chat since that Tuesday in December. At first I had gone in sort of knee jerk reaction style in response to PJ’s sudden reappearance. I popped in for a few seconds that first night, and then maybe a few minutes the next day. Then not again for a few weeks and I was lurking. Then another week or so would go by and I was in with my name and talking but not camming. Then a little more time would pass and one day I cammed up. at first I stayed clothed, but then over the course of time the boobies started coming out quite regularly. This is the lure of the community of chat, if I go eventually I’m getting naked. And if I get naked eventually some dude is going to full court press me, and eventually one of them is going to slip through. Chat can be a great place, it just isn’t a great place for me long term, so I shouldn’t go ever. Now The Husband knew NONE of this was going on. When we were on our trip in February the Big Guy had not entered the picture yet. I had simply been hanging out, wasting time, having fun showing my tits a little. Your basic flirting , but I wasn’t crossing the line with any online guys and doing things with them like before. This doesn’t make it right, I knew I shouldn’t of been in there. It doesn’t make it better, I was still crossing a line that i knew was a big deal for The Husband. But it does make it different. The thing that makes this part of the chat journey different is that I went there chasing after/waiting for/ trying to find PJ. And then I found myself staying for the fun and community. But what I’d done to myself by taking those actions was put my mind and body on hyper alert for tall, dark, hairy, good looking, well dressed, mid 20’s men.
When PJ first vanished if something like that caught my peripheral vision I would always do a double take. I spent a good portion of those first few weeks more than a bit scared about what kind of psychotic murdering monster he might turn out to be. There were more than two conversations about him putting me in his pit, a pretty harmless meme until you don’t know who the fuck you’ve been giving googly eyes to for the last 5 months. I never saw him in chat, and I doubt after the reception he was given he chose to stay and lurk. But if he did, then he could of seen or read or heard everything I did in chat for those few months I went back. I’ll go into more details about that when we get there but on more than one occasion I made a guy cam up and show me his face because of the shit he was saying. It as the pardon me but you’re acting a little too much like PJ, you will now have to prove to me you are not if you want to keep talking to me via PM’s cam test. Everyone did it willingly, even if we had to broker a I’ll only do it in a private room b/c I’m shy, fine but you’re keeping your dick in your pants, deal. I laugh at myself for doing this now, and I’m grateful everyone was so gracious about it. When SIL and I went to Jimmy Eat World in Cincy, she had an eye out in the crowd for PJ. PJ had claimed to attending 8 J.E.W. shows. There were 1 and a half false alarms. Rock shows are filled with guys that look like PJ. This was in January and after that concert I started to breathe a little easier about PJ suddenly showing up where I was. Both from a desperate to see him and from a scared to death to see him standpoint.
So very early one morning in February I climbed on a plane and sat down in my aisle seat. The Husband had the window and some dude was between us. The plane starts to fill up and as it gets almost full guess what comes down the aisle. Tall, dark hair, brown eyes, wearing cute nerdy glasses, suit pants, dress shirt, tie, pointy nice shoes, nice belt, and a north face zip up jacket. It’s carrying a brief case, wearing a wedding ring, has a working smart phone and sitting no more than 5 feet away from me in the next aisle up on the right. I notice it coming down the aisle first, and then sort of quizzically look while it gets settled. Now I’ve met people from the internet before, I never had trouble figuring out it was ‘them”, when that happened. so you would think that after 5 months of staring at PJ I would absolutely without a doubt know if it was him if he was 5 feet away from me. You’d think after all those hours of looking into each other’s eyes if they met on a plane there would be something, anything flash between us. There where no overwhelming feelings of anything, but there was enough resemblance for it to start bothering me. So I’m staring at the back of his head as we get settled to take off. I don’t know if he has seen me but he has nice thick hair. The complete lack of a suit jacket throws me, that doesn’t fit my suited up PJ. The shoes are a bit pointy even for him and the combo of pants, shirt tie is metro, but still not quite PJ. I don’t say a thing to The Husband about this, he has seen him plenty of times on cam too but he is wedged by the window and can’t see the aisle like I can. By this time I am very very well practiced at calming myself down. So I settle in to my not sure feelings and decide to distract myself by catching up on Entourage episodes on my iPhone. This is an almost 4 hour non-stop flight. At some point he starts to get up to use the rest room. As he stands up and turns around it catches my attention. As he starts to walk by I look up and get a very good, very close full face view. My instant reaction in my head, eww..nope, I am not attracted to that face. It’s pretty enough but something in the jaw isn’t quite right, his face looks too wide. Plus I’m pretty sure he gets a look at me too and there were no on plane explosions on either side, nobodies face changed in shock or fear or anger, so it can’t be him. He sits back down and I verify the wedding ring again. I know right… it can’t be MY PJ, because this dude is married AND has a working phone. 🙂 But it is still bugging me. So later I stand up to let the guys out of my aisle to pee and I make sure to back down the aisle into His space, place my hand on his head rest. Now I’m within inches of him, I still feel nothing. But I do not have the balls to look him directly in the eye when I am stuck on 4 hour plane ride with my husband. We are getting ready to land I lean over and start talking to The Husband and the Entourage episodes. I see the dude’s head start to lean out to the aisle, he is listening to me talk. This goes on for a few minutes and then something happens. He turns his head all the way around in his seat, and looks at me directly from the headrest. It is hiding everything but his eyes. They are brown and “might” be the correct shade, his eyes are smiling and happy. There is delight in those eyes, and I look at them for maybe a second before the flight attendant walks into our space and starts telling him to put his seat back up. When he looked at me, I felt nothing. I mean it nothing, no spark of recognition, no lust nothing. he gets off the plane ahead of us and walks alone over to a monitor. If it’s him he is probably on his way back to ASU I think to myself. I walk away to baggage claim holding The Husbands hand and away from whoever he was.
Now the dude looked at me and it’s till bugging me. But I let it go for a few days until I finally just tell the Husband what happened on the plane. We have long established that I get space when dealing with PJ issues. So I just needed to let him know there was one. I fail to mention that PJ was on Skype and chat and that I was currently enjoying a 2nd fruitful chat career. Once we get home I tell the SIL what happened, and she makes me go look in my journal and check again. I look at the pictures in my journal, decide again that it wasn’t him and let it go. It is the ONLY time I’ve thought I might of actually seen PJ and it still bugs me a tiny bit. I’m sure it was just grief taking me crazy places, but those eyes still flash in front of my brain sometimes. If it was him I know all I need; wedding ring, working phone, failure to own actions, not all that hot in person.
Holy moly Lovies, it’s been a crazy week. Work is is serious full end of year push and holiday activities are filling up my calendar already. I’m squeezing this in after a full weekend while The Husband makes a yummy Mexican dinner;the beans have been smelling up the house with yumminess all dang day! So let’s hit this!
12. I am thankful for reaching my landing spot on PJ and no longer being consumed with grief and anger or love. It is his Birthday today. May it find him better than I left him.
13. I am thankful for Girl Scouts and being able to make it the whole night camping with MiniMe and her troop. Oh I don’t mean her, I mean me. I am incredibly neurotic, though better than I used to be, about my sleeping conditions and earlier in teh year in April I simply could not make it through the whole night on those awful cots. The camp is one I visited as a young Girl Scout and it is filled with bittersweet memories. The place looks EXACTLY the same as it did when I was 10-12 and being there for the first time in April was a tiny bit difficult for me. I really don’t enjoy remembering how AI felt when I was that age, I’d been recently molested and didn’t have the best home life going on during those years. This trip those feelings were lessened and also I was in a better place to deal. I ma also thankful for the other Moms and girls who made it so easy to just enjoy the time and the late night Mommy bonding. I love you GS Mom’s!
14. I am thankful that I have a career that I enjoy and a place of employment that provides a safe and comfortable working environment. I’m thankful I still have opportunity to learn and grow in my potion after ten years of working there and I am VERY thankful for the 37 days a year of PTO I enjoy along with a salary that allows me to live in comfort and have money leftover to play. I am thankful for my co-workers and project teams because they work so hard to deliver what we need to, when we have to and no one has lost their mind quite yet. I ma thankful for my work wife Rock Star!
15. I am thankful for the fuzzy little creatures that provide us with unconditional love and entertain us with their antics. Badger, our “new” Golden Retriever is 2 now and a calm and gentle soul who puts off an air of good guard Dog when he has to. I am thankful for all the lonely nights he slept in my bed with me. For Gracie and Allie, the kitties we got as a pair from the local Humane Society back before we had kids to replace Capers, who drowned in the pond behind our house the winter prior. I can’t tell you how many morning I woke to find them sitting up like Sphinxes, keeping watch over me on either side on my pillow. I am thankful for George, our crotchety old grey kitty who hates most people but will allow his Mommy to rub his bellly and pet him while he eats. I ma thankful that my first Golden, Dresden has her final resting place on Momma M’s compound and I can have a few moments with her anytime I’m there.
16. I am thankful for http://www.damnyouautcorrect.com . Every time I go to that site I laugh until I pee or cry or pee while crying from laughing so hard. My current favorite http://damnyouautocorrect.com/14006/such-a-mess/
17. I am thankful for my health. That I have a body that is capable of running half marathons, that possesses all 5 senses and has no serious ailments. I am thankful for the gift that each and every day of life truly is and blessed that I am still here on this earth to live it. Even on days things don’t go exactly as I’d like.
18. I am thankful for the garden I grew this year. It wasn’t a perfect or even overly abundant growing season here in the Lola Family garden, but we have plenty of harvest in the freezer to assist in making yummy things for most of the winter. and I captured enough great photos of my flowers that I can enjoy them whenever I like. God truly created this earth to provide many shows of beauty and grace. The mental and physical therapy gained from puttering with the plants or digging in the dirt is priceless.
19. I am thankful that the Moon still brings me joy and for every sunrise or sunset painted on the Midwestern sky that stops my inner mental taskmaster and begs me to take a moment or 5 and enjoy it.
20. I am thankful for old friends. I got to spend 4 hours with one of my college roomies, Dippy Do, on Friday. We started in the minute she got here like we hadn’t even been gone. Old friends already carry your history with them, they can point out that you haven’t changed a bit in some ways and remind you that no matter how the journey of life has morphed you through the years, at the core you are still the same person. And you are still fabulous! I love you Dippy Do and I can’t wait to catch up more soon.
I hope you all have an amazing and fabulous week filled with blessings and the joy of family time and/or scoring great deals on Black Friday!
7:00 Blank Page
Later in the Morning: Not sure how this got published. To be honest I am surprised I havent accidentally published something early prior to this. It’s still in my head and apparently I planned to get it out onto paper by 7am this morning.
Um…yeah… that didn’t happen. 🙂
It’s a busy work day , but I’ll get it updated before I go to bed tonight.
Have a great day lovies, check back much later today !
Sitting down to finish this, I’ll put a closing statement at the end in case any of you wander in while I’m still writing and editing.
I just got off the phone with Shorty. I told her I needed to go write about Depression and she said I tricked her into making her coffee this morning. We spent most of the conversation laughing and making fun of last Sat night and this was near the end of the conversation. I teasingly told her I was making an avante garde statement about the emptiness and nothingness of depression. She wasn’t buying it. Even as I sit here writing this I wonder if I shouldn’t just go ahead and give you all this Thursday’s post a few days early. It’s been done since Sunday and next week’s is almost ready as well, though it won’t be publishing on Thanksgiving. I know this post didn’t get done because I’ve been pondering how to respectfully tackle this topic. It is important to me that I navigate this properly and that I feel my heart is in the right place while I do it. This is the filter I try to apply to all of my writing to come across properly in spite of the rawness and intensity of some of the things I choose to share with you.
In that vein, I’ll divulge first before I tackle PJ.
This story from prologue to finish talks pretty openly about my mental state at the time things were happening. I wasn’t in a good place way before I met PJ, but I don’t know that I would call that depression. I am just a few weeks past weaning off Wellbutrin. I have been on Wellbutrin or something like it on and off since I had MiniMe…… dinner’s here……….. and we are back. You can’t spit in this town and not hit a school, a fire station or a mother on an antidepressant. I started taking them because I was pissed off all the time. This seems to be how “depression” manifests in me. I have always called them my anti-bitch pills. I’ve heard a lot of other Mother’s say the same thing. The battle we fight isn’t always one of grief depression, or can’t get out of bed or bathe or feed my kids depression; but rather, it’s OMFG if I have to get one more thing done against all of these daily obstacles and I have to repeat this how many fucking days in a row for the rest of my foreseeable future I’m going to go postal on someone depression. I’d like to try to make a mothering version of the Chris Rock joke where he talks about ” I understand”, but I’d probably fuck the up the execution. Some of us have bodies that don’t make the right chemicals, I don’t think mine is one of those. Right now I’m off the meds after discussion with my PCP. But back when all of this was going on that was not the case. Backs when this was going on I was up to Wellbutrin combined with Cymbalta. I started the cocktail sometime in the early fall, shortly after Mother’s Day I quit taking ALL of my meds. At first it wasn’t on purpose, I’d forget, then notice I’d be especially emotional beyond whatever normal emotional was at the time. So I’d do a better job of taking them and things would even out to normal emotional at the time. The big issue with this was, normal emotional at the time, got worse and worse for me the more stress and calamity I brought into my life. By sometime right after Mother’s day I felt that my poor soul was at its maximum for managing of suckiness. It was SO BAD that I just wanted to be able to feel everything, if that even makes any sense. I stopped taking all my meds the week after I got back from my weekend in Texas. ohhhh….noooo. wait. I stopped taking them sometime in January and started back on the Wellbutrin only right after Mother’s day? Hell, I’m not entirely sure.
The short point is I went off them for a time, then as I started to recognize that I had some serious work to do to center myself, I started back on the Wellbutrin. There were parts of this journey where I am almost numb with stress and grief. Or maybe I was numbing the stress and grief. I now can tell you that I not only absolutely understand but have personally had grief, pain, sadness, frustration, anger, confusion and shock to the point that when I cried it felt like my heart was trying to crack layer after layer of hardness open so it could let the pain out. I have cried to the point of moaning in what I described in my journal as, My sobs almost sound like sad orgasms. They are deep and emotional and breath stopping. Later I figured out I was keening. Orgasms of Sadness. The intensity of the best thing you feel used to amp up the worst thing you feel. I wrote this almost a month after he vanished. Here is a mid-late August PJ quote just so you know I meant everything I said. At that time my heart was at how is that even possible. At this time my heart is at “It is what it is, so now what” .
The mid range point is I started back on my meds and to my journey of emotional stability well before PJ started his. I made faster progress, so I was always the one ahead of the game. We both knew this and it was part of the way we talked with each other. I was the (mediocre) mentor of progress. PJ and I were equals in self awareness of our issues. I’ve talked before about how those were unpacked and mutually reviewed. This, in part, is how I came to know so many intimate things about PJ. It is these intimate things, as well as the other minute details, that make it so hard for me to believe that all of what we went through was lies and manipulation. Can you even imagine the amount of mental work that it would take to DO that? I can’t. The only kind of person capable of that kind of evil manipulation for nothing more than free internet penis/pussy is a sociopath. A sociopath could easily fake depression. I have touched on this before, but I cannot out rightly tell you that I think PJ is a sociopath. He might be. He might also be a young, scared, what are you a fucking idiot, who made some really bad choices. It doesn’t matter to me. I’m going to treat him the same way. Hell, I’m probably treating him better now than I ever did then, because I’m in a place of forgiveness. I’m in a place of forgiveness where I can see my own mistakes and see more of what he may of felt. I can not only see how he might of felt, but I can do that without losing my temper or my confidence. most of the time. I talk more about this in Thursday’s post; part of why I considered giving it to you early in place of this one. And if he is a sociopath he isn’t the first person to try to destroy me and fail. It is natural for me to be curious about who he really is. I’m ok with carrying that curiosity. I’m thankful (#12) that it no longer consumes me. That’s “what giving up gives you, where giving up takes you. I have and I’ve been” means for me. I only wish I’d given up sooner. Not sooner before he vanished, sooner after he was gone. I’m a girl and this was my largest heartbreak. I carry him with me in the inner chambers with the others. I’m content with that.
PJ’s depression will have to be another post Lovies, or I will simply do a better job of weaving it into the story where it applies. Right now I’m going to listen to the new Blink 182 Neighborhoods and play some Words With Friends on Facebook.