Almost Divorce- A childish pictorial of how I was different

Yeah I hit send too early… it’s coming. Happy NEW YEAR.. Lola

11:00 Note to self, remember to hit save draft NOT publish!!!

I am not a good artist

I found this in my journal, It is basically a pictorial of how I was different.  I did this kind of 3×5 card journaling before I started my PJ journal in early August.  All of the cards I made myself and posted on my big silver dream board are in that journal.   All of the pics PJ sent me are in the journal, there are a lot of tears in that  journal and at once it sustained a few puncture wounds with my garden pruners.  God is in that journal and I am getting excited that we are coming towards that part of the story.

I am not an artist or an art critic but I took a really good look at this today. It caught my eye when I went to look at when I started the journal.  At the time I was just drawing my heart out and trying to make the point to myself that I wanted my heart back and a smile on my face. I don’t really know when I drew this but either way it is the perfect visual representation, and it is kind of funny.

Today I see  a few more things.  That is PJ in the pit of despair, his heart is broken.  He only moves side to side in that thing, never up though you’ll notice there are ladder rungs. He also has extra legs and silky shit coming out of his hands because I always felt like a bug trapped in this web of little sticky ties he had all over me.  It was like he infiltrated everything I had of myself and attached himself to it in some way. I also come to think of him  as poison, which fits with the whole spider thing too.    I have an even worse drawing of PJ as an actual spider and I’m all wrapped up  in the black webs from him.   Hey I was drunk a lot, bite me :-).  My art skills never progressed past the one picture of grass, flowers, and a house I repeatedly draw, stick figures, and this kind of donkey horse looking thing with usually about 3.5 but never quite 4 legs.  Thank God I’m good at Project Management.  Oh I can also kind of draw hearts and turtles and some flowers. I enjoy drawing, I’m just no good at it.

The curly headed skinny goddess spewing tears and throwing heart after heart into that pit is me.  There  are stepping stones across the pit and the exit is a door, which is shut and the door knob is on the outside.   On the right the curly haired girl is holding her heart and moving away from that damn  pit.   She puts her back inside her and smiles while she hugs herself, then heads off the page.   That was one of my big goals of the summer, to quit throwing time and emotional energy into PJ and his pit of despair, to walk off and take my heart back for ME. Then I could take my time deciding who to give it to next. The problem was that I always ran back to that door, opened it and took a look so be sure he was still there.   I was basically still waiting out side the door. It took a while to start wanting to move away from it.

Zen and the art of car tripping

When I am driving I am often mentally transported.   I don’t know if this overworked inner mind of mine is natural to everyone, or a product of  my personality and  repeated summers spent grounded to my room unable to leave it except for meals and to shower to pee for weeks and a weeks and weeks on end while my friends and people I would of liked to be my friends got to play and enjoy themselves.   But I was lucky enough to have a bedroom that also served as the family library.  It was wall to wall, floor to ceiling shelves of books along one whole wall.  And that wasn’t the full extent of the books in our home.  I was pretty much rendered unable to do anything but read and daydream.  So I did just that.. a lot… It may also explain why sometimes I can be so easily deluded.   But I do know it gave me a  very rich imagination and a large ( and sometimes misused) vocabulary as well as the need for copious amounts of alone time. It’s funny the things that shape us and how isn’t it?

I love driving alone, specifically driving with the sunroof open, windows down, wind in my hair, music up loud.  I’m blessed to live in a state I could choose to drive that way about 7-8 months out of the year.  And so very lucky that after a cold and nasty spell that today was a PERFECT fall day for driving.   When I get in the car and close the doors,  choose the music and then back out of the garage, I am not just driving to work or to MNO or BGC.  I am giving my mind a chance to relax and process. In order to actively work through things of the day, plans of the future, problems to solve.  I need my mind to check out, go on a journey if you will, take a trip. I little mind trip.   I have found that if I want the best answers  and ideas then  I  need to stop ACTIVELY thinking about the topic and just allow myself to listen to God and/ or all the parts of me  while waiting for the answer or a new perspective that changes the question or erases the need for it altogether to pop into my head.    It’s kind of like the mental state I often achieve on a run, doing my best thinking and non-thinking all at once.   If there was a closeness to God or meditation state of mind for me it would be in the Zen of my car, left to my own thoughts, only the music and the air and the scenery to guide me.  There is something about the feel of the air swirling around my skin and whipping my curls all over the place. How the light is hitting the air and the trees, where the sun is in the sky or the moon and clouds in the night.  It’s my own little mind trip.  I have often felt God there in those spaces, places in between memories or overlaid onto the drive and the problem itself.

Sometimes while ensconced in that Zen state of pure driving joy and thoughtfulness a song will come on, or the air and light will be hitting me a certain way and it  transports me to someplace else, some other time.  It is always  away from the problem or issue at hand.  These memories weave me all over my past, spanning memories from early childhood to this mornings shower.  I get to have a few minutes with my memory before I’m lead to the next one.  If I’m really lucky I land on something that proves useful to the intent of my musings and allows for some gentle or vigorous untangling of the issue.  But  if not then I just enjoyed a really kick-ass drive and it still feels like a win to me.  Just like the one I took today on the way home from work.

Fearlessly Be Yourself- sometimes this comes at a cost

Tenacity. Resilience. Beauty in spite of outside circumstances. Lessons in the garden.

Yes, I know it’s Thursday. Life very much got in the way of  getting the Almost Divorce story back on track.   Life will be in the way until  Tuesday. On Tuesday I have two glorious days off  for me.  I’ll be running my 2nd Half Marathon in 2 days and then immediately going on a family trip.

I’m going to need those two days and I have  a massage, a facial and lots of writing time planned.  I’m sort of at a crossroads with the AD  story.   My feelings about the subject evolve as I  share more and more.  My feelings about the subject evolve as  I receive  positive, constructive, and hateful feedback.  I’ve been a little stuck; not from an oh its too hard to write emotionally standpoint, we are way past that nonsense.   It’s more writers block from a where to take the story next standpoint.  I honestly think I need to sit down and print it out and read it the old fashioned way from part 1 to part 9, which has been in edit mode for over a month.

I sometimes worry as I tell it if I’m doing it well enough, being fair enough to everyone involved, being graceful enough about PJ, owning enough etc… Whenever I feel this way, or whenever I  get hateful feedback I have to ask myself just one question.  And that is, is this ME…  Am I fearlessly being myself?

Yes I am.  This week that came at a cost of my children no longer having a church  their Mother feels welcome in.   Which means they no longer have a church.  It also means that the 3 years of work I put into my family and The Husband to find a church we could agree on, actually get up and  go, have the kids like it and then get brave enough to volunteer and serve in is ruined.   It means that the fight I put into making sure my Divorce Decree said I was able to take my kids  to church every Sunday in spite of whose week it was, was wasted.

And they did it the the most cliched, this is why people hate Christians and The Church way.

I was told a BLOG is not  the best way to work through issues, the church as an organization must be protected and I need to stop serving in any capacity.

Now I was never told what about this blog/me is the danger. I’m just lobbing a  slow one over the fence and guessing it’s the AD story.  But really, in light of the judgement it could be the vodka, the cussing, the sex stories of my youth, maybe the music I listen to. Who knows and I’m not wasting time worrying about it.    I  got my boobs out on the internet and then discovered that is a BAD idea and leads to MUCH BIGGER problems which are also not good.  I sinned, recovered, was forgiven, learned from it and then started sharing with others. Yes, it’s intense, it’s way personal.   a friend pointed out this week that it is  my ministry to  others.

But they aren’t kicking me out , they still want us to come. And they would be happy to help me with my recovery process in any way.  I’m the one choosing to feel this way ( unwelcome/kicked out)  about what they did.

They tried to shame me, but it didn’t work.  I carried around shame about my actions during and after for far too long.   I haven’t had that shame in awhile because God, The Husband and I have all forgiven me.  As far as the rest, well, it’s me shrugs.   Fearlessly being myself, I choose to feel unwelcome in that house of worship and never go back.   It’s a loss for me for sure, it’s a loss for my family.   I cried, like a lot.  But I’m not ashamed.

Lovies, my commitment to myself is that I will come away next Thursday being at least 2 weeks ahead again on the Almost Divorce story.     Have a safe and Wonderful Labor Day weekend and GOD bless you!!