Almost Divorce Part 25- July

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

The next weekend was 4th of July.  I did not have my kids and early in the week one of MiniBoobs dearest friends passed away.   I offered to ride with her up to Fort Wayne to say goodbye, it is one  of PJ’s prior home towns. The one he lived with the ex in and where  he went for his weekly counseling appointments on Thursdays.    PJ has plans to work of course, his excuse for not seeing me. But when he ins’t working he has plans for D and S to come visit.  I think maybe delusional girl was trying to worm her way into it, which would of made me furious on the inside, but was told not to come.  So I take notice that he has time and freedom to spend his actual 4th of July with his friends, but his busy work schedule and 3 hour drive to me where just too much of a burden to  overcome.  Another difference in me is that I am paying very close attention now to everything he says and does. And I am then (over) analyzing it for clues to what he is really going to do or who he really is.   I’m paying more attention to the things he does instead of the things he says, because even in the beginning the two never could seem to quite match up cleanly. MiniBoobs and I have an amazingly lovely road trip in spite of the sad circumstances.  There is something about baring your soul to a Bestie with sunshine on your face, wind in your hair and good tunes on the radio.   We both did plenty of sharing over that couple of days.  Being able to be away from PJ online and geographically closer allowed me to spend some free time thinking about things.  Why I couldn’t shake him no matter how hard I thought I was trying, why I still wanted him in my life.  Those days my actions were focused on doing what needed to be done to get better and make a new life for myself and my kids.  My thoughts were focused on PJ, and on weeks when I was kid free I tried to relish in the freedom and not let the loneliness crush me.   Getting divorced is lonely, all of your friends are still on their normal lives and schedules, yours is the one that has changed.  They try to support you but they are busy people too, and the longer your drama goes on the harder it probably is to keep hearing about.

After the 4th of July PJ and I are still talking.  We are not really together per se, but we aren’t really apart either.   It took a little while longer than previous times , but at roughly the 2-2.5 week mark we reach the point that we are going to cam up and talk to each other.   This first cam up after an absence event is NEVER sexual, it is ritualistic and the ritual is PJ  offering to show me a smile. PJ knows what I like and he knows what gets me where he wants me quickest.   I don’t recall ever turning down the visual of a smile from PJ, they were magnificent and in the hundreds of hours we spent together I have seen many of those smiles and other heart melting looks.   This first smile after an absence was always accompanied by some kind of facial hair surprise. once he had grown a full shaggy unkempt beard.  I was so broken over over you and this I was not sleeping and crying and  I couldn’t even shave was the fantasy meaning in my head.  This time before he cams up he actually asks me if I’m sitting down.  I have to warn you he says, it is just too awful, I have a porn stache.   He cams up and it is the cheesiest fullest porn stache I have ever seen in my life.  On the other side of it is PJ with this giant silly grin. I can’t stop laughing, it is just so awful. He looks like the biggest dorkiest hick ever.    Every time I try to get myself together and look at him in the camera I see it and just start laughing again.  I figured no one would want to get with me if I had this thing he tells me, I’m offering free mustache rides.   I can’t believe no one has taken you up on that I laugh, eventually I calm down enough to be be able to stare at him and see how cute he still is, even with a horrible porn stache.   Later we are simply G-chatting while we are both at work, the flirting starts. I can’t stop thinking about that porn stache. One thing is very clear this time though, when PJ finally gets me alone, naked and in a bed on cam with/for him he has worked harder to make that happen that any other time before.   I would still allow g-chat tucking in with my phone in bed. a girl has to get her tucking in from her favorite fake internet boyfriend after all.   I am not the one to push it, bring it up or start it.  Once he starts I respond, but not quite as fervently in times past.  I thought I was getting stronger and more able to leave him be.  I was, but I was also getting more emotionally attached to solving the puzzle of who he was and proving to myself I wasn’t crazy.   I guess I wanted then what I’d still appreciate now, look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me, that you never did and that it was all a lie.  It was like that knot; the more you try to loosen it the tighter it becomes.  Those darn knots can be tricky!

PJ is going to weekly counseling and one things becomes painfully clear.  He is NOT spending any time talking about us or me in these sessions.  There are times when Tab has me do homework that involves asking PJ to answer a question. When that happens I bring it up, he says something pleasant and non-committal, and then it never comes up again in the coming weeks.   His therapist tells him he has to go talk to the ex and tell her how he feels/felt about everything, including the potentially fake dead baby.   He tells me that  his Mom is still trying to talk to him and that he told her if she wants to see him and talk she has to come up to him, so far she has refused to do so.  I push once and he replies that he is so focused on the past right now that he can’t even think about the future.   The Middle of July brings the weekend of PJ’s canceled wedding.   He is getting out of town and says he has a cell  phone in case of an emergency.  He is still claiming not to own a cell phone and he still hasn’t created a new real life email addy.   His therapist made him tell where he will be for the weekend and I am worried.  I don’t know what kind of mental state he is going to be in while he is gone and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he chooses this weekend to kill himself.   He  not only tells me where he is going but he also assures he is taking no firearms and that he will be fine, he promises. It is the 2nd or 3rd time we have discussed suicide and his response has never wavered, I’d never go out like that doll.   I am relieved.  It is someplace I can totally see him  spending a weekend, but  his account of how long it should take him driving doesn’t add up.  He is about 2-4 hours off from where he says he lives right now to where he says he is going. Is he talking round trip?   I let it go without mentioning this and the weekend is bitter sweet. He spends lot of time online checking in with me.  He tells me about his arrival and his day and his Saturday night.  He checks in both before and after dinner.  PJ always suits up for dinner and I just love that about him.  We talk about how he felt while he was there and some of the things he went through.   He just kind of wandered around the city looking at things and thinking.  We even talk about how he went out and flirted but that sex was the farthest thing from his mind.   It is the weekend he should be getting married, and when he isn’t spending it alone in another state he is spending it reaching out to and talking with me.    The wedding weekend was over July 17, 2010.  When he returns home  on  Sunday the loving and tender vibe is still there. It may have been one of the times he chose to stop  at his old apartment and hang out for a bit. Those trips into that place always reminded him of me and us and our earlier days.  I would agree he had some of the best days of our relationship while he was in that apartment.  I’m pretty sure he was in it when we ended as well.  His wife was probably there too.

Good  things are going on with The Husband as well, he seems to be moving past his anger stage.  I no longer have to yell into my phone while in the grocery line that I’m going to hang up now because I refuse to listen to more of the ways he hates me.    He  knows I am dating but we don’t discuss it. He knows I am still talking to Paul but that I am trying not to and occasionally we still discuss that. At one point I tell him that there is no hope for us if he continues to refuse to get his own counseling.  He still thinks this is all my fault and that he has no issues and I am adamant that he needs to go.  He reluctantly starts going and it starts helping him.    During the rest of that summer he sometimes asks me to go out on a date with him, and I almost always go. These dates usually end up in me crying the whole way back from wherever we went because he is asking for another chance for us and I can’t see how he could ever forgive me for everything that I have done.  I don’t see how I can forgive myself at this point but I hadn’t yet spent much time on that topic. The list of other things to work on was still too long.   These dates usually end in him making it a battle between him and PJ and asking me why I can’t just leave him totally behind and try to go back to a life with him and the kids.   I have learned that our marriage problems were so much bigger than PJ, but The Husband wasn’t there yet.   There are also plenty of booty calls,  I use them less because I am dating more.

Interesting things are going on in the match.com world.  One guy gets into a rhythm of starting to sext me from the moment  he gets to work at 7:30. I remember poking PJ with this one morning.   I was getting sexts and made some comment about texting starting to wake me up these days at 7:30.  I later make some other comment and he goes, Oh, I don’t think that is who I thought was texting you.  I don’t recall saying,  was my reply.  Once I was late to an event because I had spent too much time that  Saturday afternoon chatting with PJ  and didn’t get pretty quickly enough. It may have been his wedding weekend.    I sent PJ an email that “Big Daddy doesn’t like it when I am late”  Big Daddy was my running joke for the fictitious 55 or older Sugar Daddy I was going to choose to settle down with rather than 13 years my younger boy toy PJ.  It was not a joke he was fond of.  Ironically the reality from my experiences on match.com are that those two demographic dichotomies were my most viable choices in men.  The reality is that no matter how you seek to eliminate drama from life, if you are my age seeking a potential new mate they are likely to come with their own set of drama.  And in the end you will be in the same place you started, only with more drama because your ex is going to add layer to this new dynamic as well.   As far as the sex goes I can tell you that none of the additional notches I put in my bed post that summer were PJ material emotionally and none of them were as good as The Husband sexually.   I didn’t sample that much additional grass, but I took more than one trip around the block to take a look and I am telling you NONE of it is greener.

More to come soon Lovies.


Almost Divorce- Part 20 PJ Spoils Lola

PJ <3's me July 15, 2010 8:58AM

This week I am publishing on Monday for the AD story… Thanksgiving and all you know !

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

Last time we left off at the  life details he gave me  on this day.   He asks to be able to tuck me in twice that morning.   Then gives me his area code,  nickname,  and tells me  the story of how he and the ex lost a baby just a few months before they broke up.   However, PJ isn’t the only thing I have going on in my life.  The Husband is getting ready to head  out of state to visit his mother,  two of my SIL’s are going with him and one has flown in from CA to make the drive.   He invited me over to dinner at his apartment  so I can see the kids and hang with my SIL’s.  Yes, in spite of the fact that we are  separated at this point, they still want to see me and talk to me.    I don’t  know how long I’m going to stay there after dinner, I could make it home in plenty of time to let PJ tuck me in.  But I am conflicted, I already feel like I am being slightly bamboozled.   Identity is becoming a factor and he doesn’t seem to want to do anything to more concretely solidify it for me. The details he gave me that day go a little way toward helping that, but I still don’t have a last name or anything I can verify with  an online search. This is starting to bother me, but the promise of it coming has more than been implied, so I’m trying to live in the moment.   I have a decision to make.  I decide I am going to the ex’s to have dinner. I want to see my children and I want to  hang with my youngest SIL from CA.  Yes it is going to be a bit awkward,  but I am so very used to awkward at his point it doesn’t really matter.

I send PJ an email letting  him know I am going to the ex’s for dinner.  I don’t know what time I’m coming home and I don’t know if I am going to let him tuck me in.   We haven’t played together in a while, and I miss the closeness.  BUt at the same time I am afraid. When we spend time together I start to have more hope that things will work out and everything will be OK, but I have absolutely no way of knowing  everything will be OK.   Now I don’t remember doing this, but my email references me walking away from him on Monday,  so he could get a full taste of me not in life.  This soon to be much employed method may have actually worked if I was ever able to actually stay away.  I’m not god at forcing myself into things I don’t really want to do anyway.  I want to stay away from him because I don’t really trust him, I need to start getting my mind around what happens when he doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain.

I tell him that if he doesn’t come find me  or doesn’t have the strength to move on or I reach the breaking point then it will rip my heart  out. I tell him that part of me just wants to stay away from him as the more time I spend with him the more time I want to spend with him and it hurts when I can’t have what I want.   This dynamic makes me feel needy, clingy and pathetic.  It makes me think less of myself and  speculate that he thinks less of me.  I don’t like this much turmoil about making a decision.  I wonder if he isn’t capable of handling big decisions, and if he isn’t capable of  working through his issues and landing at a healthy place.   But today he is making   progress.  It’s like every little thing he gives is one more  baby step on the right path, and as long as the tiny crumbs are getting doled out on the right path I am following them.   He’s already told me what the “big” step is going to be.   he is going to get his crap taken care of and call me, we can  take it from there.   I tell him I am unsure, I want to be pursued and he is doing that.  I don’t want  him to feel rejected if I say no and if I can’t do it tonight then I want to be asked again and again.   I promise him I will work on the answer to his question of  “Are you using me to fill a hole left by The Husband?”  I tell him I adore him and send the email, then go on about my day.  He will go  be  ” Julio”, he mows lawns in the summer for extra money.  Stop laughing lovies, at least it wasn’t a paper route, AND, he taught me how to change the spark plug on my lawn mower a few weeks later.  🙂 Plus I like hot sweaty  just got all dirty, and the summer did not disappoint.  Evil grin.

But back to the story…

Mostly I just want to get off the roller coaster of angry, sad and confused. It’s only the beginning of June and I’m already WAY over  feeling this way about PJ. I have enough other ugly feelings roiling around in me with the multitude of things I am currently trying to manage and not completely crack. PJ is supposed to be my safe place.     I’m pretty sure I didn’t let him tuck me in that night. As I recall the SIL’s and I decided to do some celebrating and I  took a pretty long nap in  my guest bedroom furniture that was now The  Husbands bed, then woke up and came home after midnight.

In the morning I was still sad, and  PJ and I had a conversation I have mentioned in partial  before.  For ease I copy pasted this portion directly from that post, forgive the change in format.

LolaGW: wet face  (I’m crying)

PJGW: Oh no love

can i spend some time with you tonight?

LOLAGW: Probably

PJGW: ok

i want to

i wanna sit outside under the same sky and talk with you

LOLAGW: According to this PJGW guy you just want to fuck me lol

but sky sounds nice

PJGW:  well i want that too

but i got to put in my time before I can do that

LOLAGW: yep

i need to trust it’s real

PJGW: I know

we both got issues to work out tho

and were gonna work on them like a team

LOLAGW: Thats all i want to be

a team

PJGW: I know

now cheer up a lil doll

i dont like to see you hurt

or know you hurt

And we are back…

 me: deep breath

when later?

pj: hmm

can’t give you an exact time yet 10-11 ish

me: k

btw

i love this new method

pj: I knew you would

and I’m gonna take  a pic or two for you when I get home to spoil you

cause I haven’t help up my end

me: that makes me happy

cuz no you haven’t

pj: I know

you may get dirty julio tho

me:  oh yum ( sweaty tall dark and hairy Greek God is awesome)

pj:  k  got to run doll

me: k 

For the next however many days I am absolutely spoiled rotten.   PJ spoils me rotten both publicly and privately.   He takes yummy pg13 rated wet in swim trunks picks that he not only sends to me but also posts to  r/gonewild.

It is probably time to talk more about pics and PJ.  It’s Thanksgiving week so it will probably delay the progression of the story a little.  But it’s not like you don’t know how it ends lovies ;-).

I can count on less than one hand the number of times that boy posted on  Reddit.    None of them ever showed  his penis.  Those were reserved for me and i only ever got 2; yes bitches, it was fucking beautiful..duh..have you met me???   It was the first pics I’d gotten since end of  April when we  were at white hot and he sent me a pic of what I’d be spending time with later on cam.    The very first pic PJ ever sent me was in early April of him laying in bed and looking at me with his cute smile and bed head.     PJ was a pretty good photographer, it must of been the art  part of him.   I don’t have that many pics of him.   But the ones I do have mean something.  We spent a lot of time on camera together, you get used to seeing certain things.  It’s kind of like going over to someones house, the place starts to feel familiar. You may even become incredibly attached to a certain spot on a friends couch.  For PJ and I this was no different, just the view was more like watching the same TV show over and over.  The way the light  changes the view depending on the time of day.   When PJ sent pics they weren’t just random; I know you love to look at my nipples  baby so here they are every hour on the hour to the whole day; pics.   For the record I never did that, but I did once do a whole week of Bobbies on Reddit. yes, Bobbies.  I typed Boobies wrong the first day, and  everyone was already used to Lolaease, so I just went with the running joke and took the ribbing for the week.    PJ sent pics that were more art and emotion than lust.  Things like his hands making  a heart symbol,  the same one he’d make on cam in  the rooms for me, in front of everyone.   Or he’d send a pic of the moon, or the corn behind the barn that led to  the pond.  He’d send pics of his face and smile or him  leaving my  “spot” open in his bed.  The 2nd and last pic he sent me of his dick was not lust filled, it was emotional.   PJ laying in bed spent, drops of cum on his tummy in the morning light.  My favorite view.   PJ didn’t send pics to show me he how much I turned him on; oh-look I was thinking of you baby and my dick got hard.  He sent pics to tell me how much he was thinking of me.  Woke up this morning missing you.    I sent both kinds of pics to him, and probably at a ratio of 50 to 1 if a count was ever conducted.  It wasn’t, and all that electronic poison has been off my computer for some time.  I am going to share this with you though, (above). I am sharing because it is a beautiful, artful and emotional shot.   I share it because it does not divulge his identity and I share it because this hand signal is pretty universal.   This forum isn’t going to do it justice as it is a scan of a  hard copy removed from my journal.  So translation has been made twice.

I leave you with the J.E.W.  song for this post until next Thursday lovies. Please go have an amazing week with those  who you love and those who love you.


Almost Divorce- Part 19 PJ Steps it up a notch

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here

We left off last time here:

pj: I’m not forcing you to do anything but I’m asking you to wait and give me time.  

me: In non inflammatory tone…why should i

bc i melt when you smile

bc i can tell how you feel when you look at me

why should I PJ’s real name

pj: because it’s what I need to give you what you need

and i need

me: so i get to live in he doesn’t want me land while you work it out?

that’s a pretty big take one for the team

that’s a LOT of risk for ME

pj: yes becuase its so obv that i dont want you

me: stfu

pj: everyone can see that im not a fucking wreck

i dont get pms and emails asking me what’s wrong with me

me: you don’t?

pj: im so not in to you

no I get them all the time

everyone is bugging the shit out of me

me: and what do you tell them?

pj: that im a fucking mess

me: you know

pj: that i hurt the person i care about

me: if we are going to be a team

we will have to help each  other

but you’re asking a LOT from me

pj: most get it and one girl is too stupid to figure it out

me; no she is just a cunt 

you’ll have to back hand her with it

pj: lol

me:  you are asking a LOT from me and in return i get very little assurance that its going to be ok

pj:  ACA has been helping me out a lot with this tho since  Ruxy  ( ❤ you Ruxy) isn’t around to chat with

me: and what does she say

pj: all kinds of things

me: that you’re an idiot

pj: nah she has the same problem we have

she has a 33 yo Bf

and similar issues

me: she is like 19  ( ACA’s issues, which I have discussed with her as well are NOTHING like what PJ and I are dealing with. But I’m not about to say a damn thing about this because at least he is talking to someone about it. I know she has a decent head on her shoulders and is a good hearted girl so I’m not worried too much about it)

pj: yep

me: BIG difference

pj: i know

but emotionally very similar

me: if you have any hope of me weathering this you’re going to have to find a way to keep me reassured about it along the way.

pj: i know

can i see you tonight ( 2nd time he has asked in this conversation)

me: I WILL have doubt about it if it ever does start

bc I’m going to spend a fair amount of time in the beginning expecting you to change your mind ( doesn’t THAT sound like a fabulous beginning to an epic relationship??)

pj: that’s to be expected

me: you WILL have to earn it

pj: ok

me: I can’t let you tuck me in (but good Lord I want to)

I’m sorry 

pj: allright

me: It’s just going to make me think everything is going to be ok

pj: i understand

me: and it still won’t be

pj: allright

me: no it’s not really allright it fucking sucks

pj: no shit

welp now I’m late for work

I’ll talk to you later Lola’s real name

try to smile today you’re very pretty when you do

me: gee thanks

pj: …

me: im not in a good place right now babe

im just not

enjoy your day

pj: neither am I

And that was the end of it.  Off he went to work, I turned my attention to my work laptop and got to it.

This captured conversation is a fair example of how we communicated.  I would call this an open honest mature adult conversation.   I could of left off the “gee thanks”, he said sweet things all the time, including calling me sweets for an entire night once,  I shouldn’t of been so flip about it.   When PJ was communicating he was VERY good and communicating. We were very frank and open with each other, from the moment we met actually.  He started it with “Hey, that was my naked penis up there earlier” and  and this tone went on in our relationship till near the end, when I finally figured out he was fucking with me, optioning me, retreating in his  responses to my questions about his intent.  Yet sending me emails telling me  ” Sat by the bonfire tonight, was consumed with thoughts of you. ”     Hell, it could be he was simply just tired of having the same fight , tired of letting me down and not doing anything as fast as I wanted.  He may of even felt a little bit like the longer he took to get himself together the better he better be so the wait would be “worth” it to me and I wouldn’t get bored and leave him for the next 25 year Greek boy that flashed a smile my way.   With my inability to practice patience and with my high ability to make his dick hard and his eyes go soft it was probably just as fucked up a ride for him.  If that boy has any kind of working soul ( my prayer for him is always that God will give him what he needs) then his experiences with me left him both deeply enriched and immensely fucked up.    It’s funny when I started writing this story, roughly 5 months ago, I had a tiny handful of things I felt I could own regarding this relationship.   And now, well let’s just say it is a laundry list.  Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT blaming myself for what he did to me.  I did not deserve it.   I am just saying that I am finally in a place of forgiveness where I am also OK with recognizing how things may have felt and looked to him.  Because I am over it, I can see it with clearer eyes.  Liken it to  a cataract like film that gradual dissipates as you heal.   All those feelings of hate, and anger and desperation  that poison the version of truth you feed yourself start to clear.   I can see things from a higher elevation.   It’s nice up here.  I’m in  his unfinished karmic business.  But it is HIS business, not mine.  I’ve sorted and sifted through the rubble from the implosion with all the pieces I need to keep.  I’ve got some nice memories and some lessons learned.  At the end of the day  I can be happy with that.

When PJ left for work his g-chat went from  green to off.  We communicated through mostly g-chat so our lines of  communication were controlled individually.  If I was open  to talking to him I would be  on and green, or even green cam.   If he  was open to talking to me he would be on an green or even green cam.    There is also red for busy or red cam for cam is busy, as well as away and invisible.   Invisible we used often. At first so my husband wouldn’t see that we were chatting and camming and in the end to hide from each other while still  being able to talk to other friends.  Add in the layer of  plugins that allow you to broadcast your current music as status updates and you have the instruments for the  music of our  sometimes carefully orchestrated status dances .   We could ‘talk” to each other even when we weren’t talking TO each other.   Seeing someones feelings flash across your computer  every 3 minutes as their playlist  broadcasts can be intense.  When we were falling in love it was a beautiful lust filled swoon;  when in conflict a mix of revelry,  hope , resolution and despair. It’s probably the kind of thing the most annoying love sick teenagers do.   I can  admit I often felt like a love sick teenager.   Skype works  pretty much the same way.

Later that day  we were chatting  and  and camming.   He asked me twice in  the morning if he can tuck me in.  He knows that tucking me in is my absolute favorite thing.    If we had sex as much in person as we did on cam we would be on a 1-3x a day schedule. That is how lust driven this relationship was.  We wrapped it all with emotion, intimacy, vulnerability, honesty ( I thought), respect ( I thought), and love (he claimed, I lived in denial that I didn’t).  In specifically asking to tuck me in Paul was offering the thing he knew I liked most and the best he had to give, this was his  “I’m trying”.  I knew it, and he knew I knew it.  It was understood.   PJ and I had a very eerie in simpatico understanding of us from the perspective of knowing how we both moved through this intricate dance.   We knew us  and  I thought we knew each other.    The mood was lighter throughout the day.  We talked more about what PJ’s next steps might be.   He’s told me he is thinking about going to see a therapist because he has some things he wants to work on.     That his plan is to get his shit together and call me from area code (###) when he does.  So he shares is area code. (Anybody else got Luda going through their head?)   He later tells me the name of his home town.   He also shares the story of the lost baby that day.  We talk about it at length. I don’t think it really happened, but if it did I am quite certain it was awful. He went from corporately employed and about to be promoted,  living with,  engaged, and about to be a family with the woman he loved to dumped,  alone and in art school living in an apartment with another couple.  And they had a ton of mutual friends so it was everybody’s business.   That summer instead of opening wedding gifts and counting RSVP’s, he was living at home above the garage above his  Dad’s house,  working in a low wage shitty job.   He felt he gave this selfish girl everything  and in the end she chose money over  being with PJ where he wanted to go.   To say he was still heart sick 9 months after it ended would be an understatement. He had only very recently stopped hating her.   He had only recently been at rock bottom and he was only starting to be willing to try to climb out of it.  It could also be a part of why we so easily bonded.  We were what we each needed at the time. He needed someone to point him out to himself and educate him on how great he really was, and I needed someone to pay attention and nurture me.  He said more than once that something about you just keeps me coming back.   When it was working we clicked and hummed, we sharpened each other, we comforted each other, we brought each other pleasure, and supported each other.  We were in every emotional sense, great friends and  a couple.

That day he also tells me  all his friends call him PJ.   I do not like this.  No 39 woman wants a 25 year old boyfriend she has to introduce to her friends as PJ.    He might as well have boytoy tattooed on his forehead, or wear a scarlet B.   I already called him as my nickname for him.   I never once called him PJ, which is funny because I’ve been calling him that in this blog for so long that most of the time in my head he is PJ, not his real name. So I guess I’m calling him that after all.

That’s enough for today Lovies, more to come next  Tuesday, because I am not publishing a story about my Almost Divorce on Thanksgiving, even if I am quite thankful for the Almost Divorce and the opportunity to tell you my story.


Almost Divorce- PJ’s-Lola’s (my) Depression

7:00 Blank Page

Later  in the Morning:  Not  sure how this got published. To be honest I am surprised I havent accidentally published something early prior to this. It’s still in my head and apparently I planned to get it out onto paper by 7am this morning.

Um…yeah…  that didn’t  happen. 🙂

It’s a busy work day ,  but I’ll get it updated before I go to bed tonight.

Have a great day lovies, check back much later today !

Best,

Lola

7:50 PM  

Sitting down to finish this, I’ll put a closing statement at the end in case any of you wander in while I’m still writing and editing.

  I just got off the phone with Shorty.  I told her I needed to go write about Depression and  she said I  tricked her into making her coffee this morning.    We spent most of the conversation laughing and making fun of last Sat night and this was near the end of the conversation.  I teasingly told  her I was making an avante garde statement about the emptiness  and nothingness of depression.   She wasn’t buying it.   Even as I sit here writing this I wonder if I shouldn’t just go ahead and give you all this Thursday’s post a few days early. It’s been done since Sunday and next week’s is almost ready as well, though it won’t be publishing on Thanksgiving.   I know this post didn’t get done because I’ve been pondering how to respectfully tackle this topic.  It is important to me that I  navigate this properly and that I feel my heart is in the right place while I do it.  This is the filter I try to apply to all of my writing to come across properly in spite of the rawness and intensity of some of  the things  I choose to  share with you.

In that vein, I’ll divulge first before I tackle PJ.

Lola’s (my)Depression

This story from prologue to finish talks pretty openly about my mental state at the time things were happening.  I wasn’t in a good place way before I met PJ, but I don’t know that I would call that depression.  I am just a few weeks past weaning off Wellbutrin.  I have been on Wellbutrin or something like it on and off since I had MiniMe…… dinner’s here……….. and we are back.  You can’t spit in this town and not hit a school, a fire station or a mother on an antidepressant.   I started taking them because I was pissed off all the time.  This seems to be how “depression” manifests in me. I have always called them my anti-bitch pills.   I’ve heard a lot of other Mother’s say the same thing.  The battle we fight isn’t always one of grief depression, or can’t get out of bed or bathe or feed my kids depression; but rather, it’s OMFG if I have to get one more thing done against all of these daily obstacles and I have to repeat this how many fucking days in a row for the rest of my foreseeable future  I’m going to go postal on someone depression.   I’d like to try  to make a mothering version of the Chris Rock joke where he talks about ” I understand”, but I’d probably fuck the up the execution.   Some of us have  bodies that don’t make the right chemicals, I don’t think mine is one of those.  Right now I’m off the meds  after discussion with my PCP. But back when all of this was going on that was not the case.  Backs when this was going on I was up to Wellbutrin combined with Cymbalta.   I started the cocktail sometime in the early fall, shortly after Mother’s  Day I quit taking ALL of my meds.  At first it wasn’t on purpose, I’d forget, then notice I’d be especially emotional beyond whatever normal emotional was at the time.   So I’d do a better job of taking them and things would even out to normal emotional at the time.  The big issue with this was, normal emotional at the time, got worse and worse for me the more stress and calamity I brought into my life.   By sometime right after Mother’s day I felt that my poor  soul was at its maximum for managing of suckiness. It was SO BAD that I just wanted to be able to feel everything, if that even makes any sense.   I stopped taking  all my meds the week after I got back from  my weekend in  Texas.   ohhhh….noooo. wait.   I stopped taking them sometime in January and started back on the Wellbutrin only right after Mother’s day?  Hell, I’m not entirely sure.

The short point is I went off them for a time, then as I started to recognize that I  had some serious work to do to  center myself, I started back on the Wellbutrin. There were parts of this journey where I am almost numb with stress and grief.  Or maybe I was numbing the stress and grief.  I now can tell you that  I not only absolutely understand but have personally  had grief, pain, sadness, frustration, anger, confusion and shock to the point that when I cried it felt like my heart was trying to crack layer after layer of hardness open so it could let the pain out.  I have cried to the point of  moaning in  what I described in my journal as,   My sobs almost sound like sad orgasms. They are deep and emotional and breath stopping.   Later I figured out I was keening.   Orgasms of Sadness.  The intensity of the best thing you feel used to amp up the worst thing you feel.   I wrote this almost a month after he vanished.   Here is a mid-late August PJ quote  just so you know I meant everything I said.   At that time my heart was at how is that even possible.  At this time my heart is at  “It is what it is, so now what” .   

The mid range point  is I started back on my meds and to my journey of emotional stability well before PJ started his.  I made faster progress, so I was always the one ahead of the game.   We both knew this and it was part of the way we talked with each other.  I was the (mediocre) mentor of progress.   PJ and I were equals in self awareness of our issues.  I’ve talked before about how those were unpacked and   mutually reviewed.  This, in part, is how I came to know so many intimate things about PJ.   It is these intimate things, as well as the other minute details, that make it so hard for me to believe that all of what we went through was lies and manipulation.  Can you even imagine the amount of mental work that it would take to DO that?  I can’t.   The only kind of person capable of that kind of evil manipulation for nothing more than  free internet penis/pussy is a sociopath.  A sociopath could easily fake depression.  I have touched on this before, but I cannot out rightly tell you that I think PJ is a sociopath.  He might be.   He might also be a young, scared, what are you a fucking idiot, who made some really bad choices.   It doesn’t matter to me. I’m going to treat him the same way.  Hell, I’m probably treating him better now than I ever did then,  because I’m in a place of forgiveness.   I’m in a place of forgiveness where I can see my own mistakes and see more of what he may of felt.   I can not only see how he might of felt, but I can do that without losing my temper  or my confidence. most of the time.   I talk more about this in Thursday’s post; part of why I considered giving it to you early in place of this one.   And if he is a sociopath  he isn’t the first person to try to destroy me and fail.  It is natural for me to be curious about who  he really is. I’m ok with carrying that curiosity.  I’m thankful (#12) that it no longer consumes me.  That’s “what giving up gives you, where giving up takes you. I have and I’ve been”   means for me.  I only wish I’d given up sooner.  Not sooner before he vanished, sooner after he was gone. I’m a girl and this was my largest heartbreak.  I carry him with me  in the inner chambers with the others.  I’m content with that.

PJ’s depression will have to be another post Lovies, or I will simply do a better job of weaving it into the story where it applies.  Right now  I’m going to listen to the new Blink 182 Neighborhoods and play some Words  With Friends on Facebook.

Mwah ❤


11/11/11 11:11 11 Points of Thanks

 

Thanks for reading!

I didn’t have this nice little Date and Time combo on my radar until my  old co-worker and FB buddy MMA pointed it out.  It’s the perfect combo for a date post, and since it in November, the month of thankfulness, here are 11 people and things I am thankful for.

  1. God:  For all those times random bits of money show up in my mailbox just when I need them. For staying near me during the worst  parts of my life and for being there in the little moments of joy. For answering prayers and for creating the world I  get so much enjoyment from.   For allowing me to learn lessons on my own schedule and for not leaving me during the process.  For the Moon, sunshine, wind, rain and oceans. For creating nature and animals in all of their glory and wonder.
  2. MineMe and The Destroyer:  For thinking I hung the moon no matter how many mothering mistakes I make.  For their fierce independence and attitude. For their sense of humor and their love for each other.  For little bony bodies  wrapped around mine in caterpillar hugs.  The joy of seeing the little people they are becoming as they make their own way in the world of school and friends.    Even for the sometimes feels like constant whining, fighting and pokiness when we are in a hurry.  Because it means they are here, with me, to drive me crazy.  For the times they surprise me with  a new way they process and react to something.   For the way they make me laugh, the way they make me cry, even the way they push me to scream and yell.  For family time snuggles on the couch.   They are wise beyond their years, they are intelligent, funny, genuine, sweet and learning to be responsible.  They are both growing into fine people and I am so very proud to be their Mother. For their love.
  3. The Husband:   For doing the work on himself so we could realistically work on us. For knowing all the nooks and crannies of my soul and loving me anyway. For taking the time with me to craft  this new portion of our life together with thought and purpose.    For the way it feels when he calls me “Beautiful Girl”. The way he chooses to serve us as a  Father, co-provider, chef, taxi driver, date night planner, garden helper.  For the times he goes way out of his way to be a hero to our kids,  finding creative ways to retrieve lost treasures, tinker with and fix ride-ons and gaming systems. For keeping our home netwrok humming and me in shows and music. For morning snuggles and long talks.  For learning to appreciate my love of outdoors, for being tall, dark and hairy!   For his ability to calm all of us. For his love and loyalty.
  4. Bad Gurls: Lefty:   For  Lefty’s one liners out of nowhere that send you to the floor in tears of laughter.   For her ability to sum things up in ways and communicate them in a manner that gets the point across but doesn’t judge you.  For teaching me to just breathe, to not beat myself up so much, for being my sounding board on matters of conscience.  For her voice of reason, for her countless hysterical stories.   For her loyalty and love.  One-eye:    For One-Eye’s ability to laugh at herself and at the rest of us. For the way she served her family way beyond the call of duty and still finds joy in doing it. For the way she listens, for the way she  loves, for her beautiful humanness, her capacity to forgive others endlessly.   For her ability to be dirty and raunchy and also perfectly respectable. For the giving nature. For her loyalty and love
  5. SIL:  For stepping out of my life as graciously as she could when I was divorcing her brother and coming back in first and with open heart and arms when we started putting things back together.   For all our lengthy heart felt emotional and vulnerable garage talks. For making me laugh and smile. For  trading concerts with me as my concert buddy. For being there while things were falling apart, she knew more truth than The husband at a lot of points,  for being there as they got put back together. For being there for her brother and my kids while we were separated.  For being an A-hole so I can be the B-hole.
  6. Dr. Dre: for his long term friendship. for the countless ours of joint therapy we provide each other. For being my confidant, me sometimes enable, my checkpoint and a male POV.  For  getting it, for no topic ever being off limits.  Foe knowing how my mind works, when to push and when to leave it be.
  7. Shorty: For allowing me into her her life that one random GNO night and opening up and talking about her experiences, for sharing her secrets. For spending time shopping, or getting pedi’s. For the fun we have while out galavanting in the bar districts. For her shortness nest to my tallness, for her constant smile and easy laugh.  for her taste in  wine and vodka!
  8. MiniBoobs:  For being able to pick up where we left off, no matter how much time has passed.  For her design and decor sense of taste, so different than mine, but so her and so sophisticated.  For willingness to openly share the foibles of her life and for  the role she played during the almost divorce, letting me cry, letting me scream. For telling me that  I wasn’t crazy.  For her love and loyalty.
  9. Besties:  For ALL my besties, they bring so much joy into my life.  They teach me about resilience, and strength.  Because they are good friends,  mothers, wives.  For the hell we raise together and  the dissapointments and battles and burdens  they  share and gain strength from.  For the love they show and they wisdom they share. For their love and loyalty
  10. MUSIC: Oh music.  For all the  artists who create the songs that move me. For  touring so I can see them live. For making music I can dance, jump, shout, cry and rejoice with.
  11. Running: I haven’t been doing it much lately, but it is the single best thing I can do for myself on a regular basis besides appreciate the moment.