This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
This post could also be titled, Living well is the best revenge.
Let’s see where were we? Oh yes, darkness to day. It’s August 25 2010 and I am numb with grief. Life must go on as it always does when things come to an end, and as I stumble through it my mind is racing with thoughts of PJ. Realizations are hitting me both in a slow creep and a massive stab to the heart. My body has been trained to melt with lust when it thinks of him and my heart was so hopeful that things were going to be ok. It’s a combination of; Ok then, let’s pick ourselves up and move on, who was that masked man, and OMG WTF just happened to me. My soul needs to make sense of this, but as Tab told me, Sociopaths don’t make sense. I am alternating waiting for the other shoe to drop in his return and explanation and knowing that he is never ever ever ever ever ever coming back. Yep, mission accomplished, I am thoroughly mind fucked. I go through all the stages of grief, sometimes weaving in and out of one to the other and back again. I can only assume since he is choosing not to prove his innocence as quickly as possible that he is indeed guilty. But of what? Which things were lies and which things were truth? And then the hits start coming, sometimes it’s many in a day, sometimes it’s not for a few days.
The first hit: He owns a hand gun. He knows where I live. He has talked about putting me in his pit and joked on more than one occasion about chloroform. I don’t feel safe. That is such a great feeling to have when you are sleeping alone in a 5 bedroom house. At least I had benefit of an alarm system, a dog and good friends. Nothing like the first thought of your ex being concern that he is going to actually harm you. That felt great.
My previously mentioned emergency counseling session with Tab yields the following nuggets and to do’s.
- I have to create an answer I can live with
- I need to remember what I know about me, just because he did this doesn’t mean I’m not who I am.
- I have been violated and it is simply just not fair
- Suffering tempers us, ruin paves the way for transformation. In hind sight this is absolutely true and I would not be where I am in this moment, if PJ hadn’t done what he did. I am a better woman with a better marriage.
- My wondering=he wins.
- Maybe he truly was just that afraid. I have to find the pieces that fit.
So a few short days after he is gone I sit down one night and put on the BGP. I have spent 48 hours spinning and in reviewing the last few weeks before he vanished it is clear to me that the end was near and he was leaving clues. It is clear even that short time later that he is a sociopath and is likely married or at the very least has a girlfriend. So many little things all fit together and make sense now. My heart was in ruins, I wondered if I would have to go back to my husband simply because I would never be able to trust another man again. That sure sounded like a solid plan to reconciliation. That last sentence is sarcasm in case you people haven’t figured out when I’m kidding yet. I was pissed because I have more work to do and I’m fucking tired of doing work on myself. It is hard and exhausting. Some part of me promptly rejects the sociopath explanation because I don’t want it to be true. I know now that it is. I’ve come to that conclusion and acceptance of the conclusion. I have forgiven myself and Paul Jay Mathis.
By the third or so day the reality of the situation and what it may have cost starts to set in. I haven’t asked my ex if he is still interested in reconciliation because we were HOURS away from divorce when all of this went down. He may not agree to go back to marriage counseling, he may not agree to anything. I could be looking at a zero sum game here and I don’t even know what I want to do yet.
Here are some things I learned about Sociopaths based on my internet reading and one book I checked out of the library. I want to say the premier author on this subject is Martha White, but I’m not writing a term paper so I’m not bothering to look it up again. The information I found was very enlightening and helpful. And also very scary. I have an real life PJ example I could give you for almost every one of these things. Many of these are direct quotes from my reading.
- 1 out of every 25 people are Sociopaths, scary isn’t it.
- Sociopaths have no conscience, they cannot distinguish between right and wrong.
- They don’t EVER actually feel remorse or bad about what they do, they learn to fake it along with faking other emotions like sadness or love.
- They are often VERY good at faking it, often enigmatic, beautiful, sexy, successful people.
- They know when they are doing it that they do not love you, they are incapable of love.
- They are certified monsters, once their magic has had its effect there is only you and GOD left to pull out of that hole. TRUE DAT.
- They are not working with all their marbles, but often you feel like to admit such is to admit you are missing marbles too. This one totally explained why I felt CRAZY all the time when I was with him. He once told me, Oh i’m crazy doll, you know that. It was August when he told me that.
- Knowing that you will always return to them is what gives them a kick.
- They keep asking for another chance
- Control is their drug, it drives them it is like cocaine in their system and they need a victim.
- They are pathological liars, who are impulsive and tend to be alcoholics or drug abusers
- They claim crying
- In the back of your mind you know something is wrong, very wrong
- Do you think you’re in a never ending cycle of pain, where you feel as if you can’t free yourself of the relationship? Why yes, thank you very much I do!!!!
- You love him, can’t live without him, but being with him is one of the greatest tortures you’ve ever known.
- Vulnerable, single or divorcing/ed women are their PRIME TARGETS!!!!!!!!
- They have antisocial tendencies
- They can’t hold down a steady job.
- They suffer from low self esteem.
- They have been the victim of many situations, if not all
- They want you to feel as low as they feel about themselves and worse
- Being with them is mental horror and abuse
- If you are lonely and needy you are a big target, you are the only one who udnerstands him now
- Seldom admits they have a problem
- Low grade sociopaths start around age 15
So here is the deal. I am going to finish up this post about PJ and then we are not talking about him again. At least not in detail. We are going to focus on my reconciliation and then we will be done with this story.
I cried and thought my way through September, October, and November about him. The first Tuesday in December 2010, I was walking into or out of work, and I was having a conversation with God. As my feet hit the pavement I was demanding that GOD bring him back and make him look me in the eye and give me an explanation. I got home from picking MiniMe up from Girl Scouts that night to an IM informing me that PJ had shown up in Skype. I almost puked, but I held it together long enough to have a knee jerk reaction and request him as a contact, with a simple It is about time comment. Roughly 3 days later he accepted that contact request and then NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO SAY. I was told, but did not see that he actually went into chat one day and cammed up. I was told he was given a less than friendly reception from those that knew him. I had told more than a few people what happened. I started my 2nd chat career out of chasing PJ into chat that December. And I didn’t get out again until right before Memorial Day 2011. I thought about him every single one of those days and wondered if he was lurking in chat and watching me. The Big Guy happened in that time space and he was my rebound online relationship. As in replacing old memories with new ones, rebound relationship. I will not be giving any details about The Big Guy or any insight into that relationship or my feeling about it or him. I will simply tell you that my 2nd chat career ended when I….recognized that I wanted to be done with all of the bullshit and actually start some serious work to heal properly, decided to end it with The Big Guy when it became apparent that he didn’t understand no meant no and didn’t care to bother owning his actions. The same night I ended it, The Husband found out about him, but he understood that The Big Guy was merely a symptom of chasing after Paul. We came away from that set back and that part of our story in is our past. I’m a very lucky, very grateful woman. I could be in dead in a pit right now. Instead I am very much alive and writing this blog for your entertainment and education.
Living well is the best revenge and I am most certainly choosing to live well
More to come soon Lovies.
- Psychopath Vs Sociopath (mademan.com)
- Sociopaths and Psychopaths: Can They Be Cured? (robertlindsay.wordpress.com)
- Sociopath – are you one? (insideasanemind.com)
- Love and Illusion: You Could be Dating or Married to a “Social Sociopath”: How Would you Know? (prweb.com)
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
So here it was 3:46 in the afternoon. I send the why did you chose to ruin my life and how could you be so evil for nothing email. I don’t even have to wonder what is going to happen next, I already know the answer. It has been foretold many weeks prior, PJ is going to run.
And that is exactly what PJ does. He does not choose to respond in any manner, he does not choose to apologize or set the record straight, he does not choose to say Yep, haha, gotcha dumb bitch. He simply chooses to completely vanish leaving all questions and lies intact. I’ve started telling a few close friends what happened as it begins to set in. PJ faked his identity and when I caught him, he vanished. That is the truth and it is my standard answer I find myself repeating over many more times than I would like in my life. I’m on the phone with Sunshine around 6ish as I start to check for signs of life. This involves going into Reddit and looking around and sending emails I don’t want to send to accounts I know are going to come back as bounced because they no longer exist. PJ deleted his Reddit posts, he deleted his Reddit GWP account. I’m sure he kept the other creeper or legit accounts, but I have no idea what those are. He does not delete the comments he has placed on my previous posts, I thought that was a nice touch. He deleted his newest “real” Gmail account, he deleted his email@example.com account. He cannot delete his Skype account b/c Skype does not allow that. He will choose to use that little tool to fuck with me some more in December.
The details of the next couple of days are kind of fuzzy. I don’t know if I had the kids or not. I know I was in utter shock and the waves of emotion were gathering under the surface. I was almost in a daze, there was a lot of crying but also just utter confusion as my brain started to try to make any kind of sense about how to handle this situation and still function. I know I had an emergency session with Tab. Is he a sociopath or a psychopath?, I ask her. Yes, he probably is, she replies. We talk about how there isn’t going to be any closure for me in this situation. Part of my punishment for being the one to end his sick game, is robbing me of what he knows I wanted most after him, closure. Sociopaths get their kicks from the torture and control, from the havoc they can unleash in your life , in your heart and soul. They get their kicks from creating chaos and pain for you and they don’t like it when their toys are taken away. Is my love Paul one of those? Yes, in my opinion he was/is. It’s a conclusion I fought every step of the way, but I knew it from the very minute I figured out I was being played and I’ve come to accept it through time, distance and writing this blog. That man tried to destroy me for his own personal pleasure. What he succeeded in was fucking with me and causing me as much pain as possible for as long as he could, and then leaving in a way that would set me up to mind fuck myself for him for another lengthy time period. And it worked, because I spent at least 15 months getting over something that only lasted 5. Tab explains to me that I am going to have to figure out what the end of the story is all by myself. I will have to process it, heal from and come to a landing place that will provide me the closure that I need. She does not expect that he will ever come back, ever tell me any kind of “truth” and ever care what he did to me. I am merely a discarded broken plaything that won’t cooperate and is no more fun. The fact that he called me “doll” is only more poignant.
What is it like to have a relationship where the guy tells you he loves you and you think he hung the moon and then he vanishes in the middle of lies? I was talking Shorty’s ear off in our hotel bed last Saturday night about just this very topic. I haven’t experienced any of these things I am going to compare this to, but in a few sentences I hope I have conveyed my point. I imagine it is similar to finding out after your husband dies that he is a child molester and the child he was molesting was your own. I imagine it is similar to how the character Anita Shreve created in The Pilot’s Wife felt when her husband was killed in a plane crash and he had a whole 2nd family stashed somewhere. I imagine it is similar to losing the love of your life while he was committing some horrible act, like fucking a hooker in crackytown and then getting shot by her or his pimp. Heinous acts have been committed against your very soul, and the perpetrator is gone and will never answer your questions. Intent can never be determined, apologies are not coming, healing and the path to forgiveness is all on you, except you are currently in some state of broken. Darkness over day. It is the largest destruction of my heart I have experienced. I’m proud to be intact and sane today.
I put my divorce on hold because I quickly come to understand that I must sift through the last 22 week of my life. I must examine and evaluate every tiny little thing that I have done that is related to PJ from start to finish. The Husband is in agreement with this plan. It isn’t a plan of we are getting back together. It is, I don’t know what just happened to me and I need time. The deluge of pain is coming, but for now I’m still in shock. The mental hits are on their way, but in those first few days all I did was cry, mostly whenever no one was looking, write things down as they began to creep into my brain or hit me from no where and ferociously research sociopaths. My friends were all very happy he was gone and the lack of sympathy I received for the situation was simply astounding. After all, they already knew all of this, I was the last one on board and I am guessing in their minds it was nothing but a good thing, my pain be damned. In fact, I often felt like I was expected to simply get over it, stop talking about it, pretend it never happened etc. I don’t do well with being told I’m not allowed to feel or act a certain way. I was left to heal mostly on my own. My grief was tolerated at a bare minimum. Only a very few would even entertain a conversation or not shut me down in some way with verbal or physical clues that they were not the slightest bit interested in hearing anymore. It was like, It was all fake what the fuck is your problem, just move on. I even had one friend laugh in my face, twice, while she told me that I was just mad that I was played. That felt great. It certainly did take me a very long time to get over it and refusing to continue to be silenced by choosing to start writing this blog helped. The moral of the story here is stay the fuck off the anonymous side of the internet and if you choose to go there willingly may GOD be with you because once you are entangled in whatever it is you find there, HE will be the only one that will be able to help you get out.
More to come soon lovies.
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
So I started my journal, and used it to write down what I was feeling. The more I wrote, the better I started to feel. Monday night after PJ returned from his trip I found myself in chat and we started talking. We spent over 2 hours that night, just the two of us alone and chatting. It was 8/9/10 and we spent 11:12 together during that conversation. He was all <3’s and I adore you’s. I asked him what kind of a man he was, I told him God had been talking to me and shared some of my revelations from those summer showers. It was a great night, with good open honest adult conversation and PJ re-iterated that “something about you always brings me back”. We weren’t having any sexy time, it was all words from here on out until the end. The week progressed in a interesting manner. School was starting for MiniMe and I knew PJ was headed back to school as well. I logged into GWP on Wednesday and cammed up just to hang and talk to some of my friends. While I was in there PJ was cammed up, but not on camera. Instead was a view of some suitcases and him walking around packing. He saw me on cam before I could close it, but we did well and did not talk. On Thursday morning I was told he watched the meteor showers all night and missed me in the morning. Friday came, his last weekend home before heading back to school. The morning chat was no good, but by the afternoon when we talked we spent time reminiscing about our first e-date so many months ago. PJ was headed to the pond that night. There was a pond near his house that was good for swimming and reflecting, it was one of our created places of escape in the beginning. We often talked about being at the pond alone and together. Pond dreams was often a code word to symbolize that happy safe place when we were struggling. He was headed there to spend some alone time, I assumed before he went back to school. Saturday we spent time chatting and we were having a pretty great conversation. HE said it was n’t the happy place of escape he had hoped it would be. I imagine not when your life has been one lie after another for 5 solid months. I made a comment about we hadn’t had a Saturday where we talked and spent time together in forever, he ended the chat abruptly with “It’s sad too, because I’m going now” . I had long since stopped grabbing at bait like that, I said nothing and let it be. I wanted to scream, where are you going? But I don’t. 3:13 in the morning I got this simple message “do want”.
Sunday night I get a call from The Husband, we needs Mini Me’s lunchbox for school the next week. I run it over to his apartment, I’ve made that night drive more than a handful of times to sneak in, spend some time alone answering his numerous booty calls and then sneak back out. In all of those times I’ve never been caught there by my kids. I knock and he answers, I hand him the lunch box and out of n o where The Destroyer appears at the door. He looks up at me with those sweet brown eyes and says “I want to go home Mommy”. He is clinging to me and crying, he wants to come home and sleep. I’m floored as it hits me, I have banished my children to an apartment for half of their lives. I did this, with help, to my family, to my sweet innocent children. I mutter something as I back away from the doorstep and run to my car. I don’t know how I made the short drive home that night because the breakthrough breakdown was in full progress. I did this to my children, for what? There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I was chasing, there is no PJ coming into my life, there is no happy ending here. I honestly think I moved from denial that night. I was healthier, I was stronger, I was ready for the pain I asked God to bring and get me through. That pain was coming in waves and waves of screaming and crying and frustrated ranting. As soon as I get home I only tkae notice of how very very empty and alone this huge house feels with only me in it. I start writing. I am alone and my soul is black, my heart is hard and angry and the cracks are starting to rupture. I am alone and I can finally start to see all of the crappy, shitty, douchebag dick moves PJ has pulled since we began. My heart is breaking for my kids, my heart is breaking for me. It is breaking because of what PJ has done to me, but I fucked this up myself. That night it hit me how very much NOT WORTH it the whole journey with him has been. I am still trying to figure out how I feel about PJ, I am trying to give myself permission to let him go, to walk away, to run away as far and fast as I can and never look back. That night for the first time in many, many weeks I think about the possibility of going back to my husband. He has started going to his own counseling, he is still willing and asking to work with me on repairing our marriage and make us a whole family again. I don’t know if I can love him again, I don’t know if he can ever forgive me. The sobbing and crying and keening goes on for what seems like hours.
Monday comes and my mind starts to focus. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of being this person, it just isn’t me. I hate feeling weak, sad and taken advantage of. I write ” It’s time to let this go and turn it over to GOD b/c he is probably the only one who can fix it at this point”. I get down on my knees in my home office, my chair is my altar and I pray.
PJ is still saying and doing things like he wants to be with me, even going as far as to make a big deal about noting what kind of flowers I like to be sent, pink roses or peonies. When he says, duly noted, my response is something along the lines of Yeah right, you can’t even call but you want to send flowers?
I started reading Eat, Pray, Love late that summer. That book couldn’t of come at a better time in my life. At first reading it was a little sickening and scary, this woman left her husband for the younger man and it didn’t even remotely work out. Everything I am reading is like she is sitting with me telling me her personal story and it all sounds like warnings and I told you so’s. Many many pages of that book talked to me and it was all perfect timing. There is a part in the story where she realizes that a friend she is trying to help is fucking with her. She writes about coming to that realization. I am going to see the movie by myself on Thursday, but it is Tuesday and I have an appointment with Tab. I’m down to bi-weekly and we discuss the current situation. She suggests that I ask PJ what kind of relationship he wants. So later that day I do exactly that. He has already returned to school and should already be in classes, but he isn’t showing up in the student or staff databases yet. He had to know I would be checking. His answer….I want you in my life in some way. I’m not htinking of the future. I can’t handle much more than just what we have right now. This floors me, I don’t know what we have right now, to me it feels like nothing. he follows with, The future kind of blows my mind at the moment. I’m mostly focusing on the past. He is getting dismissive and distant again, only this time I start to see it for the game that it is. All sorts of memory flashbacks throughout my life start to hit me. Men I’ve been in similar situations with, men I gave and gave and gave to only to continually get nothing in return. Men who just weren’t into me but either took advantage of me because they were d-bags or lied to try to make it easier on themselves. I am growing bored and tired of his games and at the same I I am upset he is pulling away again and so I start to chase him just a little with pictures. They get zero response. Wed night he is in GWP, but he isn’t green on g-chat and he has nothing to say to me. I’ve sent emails and he isn’t responding, even though in the last week he has said to me that he wants to be better about that.
On Thursday I go and watch Eat, Pray, Love alone. This is for the best because I cry through a good portion of it, during that movie it hits me. I AM BEING FUCKED WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start to wrestle with what has been so obvious to everyone but me. PJ isn’t going to be calling, he isn’t going to be visiting on weeks I don’t have kids. I need to leave that be, I need to let go, I need to be free of his games and his lies. If I let go and move on I can have my heart back, just like that curly haired stick figure wanted all those weeks ago. I need to stop being so ate up over this mere child I had no business even talking to in the first place. It is Thursday the 19th of August and I am finally “there”. He is nice guying me, he has no balls to admit to me that he doesn’t see me in his future. WTF is “some way”? I am the back-up plan, he is hedging his bets, he is optioning me, he is FUCKING WITH ME!!!!!!! I cry myself to sleep that night.
Friday morning I wake up early because I have a go-live to prep for. It is still crystal clear for me. Everyone can see I am being fucked with but me. I see it now. He pops up on g-chat with some lame shit about “yeah we made it to Friday”. I don’t bite, I’m busy prepping for ago-live I tell him, if you have something to say then talk, otherwise I have things to get done. He isn’t exactly engaged in the conversation HE started. By Friday night I am sicker than a dog with a horrible cold/flu and pretty much confined to bed all weekend only rising to check on the kids and make sure they haven’t hurt themselves or anything else. I don’t know how single parents do it. I had my breakdown less than a week ago on the 16th and God is working furiously and quickly in me.
More to come soon Lovies.
A timeline can be found here.
All good times with PJ must come to an end. Without end there would be no roller coaster ride. On the 20th of July, probably after a therapy session, I did something. I honestly don’t remember what that something was. I have details of the things that happen next, when everything imploded I started to put it all together backwards. I know from this moment on I start to pull away in bigger steps. I had to of pushed the point of being together again, but I imagine it had a different spin this time. I think that spin was probably something along the lines of I’m moving on, you need to figure out if you’re ready to lay it all out on the line. I know I did it on a Tuesday and I know I chose that day because he would have his therapy on Thursday. I think this had something to do with me telling me he needed to answer a question, and assuming it would take conversation with his therapist to do. I also knew he would choose NOT to discuss whatever it was with his therapist. I knew he would simply completely ignore that I even sent those emails and would just wait for a time when he could get me to talk to him again. Even at the end of this roller coaster trip I was already getting up and turning around to see how quickly I might get back on the ride again. I had ridden it so many times I knew what to expect. I knew it was over and the only remaining question was, “will I still be available and open to PJ if he comes to find me”. The crux of that still being, If PJ had come to find me as a man with a verifiable identity and just chosen to be himself; why yes I am available to be patient while you get your shit together. I wasn’t asking for the perfect flawless man. I just wanted him to fearlessly be himself and and to want to be with me. I had somehow closed the door with a gentle edict of go get your shit together and then come find me because I can’t really wait any longer for you to figure this all out. I probably said something like If you’d like to open up and pour your heart out to me I’ll consider speaking to you before your shit is together. I probably sent it in an email, which he probably ignored, and I probably sent another email, which he also ignored. I was no longer willing to ignore the cycle, I wanted to get off the ride. I was tired of always feeling this way, it was awful and emotional exhausting and time consuming. There was never a happy ending at the end of the ride, and we had started amending them, they were getting dangerously close to something like what actually happened. The summer is coming to a close, PJ has to move back to wherever school is by mid-august. He is a teaching grad-student in art at a school 45 minutes from me, rememeber.
I know I did it on the the 20th, because I have the first notation of “little things” listed on the 22 and I had already checked one of those faster way over is under items from the list. That’s the day OGC learned I was not bad out of bed via phone either. I needed to screams someone else’s name , and he was the lucky recipient. Ramen Noodles on sale at Kroger have already made me cry and the damn moon is as big as a fucking saucer. I also know that I made and sent a voice memo to PJ. I’m just sitting there talking and it is basically good luck, good bye. Even then I needed closure. I really think I started chasing the closure then. If i’d just ognored himw hen he pulled the nuke the first email stunt I never would of been in this mess, but here I was. At the end you can tell I am breaking down to cry, but I don’t actually get there before I end it. I do not believe I ever let Paul see or hear me psychically cry. He has seen me freshly after a few good cries, I have told him I did cry or am crying. But I never let him see me do it. If he did it was a pure frustrated at The Husband cry and didn’t have anything to do with him. I have never seen PJ cry, but I have seen tears in his eyes. He tells me about not being able to get to sleep or stay asleep and crying about/for/over me all the time. Classic sociopaths like to do a lot of boohoo-ing over how bad they feel when they hurt you. I didn’t realize I as allowing PJ to repeatedly emotionally rape me until about a month after he vanished. VinD explodes after I make a comment about being willing to hear PJ’s side of the truth. “That dude emotionally raped you for 5 months, why would you even talk to him?”. When he put it in those terms to me I was shocked, because he was right. Realizing that sucked. When I sent that audio clip I figured it was the closest thing I was going to get to closure with PJ. I knew he wasn’t going to do anything differently from before and suddenly become a flowing fountain spewing nothing but facts and words to make me swoon. There was never a ” I love you enough to be motivated to actually touch you, Lola“, moment coming for me. I will only tell you this, not getting the guy you wanted is a whole lot different from finding out he was some creeper making the whole thing up. And that you will never know who he really is even though he made drastic impressions on your life. I probably sent that audio over the weekend and went on with my life. I started doing some online research about online relationships and how that plays out in real life. One idea given was to stay away from the online person for 8 week. 8 week with zero online contact. At the end of that time you could meet and decide if you still wanted to pursue things in touchable life. This sounded like a good tool to use to assist with breaking free of PJ so I discussed it with Tab. I wanted to add one more level and also not allow The Husband to talk to me about getting back together. I knew my final divorce date would pass within this 8 weeks, the first month of school would pass before the end of this 8 weeks. It would be 8 weeks where I could just get to be me getting on with my life, and wherever worthwhile it was going to take me.
On July 27 late in the evening, I have this conversation with PJ, it is here thanks to OCR software so there are still some typos in it, .
PJ M <stillnotPJy@gmail.com>
me: Id like to try not to talk to you for about 8 weeks
PJ: ok if that’s what you need
me: you know what i need
PJ: i know
me: but i know us
PJ: thats why im trying to stay off
me: you know us too
PJ: i know
me: well baby step adn next thing you know well be right back here
and each time its gets more and more permananet
PJ: i know
me: not much more permanent left
PJ: i know there isnt
me: scary place
me: can see the lure of the light on the other door
but can’t stop looking behind me
seeing my pic on gwp really really hurt me
SIDE NOTE: I had gone back into GWP with a new user account to check things out prior to giving the 8 weeks edict. While there I had a surprise of PJ posting pics on GWP. One of them had been a pic he sent to me with an email titled in the morning I think of you. It was a naked back of PJ’s body facing the corner edge of the bed and my empty spot next to him. I did not enjoy finding that on GWP, nor did I enjoy reading the flirting all over it. There was also another post, of a picture I’d never seen before and in it PJ has a full beard. Seeing those things and being able to take notice of what he’d been up to while I was gone had opened my eyes even further. Holes were starting to form in PJ. It was also near here, not in December that I go back into Skype and see his contacts have shot from 12 to 25 while I was out of chat. So he has doubled his Skype list while pretending to be PJM. He has been busy while I haven’t been watching and I don’t like it because it makes me insecure about how many other girls he must be camming with.
PJ: im sry
not my best decision
me- completely ruined the last bit of good
i forgive you
PJ: thank you
me: did i make you feel that way when i r randomly posted some of your things
me: im sorry
PJ: its ok
me: i probably had more mlaice intended than you did
i know where to hit
always i know wher to hit
me: i htink thats why i love boxing so much
me: so has it been ciroc
PJ: alot of everything (Sociopaths are often alcoholics or drug abusers, but then again so are depressed people)
me: shakes head
PJ: anything i could get my hands on –
PJ: let me loose time for a while ( It’s LOSE dumbass, not loose)
PJ: so i dont have to think or worry
dont have to remeber
me: remember what
me: hows that working out for you baby
PJ: not the best
me: you’re way past due the talk you owed me
PJ: i know
me: im not pleased
PJ: i tried to unplug
PJ: and i didnt come back thur
me: you tried to drink yourself into cant speak
PJ: that too
me: the guy i adored knows what the right thing to do is
and almost always does it
youre not him
PJ: no im not
me: youve moved to MY left of center
take that in
PJ: i am
me: its time you got off your ass and did the work, enough with the pit of despair
PJ: im going to
me: dont going
i know neither of us likes it this way
me: are you able to level with me yet, pour it all out
PJ: i dont know what to say Lola
me: tell me what you feel
PJ: i feel that i cant keep draging you back
me: and what else
PJ: right now thats all i can do ,
there is time before i can move forward
to a point that you are at
me: youre acknowleding you would like me to abstain from burning every memory i have of you in effigy… and all you can muster is you don’t want to drag me back>
me: are you drunk, stoned or in fucking tc PJ
me: fine, go on
PJ: lately no matter how hard i try i cant not dream of you
or go my day without thinking something about you
10:55 PM me: do you remember them yet
PJ: my dreams?
PJ: not fully
they allways have somthing to do with us spending timetogher
me: be everything in you wants me with you
minus the pit of despair
PJ: i know
me: stop addint that TO the pit of despair and go do your fucking work
i orderd that book last night at 2am
me: right after listening to me say goodbye for the 500th time
me: why do you keep listening to that
me: what are you getting out of it emotionally
PJ: not sure
me: well how do you feel when you do it
PJ: bad for hurting you the way i have
me: anything else
me: greiving sad?
my emotions are all fucked latley
me: no kidding
PJ: not that i can think of right now
but i dont really want to listen to it again
ive gone all day wiht out
me: so when you reach for the button to pushpay, what are you looking forward ot doing?
have you stopped lisneting to other things too
you need to disconnect ME from eveerything that sex is about for you
me: its a lot harder to do than youd think
PJ: i know
me: ive been trying
cleansing you from my bed, my fapping, my sex
im like 1 for 3
PJ: farther along than me
i still sleep in the corner
think of you in the morning
me: you can fix that when youre back in muncie
i doubt you ever did that there
PJ: did last time i stayed there
last weekend when i took a nap
the time before
me: was it hard walking in to early little things
PJ: when i was there?
PJ: yeah im going to have to take the picture down behind the couch
PJ: cause i rember seeing it behind me all the time
PJ: and i imagine there will be alot more
hits me eveyr day
PJ: prol done eating ramen
me: at least once
adn they are always new ones
PJ: ill have to find some cheap new food
me: cept the sky
that ones gonna suck for along time
esp with the giant moon tonight
me: and I last night
i watched it for hrs
PJ: that too
last night was the first i slept for more than 45 min in a few
me: ok its time for us to stop
me: please try to stay away
PJ: ill do my best
me: i know
PJ: hopefully i will go away and the better PJ wilt come (REALLY???, yes really he said that)
im going to
me: smiles andnods
no baby steps back
only steps forward
yes im training the o bacK in
and it sucks too you asshat ❤
me: im going to be doing my work and moving on
me: this is permament until proven other wise for me
right now its really for the best for you (doesn’t seem to be all that broken up about it does it, he is basically saying go away)
me: yes and it wahat i want
me: surely you compeltly get why
PJ: i understand fully
The Husband doesnt get to talk crap about coming back to him for 8 weeks either im fucking done with this bull shit
PJ: sounds like you have a good 8 weeks coming up
me: i certainly have plans for it to be
me: but ill be doing my own work so that gonna suck ass sometimes for me too
me: i have VinD to keep me on task
PJ: thats good
s is going to keep me on track when i go back
me: i hope you mean sara
me: made my heart jump a tny bit with the s
me: k ok k
ive stayed too long already were like 2 min away from all the melty stuff
me: and i cant deal with that right now
PJ: me either
PJ: bye Lola
me: whose going to say it first
PJ: i adore you see you in 8
me: i adore you too im not holding my breath baby but you feel free to prove me wrong
I am saying I’m going away and this is permanent. He is saying Go on ahead it is what is best for you, but I am working to do something about this because I don’t like it either. I went off to paying more attention to OGC and the Monkey Fucker and waited to see what PJ would do next. I mean he is still sleeping in a new spot on the bed to leave room for me, because once we discussed bed sides and discovered conflict. He moved his side of the bed to leave an open space for me. One that was there when he actually went to sleep, and still empty when he woke up however many times and hours later throughout the night. Even after it is over, PJ is still leaving my spot empty and open when he goes to sleep. Even if he doesn’t start there he wakes up in the corner, turns around and discovers I am not there.
More to come soon Lovies.
A timeline can be found here.
I progressed through the summer in this surreal dance of becoming myself again. Around me was a whirlwind of holding on, spinning and weaving as I tried to find that centered path to somewhere worthwhile.
Side bar: Seeing my old stick figures actually has me thinking I may draw this one. Just consider me your special friend who draws like a 4 year old. Don’t laugh so when I start my Dancing with the Stars is the pinnacle of my fame world dominance in motion with a self-published .99 cent e-book of a collection of drawings I don’t have to hate you! And for the record starting world dominance with a 99 cent e-book wasn’t even MY idea, I totally stole it from People I want to punch in the throat’s blog. Her posts about the Duggar’s and the Elf on the Shelf are awesome. Just think of what DWTS would do for my new year goal of a tighter ass and leaner legs. I didn’t have 8 asian kids with a pudgy spineless loser or get a TLC sponsored tummy tuck, but I have personality! My little curly haired stick figured girl could be famous some….nah really the drawing is just kind of cool to do during and see later. Plus, who doesn’t like to draw? Which is another conundrum, because how is an artist a sociopath? Don’t you need to feel to be any good at art? I’ll admit I never saw anything he ever created, I think that is interesting considering most artists love to show their work. In his defense I never once asked.
The whirlwhinds around me were The Husband holding on, Match.com spinning, PJM weaving. All around me was chaos, even my own personal path was rocky. I was a divorcing single mother. My emotions were all over the place and I had no lasting way to control it. I was learning to identify issue driven behavior, observe when I was doing it, live with the uncomfortable feelings that drove me to do it while simultaneously NOT doing it for as long as I could, observing my choices in behavior and observe the reactions from others and inside myself after making a choice, use that data to learn and modify my behavior, rinse, repeat, repeat repeat until the range of behaviors and emotions surrounding whatever “it” was started to pull in from the sides of dichotomy and form a new tighter range. This new tighter range would then be lived in for a while, and the process of observance, living with the yucky feelings while trying to work through what changes in MY behavior could lead to changes in my FEELINGS about my behavior and therefore, about myself as a person. That is the best way I can describe what working on yourself feels like while you are doing it. You are in your own world because your brain is over engaged on observing and molding you, while trying to keep the beast of your emotions at bay long enough to let the positive changes stick and the lessons settle in. It sucks, those feelings are awful, the failures are frustrating but the victories, how ever small at the time are the fuel that kept me moving along that path. It was through working on myself and finding an excellent therapist in Tab that I learned that I could create another place in my world, a bubble I could step into that refused to allow the chaos inside of it. That place is where I could step and choose to work on me, not control the events going on outside of me. It was the place where I could mold my behavior, pick my battles. It was inside that bubble that I was finding my grey. I don’t think we have a line inside of us that we do or don’t cross. I used to think life was like that but I have learned that it isn’t. There is no black and white, there are only shades of grey. In order to be able to love myself I had to define my grey, sometimes I stumbled through that badly but this was when I was first learning to actually do it. I don’t know that I think of my soul or personality as a morphing bubble but for point illustration purposes it seems to work. It was in creating that bubble that I was able to learn that I could choose when to step out into the chaos and how to deal with it when I did. who or what was allowed into the bubble with me. God was in that bubble and He had been waiting for me. I will get to more of that later. For now let’s talk about the forces of chaos holding onto my heart between two lungs. I just love Florence and The Machine.
The Husband Holding On:
The Husband was still holding on. We were still having sex, going on dates. He was still choosing to start fights about PJ and was still occasionally pushing me on why it couldn’t work between us. The thing was, I was no longer in love with my husband. I hand’t been in some time, that is part of what got us to this place. I could remember a time when I was falling in love with him. I was still critically questioning if I’d settled while that was happening. But we had 12 years of being a couple under us. We had been together in a time spans almost as large as the age gap between PJ and I. We had two children who were unwilling victims in this. We built a life together and it was full of promises we made to each other. I honestly didn’t know if I could ever fall in love with him again. This was a question I asked myself often, I am a PM, Risk Mitigation is part of my job. I would ask myself, If I end up without PJ, am I going to want him back? Each time I pondered this question I could never imagine a place where my Sweet Babu and I were ever going to be able to be ok for long. I could see an initial reconciliation poisoned by the pain and issues of trust and forgiveness. I could see bitter, hateful people married to each other feeling trapped because there is no way we could do this to the kids twice. Even though we went on to reconcile and have remained together our reconciliation process had hints of those things. Amazingly by the grace of GOD we work through them to land where we are today. But when PJ was accusing me of using him to fill a hole left b y The Husband I did not agree, because I honestly felt that there was no hole left by The Husband. I still feel like The Husband won’t let go and that he doesn’t have my heart. I’m more eager about option C- none of the above than choosing between he and PJ. I hadn’t started to mourn the almost divorce yet. That hits in early August and my little 4 year old Destroyer sets it off. The Husband was the thing trying to hold me back from moving forward. He was blocking my escape.
The Match.com dudes were culled into two categories, young and old. There were very few my age that even remotely interested me.
Hints for Dudes on Match.com and some for girls too….
- If you put a picture of yourself on a dating site please do yourself and everyone else a favor and put a face and full body recent picture, not something from college. This will allow you to not look like an insecure douche bag and will probably get you more dates. I am not a skinny girl, so I made sure that the whole package was displayed, take it or leave it dude I have plenty to keep me busy. You should love yourself to put who you really are on display, you only want those who are attracted to the real you right?
- This does not mean unpack all your crazy on the phone before you ask me out on a date.
- Most girls prefer to actually meet you in person prior to receiving a picture of your privates, no matter how fabulous you think they are.
- Every girl know that ” No one has ever complained” is code for my dick is small, because dudes with large penis know they have them so you know you have a small one. We really don’t care how big it is, sure all girls have preferences but the most important thing is that you can get it hard to something other than porn and last longer than the time it takes for Chasey to do her thing. We aren’t Chasey, slow the fuck down and enjoy it for a minute. No one likes to fuck a rabid monkey.
- No you cannot stay at her house after the first date because it will be late and you work early and you live “so far away”. You should probably not ask her this before the date actually occurs, or it won’t happen.
- We know what kind of guy you are by the bars you tell us you frequent. So don’t try to tell us you are looking for an eventual relationship when we can see the only bar you go to is MILF town. Just say, I’m into fucking MILF’s and I’d like to fuck you.
- The truth with the right girl will get you so much more than lies with the wrong girl.
I was lucky enough to make one actual friend. A guy a little bit older than me that as it turns out also had some online experiences to share. Though we have not been nor do not go to the same online circles. Dr. Kink and I went go carting for our first meet up and then occasionally out to do stuff. Mostly we have come over and play cards time while we talk about whatever drama I am currently experiencing and he tells me about all of the adventures going on in his life. We became pretty good friends. I had to stop talking to him last Spring after the chat round 2. The husband requested I cull my male friends list, he provided a few suggestions that were not negotiable and he was one of the victims. I also had Sunshine and VinD as platonic friends and they were both doing their part to teach me what kind of man I should be seeking. The other boys were simply spinning devices. There to take up time and energy, but not really going anywhere on either side. One I spend a lot of time sexting with, and even sample the grass and move into phone sexing him. I do the phone sex thing simply to purge my memories of shouting out PJ’s name while recording it, with new memories. I’ve often subscribed to the quickest way over someone is under someone else theory. I didn’t say it was a good solution, but it is one I was used to. The thing about match.com is it is a lot of work. Keeping up with it is a huge time suck and there are a lot of weirdo’s out there. One of my final match boys teaches me some more about what boys are really thinking when they choose not to call. Turns out they just don’t’ want to call, they assume you know this by their act of not calling you. The silence is the message. He tells me this while he is talking about another girl he met once, but I know what to think later when the replies stop. It is easy to take note and move along because a- he already honestly spelled out for me what it means when he doesn’t call b- having sex with that dude was like being fucked by a rabid monkey. I was so ready to go to bed alone when that was over. The last match.com guy is a borderline psycho. I never let him get past g-chatting me and sending me some pics. As August approaches I am winding even that down. I think it is probably best to quit dating for a while as the divorce gets finalized and then figure out what to do. I do not wind down match.com in PJ’s mind though. I make sure to keep the idea of other guys working their way into my life very fresh. I regret that game a little bit. I was more hinting than lying and even though we now know he was lying the entire time, I’d still like my Karma to be a little cleaner in that arena. These diversions were little or large spinning forces, just sort of buffering me about as I fought to learn to be able to engage them in healthy manners. It was within those experiences that I was able to find those uncomfortable feelings I needed to work on and give new behaviors a shot. I was so very bad at it in the beginning too. But between staying in the fray and talking more and more with Sunshine I got better and better. The match.com boys were fun and funny, but they kept my focus scattered. Thanks Match.com dudes! It was a fun couple of months.
Lastly there is the weaving of PJ. The way we climbed this last hill. I refused to run to it, so he lured me slowly. He worked for it, took his time saying all of the right things. He dug the hole of his identity deeper. He attached himself further to me. I allowed myself hope, I willingly went along for the ride. I had my doubts, but a very large part of me still wanted to be there. I was just getting healthier and smarter and closer to me. Instead of running from PJ and the pit of despair, I was always running back to it, looking around, opening it up, peeking inside, shouting Hello in there? Pj? Are you going to come out yet?. I don’t what the hell is is about that boy but something would not let me let him go. Instead I just wove around like little Billy in Family Circus when he is supposed to just go get the mail and instead he is all over the hood. Even as I was pulling away from him I was investing more emotion in wanting to know who he really was. In my mind all of the things that came with the identity were real and the details would be validated once we were actually around each other. PJ once told me “something always brings me back to you” and ” we have something we just have to figure it out“. I could say he was pulling me through his little mind fuck, but that would not be 100% of the truth. I was letting him, but I was tired of how it made me feel.
Getting to that somewhere worthwhile involved letting go of PJ and running toward whatever was going to happen instead. Apparently I was just about to queue that up.
More to come soon Lovies.