Happy Monday Lovies! I’ve really been enjoying participating in the Photo a Day Challenge for February created by Fat Mum Slim. It’s fairly quick and easy to do because it takes a lot less time to follow a pre- ordained theme and snap a few pictures than it does to write a post. Yesterday she released the themes for March and I had to stop and think.
Am I going to keep doing this photo a day thing? I’m not a photographer by trade or hobby. I haven’t taken daily pictures since the Gonewild days and though I enjoy coming up with ways to capture the theme, it seems a little silly to keep doing it if I’m not going to grow or make it more meaningful somehow. I’m only using my iPhone and instagram even though Babu got me a new point and click camera for Christmas. Should I maybe work to get technically better at photography if I’m going to keep taking daily pics? I haven’t written nearly as much since I embarked on this project and though I like providing daily, quick content , it isn’t nearly as satisfying as sharing my writing with you. The AD story is in the reconciliation phase and isn’t going to last forever. If anything ever develops on the Paul front I would probably write about it, but this isn’t a movie and there is no big movie gesture coming so the subject is drying up and folding into my life. I’ve got plenty of other things I write about, but do I really have time to commit to pics daily and writing 2-3 times a week? I was working through all of these things in my head last night as I was falling asleep when it hit me, what if I tried to take some of the photos and after I post them for the day, expand upon them and tell a story? As it just so happens today’s photo is a perfect example of how I can do that. I’m going to tell you the story of how the phrase BGP came into my life!
About 6 years ago when The Destroyer was a tiny baby and I was much fatter I started looking for local Mommies Groups to join. Now most of these groups are predominantly for Stay at Home Mom’s, of which I am most assuredly not. So I had to find a group or groups that were working mom friendly, and it was harder than you’d think. Also once I’d find one, I had to try to work their events into my schedule, determine if there was anyone I clicked with etc. Not to mention that running a Mom’s group is pretty much a thankless job and bitches are catty, so even if I found a group I liked, it didn’t always stay in existence or active as long as I’d like. So sometimes I would be in 2 or 3 at once as I navigated my way through the world of Mommy groups.
If you only know me through reading this blog or you don’t yet know me very well in real life you may be under the mistaken assumption that I go though life with my IDGAF ( I don’t give a fuck) if you like me amour permanently on. Let me tell you this is absolutely not the case. My, and I think most girls, preference is to be liked, to click with other girls and to have that initial click grow into a meaningful relationship. The truth is not everyone can like you, nor probably should they. As I have gotten older I’ve become much more comfortable with that realization, what other people think of you does not define who you are to anyone but them. If I care about you I absolutely care about what you think, I want your honest call bullshit opinion about things. If I don’t, well you are more than welcome to your opinion and to however strong your feelings about your opinion are. I’m not about to tell you how you should feel, only that if you’re hating you may want to find a better more productive outlet because hating is a lot of work and it’s sad that you spend time poisoning yourself and/or others on my account.
How does this tie in with joining new mommy groups? Well duh, when you are putting your self out there to a bunch of new people, you certainly hope it is an enjoyable experience, not a sucky one. When I joined Righteous Momma’s group I went to 1 or 2 events before it became obvious that this one bitch was seriously HATING on me. As in being obviously mean and trying to be a bully directly to me. I think she was jealous or alpha or whatever, but it became a, she was causing drama about me problem, and I was the NEW GIRL!! I didn’t let her bully me, but I didn’t get in the bitches face either because I was the new girl. I won’t go into the drama bitchy girl details, but the way it worked out was Righteous Momma called me or we ended up at an event where Bitchy wasn’t there and all the details came out. Turns out Bitchy had been causing a lot of other drama as well and Righteous reserved judgement on me until she got to know me better, and when she did she liked me. She is a prime example of fearlessly be yourself and she recognized that in me. She also recognized my BGP attitude. So Bitchy left the group and I stayed and made some friends I still have today . Her group fizzled but one of its main tenants was basically no drama and no bull shit. Put on your Big Girl Panties and own it. It was like God shined down from heaven and put words on how I think we all should conduct ourselves. I adopted the mantra and I have been seeking to live it to the fullest ever since. I can’t remember if I or Righteous added Big Boy Boxers to that mantra but I have ingrained it into my life and I seek to spread it to others as much as possible. Nothing bad can come from putting on the BGP and owning it. And if something bad does come of it, you will get through it, but it all starts with finding them, putting them on and seeking the fullest extent of ownership you are currently capable of. The flip side of that is learning to still love and forgive yourself when you can’t find them, or don’t want to put them on. We all go through times like that. Just keep trying 🙂 ❤
Love you Righteous Momma and now I have given you the rightful credit for bringing the mantra into my life!
My handwriting is not nearly all that. So I kept it short. I’ll be writing about this mantra later. Happy Monday Lovies!!!
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
This post could also be titled, Living well is the best revenge.
Let’s see where were we? Oh yes, darkness to day. It’s August 25 2010 and I am numb with grief. Life must go on as it always does when things come to an end, and as I stumble through it my mind is racing with thoughts of PJ. Realizations are hitting me both in a slow creep and a massive stab to the heart. My body has been trained to melt with lust when it thinks of him and my heart was so hopeful that things were going to be ok. It’s a combination of; Ok then, let’s pick ourselves up and move on, who was that masked man, and OMG WTF just happened to me. My soul needs to make sense of this, but as Tab told me, Sociopaths don’t make sense. I am alternating waiting for the other shoe to drop in his return and explanation and knowing that he is never ever ever ever ever ever coming back. Yep, mission accomplished, I am thoroughly mind fucked. I go through all the stages of grief, sometimes weaving in and out of one to the other and back again. I can only assume since he is choosing not to prove his innocence as quickly as possible that he is indeed guilty. But of what? Which things were lies and which things were truth? And then the hits start coming, sometimes it’s many in a day, sometimes it’s not for a few days.
The first hit: He owns a hand gun. He knows where I live. He has talked about putting me in his pit and joked on more than one occasion about chloroform. I don’t feel safe. That is such a great feeling to have when you are sleeping alone in a 5 bedroom house. At least I had benefit of an alarm system, a dog and good friends. Nothing like the first thought of your ex being concern that he is going to actually harm you. That felt great.
My previously mentioned emergency counseling session with Tab yields the following nuggets and to do’s.
- I have to create an answer I can live with
- I need to remember what I know about me, just because he did this doesn’t mean I’m not who I am.
- I have been violated and it is simply just not fair
- Suffering tempers us, ruin paves the way for transformation. In hind sight this is absolutely true and I would not be where I am in this moment, if PJ hadn’t done what he did. I am a better woman with a better marriage.
- My wondering=he wins.
- Maybe he truly was just that afraid. I have to find the pieces that fit.
So a few short days after he is gone I sit down one night and put on the BGP. I have spent 48 hours spinning and in reviewing the last few weeks before he vanished it is clear to me that the end was near and he was leaving clues. It is clear even that short time later that he is a sociopath and is likely married or at the very least has a girlfriend. So many little things all fit together and make sense now. My heart was in ruins, I wondered if I would have to go back to my husband simply because I would never be able to trust another man again. That sure sounded like a solid plan to reconciliation. That last sentence is sarcasm in case you people haven’t figured out when I’m kidding yet. I was pissed because I have more work to do and I’m fucking tired of doing work on myself. It is hard and exhausting. Some part of me promptly rejects the sociopath explanation because I don’t want it to be true. I know now that it is. I’ve come to that conclusion and acceptance of the conclusion. I have forgiven myself and Paul Jay Mathis.
By the third or so day the reality of the situation and what it may have cost starts to set in. I haven’t asked my ex if he is still interested in reconciliation because we were HOURS away from divorce when all of this went down. He may not agree to go back to marriage counseling, he may not agree to anything. I could be looking at a zero sum game here and I don’t even know what I want to do yet.
Here are some things I learned about Sociopaths based on my internet reading and one book I checked out of the library. I want to say the premier author on this subject is Martha White, but I’m not writing a term paper so I’m not bothering to look it up again. The information I found was very enlightening and helpful. And also very scary. I have an real life PJ example I could give you for almost every one of these things. Many of these are direct quotes from my reading.
- 1 out of every 25 people are Sociopaths, scary isn’t it.
- Sociopaths have no conscience, they cannot distinguish between right and wrong.
- They don’t EVER actually feel remorse or bad about what they do, they learn to fake it along with faking other emotions like sadness or love.
- They are often VERY good at faking it, often enigmatic, beautiful, sexy, successful people.
- They know when they are doing it that they do not love you, they are incapable of love.
- They are certified monsters, once their magic has had its effect there is only you and GOD left to pull out of that hole. TRUE DAT.
- They are not working with all their marbles, but often you feel like to admit such is to admit you are missing marbles too. This one totally explained why I felt CRAZY all the time when I was with him. He once told me, Oh i’m crazy doll, you know that. It was August when he told me that.
- Knowing that you will always return to them is what gives them a kick.
- They keep asking for another chance
- Control is their drug, it drives them it is like cocaine in their system and they need a victim.
- They are pathological liars, who are impulsive and tend to be alcoholics or drug abusers
- They claim crying
- In the back of your mind you know something is wrong, very wrong
- Do you think you’re in a never ending cycle of pain, where you feel as if you can’t free yourself of the relationship? Why yes, thank you very much I do!!!!
- You love him, can’t live without him, but being with him is one of the greatest tortures you’ve ever known.
- Vulnerable, single or divorcing/ed women are their PRIME TARGETS!!!!!!!!
- They have antisocial tendencies
- They can’t hold down a steady job.
- They suffer from low self esteem.
- They have been the victim of many situations, if not all
- They want you to feel as low as they feel about themselves and worse
- Being with them is mental horror and abuse
- If you are lonely and needy you are a big target, you are the only one who udnerstands him now
- Seldom admits they have a problem
- Low grade sociopaths start around age 15
So here is the deal. I am going to finish up this post about PJ and then we are not talking about him again. At least not in detail. We are going to focus on my reconciliation and then we will be done with this story.
I cried and thought my way through September, October, and November about him. The first Tuesday in December 2010, I was walking into or out of work, and I was having a conversation with God. As my feet hit the pavement I was demanding that GOD bring him back and make him look me in the eye and give me an explanation. I got home from picking MiniMe up from Girl Scouts that night to an IM informing me that PJ had shown up in Skype. I almost puked, but I held it together long enough to have a knee jerk reaction and request him as a contact, with a simple It is about time comment. Roughly 3 days later he accepted that contact request and then NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO SAY. I was told, but did not see that he actually went into chat one day and cammed up. I was told he was given a less than friendly reception from those that knew him. I had told more than a few people what happened. I started my 2nd chat career out of chasing PJ into chat that December. And I didn’t get out again until right before Memorial Day 2011. I thought about him every single one of those days and wondered if he was lurking in chat and watching me. The Big Guy happened in that time space and he was my rebound online relationship. As in replacing old memories with new ones, rebound relationship. I will not be giving any details about The Big Guy or any insight into that relationship or my feeling about it or him. I will simply tell you that my 2nd chat career ended when I….recognized that I wanted to be done with all of the bullshit and actually start some serious work to heal properly, decided to end it with The Big Guy when it became apparent that he didn’t understand no meant no and didn’t care to bother owning his actions. The same night I ended it, The Husband found out about him, but he understood that The Big Guy was merely a symptom of chasing after Paul. We came away from that set back and that part of our story in is our past. I’m a very lucky, very grateful woman. I could be in dead in a pit right now. Instead I am very much alive and writing this blog for your entertainment and education.
Living well is the best revenge and I am most certainly choosing to live well
More to come soon Lovies.
- Psychopath Vs Sociopath (mademan.com)
- Sociopaths and Psychopaths: Can They Be Cured? (robertlindsay.wordpress.com)
- Sociopath – are you one? (insideasanemind.com)
- Love and Illusion: You Could be Dating or Married to a “Social Sociopath”: How Would you Know? (prweb.com)
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
Sunday night arrives and I’m finally able to get out of bed for more than a few minutes. I notice that I miss him less and less with the limited contact we have. I quit smoking the week prior, something he hates that I do and he has declared as his first project once he is “here”. I’ll quit when you show up is what I always told him. I decided to just go ahead and do it on my own. I know he is back at school, he is still pretending that its BSU, but I’ve been searching the database daily and he isn’t showing up. If he is there he isn’t enrolled in classes. All I want to do is get over him and have my heart back, I still don’t know if I want to put my family back together. It seems easier to simply proceed with the plan at this point. All wheels are in motion for my divorce to be final by the 28th, it is the 22nd. I’ve got 6 days to get the final changes we have discussed into the Divorce Decree, have him meet me at a bank to get it notarized, then all I have to do is drop it off at the courthouse anytime after the 28th and within a few days or so I will be divorced. After I put the kids in bed the big wet rolling can’t stop crying tears come. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, and sleep is only gained from glorious drugs and exhaustion from being sick.
Monday the 23rd comes. In the morning he is green on g-chat but not talking to me, I realize I told him not to, but still it pissed me off. I remember sitting there and using my two fingers to pretend to squish his little green light between them like a bug, wishing it was his head. Later than day he emails me, hope you had a good weekend and are keeping up with the quitting. I resist the urge to reply then he chat me and I cave but not much is said. It sucks being in a place where you know shit is about to get very real and all you can do is buckle in for the ride. I had no idea the crash I was in for within a few short days.
Tuesday the 24th comes, I have plans to meet the husband at the bank on Wednesday at noon to sign the final papers. I respond shortly to his email I did. I am. Are you enrolled in school? At this point he has to know the noose is closing around his neck. I don’t hear back until later in the day and I use my day wisely. I check the BSU database again and he isn’t there. So I call the school. The current year’s info isn’t reported to The National Student Clearinghouse’s Degree Verify yet and so I get the registrar guy to do some manual look ups for me. I have a first name, middle name, last name, DOB, years he should of been there and what he is supposedly studying. The guy spends some time on the phone with me but comes up with nothing. Nobody with that last name at all. A few with the first name but no last name match. I decide it is time to tighten the belt on the BGP and I put two inquiries into Degree Verify, one for Notre Dame as undergrad and one to Ball State University for grad school. $6.50 per inquiry and the best $13 I ever spent. Why didn’t I think of this much, much sooner I don’t know, I was in a haze of love struck stupidity and obstinate hanging on. all I can do now is wait and see what happens, it is out of my control. I have God on my side so I know whatever happens I will be ok, and I already knew what the answer was going to be in my heart. I also knew HE was never going to tell me he was lying. I had no concept of the far reaching consequences discovering this lie would have on my soul, but I knew I was ready for whatever. I was in battle form, bring it mother fucker. He replies to me email on Tuesday night that not yet I’m sitting in on some classes this week to see what I want to do. Uhhuh, sure you are. I see red, give it about 4 minutes and respond. Trying out a few classes my ass, how stupid does he think I still am? You do realize how bad that looks. Why don’t you not contact me again util you have your shit toegther. And once upon a time when that happens you can do so by verifying your identity in a concrete way. I really don’t think that is too unreasonable on my part at this point in the game. Good luck on your journey.
I am feeling strong and confident, almost smug even. I may have finally won this game. This sick little twisted game I’d been a willing participant in for almost 5 months. I wake up on Wednesday with plans to head to the bank at noon, then the Notre Dame results come in first at 10:11am, an excerpt.
Status: Unable to confirm by the information you provided
Because the information you provided did not match any records in our database, we asked the school to research your request. The school was unable to locate either a degree or enrollment record for the subject of your verification request.
I feel shock, awe, incredulity, anger. I am simply shell shocked and stupefied. I call The Husband and give him the news, I tell him I am not up to the bank today, I need to figure out WTF is going on and I am waiting for BSU response to come in. The next 5 or so hours are some of the longest in my life. I am suspended in mid air, just waiting. Maybe only Notre Dame is a lie I bargain with myself, mayb eit will all be ok. I know it won’t be. 3:46 PM the nail in his coffin arrives. He doesn’t exist at BSU in any capcity either. Same deal.
Status: Unable to confirm by the information you provided
Because the information you provided did not match any records in our database, we asked the school to research your request. The school was unable to locate either an enrollment record for the subject of your verification request.
The good news is while I was waiting for the nail in the coffin I crafted the why did you pick my life to ruin and how could you be so evil for NOTHING email. One last thing was the title. I shoot it off within 3 minutes of getting the BSU results. I suppose I could of slept on it, tried to be more cunning and play the game or fuck with him some, but that wasn’t what I asked God for and it wasn’t what I wanted or needed. Here is what I know, I asked and prayed and God delivered swiftly and with force. There would be no wiggle room in this end.
I’m going to leave this here for now. If this was the movie it would be the part where everything gets really really quiet, then goes black because the world is about to suck into a vortex and spit back out in a catastrophic mess. I sit here now in this moment writing this with very little emotion other than smug satisfaction of a job well done while Mike Doughty plays His Truth is Marching On, randomly and in perfect timing on my itunes.
THANK YOU GOD!
More to come soon Lovies, thanks for sticking with me as the ride has its final crash, the only left to write about is the sorting through the wreckage and pick up the pieces of my life and put it back together.
PS. The next song was Brittney’s Criminal. LOL for real!
Running season started again for me last week. I signed up for my 2nd Indianapolis 500 Mini Marathon and the lengthy training program at our local Y. I haven’t run much since I finished the inaugural Women’s Half Marathon over Labor Day weekend. It started out innocently enough, taking a break to rest and bask in the glory of completing two halfs within a year. Initially I had plans in my head to run a third half in either October or November. But as the weeks progressed I found that i just wasn’t doing any training to get the job done. I hadn’t registered for either, so there was no immediacy to the situation and i just chose not to train. I ran a 5k Turkey Trot over Thanksgiving and hoped it would motivate me to to at the very least start a regular work out schedule of running 3 times a week and add in some cross and strength training. But it was the holidays and I was busy and full of excuses. I had also started smoking regularly again and the next I knew it was Christmas. I knew training would start on the 16th of January and that become I’ll just enjoy and slack off until running season gets here. I put about ten pounds back on during that time, not to mention the hard earned muscles I’d garnered from earlier training had turned to mush. I began last week very excited but knowing I am terribly out of shape.
The thing is, I am excited to be training again, and even though that first run last week in the cold and wind was brutal, I enjoyed it. Mentally this time is different. I’m not getting that runners’ high from these limited runs because at this point they are a struggle to finish without walking. I also sort of feel like I’m in a don’t really belong anywhere no man’s land. This year they are offering two levels of training, beginner and advanced. I didn’t want to mentally put myself in either of those places. I don’t feel like a beginner, I’ve done this before. I know what I’m doing and how my body will respond. The advanced program calls for higher mileage, and I am woefully out of shape. At first I was like, It’s no big deal, it is just more miles, I know I can do this so I signed both of us up for the advanced knowing it was all the same group and we could talk to the coaches and make the right choices on a run by run basis. Except for I don’t like living in case by case basis world, I like to have a set plan and stick to it. The Husband recently suffered a back injury that revealed he has disc problems in 3 places. He has gone through rest, has had one epidural injection to ease his pain and he agreed to sign up for the race and training program so we could do it together again. He probably shouldn’t be doing extra mileage and so far has declined to do so. His pace could be much faster than mine, when left to his own devices he runs about a ten minute or slightly less pace and I am still in the 12+ range, that is a pretty slow pace for a runner. None of the other runners in our advanced group are that slow. No no one is telling me I shouldn’t be in the advanced group, the advanced coach is one of my personal hero’s. He always comes back to the end for me and helps me finish my run, doesn’t admonish me when I have to walk for a bit and always gently coaches me to the end and pushes me further than I planned to push myself. But in spite of that I found myself choosing the 2 mile options vs the 3 mile advanced option last night. I made this decision mid run for reasons I will outline in a moment, but he was expecting to see me do 3, and had to go back and look for me when I didn’t do it. I inconvenienced him and caused him concern, I felt really badly about this. Though it only re-iterated what I already knew. If I choose to pursue the advanced path, if I choose to declare myself and advanced runner in this training group, I am always going to finish last on probably every training run.
Then there is the stubborn and injury factor. Last year I started out of shape and by mid February had run myself into a stress fracture on my right foot. I was in a boot, dealt with the mental and physical set backs and went on to run my very first half marathon with no problems. One of our coaches is very familiar with my stubbornness and it has been a topic already this year, spoken out loud in front of everyone. I don’t mind it, I know it is true and for me it is sort of a badge of honor. A lot can be overcome with stubbornness, but it can also cause a lot of problems. When I was training for the Women’s half I started to notice a familiar feeling in my left foot. I simply ignored it. I wear heels a LOT, my appetite for shoes and especially heels is not secret to those that know me. I wear them to work, I wear them on GNO. I like them high, the higher the better and most of my heels I wear on a regular basis are 4″ or taller. I’m already 5’8″ and I like being even taller in heels. I notice when I wear them that sometimes by left foot does not like this, especially in the part of my foot where the big toe meets the foot. This same spot started talking to me almost immediately last week after that first run. I’ve been ignoring it. Thinking maybe I will try to solve the problem with new shoes and the inserts I already wear to help prevent further stress fracture injuries. last nigh when I headed out for the 3, it started in the first half mile. I made the decision at the turn to do the 2 because it would be better for my foot. Maybe my foot would reward my scaled back effort by not hurting after. Bad news, my foot is unaware or unwilling to accept this plan.
So here I sit, not even two full weeks into another running season, wrestling emotionally with what all this means. I KNOW it means I should make an appointment to go see Dr. Hate, that I should start mentally planning to be in that damn boot on another foot for 4+ weeks and find a way to NOT repeat the mental pit party and slacking I indulged in last year. I’m already in a much better place. There isn’t a lot I’m wrestling with emotionally this year. I’m not hiding a 3rd chat career from my husband, I’m over PJ and all of the Almost Divorce shenanigans. All in all things in my life are quite good. So why don’t I feel more empowered and strong and badass right now? I’ve quit smoking all things, and I feel so much better having done so. There is limited nicotine and THC working itself out of my body. I’m mentally and physically healthier than I have been in the last 3+ years. I’m getting my brain back as each week passes and my mental acuity and focus continues to climb. I’m more focused and plugged in at work and home. By all accounts I should be feeling pretty good about myself right now. I don’t have anything mental to wrestle on runs other than daily life and work stressors. By all accounts I should be setup to push my body to even higher limits and bring my pace time down closer to the sub 11 minute mark. I should be in super runner ninja kick-ass mode, but I’m just not. Instead I just feel sort of meh about the whole thing. I sit here hiding from the pain in my foot, the feeling that I don’t really belong in that advanced group and wondering why on earth at almost 41 years old after everything I have triumphed over that I still feel the need to beat myself up as harshly as possible when things don’t go just like I expected.
I don’t have an answer. But I do know what needs to be done, it’s the same basic answer to all problems, put on my BGP and own it. So tomorrow I will call Dr. Hate and make an appointment, but I will also complete my scheduled 3 mile pace time trial and push myself as hard as my body and lungs will go. I’m going to downgrade myself to the beginner category and if later in training I feel like I can and should take on more mileage I will. There isn’t anything wrong with me if I choose to be smart instead of stubborn for once. If he says it’s boot time again I will do it without the pity party that accompanied last year. I can do upper body strength work outs while The Husband runs and I can pick up mileage as soon as he clears me. Rather than hide from the problem I can face it and make my contingency plan. Maybe it won’t be a new stress fracture and everything can continue as planned. In the meantime I will simply choose to BREATHE and not wallow in the meh. I’ll probably still be wearing 5″ heels on Saturday night though, a girl has to hold on to some stubbornness.
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
PJ was often going away on Fridays. I had kid switch on Fridays. So even if we made it through Mon-Thu with no talking, which we rarely did , we seemed to always have a Friday conversation. I told him on July 27 that I didn’t want to talk to him for 8 weeks. I told my husband the same thing on the same day. I don’t want to hear anything from either of you about being with me, I’m checking out of this mess. It seems I might of made it all the way to Friday August 6. By this time I was starting to recognize that if I truly wanted to walk away from PJ and rid my life of him, that I was going to be hunkering down for an all out battle with myself. I had put on my BGP, I was starting to own it. It was taking me a while but it was happening. I think we sometimes have no idea how badly we are broken and what an extreme act of strength getting back up and back together was until we look back from the far end and go….”Wow, that was some fucked up shit I just healed from there. Why yes, I am a badass”. I have usually already made a few stops along he way to look back and have the I’m a badass reaction, only to discover I’ve got so far to go. There were a few times I just sat down and basked/wallowed for a while. I guess that is why they call it a journey :-). I don’t remember what baby steps we took as July closed Lovies because I’m taking you into August now. PJ will vanish, he won’t be back until early December, and the Big Guy doesn’t arrive until February.
The first weekend in August PJ went away. He was going to a wedding with S, D couldn’t go because he was at an art conference in New Mexico. PJ thought this was funny because D was supposed to be meeting S’s family, they had just gotten engaged earlier in the summer. PJ and D were very different according to PJ. I must of mowed the lawn on Thursday before he left because I have a notation that I sent a pic to him about taking care of the trim. PJ and I had sort of a lawn thing going, since battling the lawnmower was one of mt wish there was man here to do this frustrations and he mowed lawns for extra money. Back in May he taught me how to change the spark plug in the mower so I could get it started and mow the lawn as a single woman caring for a house and yard for the first time. He also walked me through a very stressful day where I had to figure out how to change the tire on the Mazda, only to discover that the spare was flat too. I had let my AAA membership lapse because I couldn’t afford it. later once my mom clues in to how bad things really are she starts coming over for a several hours every other week and doing things like cleaning my entire house for me. She renewed my membership not long after that, especially since I had it since I was 16 as a gift from my Dad. She also got an embarrassing surprise when she decided to vacuum my closet and look behind the door. I had created sort of a private PJ shrine back there. Like a teenager I had taped up all the pics he sent me and the reminders of why he adored me. Whenever I needed to have a melt down or a PJ moment and I had kids in the house I would just go in my closet and shut the door and cry or scream or whatever I needed to do. I remember I was changing the sheets on my bed while she was vacuuming, when she went into the closet I thought oh please don’t close the door. Yep, she closed the door and then vacuumed for what seemed like hours while I finished up the bed and then went into the bathroom. I thought I was going to DIE but I knew she wouldn’t say anything. If I didn’t say anything we could simply pretend it never happened. My family is good at pretending nothing is going on and never discussing it. It usually drives me crazy but I was very grateful for it that day.
It was a flying trip and Friday night he gets online and we start chatting. We may have been flirting the day before but today it is all very friendly and tender. He gives me the recap of the events so far, we talk about what we have been up to. We spend roughly 20 or so minutes maybe talking. It was the last time I will see his face and I can’t even remember if he cammed up or not. Here are the things I remember from that day.
He made a point of sending a song to me that day, something he hadn’t done in quite a while. I’m pretty sure I quit asking when he gave me Something Corporate Konstantine with an intro of this ought to keep you busy for awhile and then sauntered off to shower. When I asked him if he had knowledge of the lyrics in the song before he sent it, his reply was Not really, I just knew it was 7 min long. Yet, it wasn’t long before It is always you in my big dreams started popping up on his status messages. Finding out this song is in The Notebook made me NOT watch The Notebook. I haven’t read the book either and I doubt I could be convinced. There are some mind trips not worth taking the risk of having. I have a song for you, he says. It was on my CD in the magazine I brought on the flight out and it’s the perfect song for us. He sends me the link.
I pull it up and start to listen. Lovies, if you haven’t listened to any music I have linked on this blog go listen to this one. Isn’t that the sweetest most romantic song you’ve ever heard? I know, me too. It was swoony and gut wrenching at the time. Now to pull us all out of our, but he was soooooo sweeeettttt, revelry. Let me remind you that he sent this on AUGUST 6, He will be POOF GONE by the 25th.
I am holding to together while I listen to the song. Then before all the I’ll always adore you’s he sends me an email with a picture in it. Just thought I’d send you a smile. Inside is a picture of a suited up PJ wearing glasses and sitting in a hotel room in front of his laptop looking at me. But he isn’t smiling. His eyes look tender and sad. There is not really a smirk but not really a frown on his face. He just looks like PJ sitting there and he looks so cute.
I tell him I’m sorry but I have to go now, all of this is getting to be too much for me. I’m sorry, I over stepped. I adore you. Just so you know that I meant everything I said to you. Even if we don’t ever talk I will always adore you. PJ was big on the phrase Just so you know. He never had to tell you something, there was only just so you know.
More to come soon Lovies.
A timeline can be found here.
As I was settling into my new role of divorcing part time single mother and milf slut, PJ was settling into his new full identity. He is still operating under the PJGW email account and he only ever had the PJGW Skype account. He changes his profile information on both those to PJM and adds his birthday to Skype. I am not his only GW contact on these communications channels, PJ had lots of friends and he is pretending his first name and last initial to them all. This leads me to believe that perhaps he is not lying about his name, but rather the geographical places in some of his detailed life stories. It doesn’t dawn on me at the time of that thought how far reaching and exhausting even that would of had to be. Not until I had to take my mind on a trip through every memory and re-examine it, sometimes repeatedly with new eyes each time. PJ is still going to GWP and I am still not, so whenever there are lengthy gaps in our conversation I get internally bitchy wondering if he is in there and who he is enjoying talking to more than me. It wasn’t really a very healthy reaction but it helps to fuel my shortening of conversations that go on like that for too long. I had basically banned the laptop from my upstairs back in June when PJ dumped me. Never again did I want to go to bed with or wake up next to a laptop. It was the biggest symbol of PJ in my bed and when he dumped me I didn’t want it anywhere near my bedroom. I wanted my bed, and my fapping and my sex back from him and for me. PJ knows I am dating but we don’t talk about it much. He never brings it up, we weren’t pretending to be just friends but we weren’t really making active plans to be together either. Once we started camming up it wasn’t long before it got more intimate. I still made him work for every bit of it though. It was hard for me to trust him enough to be persuaded to get naked again, to bring a laptop into my bed again. So much so that I’m pretty sure when he finally talked me into getting naked with him I cammed up on the couch instead of in bed. I was making a point, my bed is for me. Once the naked arrived, the trusting would reach a high, before it would plummet down and crash. This was our last ride and that final climb and high lasted almost 4 weeks.
As we progressed through those four weeks from June 28 to July 20. I was told that PJ told S he was planning to commute back and forth to school from my house the weeks I didn’t have the kids. We teased about after the kids were in bed late night stealth visits for the weeks they were there. I’m just certain those of would of gone off without a hitch of any kind, definitely a solid plan there. PJ sends me an email and a chat contact request from a new real life address, stillPJ@gmail.com. “You’re the first one to get this, You’re the first one to chat with me on this”. Who does that? What kind of sick fucker fakes his identity and then just runs with it? PJ was digging in to this PJM thing, he was committed to it. Previously we had discussed kids, as in would I be willing to have any more? My body cannot carry anymore children in spite of the fact that I still have plenty of eggs to make them. In that initial conversation I had agreed to a surrogate. Dating around had given me more time to consider future children and decide that I did not have the desire to have any more infants of any kind in my life. I was about to be 40, I did not have the desire or energy to go through another infant and I’m also just not that OK with some other lady growing my baby. This is kind of a big flip in stance so I feel it is only fair to give PJ a heads up. This could be a deal breaker and as a man he needs to know kids with me are no longer on the table. I’m pretty sure PJ has a strong desire to be a Dad coupled with the fear that he would make a bad one. If he is going to continue sticking around and somewhat chasing after me then he deserves the true package at the end. One night while we are chatting I just flat out tell him. I just basically said “Hey PJ you know those fake kids I promised when we were living in never never land, not going to happen. I know I said I’d do the surrogate thing but I really don’t want any more babies and I thought you should know. I am expecting the Oh, well I want kids so I guess this is it, response. His response instead is “OK, I guess I will just have to love your kids if that time comes”. Yep, really, he said that. We had somehow shifted from when to if, and I was in on it. During this phase it wasn’t assumed we would be together in the near future, it was all if. During those weeks of summer he told me he was going to get a big boy phone and phone plan and man up a little once he got back to school. He told me he was going to up his therapy appointments to twice a week. He was starting to talk about the geographic location a mere 40 miles from me like he was for sure heading back there. Earlier in June he was all freaked out the day I was staying away from him because he wanted to tell me first that he decided he wasn’t going to take the offer from ASU. He ended up telling his family first and me the next day once we started communicating again. He said he left it open that he wanted to talk to them in another year, that maybe it would be his next school. I agreed to that as a next school, airfare would of been about $300 and I would of been staying for about a week each time and just working from his apartment. I had previously agreed to any school within a 6 hour driving distance, and we discussed several. Now in our conversations it is all about what will happen when he heads back to school. He tells me he might not register for classes, but this is still good news because earlier in the summer he had more than once said he might not go back at all. I definitely knew he shouldn’t further derail his life in that fashion. I just wanted him to put on his BGP and start owning his life. It was looking like he was getting the help he needed.
The week after he came back from his alone, because it is my wedding weekend and I’m not getting married, trip something happened. I don’t actually remember what, but I do know that on July 20 I did something. Before I sort out the details ( they will come because I’ll be thinking about them now) of that last descent I need to tell you the story of the day the Husband tried to tell me PJ was faking his identity.
The day The Husband told me he found PJ
This happened right about in this same time frame, but I do not remember which came first. I can tell you this event is the motivation for what later becomes my I don’t want to talk to either one of you for 8 weeks speech. One day The Husband came over. It wasn’t for the kids and it wasn’t for sex because that never happened here. I always went there and snuck in and out without my kids catching me at the apartment. Now that is a drive of shame, Lovies. He had to be there for something techie or music related. It is late afternoon or early evening and PJ and I have been talking a lot lately, but he wasn’t online at the moment. The Husband decides to start a fight and says to me. “That PJ guy isn’t who he says he is, I know who he is”. I looked him up in the Ball State directory and he isn’t in there. Dr M’s daughter goes there and she doesn’t start until the fall and she is already showing up there. So I am angry but I’m curious to know who PJM truly is so I ask The Husband to explain further. He forces me to go the the online student directory and look up PJ under both student and staff. It isn’t as if this is the first time I have been on this page looking for signs of proving PJ’s existence to myself. I say, “Ok how about this Husband. I will send PJ an email to both possible versions of his full name and bsu.edu email addy, if they don’t bounce then we will know he isn’t lying. I then proceed to do just that. While we wait for the bounce I ask him to now tell me who you think he really is. It would be fabulous if my husband unlocked this mystery for me and I could start to validate the guy I couldn’t seem to get away from. So the Husband tells me the name of the guy he has PJ pegged for. He is also affiliated with Ball State and he is an architect. Wouldn’t be the least surprised to find out he is really an architect I think to myself. I go to the guys website and The Husband and I have a look around until we find a picture of the guy. I click on it and start to analyze it for signs of recognition. It was the same as the “snake on a plane” , resemblance but not quite there. I think this was right before the “I’m going to go help move my sister but I won’t even take my laptop, then when I think you aren’t looking I will go on GWP” weekend. It is possible this event fueled whatever I did on the 20th. I tell The Husband I just cannot be sure it is PJ. I tell him I don’t think it is him at all. Then I get mad at him. We have filed for divorce, I have been telling you over and over that it isn’t all about PJ vs. YOU, you need to get out and quit starting shit. I will let you know if I get a bounced address back from either email I sent. The Husband leaves, shortly after PJ gets online and we pick up where we left off. I tell him what happened with The Husband.
Lola: The Husband came over here and started a fight with me about knowing who you really are
PJ: What, your husband is looking for me??? We are on cam and he is freaking out. Here comes the melt down I think to myself.
Lola: Yes, he made me look you up in the directory and when we didn’t find you we sent you an email to both PJM and PM versions of your school email.
PJ; What he screeches with a face full of terror, I won’t show up there because I’m not enrolled in classes yet. I still don’t know what I am going to do. They were supposed to shut my email down so I can’t get anything.
Lola: Well, it didn’t bounce. I can tell he is pissed and I am waiting to see if he chooses to get pissed at ME for sending those emails. He did not.
PJ: Well, who did he think I am?
Lola: this guys… sends link. I told him it isn’t you.
PJ: I’m not the artist who has exactly my full name when you google me either.
Lola: Yep you’re pretty much no where, you don’t exist
PJ: Yep, I don’t exist.
We leave it at that but I can tell he is quite agitated. The conversation ends very shortly after that and PJ isn’t heard from again for a day or so. It is this day, these two conversations and these two reactions from these two men that drive me to make one of the bravest and best decisions of my Almost Divorce. Seriously I was about done with them both. The husband was going to be in my life no matter what, if PJ wanted that badly to be in my life he was going to have to work out his PJ vs. The Husband anger and vice versa. I tired of hearing about the two of them from EACH OTHER. Even in their spatting over me they did it through me!
More to come soon Lovies.