I had a good cry today. A sobbing into my husbands chest, tears streaming down my face, kids coming over for a family hug cry. Why? The catalyst is the fact that I have an appointment with the Foot Dr on my calendar and I neither remember the Foot Dr’s actual name or where he is located. I’m not sure I have any way of finding out either, other than maybe searching online for the past EOB or hoping they call to confirm my appt. I used to be able to store information inside my brain like a steel trap, have more than multiple things in the air and keep track of them all with ease, all while adding more and more to the pile, my brain is ADHD and stress “fractured” and I’m pissed about it.
Work is really stressful right now, the urgency of the work is piling up, and I feel like I am constantly trying to move a freight train with one hand on the caboose, pushing with all my might. Our work environment is in a word, craptacular, at the moment. I am the program manager for one of the biggest projects we have going, but it is currently eclipsed by the other biggest project we have going and no one will take mine as seriously as they should, and I can’t really blame them, we have priority and resource issues galore.. Mine is regulatory, it is my job to make sure it keeps moving, I feel like I must be doing this , it’s either that or beat my head repeatedly against my desk.
This is my first foray into Program management land, I have a team of 3 head PM’s and a what will end up being a cast of thousands. The moving parts and complexity alone of this project are enough to make solid mind me squirm. With the current work environment and all the personal things I am juggling I am barely keeping it together and today the damn broke.
Personally I am trying to manage,
MiniMe : ADHD- 2 docs, Plantar warts- 1 doc
The Destroyer: ADHD- need to get him started on testing, He scored high for hyperactivity and the icing on the cake, oppositional defiant disorder.
Every conversation in my home is a negotiation or battle of some sort, full of not listening, not following directions or outright just lying to me and doing whatever we want. No wonder I’m worn down
Myself: ADHD- 1 doc and they can’t get me in until August 31st. I really don’t have 3 months to go completely ummedicated. I’ve seen the improvements in MiniMe from the meds, and I NEED something to focus at work and home, to remember to write down something more than ” Foot Doc” because I am NOT going to remember things anymore. I seem to have lost the ability and I want my brain back.
I have a whole list of concerts I’ve bought tickets to that I don’t even know when they are because I haven’t bothered to put them on the calendar. This week alone there are 4 doctor appointments that I really don’t have time to get to or be away from work during. Adding insult to injury my entire freaking town is all torn up in construction, you can’t get in or out of it without lengthy waits or hassle, it’s like no one looked to see what other construction projects were going on all at once before going hell yeah let’s tear that road up and close it too! And there is some freaking pervert(s) on the loose in our town trying to steal children, the police seem to be doing very precious little about it and our department is not that freaking busy. I currently cannot let my children go around the hood with walkie talkies, or out of my sight for that matter, it has transformed me into insane crazy mother lioness. Child molesters are a pretty hot button for me and I may be infinitely frustrated with my kids on a daily basis lately but I certainly don’t want them raped and murdered. I have a race in less than 7 weeks to train for and when I went to call the Y, my wed night yo-pi isn’t being offered this summer. Today basically made me feel like this
It’s a lot to absorb right now, and it finally just bubbled up and sprang forth. I felt better after getting it out, but crying about it sure didn’t make any of it go away. I’ll have to tighten the BGP and figure out how to proceed without further losing my mind.