Adventures in ADHD; who knew it would cause this much stress

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write, it’s not that I haven’t had time to write, it’s that to some degree I don’t know what to say these days.   Stop checking the windows, Hell hasn’t frozen over.   There is still  the garden, running/focus on health and weight loss, and various other adventures happening it our lives. I just don’t seem to have the mental  capacity or the desire when presented with a little bit of time to spend it blogging.   We have a war on ADHD going on over here.

There are 4 people in my home and 2-3 of them have ADHD, the results of The Destroyer’s tests are not in  until next week.  Most of the time it’s manageable, it’s the act of managing it in these early stages of discovery that are stressful and exhausting.   We are dealing with tests,  diagnosis, psychiatrists, psychologists, meds,  MOODS,  insurance companies, bills, budgets… I could go on but I think I’ve made my point here.   I have to pay super close attention, and in some cases log in a journal,  to every tiny detail of the physical and emotional  goings on of my kids  and myself.  It’s a time of hyper-focus, dealing with this is  stressful emotionally, financially, intellectually and physically.  One would think all of that alone would provide me with enough writing material to  schedule a new regular series of posts, and the thought has crossed my mind, but each time I’ve hesitated.   I don’t think I am in any place to actually communicate cohesively about this topic, but at this point the  need to get it all out has overcome the need to write well, or write something helpful  for  anyone else .  I’m sure there is a wealth of  material inside this journey, but I’m simply just not at a place yet where I can tell you what that might be.

It’s isn’t enjoyable in the least, there is Mommy guilt, some sort of grief process going because I’m  not exactly adjusted to the idea that a large  part of the communication issues between children and parents,  chaos and struggle in my home is ADHD related, and may have always been ADHD related to some degree.  There is the Mommy Lion aspect because I want my kids to feel normal,  loved,smart, happy.  Discovering I have ADHD  as an adult is mind blowing.  I’m doing that constant internal re- evaluating of everything I thought I knew about me.   I don’t know why it bothers me so much that I have ADHD, or that the kids have ADHD, but it does on multiple levels, some more dark than others.  In short we are a hot mess over here, but it isn’t all bad.  We are all learning a lot, these are growing pains that will settle over time. It’s  just a LOT of change all at once. I think that would challenge almost  anyone.

Notes for any of you who might be  in  a similar place.

• Focalin made MiniMe  nasty, mean, aggressive and overly emotional.   She had trouble going to sleep at night.  She didn’t communicate any of this to us, in spite of telling her repeatedly that she needs to tell us these types of things.  It took me almost 6 weeks to figure it out and we stopped meds cold over the weekend. She has an appt next week to  figure out the next drug we try.
• The Destroyer completed his 4 hours of testing last week and we get the results next week.
• I met with the psychiatrist, after 90 minutes of talking he told me he didn’t need to test me. He put me back on Wellbutrin, because that’s one med they often use with adult ADHD in conjunction with the more typical stimulants like  Adderall etc.  Had me make an appointment for a 2 week follow up and sent me on my way.  I’ve been using the two weeks to pay super close attention to how I feel physically and emotionally each day and make some lifestyle changes to pave the way for possibly going on actual ADHD meds.

I know we can handle this, we are strong, intelligent, resilient people.  We have been through much worse.  ADHD isn’t THAT big of a deal, lot’s of people have it.  Eventually it will be absorbed into our lives as just another detail in the grand scheme of things, something  else to embrace and own.  It could take a while  to get there, meanwhile I will continue to tackle it as eloquently as possible and try not to beat myself up over the inevitable missteps.