It’s been a banner BGP week here LoviesPosted: 2012/06/22
Happy Friday Lovies! This week was interesting.
Father’s Day went well, Babu got a big banner sign and the ability to stay in bed while The Destroyer and I fetched breakfast. We worked around the house and then went out to Mexican followed by a trip to see Madagascar 3. Afro Circus has been stuck in my head all week.
Tuesday brought the 10 year Anniversary of my Dad’s death and a trip to a park for lunch with my Mother, requested by her. I haven’t spoken much to my family since Thanksgiving of 2010. There was rudeness from my youngest brother towards Babu as well as a ridiculous scene where my Mother threw my then 8 year old of out her house for being rude to the same Uncle. I sent MiniMe to apologize as we were all awkwardly leaving and when she came out I asked her what Grandma had to say, her response was “nothing”. I love my Mother, but she and my brothers are not exactly well versed or very comfortable with emotional things. I have huge issues with my childhood, most of them are resolved, but isn’t it funny how in moments of anger or misunderstandings we can so easily fall back on our deeply implanted knee jerk reactions? My Mother and not being “hers” and thereby not treated as well or loved as much as my brothers is an easy go to for me. My solution to that pain has always been to get as far away from “those people” as humanly possible. Why bother to wish for better relationships that others are seemingly incapable of providing. Then there was a small scene at my youngest brothers wedding reception, the only time we have seen them, where my Mother repeated more than once that she couldn’t believe we came. This was after the woman called me and asked us to please sit in the front pew with her so she wouldn’t be alone. We got up when they released our table for food and quietly walked out the door without a word. I was not going to be a part of something that would mar my new SIL’s day, even if I never talk to her. I vowed to be completely done at that point. I’ve forced ( yes forced, because they are mad too) the kids to make cards on important occasions, we still send gifts for things. There have been a few awkward drop offs of stuff for the kids to Babu and an email from her here and there. The past 2 years have been kind of nice being able to celebrate any holiday however I choose and simply leave them to their own devices. I didn’t really like the broken relationship, but very much enjoyed the freedom that went with it.
She sent me an email over 3 weeks ago and requested Tuesday’s lunch. I took a few days to think about it and replied with a simple yes. Not knowing what her current emotional state was, I assumed it was going to be something confrontational, or some big news like she was getting remarried, or cutting me out of her will etc.. It was none of those things. We spent about 30 minutes making small talk about my oldest brothers impending wedding, to which my family is not invited, what the kids and extended family members are up to etc. I always prep myself for the worst with my family, it is the one group of people that can strip me of my confidence. As we were standing in the parking lot ready to leave she asked me, ” So Laura, can we be friends again?” My response, “ We can try it, but you’re going to have to make up to the kids on your own.” She seemed surprised they were mad at her. Then I spent the next however many minutes getting my points out as quickly as possible. This is how I have discussion with my Mom, she isn’t comfortable with all that open emotional sharing. We covered the Thanksgiving incident, turns out she had hugged MiniMe and told her it was ok, as well as didn’t mean to be snotty at the wedding. I told her we probably should of discussed it after it happened and made a barrage of points about how things would have to be moving forward because I am no longer a little girl I am a grown woman of 41. Before she held up her hand with the stop it’s too much signal. In the past, I would of pushed for a reconciliation of some kind on my own, the last two years I decided why bother, let them come to me, as you can see it took her a while.
While standing in the parking lot we covered me telling her I’ve forgiven her for anything she did to me as a kid, because it made me who I am and I now have a MUCH better understanding of how hard parenting really is. Every Mothers screws up, some more than others. I told her I recognized that finding out I was molested had to rock her, but there wasn’t anything she could of done about it. Given our relationship when I was 10-11 I was never going to tell her, for fear she would blame or punish me. I explained my dislike of the way everyone in my family handled emotions, we don’t have them, show them and we especially don’t talk about them, except me. I can’t keep things in, I have to get things out to feel better. It is easy, sometimes too easy, to tell exactly how I am feeling.
The family dynamic was different for my Dad and I. It took my husband to point out to me several years ago that the rest of family was jealous of the relationship I had with my Dad. That Vitamin E was different with me than with anyone else. I honestly had never figured that out, after I pondered for a long while I agreed he was right. I slung this back to my Mom on Tuesday with something along the lines of Dad was emotionally connected to me and I’m tired of the rest of you hating me for it. “You were the only one who could ever communicate with him”, was Mom’s response. It’s because at my core I am my Dad. I got my emotions from my ‘real” Mother but the absolute rest of me is all Vitamin E. What wasn’t passed along in DNA was taught to me by example and living with him. He wasn’t a perfect Dad, there are some areas the man was sorely lacking, but as an adult and a parent now I get it. He was human. He loved me, that was enough.
I apologized to my Mom for not reaching out to her and clarifying what had transpired between she and MiniMe. MiniMe inherited my emotional landscape and I was partially trying to protect her from “them”. I apologized for being overly sensitive to her remarks at the wedding. But seriously if people would just have mature adult open honest communications , a lot of bad feelings and unneeded drama could be avoided in relationships. It was when I got to the, “I’m not saying there can’t be any more inappropriate reactions (I’m the first person to recognize you cannot control how you feel about something upon initial reaction), but if things like this happen in the future we are going to have to communicate about it”. That’s when she reached her breaking point and put her hand up. In the past I would of gotten pissed off that she was shutting me down and pushed harder, but now I can recognize that she just can’t go any further. There is long mostly ugly with some bright spots history there, but she is trying and as long as she is trying this adult can try too. I hope I don’t end up regretting this, but I am glad for the closure and renewed peace.
Yesterday, out of the blue, I was suddenly ready to write and send a long overdue email of forgiveness and owning my screw ups to a friend who horribly violated my trust in multiple ways during the train wreck summer. I just wanted her to know that I no longer carried hate and anger because I could recognize my personal missteps and the situational issues of the relationship. I shared my apologies, let her have it in a respectful way because I’d never done that other than to throw her out of my life when things first came to light, professed my wish for her to have her best life possible because she deserves it and signed off. Shorty once said that losing a bestie is worse than a boyfriend break-up, I agree and this was my break-up closure letter. My karmic cleanser.
It’s been a banner week for the BGP, two pieces of open emotional business handled, which is good because I need that extra room to tackle my running plan for the next 4 weeks and the continued adventures in ADHD going on in my home. Hope you had a great week and plans to enjoy a fabulous weekend.