Almost Divorce: Closure Part 1
Posted: 2012/06/07 | Author: Lola | Filed under: Ramblings | Tags: my personal catfish story |
I finished the Almost Divorce Story a few months ago, the week of my 41st Birthday to be exact. About a month later AJ ( Part 5, Part 6) found the blog. He looked around a little bit and contacted me, which produced the first instance of organic closure to the situation outside of what I gave myself by writing it in the first place. AJ has tried to email randomly from time to time over the last 2.5 years, he was the first gone wild boy. Previously his emails were obviously trying to get him to eventually come play or hook up in some manner, I didn’t want to do that so I repeatedly ignored him. I don’t need or want that kind of drama or additional emotional and time management in my life. Those days are long over for me. His initial email was unexpected and I read it with a tiny bit of apprehension. He isn’t the first to find me, nor did we have any unfinished business per se, but AJ and I spent a lot of time together, he knows that world, he knows my story because he was a part of it and I decided to indulge the conversation. I was glad I did. Excerpts below, with some changes for privacy and spelling.
AJ to Me:
Hey Laura,
Popped on this account to flush it out, and saw Google+ stuff about you. Lurked and found CloserToLola. Truth be told, not interested in any postings because we are long since through, but was hooked in by the AD Timeline.
I was curious if I was The Big Guy. But also noticed that I didn’t make it into the timeline, I guess it really focuses in on that weird dude who you told me about. ( This description is funny b/c it’s just so innocuous, weird, yes just weird is a simple way to sum it up nicely)
Anyway, just wondering. I hope you have a wonderful day.
AJ
Me to AJ:
Yes it isn’t hard to put the two together if you try hard enough. I don’t mind being found, just curious as to the details. how specifically did you put it together? You’re not the first 🙂
The Big Guy came after emore ( the weird guy) and I imploded. He started last year around my birthday and ended right before Memorial Day. I am pretty sure you are in there somewhere. You were first so of course you had to be in the story. I hope you are well.
Best,
Laura
AJ to Me:
So here is how I found the blog:1.) Log into throwaway account on a computer, first time in forever. (This is good news, because it means he is probably better settled into his marriage and maybe even being a good boy. My hope for all the guys has always been that they have the best life possible, they ALL deserve it, even poor weird Paul/emore)
2.) See Google+ notifications, click out of curiosity and saw you.
3.) Lurked/creeped to see how you have been, wanted to make sure you found your happy place.
4.) Saw a Google+ post to the blog
5.) See mostly stuff that I’m not interested in, about to close and see the serial about when we knew each other.
6.) Read the timeline, because I didn’t want to go through everythingI asked if I was the Big Guy because I knew that we had talked while everything was going crazy with emore, and that was around last year. I might find time to read the entire story one day, but if I was Big Guy, I was flattered that you felt that I help your through your situation.
You wrote alot about the topic, and it doesn’t surprise me since it caused a lot of drama in your life. I really do hope that all is well with you. As for me, the wheels are still on and moving forward if that means anything, lols.You look great, btw.AJ
Me to AJ:
I have found my happy place, or at least I know where it is and how to get there now if that makes any sense.
You are AJ
Your story is mostly here and maybe the next one, I think. Curiosity will get the better of you at some point and you will sit down and read it anyway. ( He didn’t read the whole thing, but after this convo he definitely read more, blog stats can be very telling especially when it is a small blog like this one with only 1-150 hits a day)
I hope you know I wrote everything I did from a raw and honest place, you may not like some of it, but I’ve owned it all.
You seem in a good place, glad to hear it.
AJ to Me:
You shouldn’t feel that you need to lead with a disclaimer or apology, your writing is how *you* feel and you have no responsibility to coddle my emotions.
That being said, you gave it to me. It feel it was a pretty accurate summary of how things went and can’t get worked up about that. I was pushy and disrespectful at times and can see that distilled down in your writing. I was a dick. (Yes, he often was)
I am glad you are in a good place and I am happy that you decided to even just respond to my note. The next steps are yours, I will disappear again but if you want to converse that is up to you.
Best wishes for happiness!
AJ
Me to AJ:
I will probably write at some point about this conversation. I’m glad we had it. Enjoy your life.
AJ to Me:
If you do, would you be so kind to email me a link. There something inherently creepy about me lurking your blog. We had our time and that has passed. Keep up the writing though, I hope it gives you what you need. You will not hear from me again.
Best, AJ
Me to AJ:
I will, I think hearing from you opened up some points of view I hadn’t considered and I have some questions for you that will help my processing if you’d be so kind as to share.
1. Can you further explain why reading my blog feels creepy to you
2. Do you think it would also qualify as “creepy” if emore read the blog? aka if you were him would you feel creepy reading it. (Yes I sometimes wonder if Paul has stumbled upon this gold mine of spilling all his probably fake business yet. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t or if he has will remain forever silent, there isn’t anything he needs from me because 90% of what I would say is here for perusing at his own pace and besides who wants to read 20,000+ words about what a piece of shit they were when they already lived it once. Still… I sometimes wonder)
I ask b/c you are a dude with knowledge of the situation, and there aren’t that many of you out there !
AJ, I appreciate your adult ownership and recognition of your actions. I appreciate the checking up on me if you will. I also appreciate your maturity in recognizing we can’t have a friendship past all this closure.
Best,
Laura
AJ to Me:
1. I felt creepy landing on your blog because it was unsolicited and I felt to be invasive of your life since we have parted ways. I did not feel creepy reading about the situation because I was part of it and those were the only posts I dug into. So my level of comfort changed from trespassing to reading about your closure of the subject and feeling closure myself.
2. I can’t speak for him because I wouldn’t know what someone in his position would use the knowledge of this site’s existence for. But knowing what I know about the situation, I would feel that I again was trespassing in your life, as emore has been ejected from your life.
I hope this gives you some insight on how I felt, and am glad we are able to have this conversation. I feel like it will be included in a post and I’m ok with that, as long as I’m still called AJ.
And there is was, out of the blue one Tuesday, some closure I was no longer seeking. It’s funny how things work out when you send things into the universe. AJ’s closure seemed to open some sort of closure portal to the universe.
As promised I let him know I had written about our convo and he sent me this.
AJ to Me:
Send me a permalink when it hits, I’ll read it. But like I said before, I feel like a voyeur, maybe an intruder in your life now that our time has past. You are a lovely and graceful woman. I wish nothing but happiness for you, and because of that I dont want to get sucked back into how interesting you are and risk the life that you have rebuilt. Ironically, that life, while in turmoil, is how we met,I have to respect the healing that you and your family have gone though.
I do respect you reaching out to me about it and I do like that you though about me. I hope all is well with you, sincerely, and always.
AJ
Thanks AJ! I’m very proud of you for taking this route and I know you will go on to live your best life possible. More closure has presented itself in other forms, I’ll share more later Lovies.
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