Almost Divorce Part 37- Baby StepsPosted: 2012/02/23
This series is published roughly once a week on Thursday’s.
You can start at the beginning here
The timeline is here.
Last week we covered Lesson 1 of Reconciliation, We each worked on ourselves. Even before the Divorce got put on hold we both went to individual counseling. Not to work on our marriage but to work on ourselves. What that meant was we were more aware people with a better capability to communicate properly with each other. We had a chance to be able to see mistakes we each had made in our marriage without the others judgement of those mistakes. The great news about this was the change it caused in Babu. In typical man style, before he went to individual therapy he thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, that he had zero issues and that everything was my fault. He was the great “victim” in all of this. He learned he was wrong, that he had shit to own and change and without that realization and the work he put into himself and his actions over the summer we never would have been able to get back together or stay together. He realized there were things about himself that he needed to change, for him, not for me. He found his spine and he found his ability to evolve into a man, not a boy. He recognized things he could have done, should have done differently in our relationship. He discovered what kind of MAN he wanted to be and started to change his thought patterns and actions to become that man. I have talked a ton about doing work on myself so I’m not going to further outline it again. At our core we were still the same people we had always been. The foundation of almost 12 years of being a couple was still there. I once loved this man, he was still very much in love with me. For him what he truly wanted never wavered, I have heard it from him and from my SIL. He was the one in this situation that was trying to never give up while I was the one trying to push him away while I ran. I don’t think you often find love like that, and I’m grateful for it..now. I certainly didn’t always feel so positively about it during this debacle. Knowing he loved me like THAT is part of the reason we are still together today. He looked into himself and found some self respect and learned to love himself and change his actions to demand the respect he deserved from me as well. It was one of the game changers. I also learned a lot of things about our relationship that I needed to handle differently and together we set out to do that. But not at first.
At first we both had to seriously take a moment and determine if it was worth it to even try to get back together. We were as I have said numerous times, HOURS AWAY FROM DIVORCE. We were both over it, it was done, about to be over. It would have been so much easier to simply stay on course. To continue and go to the bank the next day, or the next and get that Divorce Decree notarized and take it to the judge. The kids and the adults were coming out the far end of the emotional tunnel. Everyone was used to the new dynamic and the new schedule. It was on the verge of becoming the new accepted normal. We had all been practicing it for 3 months, a new school year had already begun. Tab told me on more than one occasion that it is best if separations do not last longer than 6 months. She educated me that in her professional opinion, the longer things go on the closer everything DOES become to the new normal and it gets harder and harder to put things back together again. Basically you reach a point where you are actually creating even more new obstacles to a path of reconciliation if you let a separation go on too long. You both get settled into your new lives and re-adjusting them as well as the pressure s of trying to get back or stay together can be too much. I knew the clock was ticking on that window, and I knew I would have to make a firm decision very soon. Ultimately I decided to try because of Paul’s lies and because of our children. I felt I owed it to my kids, myself, and lastly Babu to really take a look at things with my new perspective and explore them. Because of Paul’s lies I couldn’t totally trust all my decisions and actions. His lies pushed me away from Divorce. I should thank him for being a despicable double douche bag. He tried to destroy me and instead played a major part in making my life much better and making me much better. Cheers to you Paul Jay Mathis!
I don’t know who started the, what are we going to do here, conversation, but I do remember the first thing we decided is that Babu would come with the kids and I on a pre-scheduled Bad Gurls and Families Vacation to the Chateau. I think it was probably more like I invited him to see how things went. This trip was scheduled over Labor Day Weekend, mine that year in the Holiday rotation. Before we almost divorced the Bad Gurls hadn’t really mixed the husbands much. I had gotten to know them both better over the summer due to the copious amount of time I spent with everyone. The Bad Gurls were down with Babu coming on the trip if I was and the Chateau is sort of “mine”. It does not belong to my family but we have a very strong claim to it and a long history of spending time there. My father’s ashes are buried on the property and I hadn’t been to visit more than 1-2 times since we put him there when I was preggers with MiniMe. I just told the kids that I invited daddy because The Chateau was a family vacation place and he was going to come. Never during our reconciliation was there a time when we sat those kids down and said Mommy and Daddy are getting back together. There were no guarantees that was going to happen and we were not about to get their hopes or only to break their little hearts again. I was still reeling from Paul, I was still crying almost daily even weeks and weeks later. Even though what Paul broke was a stronger me, not a shell of me that he met, I still had to pick myself back up from that loss and find some solid ground. I needed to make sure I wasn’t just running back to Babu. I needed to see if I thought I could love him again. I needed to see if it looked like we could forgive each other. Babu and I had lots and lots and LOTS to work through and I couldn’t do it all while in the state of grief I was in. We had to take baby steps.
More to come soon Lovies!