Almost Divorce Part 30- I ask God for help Part 1

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

That weekend with PJ was nice, We even spend most of the rest of the week talking. It is the last week he will be home before he heads back to school, and closer to me.  I’ll get to that but first something bigger has to be covered.

I’m going to talk about God for awhile.  I believe in Him.   To be honest I’m not really keen on the whole Jesus is the only one true way to heaven thing. I’m sorry if that make some of you sad, but I assure you I am good with it.  I am also good with God. He came into my life at a very early age when people I refer to as my god parents helped take care of me after my Mom died until my Dad remarried when I was 3.   He was a Nazarene minister and she was a true woman of God.   She taught me about unconditional love and no matter how bad things are at home I needed to remember that Jesus/God loved me. God has worked and been present in my life.  He has taken care of me and allowed me to be.   Learning and knowing and feeling like God loved me was probably one of the things that got me through my childhood and early adulthood.   When  I was going through  this I stopped going to church at some point  and didn’t start again until after Mother’s Day.  When I started again the Husband was not going with me.  I was going alone and taking the kids.  Part of our Divorce Decree was that I be allowed to take the kids to church with me on any Sunday even if I didn’t have custody of them that week.   When  I started back we had been gone so long we no longer had name tags.  I remember telling PJ and him asking how big my church was.   I needed God and I loved my church.   I’ve written about how when they found out about this blog they decided I wasn’t worthy to serve in  any capacity and least of all in the preschool room. I decided I didn’t need to go  there  anymore.   But during this time period the church was really helping me. I started volunteering to fill some of my empty weekends.  It seemed that every week there was a great sermon on something I needed to hear and gave me the strength to ponder on how I might apply it to my life and my actions.   Isn’t that the  spiritual goal churches are going for, other than getting your money.   It costs money to properly worship the Lord you know. The last I checked the only thing it took to properly worship the Lord was me and HIM.   I’m not saying I am a spiritual adviser and I’m not bragging but I really think God walked and talked with me more  once I  stepped into my mud room that awful evening and begged him to help me get through the night until I could put the kids to bed and then break down.   I walked through the rest of that first evening The Husband moved out in kind of an eerie calm.  It was the first time I understood the difference between me calm and God calm.    When you are God calm in spite of the roiling turmoil right under the surface you can still be a  good enough Mom to get your kids bathed and in bed for that first  night alone with only Mommy.   In the several months I slept alone I woke up with a little Destroyer next to me in bed probably 5  mornings a week.  It was such a habit he didn’t even ask or wake me up anymore, he just climbed onto his Daddy’s old spot and went back to sleep.   He did the same thing at his Dad’s house.  I often woke up with a furry monster on his Daddy’s old side of the bed too.  I honestly don’t know how I did it if  God wasn’t there.  I called on Him to carry me through  often during this journey.   As I let Him in my inner thoughts more and started making God part of my healing and learning process sometimes I would feel like he sent me thoughts or signs or helped me solve problems.   Usually this happened in the shower and usually while I was crying. These epiphanies would come out of the blue, sort of  like thoughts that would pop into my head.  I don’t know if God has ever talked to you, but the very same pastor who  sent me packing was the one who described God talking to you like that one Sunday.    and I knew exactly what he meant. I would enter those showers and just sob under the water.  Then I would just get quiet and start doing whatever it was I had to do in there.  Then a thought would pop into my head, and it would  come out of no where and make TOTAL sense. So I would grab onto  it and start working through what it could mean.   I’m not saying my own inner wants didn’t influence this interpretation, it is not like GOD wrote on my mirror.     I started using my 3×5 cards to journal them and then posting them up on my dream board where I could see them every minute I was in the Home Office if I needed to.  I added to the board over the summer as I journaled on the cards more and more,  I started paying more attention to where that Godly advice led me. What I could do with it to better my situation and my emotional state.   I also spent a lot of time on my back patio smoking, reading, listening to music and drinking wine or beer.   I’d spend my last few minutes before going to bed at night looking up at that same sky Pj and I were under and checking out the moon.  I never saw any Godly signs in those stars, but I started noticing something repetitive in the cloud watching game.   Clouds that looked like doves.   Sometimes there would be just one, sometimes two, sometimes a really big one. But the more I noticed the more they were there and I took them as a universal heavenly sign from God to me.  All I wanted was peace, peace in my soul, my heart, my homes, my life. I wanted peace and closure.   I wanted to stop acting ten different ways but I just wanted to STOP feeling THIS way.   I didn’t really share this God talking to me thing with anyone.  I was already questioning my sanity enough with what I was going through.  But I did my best to take the advice.

Some of it was:

It’s  Not your turn:

I used this one to try not to  communicate so quickly or in rapid succession.  My friends will tell you I must of lost that skill in transition because rapid succession texts are  probably my trade mark.  This works fine with people who know you very well, but not so much with dudes you aren’t trying to think you are clingy and needy.   I have a tendency to chase attention when I see it waning. It’s an old habit and a bad one.   When I would do this I would usually continually up the effort until it got to the point I had had to ask myself the “is this creepy” question.  The bad thing about that is by the time you have to ask yourself that question it is WAY past creepy already.  If I reminded myself that it wasn’t my turn. If I  chose to live with the uncomfortable feeling not getting said attention was causing. If I just breathed and waited and taught myself to turn my attention to together things. Then if the guy cared about me and was a good guy, that attention was coming and it would get here as soon as it id. I  could not set the tone and pace and control it. I would have to learn to change myself and my thinking and action in order to learn to wait my turn.   Hello my name is Lola and I learned to wait my turn when I was 39. Thanks God!

Take My Time:

I didn’t have to make all decisions so quickly or act upon every impulse immediately. I could apply that same choosing to live with crappy feeling while searching for a better way logic to this area too.   I’m sorry if this is turning into a self help book on how to work on yourself, but more than a few of you have asked me questions personally that amount to ” explain  the true meaning of working on yourself, what is the magic bullet to solving the issue”.   I have tried to explain it but never really in a well spoken version until the other day in the car when my bestie  Baker and I took a long night drive and spent some quality time together.   I think has been coming out in all the writing I’ve been doing  in the last 10 days.

God talked to me about PJ too:

• Trust
• Love Him
• Let Go
• Give yourself permission to let go

In retrospect those first two were probably about GOD, not Paul.   I wasn’t really ready to read it that way yet though. I always like to think that ” I got this”.

After I made my 8 week proclamation and after I had my  Go Radio  conversation with PJ I sat down the next a Sunday afternoon and started a written journal.   Why not a blog? Because I needed to be off the internet. A written journal gave me something tangible to hold onto, a written journal gave my hands something to do beside d click mouse buttons, it gave me somewhere to focus my eyes besides my computer monitor. I wrote in that thing sitting in the same place I would of been sitting had I been on line.  In my chair in the home office.   I spent the whole next few weeks and then months writing in that thing.  When I started it I literally had to write the time of day next to my notations. That way I could see when the last time I’d needed to get it out and write it our instead of  communicate with PJ online.  I  also started writing more about the communications we did have those last few weeks. It was like I had already started  documenting when I didn’t know it was coming.  I’m a PMP, we create documents to make sense of things.  God allowed me to start working it out myself as I was ready to handle what the truth was going to bring. I don’t think I realized what i was doing when I started writing that very first afternoon., but on page 3 I wrote

 So God please help me. Please help me to deal and go through the pain now so I can release it and be strong enough to take it in the future.    I don’t think I recognized it at the time I was doing it.  I was just in the alone place bubble trying to work on me without the chaos and God was there too.  I haven’t read the journal in many many months.  I sat  and read it tonight as this was just about finished. It is pretty amazing to  read myself  more than a year later on this topic.  That poor girl was a hot damn mess.

More to come Lovies.