Almost Divorce Part 29- The final countdown August begins

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

PJ was often going away on Fridays.  I had kid switch on Fridays.  So even if we made it through  Mon-Thu with no talking, which we rarely did , we seemed to  always have a Friday conversation.  I told him on July 27 that I didn’t want to talk to him for 8 weeks.  I told my husband  the same thing on the same day. I don’t want to hear anything from either of you about being with me, I’m checking out of this mess.   It seems I might of made it all the way to  Friday August 6.   By this time I was starting to recognize that if I truly wanted to walk away from PJ and rid my life of him, that I was going to be hunkering down for an all out battle with myself.   I had put on my BGP, I was starting to own it.   It was taking me a while but it was happening.  I think we sometimes have no idea how badly we are broken and what an extreme act of strength getting back up and back together was until we look back from the far end and go….”Wow, that was some fucked up shit I just healed from there. Why yes, I am  a badass”.   I  have usually already made a few stops along he way to look back and have the I’m a badass reaction, only to discover I’ve got so far to go.   There were a few times I just sat down and basked/wallowed for a while.   I guess that is why they call it a journey :-). I don’t remember what baby steps we took as July closed Lovies because I’m taking  you into August now.  PJ will vanish, he won’t be back until early December, and the Big Guy doesn’t arrive until February.

The first weekend in August PJ went away.   He was going to a wedding with S, D couldn’t go because he was at an art conference in New Mexico. PJ thought this was funny because D was supposed to be meeting S’s family, they had just gotten engaged earlier in the summer.   PJ and D were very different according to PJ.  I must of mowed the lawn on Thursday before he left because I have a notation that I sent a pic to him about taking care of the trim.   PJ and I had sort of a lawn thing going, since battling the lawnmower was one of mt wish there was man here to do this frustrations and he mowed lawns for extra money.  Back in May he taught me how to change the spark plug in the mower so I could get it started and mow the lawn as a single woman caring for a house and yard for the first time.   He also walked me through a very stressful day where I had to figure out how to change the tire on the Mazda, only to discover that the spare was flat too.  I had let my AAA membership lapse because I couldn’t afford it.  later once my mom clues in to how bad things really are she starts coming over for a several hours every other week and  doing things like cleaning my entire house for me.  She  renewed my membership not long after that, especially since I had it since I was 16 as a gift from my Dad. She also got an embarrassing surprise when she decided to vacuum my closet and look behind the door. I had created sort of a private PJ shrine back there. Like a teenager I had taped up all the pics he sent me and  the reminders of why he adored me.   Whenever I needed to have a melt down or a PJ moment and I had kids in the house I would just go in my closet and shut the door and cry or scream or whatever I needed to do.  I remember I was changing the sheets on my bed while she was vacuuming, when she went into the closet I thought oh please don’t close the door.  Yep, she closed the door and then vacuumed for what seemed like hours while I finished up the bed and then went into the bathroom. I thought I was going to DIE but I knew she wouldn’t say anything.  If I didn’t say anything we could simply pretend it never happened. My family is good at pretending nothing is going on and never discussing it. It usually drives me crazy but I was very grateful for it that day.

It was a flying trip and Friday night he gets online and we start chatting.   We may have been flirting the day before but today it is all very friendly and tender.  He gives me the recap of the events so far, we talk about what we have been up to. We spend roughly 20 or so minutes maybe talking. It was the last time I will see his face and I can’t even remember if he cammed up or not.  Here are the things I remember from that day.

He made a point of sending a song to me that day, something he hadn’t done in quite a while. I’m pretty sure I quit asking when he gave me  Something Corporate Konstantine with an intro of  this ought to keep you busy for awhile  and then sauntered off to shower.  When I asked him if he had knowledge of the lyrics in the song before he sent it, his reply was  Not really,  I just knew it was 7 min long.  Yet, it wasn’t long before It is always you in my big dreams started popping up on his status messages. Finding out this song is in The Notebook made me NOT watch The Notebook. I haven’t read the book either and I doubt I could be convinced. There are some mind trips not worth taking the risk of having.       I have a song for you, he says. It was on my CD in the magazine I brought on the flight out and it’s the perfect song for us.  He sends me the link.

I pull it up and start to listen.   Lovies, if you haven’t listened to any music I have linked on this blog go listen to this one.   Isn’t that the sweetest most romantic song you’ve ever heard?  I know, me too.  It was swoony and gut wrenching at the time.  Now to pull us all out of our, but he was soooooo sweeeettttt, revelry. Let me remind you that he sent this on AUGUST 6, He will be POOF GONE by the 25th.

I am holding to together while I listen to the song.  Then before all the I’ll always adore you’s he sends me an email with a picture in it.   Just thought I’d send you a smile.  Inside is a picture of a  suited up PJ wearing glasses and sitting in a hotel room in front of his laptop looking at me.  But he isn’t smiling. His eyes look tender and sad. There is not really a smirk but not really a frown on his face.  He just looks like PJ sitting there and he looks so cute.

I tell him I’m sorry but I have to go now, all of this is getting to be too much for me.  I’m sorry, I over stepped.  I adore you.  Just so you  know that I meant everything I said to you.  Even if we don’t  ever talk I will always adore you.   PJ was big on the phrase  Just so you know.   He never had to tell you something, there was only  just so you know.

More to come soon Lovies.