Almost Divorce Part 28 The beginning of the end of PJ

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

All  good times with PJ must come to an end.  Without end there would be no roller coaster ride.   On the 20th of July, probably after a therapy session, I did something.  I honestly don’t remember what that something was.  I have details of the things that happen next, when everything imploded I started to put it all together backwards.   I know from this moment on I start to pull away in bigger steps.  I had to of pushed the point of being together again, but I imagine it had a different spin this time.  I think that spin was probably something along the lines of  I’m moving on, you need to figure out if you’re ready to lay it all out on the line. I know I did it on a Tuesday and I know I chose that day  because he would have his therapy on Thursday.   I think this had something to do with me telling me he needed to answer a question, and  assuming it would take conversation with his therapist to do.  I also knew he would choose NOT to discuss  whatever it was with his therapist. I knew he would simply completely ignore that I even sent those emails and would just wait for a time when he could get me to talk to him again.  Even at the end of this roller coaster trip I was already getting up and turning around to see how quickly I might get back on the ride again.  I had ridden it so many times I knew what to expect.  I knew it was over and the only remaining question was, “will I still be available and open to PJ if he comes to find me”. The crux of that still being, If PJ had come to find me as a man with a verifiable identity and just chosen to be himself;  why yes I am available to be patient while you get your shit together.   I wasn’t asking for the perfect flawless man. I just wanted him to fearlessly be himself and and to want to be with me.    I had somehow closed the  door with a gentle edict of go get your shit together and then come find me because I can’t really wait any longer for you to figure this all out.  I probably said something like If you’d like to open up and pour your heart out to me I’ll consider speaking to you before your shit is together.   I probably sent it in an email, which he probably ignored, and I probably sent another email, which he also ignored.    I was no longer willing to ignore the cycle, I wanted to get off the ride. I was tired of always feeling this way, it was awful and emotional exhausting and time consuming.  There was never a happy ending at the end of the ride, and we had started amending them, they were getting dangerously close to something like what actually happened.   The summer is coming to a close, PJ has to move back to wherever school is by mid-august. He is a teaching grad-student in art at a school 45 minutes from me, rememeber.

I know I did it on the the 20th, because I have the first notation of “little things” listed  on the 22 and I had already checked one of those faster way over is under items from the list. That’s the day OGC learned I was not bad out of bed via phone either.  I needed to screams someone else’s name , and he was the lucky recipient.    Ramen Noodles on sale at Kroger have already made me cry and the damn moon is as big as a fucking saucer.   I also know that  I made and sent a voice memo to PJ. I’m just sitting there talking and it is basically good luck, good bye.  Even then I needed closure. I really think I started chasing the closure then. If i’d just ognored himw hen he pulled the nuke the first email stunt I never would of been in this mess, but here  I was.   At the end  you can tell I am breaking down to cry, but I don’t actually get there before I end it.  I do not believe I ever let Paul see or hear me psychically cry.   He has seen me freshly after a few good cries, I have told him I did cry or am crying. But I never let him see me do it.   If he did it was a pure frustrated at The Husband cry and didn’t have anything to do with him.  I have never seen PJ cry, but I have seen tears in his eyes.   He tells me about not being able to get to sleep or stay asleep and crying about/for/over me all the time. Classic sociopaths like to do a lot of boohoo-ing over how bad they feel when they hurt you.   I didn’t realize I as allowing  PJ to repeatedly emotionally rape me  until about a month after he vanished. VinD explodes after I make a comment about being willing to hear PJ’s side of the truth.  “That dude emotionally raped you for 5 months, why would you even talk to him?”.    When he put it in those terms to me I was shocked, because he was right.   Realizing that sucked. When I sent that audio clip I figured it was the closest thing I was going to get to closure with PJ. I knew he wasn’t going to do anything differently from before and suddenly become a flowing fountain  spewing  nothing but facts and words to make me swoon.  There was never a ” I love you enough to be motivated to actually touch you, Lola“, moment coming for me.  I will only tell you this, not getting  the guy you wanted is a whole lot different from finding out he was some creeper making the whole thing up.  And that you will never know who he really is even though he made  drastic impressions on your life.  I probably sent that audio over the weekend and went on with my life.  I started doing some online research about online relationships and how that plays out in real life.   One idea given was  to stay away from the online person for 8 week. 8 week with zero online contact. At the end of that time you could meet and decide if you still wanted to pursue things  in touchable life.   This sounded like a good tool to use to assist with breaking free of PJ so I discussed it with Tab.  I wanted to add one more level and also not allow The Husband to talk to me about getting back together.  I knew my final divorce date would pass within this 8 weeks, the first month of school would pass before the end of this 8 weeks. It would be 8 weeks where I could  just get to be me getting on with my life, and wherever worthwhile it was going to take me.

On July 27 late in the evening, I have this conversation with PJ, it is here thanks to OCR software so there are still some typos in it, .

Message
PJ M <stillnotPJy@gmail.com>
To: Lola
10.45 PM
me: Id like to try not to talk to you for about 8 weeks
PJ: ok if that’s what you need
me: you know what i need
PJ: i know
me: but i know us
PJ: thats why im trying to stay off
me: you know us too
PJ: i know
me: well baby step adn next thing you know well be right back here
and each time its gets more and more permananet
PJ: i know
me: not much more permanent left
PJ: i know there isnt
me: scary place
PJ: very
me: can see the lure of the light on the other door
but can’t stop looking behind me
seeing my pic on gwp really really hurt me

SIDE NOTE:  I had gone back into GWP with a new user account to check things out prior to giving the 8 weeks edict. While there I had a surprise of PJ posting pics on GWP. One of them had been a pic he sent to me with  an email titled in the morning I think of you.  It was a naked back of PJ’s body  facing the corner edge of the bed and my empty spot next to him.   I did not enjoy finding that on GWP, nor did I enjoy reading the flirting all over it.  There was also another post, of a picture I’d never seen before and in it PJ has a full beard.  Seeing those things and being able to take notice of what he’d been up to while I was gone had opened my eyes even further.      Holes were starting to form in PJ.  It was also near here, not in December that I go back into Skype  and see his contacts have shot from 12 to 25 while I was out of chat.  So he has  doubled his Skype list while pretending to be PJM.  He has been busy while I haven’t been watching and I don’t like it because it makes me insecure about how many other girls he must be camming with.

PJ: im sry

not my best decision
me- completely ruined the last bit of good
i forgive you
PJ: thank you
me: did i make you feel that way when i r randomly posted some of your things
PJ: yeah
me: im sorry
PJ: its ok
me: i probably had more mlaice intended than you did
i know where to hit
always i know wher to hit
PJ yep
me: i htink thats why i love boxing so much
PJ: lol
me: so has it been ciroc
or whisky
PJ: alot of everything (Sociopaths are often alcoholics or drug abusers, but then again so are depressed people)
me: shakes head
PJ: anything i could get my hands on –
me: why
PJ: let me loose time for a while  ( It’s LOSE dumbass, not loose)
me: why
PJ: so i dont have to think or worry
dont have to remeber
me: remember what
PJ: anything
me: hows that working out for you baby
PJ: not the best
me: you’re way past due the talk you owed me
PJ: i know
me: im not pleased
PJ: i tried to unplug
me: nope
PJ: and i didnt come back thur
me: you tried to drink yourself into cant speak
PJ: that too
me: the guy i adored knows what the right thing to do is
and almost always does it
right now
youre not him
PJ: no im not
me: youve moved to MY left of center
take that in
PJ: i am
me: its time you got off your ass and did the work, enough with the pit of despair
gentle font
PJ: im going to
me: dont going
DO
I AM
i know neither of us likes it this way
PJ yep
me: are you able to level with me yet, pour it all out
PJ: i dont know what to say Lola
me: tell me what you feel
PJ: i feel that i cant keep draging you back
me: and what else
PJ: right now thats all i can do  ,
there is time before i can move forward
to a point that you are at
me: youre acknowleding you would like me to abstain from burning every memory i have of you in effigy… and all you can muster is you don’t want to drag me back>
PJ: no
me: are you drunk, stoned or in fucking tc PJ
PJ: stoned
me: fine, go on
PJ: lately no matter how hard i try i cant not dream of you
or go my day without thinking something about you

10:55 PM me: do you remember them yet
PJ: my dreams?
me: yes
PJ: not fully
they allways have somthing to do with us spending timetogher
me: be everything in you wants me with you
minus the pit of despair
PJ: i know
me: stop addint that TO the pit of despair and go do your fucking work
PJ: alright
i orderd that book last night at 2am
me: right after listening to me say goodbye for the 500th time
PJ: yep
me: why do you keep listening to that
PJ: idk
me: what are you getting out of it emotionally
PJ: not sure
me: well how do you feel when you do it
PJ: bad for hurting you the way i have
me: anything else
PJ: sad
me: greiving sad?
PJ: idk
my emotions are all fucked latley
me: no kidding
anything else
PJ: not that i can think of right now
but i dont really want to listen to it again
ive gone all day wiht out
me: so when you reach for the button to pushpay, what are you looking forward ot doing?
feeling bad?
ahh
ok
have you stopped lisneting to other things too
PJ: yes
me: good
you need to disconnect ME from eveerything that sex is about for you
PJ: alright
me: its a lot harder to do than youd think
PJ: i know
me: ive been trying
cleansing you from my bed, my fapping, my sex
im like 1 for 3
PJ: farther along than me
i still sleep in the corner
think of you in the morning
me: you can fix that when youre back in muncie
i doubt you ever did that there
PJ: did last time i stayed there
me: thursday?
PJ: no
last weekend when i took a nap
the time before
me: was it hard walking in to early little things
PJ: when i was there?
me: yeah
PJ: yeah im going to have to take the picture down behind the couch
me: why?
PJ: cause i rember seeing it behind me all the time
me: ah
PJ: and i imagine there will be alot more
me: yep
hits me eveyr day
PJ: prol done eating ramen
me: at least once
adn they are always new ones
PJ: ill have to find some cheap new food
me: cept the sky
that ones gonna suck for along time
PJ: yeah
esp with the giant moon tonight
me: and I last night
PJ: yep
i watched it for hrs
me: creid
PJ: that too
last night was the first i slept for more than 45 min in a few
me: ok its time for us to stop
PJ: ok
me: 9-20
=8
PJ: ok
me: please try to stay away
PJ: ill do my best
me: i know
PJ: hopefully i will go away and the better PJ wilt come (REALLY???, yes really he  said that)
me: shrugs
dont hope
do
PJ: alright
im going to
me: no
you will
PJ: iwill
me: smiles andnods
no baby steps back
PJ: nope
only steps forward
me: ok
yes im training the o bacK in
and it sucks too you asshat ❤
PJ: 🙂
me: im going to be doing my work and moving on
PJ: alright
me: this is permament until proven other wise for me
PJ: ok
right now its really for the best for you (doesn’t seem to be all that broken up  about it does it, he is basically saying go away)
me: yes and it wahat i want
PJ: alright
me: surely you compeltly get why
PJ: i understand fully
me: good
The Husband doesnt get to talk crap about coming back to him for 8 weeks either im fucking done with this bull shit
PJ: sounds like you have a good 8 weeks coming up
me: i certainly have plans for it to be
PJ: good
me: but ill be doing my own work so that gonna suck ass sometimes for me too
PJ: yep
me: i have VinD to keep me on task
PJ: thats good
s is going to keep me on track when i go back
me: i hope you mean sara
PJ: yes
me: grr
PJ: ?
me: made my heart jump a tny bit with the s
PJ: sry
me: k ok k
ive stayed too long already were like 2 min away from all the melty stuff
PJ: yeah
me: and i cant deal with that right now
PJ: me either
me: bye
PJ: bye Lola
me: whose going to say it first
PJ: i adore you see you in 8
me: i adore you too im not holding my breath baby but you feel free to prove me wrong

I am saying I’m going away and this is permanent. He is saying Go on ahead it is what is best for  you, but I am working to do something about this because I don’t like it either.    I went off to paying more attention to OGC and the Monkey Fucker and waited to see what PJ would do next.   I mean he is still sleeping in a new spot on the bed to leave room for me, because once we discussed bed sides and discovered conflict. He moved his side of the bed to leave an open space for me. One that was there when he actually went to sleep, and still empty when he woke up however many times and hours later throughout the night.  Even after it is over, PJ is still leaving my spot empty and open when he goes to sleep.   Even if he doesn’t start there he wakes up in the corner,  turns around and discovers I am not there.

More to come soon Lovies.