Almost Divorce Part 26- PJ settles into his identityPosted: 2012/01/05 Filed under: Dating and Relationships, Ramblings | Tags: BGP, Big Girl Panties, my personal catfish story 1 Comment
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
As I was settling into my new role of divorcing part time single mother and milf slut, PJ was settling into his new full identity. He is still operating under the PJGW email account and he only ever had the PJGW Skype account. He changes his profile information on both those to PJM and adds his birthday to Skype. I am not his only GW contact on these communications channels, PJ had lots of friends and he is pretending his first name and last initial to them all. This leads me to believe that perhaps he is not lying about his name, but rather the geographical places in some of his detailed life stories. It doesn’t dawn on me at the time of that thought how far reaching and exhausting even that would of had to be. Not until I had to take my mind on a trip through every memory and re-examine it, sometimes repeatedly with new eyes each time. PJ is still going to GWP and I am still not, so whenever there are lengthy gaps in our conversation I get internally bitchy wondering if he is in there and who he is enjoying talking to more than me. It wasn’t really a very healthy reaction but it helps to fuel my shortening of conversations that go on like that for too long. I had basically banned the laptop from my upstairs back in June when PJ dumped me. Never again did I want to go to bed with or wake up next to a laptop. It was the biggest symbol of PJ in my bed and when he dumped me I didn’t want it anywhere near my bedroom. I wanted my bed, and my fapping and my sex back from him and for me. PJ knows I am dating but we don’t talk about it much. He never brings it up, we weren’t pretending to be just friends but we weren’t really making active plans to be together either. Once we started camming up it wasn’t long before it got more intimate. I still made him work for every bit of it though. It was hard for me to trust him enough to be persuaded to get naked again, to bring a laptop into my bed again. So much so that I’m pretty sure when he finally talked me into getting naked with him I cammed up on the couch instead of in bed. I was making a point, my bed is for me. Once the naked arrived, the trusting would reach a high, before it would plummet down and crash. This was our last ride and that final climb and high lasted almost 4 weeks.
As we progressed through those four weeks from June 28 to July 20. I was told that PJ told S he was planning to commute back and forth to school from my house the weeks I didn’t have the kids. We teased about after the kids were in bed late night stealth visits for the weeks they were there. I’m just certain those of would of gone off without a hitch of any kind, definitely a solid plan there. PJ sends me an email and a chat contact request from a new real life address, stillPJ@gmail.com. “You’re the first one to get this, You’re the first one to chat with me on this”. Who does that? What kind of sick fucker fakes his identity and then just runs with it? PJ was digging in to this PJM thing, he was committed to it. Previously we had discussed kids, as in would I be willing to have any more? My body cannot carry anymore children in spite of the fact that I still have plenty of eggs to make them. In that initial conversation I had agreed to a surrogate. Dating around had given me more time to consider future children and decide that I did not have the desire to have any more infants of any kind in my life. I was about to be 40, I did not have the desire or energy to go through another infant and I’m also just not that OK with some other lady growing my baby. This is kind of a big flip in stance so I feel it is only fair to give PJ a heads up. This could be a deal breaker and as a man he needs to know kids with me are no longer on the table. I’m pretty sure PJ has a strong desire to be a Dad coupled with the fear that he would make a bad one. If he is going to continue sticking around and somewhat chasing after me then he deserves the true package at the end. One night while we are chatting I just flat out tell him. I just basically said “Hey PJ you know those fake kids I promised when we were living in never never land, not going to happen. I know I said I’d do the surrogate thing but I really don’t want any more babies and I thought you should know. I am expecting the Oh, well I want kids so I guess this is it, response. His response instead is “OK, I guess I will just have to love your kids if that time comes”. Yep, really, he said that. We had somehow shifted from when to if, and I was in on it. During this phase it wasn’t assumed we would be together in the near future, it was all if. During those weeks of summer he told me he was going to get a big boy phone and phone plan and man up a little once he got back to school. He told me he was going to up his therapy appointments to twice a week. He was starting to talk about the geographic location a mere 40 miles from me like he was for sure heading back there. Earlier in June he was all freaked out the day I was staying away from him because he wanted to tell me first that he decided he wasn’t going to take the offer from ASU. He ended up telling his family first and me the next day once we started communicating again. He said he left it open that he wanted to talk to them in another year, that maybe it would be his next school. I agreed to that as a next school, airfare would of been about $300 and I would of been staying for about a week each time and just working from his apartment. I had previously agreed to any school within a 6 hour driving distance, and we discussed several. Now in our conversations it is all about what will happen when he heads back to school. He tells me he might not register for classes, but this is still good news because earlier in the summer he had more than once said he might not go back at all. I definitely knew he shouldn’t further derail his life in that fashion. I just wanted him to put on his BGP and start owning his life. It was looking like he was getting the help he needed.
The week after he came back from his alone, because it is my wedding weekend and I’m not getting married, trip something happened. I don’t actually remember what, but I do know that on July 20 I did something. Before I sort out the details ( they will come because I’ll be thinking about them now) of that last descent I need to tell you the story of the day the Husband tried to tell me PJ was faking his identity.
The day The Husband told me he found PJ
This happened right about in this same time frame, but I do not remember which came first. I can tell you this event is the motivation for what later becomes my I don’t want to talk to either one of you for 8 weeks speech. One day The Husband came over. It wasn’t for the kids and it wasn’t for sex because that never happened here. I always went there and snuck in and out without my kids catching me at the apartment. Now that is a drive of shame, Lovies. He had to be there for something techie or music related. It is late afternoon or early evening and PJ and I have been talking a lot lately, but he wasn’t online at the moment. The Husband decides to start a fight and says to me. “That PJ guy isn’t who he says he is, I know who he is”. I looked him up in the Ball State directory and he isn’t in there. Dr M’s daughter goes there and she doesn’t start until the fall and she is already showing up there. So I am angry but I’m curious to know who PJM truly is so I ask The Husband to explain further. He forces me to go the the online student directory and look up PJ under both student and staff. It isn’t as if this is the first time I have been on this page looking for signs of proving PJ’s existence to myself. I say, “Ok how about this Husband. I will send PJ an email to both possible versions of his full name and bsu.edu email addy, if they don’t bounce then we will know he isn’t lying. I then proceed to do just that. While we wait for the bounce I ask him to now tell me who you think he really is. It would be fabulous if my husband unlocked this mystery for me and I could start to validate the guy I couldn’t seem to get away from. So the Husband tells me the name of the guy he has PJ pegged for. He is also affiliated with Ball State and he is an architect. Wouldn’t be the least surprised to find out he is really an architect I think to myself. I go to the guys website and The Husband and I have a look around until we find a picture of the guy. I click on it and start to analyze it for signs of recognition. It was the same as the “snake on a plane” , resemblance but not quite there. I think this was right before the “I’m going to go help move my sister but I won’t even take my laptop, then when I think you aren’t looking I will go on GWP” weekend. It is possible this event fueled whatever I did on the 20th. I tell The Husband I just cannot be sure it is PJ. I tell him I don’t think it is him at all. Then I get mad at him. We have filed for divorce, I have been telling you over and over that it isn’t all about PJ vs. YOU, you need to get out and quit starting shit. I will let you know if I get a bounced address back from either email I sent. The Husband leaves, shortly after PJ gets online and we pick up where we left off. I tell him what happened with The Husband.
Lola: The Husband came over here and started a fight with me about knowing who you really are
PJ: What, your husband is looking for me??? We are on cam and he is freaking out. Here comes the melt down I think to myself.
Lola: Yes, he made me look you up in the directory and when we didn’t find you we sent you an email to both PJM and PM versions of your school email.
PJ; What he screeches with a face full of terror, I won’t show up there because I’m not enrolled in classes yet. I still don’t know what I am going to do. They were supposed to shut my email down so I can’t get anything.
Lola: Well, it didn’t bounce. I can tell he is pissed and I am waiting to see if he chooses to get pissed at ME for sending those emails. He did not.
PJ: Well, who did he think I am?
Lola: this guys… sends link. I told him it isn’t you.
PJ: I’m not the artist who has exactly my full name when you google me either.
Lola: Yep you’re pretty much no where, you don’t exist
PJ: Yep, I don’t exist.
We leave it at that but I can tell he is quite agitated. The conversation ends very shortly after that and PJ isn’t heard from again for a day or so. It is this day, these two conversations and these two reactions from these two men that drive me to make one of the bravest and best decisions of my Almost Divorce. Seriously I was about done with them both. The husband was going to be in my life no matter what, if PJ wanted that badly to be in my life he was going to have to work out his PJ vs. The Husband anger and vice versa. I tired of hearing about the two of them from EACH OTHER. Even in their spatting over me they did it through me!
More to come soon Lovies.
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