Almost Divorce- The one time PJ looked evil on camPosted: 2012/01/04
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
Today we will be taking a quick side trip to the one (maybe 2) time PJ looked evil on cam.
We are taking this side trip for two reasons. 1- It happened right in here timeline wise. 2- It is the single most vivid visual memory I have of PJ. It was July, and emotionally I was in a things are going easy and well with PJ place. So that only happened when I was taking the crazy train up the hill to the high. Gut wise I was in a skeptical place, which explains why I was so shocked (the emotional and also so curious/gotcha (the gut) when it happened. I’ve talked about this roller coaster ride before and how I repeatedly took it, willingly each time until the end when I nuked it and he vanished. Turns out my journal is a vast library of really bad drawings I made while sorting through all of this. This is a rough timeline pictorial of those rides. I notice PJ still has those Spider hands, lol. I am not an artist.
OK , on to the story of that one time PJ looked evil on cam.
There was one time PJ and I cammed and talked where I don’t think he knew his cam was on. It was a vastly different experience than anything else. I have seen PJ looking pretty badly on cam. I’ve seen him sleepy, drunk, stoned, angry, horny, sweaty, wet you name it. I’ve seen him on cam during down times for us when he looked haggard, sad, worn out. I’ve seen him unkempt and unmotivated by depression. I spent 5 months looking at this guy, another reason why I think I’d KNOW if I saw him on a plane. I believe the saying that you can see the soul of someone in their eyes. It is how a persons expresses themselves with the physicality of their body that often makes a larger impact than the words from their brain they are expressing. How does that quote go, I can’t hear what you are saying because of the way you are saying it. I have spent countless hours looking into those eyes and seeing various things, but I recognized them all. As part of seeing PJ’s face and eyes a lot on cam I also became accustomed to seeing certain areas of the house and yard. I was familar with the bedroom, bathroom, his living area, kitchen, back screen porch, back yard table by porch, pool and occasionally the field behind the barn’s night sky and stars. Of those areas I was least familiar with the screen porch. It was an afternoon chat and it was hot and sunny out. We were on g-hcat but I con’t remember if it was the emoregw addy still or his new StillPJ email we were using. We started talking and it was easy and amicable. He seems to be upbeat and we were probably flirting and talking. I think I initiated the cam part of the conversation and once we are face to face it is like some kind of surreal dream sequence. It it quite possible both of us were stoned at the time, but I have taken that factor into consideration as I processed this. I Know one of of mental stops was, is he stoned? Let me just get to it.
I see him outside and it is a torso/facial shot. He has the camera on a table and he is sitting in a chair. It is bright and sunny outside but more like late afternoon warm fuzzy sun and he is topless. He is very scruffy, it is unkempt scruffy. This is an indication of he is the pit of despair or perhaps we have only recently been talking. His entire face and demeanor are ashen and dark and sour. His eyes are what floor me, they are dead. Not dead like I’m a homeless addict and have given up the will to live dead. His eyes are black dead, void of any shred of emotion dead. They are cold, dark, dead eyes. They are calculating, I’ve never seen him look like this and it scares the crap out of me. I literally star at the camera wide mouthed while I continue to chat with him. Now this is an important point. we were typing, not talking. Sometime in June, PJ started moving away from the usual we always cam up and mic up and talk, not type to each other. Then it there were excuses as to why this was not possible, Oh B and his wife are staying here, my cousin is staying here for 2 weeks, my sister is staying here. But he never went back to talking to me, he would just type and withhold his voice from me. By the end I rarely got to hear it and usually that was just if we were naked, and sometimes not even THEN!!! So he could cam up with me, and we would look at each other and TYPE, not talk. I really was stupid when it came to him. So I am watching him and we are still having our conversation. And it is STILL flirty and talking. If you were simply reading the text you would think we were sharing our day. Now, during this period of time I was not going into GWP, but he was, and I would often get mad at the gaps in our talks because I assumed he was tabbing back and forth out of chat to talk to me and was getting hung up having more fun in thee than he was out in the real world with me. I was seriously losing patience with this. Sure enough as I am watching he is typing things, but they aren’t to me, and he is kind of smirking and laughing a little. But then when he types to me his eyes are that dead look. It is like he is so dis-interested in this conversation that he can’t even bring any emotion to his eyes when he is having it. He isn’t looking me in the eyes at all, and he isn’t looking into the camera for someone else because we are cammed up and he isn’t looking into the camera. Sometimes there are gaps in the conversation where he is just standing up or fiddling with things in the room, and then he will come back to the chat and type some more. That day I sat mesmerized and horrified. My mind was racing with thoughts as I sat transfixed just watching it like a show. OMG, he looks awful. He doesn’t even look like himself. It’s like his eyes are dead. Does he know he is even on camera? It’s like he is typing but what he is saying is not what is registering on his face. Is he stoned? He looks like he hates you. He looks evil as hell, OMFG. WTF. I let the show go on for a while and finally I’d had enough or he had. One of us ends the conversation. I sit back in my chair in the home office and mull on it for a bit. Then I think I filed it under shit we are not going to think about ever again and hoped that took care of it. This cam conversation is probably my strongest reason for jumping straight to what kind of a monster are we really dealing with here, when he vanishes. If my heart ever tries to take a but those eyes trip, I remind it of these eyes. It is in these eyes that I can see the capacity for the level of evil required to do what he did to me on purpose.