Almost Divorce- A childish pictorial of how I was differentPosted: 2011/12/31
Yeah I hit send too early… it’s coming. Happy NEW YEAR.. Lola
11:00 Note to self, remember to hit save draft NOT publish!!!
I found this in my journal, It is basically a pictorial of how I was different. I did this kind of 3×5 card journaling before I started my PJ journal in early August. All of the cards I made myself and posted on my big silver dream board are in that journal. All of the pics PJ sent me are in the journal, there are a lot of tears in that journal and at once it sustained a few puncture wounds with my garden pruners. God is in that journal and I am getting excited that we are coming towards that part of the story.
I am not an artist or an art critic but I took a really good look at this today. It caught my eye when I went to look at when I started the journal. At the time I was just drawing my heart out and trying to make the point to myself that I wanted my heart back and a smile on my face. I don’t really know when I drew this but either way it is the perfect visual representation, and it is kind of funny.
Today I see a few more things. That is PJ in the pit of despair, his heart is broken. He only moves side to side in that thing, never up though you’ll notice there are ladder rungs. He also has extra legs and silky shit coming out of his hands because I always felt like a bug trapped in this web of little sticky ties he had all over me. It was like he infiltrated everything I had of myself and attached himself to it in some way. I also come to think of him as poison, which fits with the whole spider thing too. I have an even worse drawing of PJ as an actual spider and I’m all wrapped up in the black webs from him. Hey I was drunk a lot, bite me :-). My art skills never progressed past the one picture of grass, flowers, and a house I repeatedly draw, stick figures, and this kind of donkey horse looking thing with usually about 3.5 but never quite 4 legs. Thank God I’m good at Project Management. Oh I can also kind of draw hearts and turtles and some flowers. I enjoy drawing, I’m just no good at it.
The curly headed skinny goddess spewing tears and throwing heart after heart into that pit is me. There are stepping stones across the pit and the exit is a door, which is shut and the door knob is on the outside. On the right the curly haired girl is holding her heart and moving away from that damn pit. She puts her back inside her and smiles while she hugs herself, then heads off the page. That was one of my big goals of the summer, to quit throwing time and emotional energy into PJ and his pit of despair, to walk off and take my heart back for ME. Then I could take my time deciding who to give it to next. The problem was that I always ran back to that door, opened it and took a look so be sure he was still there. I was basically still waiting out side the door. It took a while to start wanting to move away from it.