Almost Divorce Part 24- PJ, The Husband, Match.comPosted: 2011/12/30
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
The previous week after PJ dumped me I had gone on to Match.com. I decided to put up a profile and take a look around. I put a few pictures up and wait. I don’t have to wait for long. soon I discover something I kind of already knew. I am the most attractive to men under the age of 32 or over the age of 54. I am still 39 when this is going on. I am the most attractive to men around the age of 24-28. My message box starts blowing up with dudes. I try to be objective but I’m not looking for a new boy friend here, I just want to date and enjoy some of this new freedom I have. When Pj comes back this presents a slight problem. PJ doesn’t know I’ve got on match.com. I have to plans to now come off off match.com. I don’t want to lie to PJ and hide this from him. I don’t feel like I need his permission but I don’t want him to be mad and go away either. I was skeptical of who he was but for some reason I was not yet skeptical of his intentions or feelings towards me. When you spend that much time talking to someone you start to feel like you actually do know them. I am by nature a selfish person, this is part of why I got myself in this mess in the first place, I had become careless and greedy with my selfishness. That was something I had to change and part of my list of working on myself issues from that spring and summer. My motivation wasn’t all that pure, I wanted to do whatever the fuck I wanted and I didn’t see any reason why PJ could have a THING to say about it. But I was too smart to put to him in those terms, I had been down that road pre-PJM and it had never gotten me where I wanted to go with him. I needed a better way to get what I wanted, compromise his ego but not so much so that he has a window to get mad at anyone but himself. If he wanted me he could figure out how to make that happen, I still pretty strongly wanted him to do that. I really liked him and I didn’t want to be wrong, I didn’t want to be wrong about believing he did love me or more than adore me or even just adore me. I still dreamed and wanted to be with him and hoped we would get that chance. I was simply also opening up to possibility for some competition for him. If I need to take 60 days and decide if I want to stay married I should probably go see if there is anyone out there close to PJ, only better. How green is that grass on the other side any way? I certainly didn’t want to present this topic in a way that would open the door for PJ to date whomever he pleased as well. I wanted him for me.
Then it occurred to me that PJ was still claiming that he was deep in the throes of his depression and melt down. He was in that place, the pit of despair I liked to call it, where he showed no libido for sex and no motivation for anything else. There was no dirty talk or sexy emails or tucking in happening. We discussed it at least once and he basically said he had to sex drive at all when he was feeling like that, he described it as not feeling sexy. It didn’t help that our sex was touching ourselves while watching and talking to each other. Intimate acts with someone train your brain and body to easily and quickly respond in certain ways to those psychical and visual queues. When he broke up with me earlier I lost all desire to touch or pleasure myself in any way. Fapping only meant thinking of PJ and it was too painful. I’m sure this was worse for him, because being a guy he sometimes fapped alone even while we were together, but he had and used the aids of audio and videos I sent him. Even his alone time had me in it. One of the conversation queues that would push our time toward the next level was when his mild flirting would begin. PJ could always bring a smile quickly to my face and he could also quickly make my heart melt just by seeing the look in his eyes as he talked to me. I don’t know how you fake that look, I sure can’t.
Over the weekend that PJ was gone I had traded a few real life emails and had one real phone conversation with a match.com dude. It only took one conversation for me to know I wasn’t likely to go on a 2nd date with this guys but I agreed to a first one the Monday after 4th of July. The guy actually asked me ” So, what are you doing for sex?”. I laughed out loud I was actually embarrassed and stunned to silence. If you only knew I thought but what I said was ” I’m all taken care of, my ex and I still have sex”. This was not a lie, and also not something I shared with PJ. I had to laugh, this dude talked to me for about an hour and then offered me his sexual services under the guise of concern for my well being, how sweet. I agreed to the 1st date because it was over 4th of July weekend, the one PJ would NOT be spending with me, and I decided I was going to get out more during the weeks I had freedom. I had also agreed to the 1st date prior to that phone conversation, that is match.com lesson #1. I had also told The Husband I was considering that I might like to start dating when we discussed the divorce filing that Monday. The only loose end was PJ.
I login to G-chat and make myself available one afternoon that first week he is back, and I wait. When I see his green light pop up I am happy it is there, but I wait. In the past I would take the little green light as an actual green light and just start talking to him first because I so wanted to be with him. These days, whether he knows or not, I force myself to wait. If he has something he wants to say to me, if he wants to spend some time with me, he will see that I am green and he can say something. I’m not interested in having any more conversations that are lengthy in time but short on subject matter because there are large gaps in between me saying something and him replying. That amount no nothing more than Hi Lola… Bye Lola. I can’t state that I never went first after that but I can safely tell you the who went first ratio flipped dramatically because I know I waited many more times than I did not. It was so hard to do at first, but by mid August when it is about to implode I was really quite good at it. It’s funny isn’t it, all PJ claimed to want me to do was wait and be patient for him. I allowed him to train me to wait after all, just born out of my stubbornness not to go first. I read somewhere that stubborn is sticking to I will, but obstinate is sticking to I won’t. I think it depends which side of the line what you really want is on. Sometimes that can flip on you when you don’t even know it. I was no longer in just being help captive by his little green light, if he wanted to engage me in an actual conversation I would enjoy then that would be lovely, otherwise I have things I should be doing. If the initial reaction going on at match.com is any indication it is going to be a busy summer anyway.
A message from him pops up and it makes my heart soar, every single time. I still attempt to exercise some restraint and give it a tiny spec of time before I reply back. I don’t want to appear too eager, but I don’t want him stomping off either. We start talking about our day. I tell him that I am thinking I might start dating and I’d like to discuss it. PJ has set a precedent that when I am pulling away he never argues with any of my plans, I know he isn’t going to choose now to say, “No, please don’t date other guys.” I’m sure he questioned with at least an oh?. Well, isn’t that kind of the point I state, shouldn’t I be out there exploring the grass on the other side so I can be really sure I want a divorce. The unspoken comment we both know is there is “Make sure I’m not getting divorced just because of you PJ” . He agrees it is a good plan. Check. This is going exactly as I hoped it would, then I go in for the kill. I say something like, I feel like I should offer you the same opportunity to date, or do you want to date? etc.. CHECKMATE!!! PJ has no choice in this game. He has claimed that he is too depressed and fucked up to be with ANYONE, and that if he could feel like he could be with ANYONE that anyone would be ME. He has backed himself into the corner I am currently pinning him in, and I am doing it deliberately to get what I want. I can be an evil bitch, kills are best served cold. I should of known better; I was dealing with a psycho and was just going to become the half dead mouse carcass that gets batted around. But on the precipice of the glorious moment where I beat PJ at his own game I sat there with a huge Cheshire cat grin on my face. The reply took a moment and while I waited I wished I could see the look on his face as he was working out his options, realizing that I was about to win one and awakening to the fact that I was perhaps a little smarter and less pathetic than originally shown. Of course I don’t want to date he tells me I’m not up to anything with anybody.
I laughed out loud, as I typed something re-assuring like I thought you might feel that way but I just thought I should be sure it was ok with you. Game, set, match mother fucker. Did I mention I was in one of my first cocky about my emotional strength phases. It turns out I had so far to go, but I still relish that small victory and wonder if it is the day PJ the sociopath decided to really fuck with me. If he is a sociopath his fun would of been derived from obliterating me. He did it but it didn’t last, I’m good at getting back up.
PJ starts to come online a little more. I’m not in chat at all anymore so there is no reason for me to login to G-chat or Skype unless I need to IM. The Husband and I started talking less, we were going to be apart and we only needed to talk when we had something to say or work out with the kids. This allowed me to practice staying off the internet more, but I was still there plenty to talk to PJ. PJ was there plenty to talk to me. I am no longer initiating flirting, this time around I am trying to let him chase me. Soon after he declares to me one night that ” I am different”. Yes I am. I explain to him that when he ended it without an explanation that some thing inside me severed. I don’t go first now I tell him. I like talking to you and if you want to have an actual conversation with me I am more than happy to do that. He seems to be favorable to this new version of me. It is closer to myself than I probably have been with him previously. I wasn’t quite sure I really wanted to date, the first dude cancels our 1st date with what I hope is embarrassment for his behavior on the phone. I cancel another 1st date with an older gentlemen I have been emailing because he is just so adult, intended, and serious. I quickly realize I’m not quite as ready for this as I thought I might be. I’m still going to weekly counseling with Tab and I decide that this new dating play ground may be a good place for me to practice that person of a more centered spectrum thing I am seeking, but that I will stick with the younger boys and have some fun. I also reconnect with Sunshine and start talking to him.
More to come soon Lovies.