Almost Divorce Part 23- PJ comes back

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

I knew I had an entire weekend to process what the heck was going on, and try to figure out what I wanted to do about it.   I start by Googling his first and last name combination in conjunction with all the cities he supposedly has ties in.  There is nothing. I should get his family name and a whole bunch of family members in his home town…but I don’t.   His  Dad is living in his Grandma’s old house,  he and his Dad live din the same time before that when he was growing up, yet there is nothing.  There is nothing in conjunction with his undergrad and there is nothing in conjunction with his grad school or  where he lived after college.   PJ told me earlier in the summer the delusional girl had gotten his home for the summer phone number by Googling it. Yet it does not show up for me.   His emoregw email is still in working order,  but I have refused to interact with him  using that method in some time, because I forced him to provide me the email he just nuked into oblivion.   I don’t know about you  Lovies, but for me at the time it was a head scratcher. Why on earth would you nuke your entire real life email?   Well… you’d have no qualms about nuking it if it was fake now would you?  In the words of  Madeline’s Miss Clavelle..something is not quite right!     PJ is showing his true colors.  I don’t really know what is going on, but I know we are broken up, it is over and he did it badly and now there  is  un-ignorable sketchiness  on top of it all.

Monday morning arrives.  I get up, get dressed , ger the kids off to summer camp and get on my computer.  I’m pretty done with ALL male related bullshit going on it my life. I’m tired of arguing with  The Husband,  I’m  way over PJ treating me like shit and since I have been  going to counselling and  have dropped the online chat room addiction I am feeling pretty cocky about my progress.  I have learned that right about the time I feel cocky about my progress something comes in from left field and challenges that theory.    I think I changed that past week from being under his spell to oh no you didn’t.  But…. I like return on my investment, and PJ is pretty darn easy on the eyes, and he certainly  has a way of making me swoon when he chooses to do so.   I like a good mystery and I don’t like to be taken advantage of, but I also don’t like all my hard work to go to waste, if you will.   I don’t like to be wrong, and I don’t like to feel like I made a bad decision or wasted my time. At this point, he is a puzzle to me.  I recognize that there are probably things he is lying about, and I’d like to know what those are. But I don’t come right out and say, I’m pretty sure you are not being truthful here, perhaps you’d like a 2nd chance to amend you response from Saturday morning. Remember we are broken up, he dumped me on G-chat in  something like 3 short IM’s.   I’m not that girl.  But I wish I’d chosen to be and just let it go…then. I think I was probably clinging on to the fact that the PJGW email was still there so he was still ‘around” in some manner.   This next phase of the story is the “I wish I could just just walk away from PJ and I start actively trying” phase.  But something keeps bringing me back to him and him to me.  That something was I was being fucked with, but it’s going to take me another month or so to figure that out.

Instead I see that he is on G-chat as PJGW and is green.  I don’t remember who chatted first, but I remember my tone was one of…so you nuked your real email account….that makes no sense… what is going on.

He replies that it wasn’t his best decision. That he replied that he typed in his last name, slammed his laptop down and was so angry he almost threw it into the pool. Then he got in the car and drive to WI.  I’m listening/reading.  He goes on to say that he was never going to fuck O. That it started out as they were going camping and he said he might meet them in South Bend for coffee.  In typical chat fashion that grew into more and there was talk about how he should  participate in a 3-way with them. He never said he would, he probably never said he wouldn’t either. He says you know me Lola, I was probably not even going to meet them for coffee.  You have to believe me, I wasn’t going to do that.  I would never do that, Lola.   You have to believe me Lola, please believe me Lola.  I am skeptical but he re-iterates this  again near the end of our conversation.   He also tells me that he let his sister drove home  so he could cry and that he told her about what happened with their step-dad growing up.  He says they had a good talk and that she was very understanding.  He hasn’t told anyone about this his whole ( so  I was first a few weeks ago??) life and he is starting with her. He may of even told her about the dead baby.   I am pleased to hear this, it is a step in the right direction.  PJ is starting to get better and there could be a light at the end of the tunnel.    I’m feeling pretty good about my progress, I was in my first cocky I’m getting better stage.   I was getting better, I had left chat behind, was relying less and less on pics on r/gonewild to boost my ego.

I was  still unsure about getting a divorce, but I was sure that after the events of the last week culminating in me not being able to validate this full identity he had given me, made me ready to get moving on with liveing MY new life. In My life there are twp phases to PJ and MY story.   There is phase 1, which goes from that first sweet moment I noticed him in chat and thought “OMG, who is that deliciousness in scruff”; to the moment he deleted his first real life email account.  whatever lies he had told that that point could of easily been divulged at the start of phase 2, this particular Monday morning.  This particular Monday  morning was the time to come clean.  To say “Hey Lola, you know what? I’ve been telling you some lies and I’m going to spell them out for you right now. ” It was the internet after all, lies can and should be reasonably expected when dealing with the opposite sex in a sexy manner in this forum.   Now would of been the time to say, Hey Lola, you know what? I’m actually engaged or married or whatever but I’m really into you and I’d like to fuck you on the side and maybe see where that goes.”  Or even ” Hey Lola you know what? It has been really fun but quite honestly you amazing sexy unforgettable woman, you are too much drama and I just cannot handle this so I’m going to go ahead and bail you crazy bitch.”   No, that didn’t happen Lovies, what did happen was PJ started to both  pull away and chase me more all at the same time.

I do not leave that G-chat conversation that morning thinking that PJ and I are back together.  Only that perhaps we are talking.  That perhaps there is a small  feeling of good will between us.   I also call my husband that morning to tell him I want to talk about the divorce.  We have found that we sometimes handle these types of conversation better via G-chat so that is what we do.   We talk about if either of us thinks there is  a chance for us, or are we both ready to move on.  We tip toe and tap dance through this lengthy conversation.   I tell him I think I am ready to file to paperwork and we would be divorced by  8/28/2010 or shortly after.   I ask him if he is ok with this.  He agrees that he is.  There isn’t any anger, there isn’t any extreme sadness. There is only amicable tolerance for the one we each used to love. Except  The Husband never stopped loving me and that is part  of the reason we are still together today.   So later that morning I make the short drive to the county courthouse and after a side trip to the library for the RIGHT forms and a small fee of less than $200 I have accomplished filing for divorce.

On the drive to the courthouse I have plenty of time to think about The Husband, and Paul and MY life. What kind of life I am ready to get on living.  What kind of man I’d like to someday see in that life.  I feel like I  would like to have some time to have crazy fun and enjoy this freedom and some time to heal from all of The Husband vs. PJ and Lola stands alone mess.   I got there for the  2nd time with the RIGHT paperwork and it was a warm sunny day, yet I got a spot under a tree by the park across the street in the shade.  The crazy drama people from my first trip had cleared out of the clerks office.  I filed my divorce, got instructions that we needed to bring back the notarized, signed divorce decree  sometime after 8/28/11 and then the judge would look at it, make sure no one was getting screwed and the kids were taken care of. Then within 2-3 days after he would declare us divorced.   I left sad and happy all at the same time.  I drove home with the sunroof open and the windows down and the music blaring.   A smile on my face. I put on my BGP and was finally starting to  own it.

Sometime that day PJ got on G-chat  again, still on the PJGW account, not a new real life account.   He chatted me first and I told him I filed my divorce paperwork that day.   “Wow”, he said “you really did put your  BGP on today.” Yes, I did.   I ask him what his new email addy is, to make the point that I am not all that cool talking to him using this PJGW account.   I know it was the same PJ on the other end, but it is the point of the many layers of the GW Rabbit Hole I have previously discussed.  I wanted real PJ, not fake PJ.  He made some lame excuse about wanting to hide from everyone for awhile and that he might not get one.   The conversation ends amicably and that is not code for we got naked.

More soon Lovies.