Almost Divorce – The pivotal moment.Posted: 2011/12/28
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here.
June 28, 2010 marks what I consider to be the phase 2 of my relationship with PJ. This is the point in my mind when he shifted from being PJGW or just PJ , to PJM. I cannot confirm or deny that I added the M to stand for Motherfucker. I will however refrain from typing him as PJM every time from now on because that is an extra letter and I am lazy. When he came back I wasn’t nearly as soft hearted as I had been previously. I didn’t turn into a cold hearted bitch. That might of been nice but a-that just isn’t me and b- my world still would of been rocked when he later vanishes because of the lying factor. I still would of had to re-process everything from start to finish and seek to figure it all out. PJM is the unsolvable puzzle. He’s like Dr. Who, poof gone.
Imagine if you had a mate. And you an your mate live together, you get up at the same time each morning and spend the first hour or two of your day together, you talk to each other all day at work, you check in with them for some time right after work, you spend the last hour or two of your night with them before you go to bed together. Imagine if you and your mate had sex on an average of 1-3 times a DAY when things are going well in your relationship. Imagine if almost everything coming out of your mates mouth was sunflowers and moons. Imagine if your mate was 95% of what you had on your “list” when you were young and stupid and thought true love really worked that way. Imagine if your mate had issues, but they truly divulged them and discussed them with you in an open and adult manner. Imagine if your mate adored you and told you on a daily basis. Imagine if your mate got really really depressed, but was going to counseling and seemed to be making progress. Imagine if you’d try to leave your mate before but he could never let you be. Imagine if your mate told you “It is always you in my big dreams.”
Only the kicker here is that in YOUR head Lovies, you are imagining some version of a mate you have certainly touched and held in your arms. And in my life, until June 28, 2010, I was living that life with a mate via camera, audio, video, email, and chatting. I am having all the same conversation you and your mate are having. But I am not actually touching PJ. I take that back, because I bet PJ and I are talking and sharing and having great conversations and sex 2-3 times MORE than most mates.
When PJ and I would go through one of our off times. The times we were supposed to stay away from each other right after Mothers day, or after being off for a couple of days or a week or whatever. When we began to reconnect it wasn’t like an ex- sex thing; where you just hook up after the bar one night for some ex-sex quickie and then you have to have the awkward does that mean we are back together or not convo. When we began to reconnect it started with something emotional. It wasn’t I miss fapping with you, it was I miss YOU. It would start out innocent enough just chatting on g-chat or skype. Then it would grow to being on cam together but no fapping.
PJ could grow facial hair like crazy, above is what roughly 24 hours looked like. When we would have an off time and prior to me seeing him on cam again, he would usually change his facial hair. The first time he grew a beard, and I remarked on it when I saw him. I know he shaved it but I can’t remember if I asked him to. This cycle repeated itself, once during an on time he grew a goatee within a few days. The Husband has a goatee so that had to go the minute I saw it. He shaved it and when the chat girls complained he simply said, “Lola didn’t like it, so it had to go”. The hair was often the first visual I would get of PJ once we reached the camming up stage on being on again. The amount of time that would pass between those first I miss you IM’s and getting the what did you to with your face surprise varied. The longest at this point had been maybe a week. On that Monday morning when PJ came back it was getting pretty close to the record. At the time this inside meme between was was sweet and cute. Looking back it just feels creepy given it only proves he can disguise himself pretty easily. I have have seen him with almost all variations of facial hair. I looked at his face that much.
The conversations when we were moving to on again would start out about missing you, and eventually weave their poisonous way into I want/need you so badly, slither their way into God, I want to Fuck You Lola, Slide their way into Lola I more than adore you and I can’t wait to have a life of some kind with you. And just when I would feel like those beautifully addicting, lust swooning, heart salve-ing words were going to stick this time, PJ would YANK the rug out from under it. It is possible that PJ’s version of this story would involve something along the lines of hoping I would just be patient and give him some time. Then I would YANK it away by giving some sort of ultimatum everyone knew I wasn’t going to stick to anyway. That perhaps he could feel I gave up on him. That perhaps he really was just THAT fucked up and afraid of what I meant to him. The speed in movement from first visual after a while camming to naked together camming also varied. Eventually we always got to the naked part, and then the emotions would be further triggered by the increased intimacy of our time, which would lead back to that darn YANK the rug out from under us. We did it to each other. But mostly it was me pushing and PJ refusing to move. All of that changed after the morning he came back.
What PJ doesn’t probably know is; That Monday morning in June when he chose to show back up as emoregw, he pretty much had a free pass to tell me anything. He could of laid out whatever his entire truth was, ending with and then on Saturday morning I lied about my last name too, it is really PJK and here some proof for you. I’ve lied about X,Y,Z items, but I really did all of those things just at A(7:43pm… OOPS. Somehow all of that got cut out, sorry if you red early and missed it…) B and C. If he had said I lied about places and things, but not people or emotions. If he had said I actually got fired when I yelled at the Delusional Girl and I’ve been afraid to tell you; If he had said I lied I’m actually not single but I am going to and I want to be with you it all would of been ok. He could of laid it all out on the line and come clean about just about anything and it would of been ok. The most important thing to me the thing I demanded was honesty. PJ and I didn’t share the validation of physicality that you and your mate share, the only thing PJ had to prove his honesty was his words. And they were everything to me.
When I couldn’t verify his identity that very first weekend I knew in my gut that boy was fake. My gut had been sitting by long enough, that bitch was about to force the BGP on the rest of us and we were going to OWN IT!
More to come soon Lovies!