Almost Divorce Part 22- PJ severs my heart the first time; New Year new writing

Surprise It is a twofer week.   I’ve had the emotional catharsis from writing this story much earlier in the story than I thought I would. I’ve had several months to live with that freedom and see it stick.  I find that I am an ready to get completed with writing  it so I can focus on other things in the coming year.  I have  the next 6 days off so you may see a flurry of almost Divorce Story posts. Please know I am not dwelling  Lovies, I am purging for the New Year. I plan on writing a lot more about running as I start training for my next 13.1  Half Marathon on January 16.  I plan on writing a lot more about decorating because I have several home improvement projects planned for the winter.  I plan on writing a lot more about gardening because I have at least one new bed to plant in next year.  I plan on writing a lot more about my family and friends because I deeply love them all and they bring much joy to my life.

Best and much love to all of you!

Lola

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

Today’s  music is brought to you by Alkaline Trio. This is one of my top 5 Alkaline trio songs. I heard it for the first time well after all chat stuff was over, some time over this summer. It reminds me of how I felt  frantically searching for PJ right after he first vanished and how I felt forcing overly sweet dudes from GW to cam up and prove they were not him during gonewild chat round two.    Today is the story of the first time he vanished…sort of.  He didn’t pull the trigger all the way this first time.

The end of June get really interesting.   But I  forgot to mention something integral that happened in the beginning of June.  When The Husband came back from Florida,  I had received the final divorce decree work up from the mediator.  If you are in the throes of any kind of divorce I HIGHLY  suggest hiring a mediator. For roughly $150 an hour a mediator can help you  hammer out  all of the things you didn’t think of in a fair an impartial manner. He or she can then draw up all your paperwork, all you have to do then is file it.  Our mediator was a lawyer, he guided us through the rest of our last list of items in about 2 hours.  He said we were probably the most amicable couple he has ever worked with, most couples take at least 4 hours. We were prepared. We had already met with the financial advisor before him and had only the holiday custody schedule and a few other things to hammer out.  Neither one of us was hell bent on screwing the other one,  I could never imagine taking my kids away from my husband for more than the 50% we had  agreed.  Even when we went to divide all out things before he moved out it wasn’t  hard.   It was heartbreaking.    Once he got back, we made plans for him to come over and sign the papers.  The plan was I would hold on to them until I was ready to file and then I would be the one to file for the uncontested divorce, once I did that it would be final 60 days later.   I didn’t realize that we didn’t have to/weren’t supposed to turn in the actual divorce decree until after the 60 days was over.   This turned out to be a good thing, because we were able to make a few small tweaks to it later in the summer. The day The  Husband came over after work to sign the papers  PJ showed up online home from work early and stayed on all night. The Husband showed up and signed the papers, it was about as fun as you can imagine. One step further away from him and one step closer to PJ who was in the middle his “I’m too depressed to be able to be with aybody at all” total  shut down.

That night was ummm, interesting.   PJ had showed up early not only because The Husband  was coming over to sign the papers, but also because VinD was coming over to check out the whole GW experience. I was going to take him on cam with me , yes clothed,  and show him around the online world.  This was very early June and if I ever truly had an addiction to  r/gonewild chat it was  then it was at its strongest.  All I wanted to do was spend time in that online world escaping the one I was actually living in. The world I was living it SUCKED!!!!!!!  It was full of upset,  angry people, money stress, work stress and children who were barely getting by.   We had them both in weekly counselling sessions that we also attended. As the summer wore on they helped tremendously and allowed us to make some small changes to custody, like one night a week dinner with the off parent so no one had to go an entire week without  the kids. This also gave the on parent a small break, and trust me if you have ever had to even play single parent for a week you know that break is needed.   The Husband came over , we argued some about why I couldn’t just quit PJ and stay married to him, he signed the papers and then VinD came over.   I get  the laptop out and head into chat, show him around and then I am basically so mentally focused on what is going on  my screen that I can barely be  bothered to talk to VinD. I think this is the first time he truly gets how bad it is.  He keeps saying,  “Lola, I’m right here.”  I take this to mean he wants to sleep with me, which he never outright said or outright tried to do.  He never touched me  inappropriately but he kept pressing the point that he was “right there” and I could barely even look at him because I was gazing at my screen.   I was probably drunk and stoned at the time. I do remember throwing VinD out of my house though.  I remember him apologizing and saying that he should of shown up with was roses and a hug instead of giving me shit.  Once he  left I let PJ have it. I was MAD!!!! I was mad that PJ wasn’t the one here to be with me, the one showing up with roses and a hug.   I told him  that VinD had tried to sleep with me, in my mind he had, but we have since  reconciled that awkward night.  PJ tells me that he came home early instead of going to play Dirty Julio (mowing) because he was afraid something like that was going to happen.   Later that night I’m heading to bed and The Husband makes  a booty call. Do I want to come over and have sex with him? FUCK NO I don’t want to have sex with him, I don’t want to have sex with VinD. I want to have sex with PJ, isn’t that why we are all here in the first place?  I let PJ have it for the 2nd time that night, now 2 guys want to fuck me you asshole and you are apparently NOT one of them.   It was shortly after that incident that VinD begs me to try the staying away trick that netted the lengthy please don’t leave me email mentioned in last week’s post.

But when PJ  begged me to please not stop talking to him, I didn’t continue to stay away for 2 more days and see what happened. I sent back my lengthy email, or 2, and  went right back into the rabbit hole with him.  Then the 4th of July bullshit happened and I start to crack again.  The week after Father’s Day I start to get pushy again, but then I go see  Tab for my weekly counseling session and come to realize that I just need to work on me, and let PJ work on PJ.  I get out of my session and send him an email that everything is going to be ok.  But the next time I G-chat with him he DUMPS ME!  As in he gets on G-chat, doesn’t cam up, gives me some line about how he just can’t do this and it’s over.  No camera, no I’m sorry,  no we should try to stay away from each other, just it is over I can’t do this.   This is like Tue night or Wednesday and to describe my reaction as devastated would be mild.  I am in shock,  angry, heartbroken. I cannot believe that we would dump me in that manner with so little respect or closure.   Without even looking me in the eye, letting me hear his voice or apologizing PJ had chosen to end it.  Something inside of me snaps,  ties in my heart and soul had to him break. I’m not well, but I’m not stupid.

We spend the rest of the week sharing song statuses on G-chat and Skype. PJ’s song choices indicate he  is horribly depressed about our break up.  We don’t talk much beyond thanks for the really depressing music and broken heart symbols on our statuses.  I talk to some of my chat friends on G-chat and Skype to tell them my woes. No one can believe we are broken up, but I’m sure it fueled at least a few days of drama talk.  He is however, still going into GWP even though I am not.  On Friday I get the kids back and on Saturday I take them to  a book fair.  While I am there I get a text from a chat bestie…”How much do you want to know?”.

I respond with if there is something that I need to know the cold hard truth about then please tell me.   It seems that PJ was making plans to meet up with a guy and another girl from chat while they were on a camping trip near his house.  It seems that he was making plans to go and have a 3-some with these two on the GWP chat roll in front of everyone.   To add insult to injury, it is one of the girls I got all awkward and territorial with earlier.  I always thought she had a thing for him, hence my insecurity about her in the first place.  I  quickly move from whatever longing and sadness I have going to pure white hot ANGER.   I am so angry I can barely even see straight and I feel my heart and soul and pussy release even more ties they have to him.   I  call the chat bestie on the phone and we talk some more about  what she saw/read.  I don’t even wait to go home, I shoot off an email right there in the line of the book fair with my kids mere feet from me.

It is titled Anger Burns Clean, from the Maya Angelou quote  Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.   It goes something like this….” Did you REALLY think you could make plans to go fuck O  on the chat roll and no one was going to come find me to tell me about. You are a stupid mother fucker. You do not deserve me.”  Remember I had been gone from chat, trusting PJ to doing whatever it was he did in there because I wasn’t worried, I had seen it all and was fine with it because I thought his heart belonged to me.  I thought this because he repeatedly told the chat girls that it did.  He responds quickly with ” That’s not true, it wasn’t like that, I wasn’t going to do that. You KNOW ME, I would never do that”.

My response… “What is your last name”… Yeah it’s the END OF JUNE AND I STILL DIDN’T HAVE THAT INFO! I had been dumped days earlier by some dude whose  last name I didn’t even know who has seen my pussy about as many times as any boyfriend I spent more than a month with.  I had been making plans to  let this sick motherfucker into my real life and make a relationship with  him and I didn’t even know his last name. I had put my husband and children through hell because I thought I wanted to be with him and I didn’t even know his last name.   That day  Lovies, was wake up call number one and it gets better.

He responds with one word…. his last name, and when I go to respond back his EMAIL ADDRESS IS DELETED!!!!!!  This is the   “real” email address, not the  emoregw email addy.   I am in utter shock.  VinD had told me he thought the dude was making up who he was and as much as it stings it certainly appears this is exactly the case.   It’s Saturday morning when this happens and I knew Paul was headed to WI to drop off his little 10 year old nephew who had been staying with him while PJ’s Sister A is staying with the kid’s older brother. He is dropping of the kid and picking up his sister to bring her back.    It was one of the weekends he was going to be gone.  I check the emoregw email and it still works. This makes no sense I think to myself as I settle into  the rest of the weekend, still in shock, still angry and still heartbroken, and very, very confused.

Only now……I’m getting smarter…..

PS- VinD and I have never so much as kissed.  We have both since apologized and reconciled that evening’s mis-communication. He probably was hitting on me a little, and I probably entertained it for a minute.  But he is in in the Brother from another Mother zone. And I’m sure I’m in Sister form another Mister Zone with him.

More to come next Thursday Lovies.