Almost Divorce Part 21- PJ can’t hold it together for long

This series is  published no less than once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here.

So it’s the beginning of June and things are looking up.  A lot of things happened in June and I won’t get them all sequentially straight.  June was full of crazy and really confusing. It also about 18 months ago and I don’t dwell on this stuff anymore, so accurately timed details are hazy at best on some fronts.

On the GW front PJ and I are both out of Public. I start out the month seeing him both personally on our own Gmail accounts and Skyping and in GWP, by the end of the month I was out of GWP and had even deleted my first Lola account “Supernovalola”.    Getting out of chat was a big deal for me. I had been going to weekly sessions with my counselor and knew it was something I needed to do to get healthy.   I no longer wanted this internet chat room and naked picture posting addiction.  I dramatically dropped the number of posts to r/gonewild over the summer, only posting occasionally. Occasionally means every couple of weeks instead of 5-7 times a week.   It had been Paul’s idea for us to leave public chat, but it was something I wanted to do anyway.  I  was quite proud of myself for making this leap, I knew that even though things sucked uber badly with the divorce situation that I was making strides back to me.   It was my FIRST STEP in this direction and I was pretty excited.   Until I talked to The Husband and the  Soul Mate friend about it. The Husband was hung up on the fact that I was willing to get out of online chatting for PJ and wouldn’t or couldn’t when he was begging me to do it earlier in the journey.   When I talked to the Soul Mate friend she was talking, but the words coming out her mouth  were not her own, they were my husband’s. It was literally like I was talking to HIM and not her. She even said it was really “scary” that I was willing to quit chat because of PJ. I was pissed. I was QUITTING chat. This is a good thing right??? I had recognized I had an addiction and was finally willing and able to do something about it. This was a good thing and a step in the correct direction.  And all she can focus on is why I was getting out of chat.  It was at that point that I got suspicious of what was going on between the two of them. It was within 30 days that the cell phone bill error caused me to look deeply into the cell phone bill and discover that she had been calling and texting him 4 times as much as she had been calling and texting me.  At 2am and 3am on weekend nights,  on the same night he moved out where I had talked to her as well, but their conversation was longer and later The Husband tells me she is giving him inside information on things I trusted her with.   There were data files which meant that pics were sent.   I was over it and that cuntress had to be sent out of my life with nothing more than an I checked the cell phone bill, I discussed it with my husband, don’t ever contact me again.   Betrayal of that kind will not be tolerated and it certainly won’t be discussed.  Later I found out there was more, it almost put a complete stop to my reconciliation and I  lose one more  very close friend. It is literally the day I almost truly lost my mind, I thought we were through the worst of it and I seriously was at a place where I could NOT handle one more thing crashing down.   That day almost broke me, the PJ vanishing was bad, but this was worse.   I’m over it and we are back together. This is the last time we will cover this topic. Peace be with her, may this find her better than I left her.

My focus at that time was on getting my shit together, on learning to cope and be a single parent. I had numerous issues to deal with. The list was long and I had to prioritize. I also knew I had a PJ addiction, but it wasn’t something I was ready to tackle just yet. I was trying, but I was compromised mentally, checked out chemically and I had to prioritize. No one can fix everything all at once.  I still wasn’t 100% certain that divorcing my husband was the right thing for me and my family. But it was the boat I was in and I was doing my best to steer it in a better direction, haters be damned.  I did a LOT of screaming and crying in frustration during that summer. I am stronger for it.

PJ is putting forth major effort on all fronts and things are going well.  But then….he gets a new job, he is now working at some car dealership back in the back washing cars or doing repairs or some crap.  He was very, very handy and I love handy men.  His first job of the summer was working for a local farmer, who he had worked for previously, getting all the tractors and equipment up and running for planting, putting in an electric horse fence kind of stuff.    I never asked why he was changing jobs, I only know one morning as we were getting ready together he told me he was going to a job interview for a little better crappy summer job at the dealership.   The car dealership schedule has him alone there on Wednesdays until 1 in the afternoon, which makes for great IMing during Wednesday’s.  The issue with this is I usually, but not always go into my actual office on Wednesday’s.   We were enjoying the bliss of open loving communication and things going well when the next bad thing happened.  PJ was at work one Wednesday on NPR that day was all about child abuse.   He tells me that he spent most of the day crying, he tells me that his step-dad had abused him as a kid.  His Mom chooses to send him away to live with his Dad, but let his Sister stay there. He was about 10 at the time.  I guess this physical abuse went on even when he visits until one summer when he is a teen and he hits back.  If he is a sociopath, I have his Mother to thank for that.   At the time I wasn’t clued into his evil mother fuckerness, I only wanted to bitch slap his mother.   Time and perspective has taught me that we all make bad choices as mothers. Sometimes those choices are hard and heartbreaking.  When he freaked out earlier in our relationship because she had called, it was because she was trying to establish a relationship with him again. He felt abandoned and unloved by her, like she chose her husband over her kid and wasn’t open to it. When he vanishes later she is still trying and even though he has been going to weekly counseling of his own, he is still telling her no.   As part of this counseling he tells his Dad what happened to him with the Step-Dad. It is helpful ad cathartic, but his list of issues is still long.   One this day, he admits to me that he has basically been falling apart and into depressions since he arrived home in very early May.  He is overwhelmed with his issues.  He is as Tete would call it, a hot mess. This state reached it’s worst during this part of the summer and lasted until pretty close to the middle of July.

Now I have mentioned before that I was by nature a fixer.  Surely I can help this situation by giving him more, by being understanding, by being loving and not trying to be selfish.  We  are a team right, he asked me to be a team.   If a relationship is supposed to be 50/50 and the dude is only giving 25, I try to make up for this by giving 75 so he won’t leave me.   But you can’t do that. You can’t replace what someone isn’t giving you by giving them more. I had ISSUES I needed to be working on.  I needed to get my personal life in order,  to get  healthy.  I needed to step back and allow PJ to fix himself. You cannot fill a hole or complete another person. You have to be a whole person with a solid foundation on your own. They have to be the icing on your cake, not half the cake too.  I had gotten out of Public, I had gotten out of GWP.  I also know this is easier said than done, like most painful and difficult things.

At some point I ask PJ to come visit me over 4th of July.  He agrees to entertain the idea. He posts a comment on one of my r/gonewild public posts “That’s how sweaty we will be getting when I come to visit”.  I am cautiously beyond the moon.  It is looking like maybe things are going to work out here.  But he quickly snatched the rug out from under me within a week beacuse he claims that he has to be the one to work on  some of the days over the weekend. He  has from like  Saturday at 5 till Monday am free, he supposedly only lives 3 hours away. If he really wanted to see me wouldn’t he be coming down for  as much time as he could?   This plays completely into VinD’s point that as a man , if he wants a woman, he does whatever he has to do to be with her. It is inexcusable that he wasn’t standing on my porch ringing my doorbell the second that I was free of my kids over Memorial Day Weekend and this is even more heinous. He got my hopes up and then yanked the carrot away. This is how PJ operates, but I’m still in a hazy fog of lust and other issues, and even though I am starting to see it, I an quite frankly incapable of doing anything about it.  Whatever it is I am getting from him is keeping me  very attached and very around for the time being.

VinD begs me to try ignoring PJ for 72 hours. Just 3 days he says, simply be unavailable to him in any capacity for 3 days.  Don’t go online, don’t email, just ignore him.  So one weekday I do just that. I am silent and away for the entire day and it is NOT  easy.   I have a pretty crappy day at work, and there is a huge storm  where lightening sets  a house on the sac on fire. I  have the kids and we are all trying to help and then I have to get the kids calmed down because they wake up and I’m not there, the neighbors are standing in my driveway and some of us are down helping.  I finally  just go to bed so I won’t get on the internet. I have done it, I have gone and entire day without communication to PJ in any form.  The next morning I have a very lengthy email from PJ. I didn’t save it but it goes something like this.

” Please don’t go away and stop talking to me. I adore you and want you and miss you and need you.  I dream about being with you in August when I am back in school and I can’t wait to do that. I think about you all the time and don’t want to be without you.  Please, please don’t just go away”

I send a lengthy email back that goes something like this. ” Here is a lengthy description of my bad day. WTF  August?? The last I checked it was June. This may have happened in July but there really isn’t any way to accurately remember.  We talk about  this and are back on track, he is telling me he has plans and dreams for us, and I want to believe, so I choose to. He has also told me previously that he didn’t want to make any big relationship steps until after his Wedding date had passed, and that was coming up in July.

More to come next Thursday lovies.