Almost Divorce- Part 19 PJ Steps it up a notchPosted: 2011/11/17 Filed under: Ramblings | Tags: Forgive, forgiveness, Girl Code, my personal catfish story, Relationships 1 Comment
This series is published no less than once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here
We left off last time here:
pj: I’m not forcing you to do anything but I’m asking you to wait and give me time.
me: In non inflammatory tone…why should i
bc i melt when you smile
bc i can tell how you feel when you look at me
why should I PJ’s real name
pj: because it’s what I need to give you what you need
and i need
me: so i get to live in he doesn’t want me land while you work it out?
that’s a pretty big take one for the team
that’s a LOT of risk for ME
pj: yes becuase its so obv that i dont want you
pj: everyone can see that im not a fucking wreck
i dont get pms and emails asking me what’s wrong with me
me: you don’t?
pj: im so not in to you
no I get them all the time
everyone is bugging the shit out of me
me: and what do you tell them?
pj: that im a fucking mess
me: you know
pj: that i hurt the person i care about
me: if we are going to be a team
we will have to help each other
but you’re asking a LOT from me
pj: most get it and one girl is too stupid to figure it out
me; no she is just a cunt
you’ll have to back hand her with it
me: you are asking a LOT from me and in return i get very little assurance that its going to be ok
pj: ACA has been helping me out a lot with this tho since Ruxy ( ❤ you Ruxy) isn’t around to chat with
me: and what does she say
pj: all kinds of things
me: that you’re an idiot
pj: nah she has the same problem we have
she has a 33 yo Bf
and similar issues
me: she is like 19 ( ACA’s issues, which I have discussed with her as well are NOTHING like what PJ and I are dealing with. But I’m not about to say a damn thing about this because at least he is talking to someone about it. I know she has a decent head on her shoulders and is a good hearted girl so I’m not worried too much about it)
me: BIG difference
pj: i know
but emotionally very similar
me: if you have any hope of me weathering this you’re going to have to find a way to keep me reassured about it along the way.
pj: i know
can i see you tonight ( 2nd time he has asked in this conversation)
me: I WILL have doubt about it if it ever does start
bc I’m going to spend a fair amount of time in the beginning expecting you to change your mind ( doesn’t THAT sound like a fabulous beginning to an epic relationship??)
pj: that’s to be expected
me: you WILL have to earn it
me: I can’t let you tuck me in (but good Lord I want to)
me: It’s just going to make me think everything is going to be ok
pj: i understand
me: and it still won’t be
me: no it’s not really allright it fucking sucks
pj: no shit
welp now I’m late for work
I’ll talk to you later Lola’s real name
try to smile today you’re very pretty when you do
me: gee thanks
me: im not in a good place right now babe
im just not
enjoy your day
pj: neither am I
And that was the end of it. Off he went to work, I turned my attention to my work laptop and got to it.
This captured conversation is a fair example of how we communicated. I would call this an open honest mature adult conversation. I could of left off the “gee thanks”, he said sweet things all the time, including calling me sweets for an entire night once, I shouldn’t of been so flip about it. When PJ was communicating he was VERY good and communicating. We were very frank and open with each other, from the moment we met actually. He started it with “Hey, that was my naked penis up there earlier” and and this tone went on in our relationship till near the end, when I finally figured out he was fucking with me, optioning me, retreating in his responses to my questions about his intent. Yet sending me emails telling me ” Sat by the bonfire tonight, was consumed with thoughts of you. ” Hell, it could be he was simply just tired of having the same fight , tired of letting me down and not doing anything as fast as I wanted. He may of even felt a little bit like the longer he took to get himself together the better he better be so the wait would be “worth” it to me and I wouldn’t get bored and leave him for the next 25 year Greek boy that flashed a smile my way. With my inability to practice patience and with my high ability to make his dick hard and his eyes go soft it was probably just as fucked up a ride for him. If that boy has any kind of working soul ( my prayer for him is always that God will give him what he needs) then his experiences with me left him both deeply enriched and immensely fucked up. It’s funny when I started writing this story, roughly 5 months ago, I had a tiny handful of things I felt I could own regarding this relationship. And now, well let’s just say it is a laundry list. Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT blaming myself for what he did to me. I did not deserve it. I am just saying that I am finally in a place of forgiveness where I am also OK with recognizing how things may have felt and looked to him. Because I am over it, I can see it with clearer eyes. Liken it to a cataract like film that gradual dissipates as you heal. All those feelings of hate, and anger and desperation that poison the version of truth you feed yourself start to clear. I can see things from a higher elevation. It’s nice up here. I’m in his unfinished karmic business. But it is HIS business, not mine. I’ve sorted and sifted through the rubble from the implosion with all the pieces I need to keep. I’ve got some nice memories and some lessons learned. At the end of the day I can be happy with that.
When PJ left for work his g-chat went from green to off. We communicated through mostly g-chat so our lines of communication were controlled individually. If I was open to talking to him I would be on and green, or even green cam. If he was open to talking to me he would be on an green or even green cam. There is also red for busy or red cam for cam is busy, as well as away and invisible. Invisible we used often. At first so my husband wouldn’t see that we were chatting and camming and in the end to hide from each other while still being able to talk to other friends. Add in the layer of plugins that allow you to broadcast your current music as status updates and you have the instruments for the music of our sometimes carefully orchestrated status dances . We could ‘talk” to each other even when we weren’t talking TO each other. Seeing someones feelings flash across your computer every 3 minutes as their playlist broadcasts can be intense. When we were falling in love it was a beautiful lust filled swoon; when in conflict a mix of revelry, hope , resolution and despair. It’s probably the kind of thing the most annoying love sick teenagers do. I can admit I often felt like a love sick teenager. Skype works pretty much the same way.
Later that day we were chatting and and camming. He asked me twice in the morning if he can tuck me in. He knows that tucking me in is my absolute favorite thing. If we had sex as much in person as we did on cam we would be on a 1-3x a day schedule. That is how lust driven this relationship was. We wrapped it all with emotion, intimacy, vulnerability, honesty ( I thought), respect ( I thought), and love (he claimed, I lived in denial that I didn’t). In specifically asking to tuck me in Paul was offering the thing he knew I liked most and the best he had to give, this was his “I’m trying”. I knew it, and he knew I knew it. It was understood. PJ and I had a very eerie in simpatico understanding of us from the perspective of knowing how we both moved through this intricate dance. We knew us and I thought we knew each other. The mood was lighter throughout the day. We talked more about what PJ’s next steps might be. He’s told me he is thinking about going to see a therapist because he has some things he wants to work on. That his plan is to get his shit together and call me from area code (###) when he does. So he shares is area code. (Anybody else got Luda going through their head?) He later tells me the name of his home town. He also shares the story of the lost baby that day. We talk about it at length. I don’t think it really happened, but if it did I am quite certain it was awful. He went from corporately employed and about to be promoted, living with, engaged, and about to be a family with the woman he loved to dumped, alone and in art school living in an apartment with another couple. And they had a ton of mutual friends so it was everybody’s business. That summer instead of opening wedding gifts and counting RSVP’s, he was living at home above the garage above his Dad’s house, working in a low wage shitty job. He felt he gave this selfish girl everything and in the end she chose money over being with PJ where he wanted to go. To say he was still heart sick 9 months after it ended would be an understatement. He had only very recently stopped hating her. He had only recently been at rock bottom and he was only starting to be willing to try to climb out of it. It could also be a part of why we so easily bonded. We were what we each needed at the time. He needed someone to point him out to himself and educate him on how great he really was, and I needed someone to pay attention and nurture me. He said more than once that something about you just keeps me coming back. When it was working we clicked and hummed, we sharpened each other, we comforted each other, we brought each other pleasure, and supported each other. We were in every emotional sense, great friends and a couple.
That day he also tells me all his friends call him PJ. I do not like this. No 39 woman wants a 25 year old boyfriend she has to introduce to her friends as PJ. He might as well have boytoy tattooed on his forehead, or wear a scarlet B. I already called him e as my nickname for him. I never once called him PJ, which is funny because I’ve been calling him that in this blog for so long that most of the time in my head he is PJ, not his real name. So I guess I’m calling him that after all.
That’s enough for today Lovies, more to come next Tuesday, because I am not publishing a story about my Almost Divorce on Thanksgiving, even if I am quite thankful for the Almost Divorce and the opportunity to tell you my story.
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