Almost Divorce- Part 17: PJ Part 5

This series is  published once a week on Thursday’s.  Or you can start at the beginning here

A timeline can be found here

The soundtrack for this portion of the story will come exclusively from Jimmy Eat World Bleed American Deluxe Edition.   I am keeping it simple and early. Today’s is The Most Beautiful Things

So  after PJ said, No, he wouldn’t call me on the phone, I was disappointed, but not surprised.    The Husband and I were having daily conversations about  his impending move and what we were planning to do about the divorce.   We wanted it to remain amicable, and inexpensive.  We had already worked out most of the logistics details, we planned to split the kids one week on and one week off, we  filled out the child support paperwork and discovered the paltry number he was going to have to pay me each week.  I was worried that I was going to end up having to pay him in the split, but I lucked out because he agreed to actually pay more than the state paperwork told him he had to.   In order to keep things fair and as business like as possible we had our  Financial Planner come over and assist us in dividing our asset’s and debts.  Everyone left everyone else’s 401k, 403b and trust fund alone and our Financial Planner asked us if we would be getting a separation first, or just going straight to filing for divorce.   The Husband and I often discussed this tiny detail to death. Separating would allow for a cooling off period,  but it would also pave the way for  PJ to come into my life. After  PJ refused to call The Husband agreed to a full separation.  We would have the mediator come and get all of our joint filing uncontested paperwork filled out for us.  He would move out at the end of May or June,  we would start the child support and custody schedule on our own.  We set a time limit on when the separation would end, we would re-evaluate in the fall. And I would file the divorce paperwork whenever I felt I was ready to get divorced. So the ball was in my court.  Within the next two weeks he decides he is moving out over Memorial Day Weekend and will start his week with the kids that Sunday night.  Our usual switch day is going to be Friday.

PJ’s  refusal to call me leaves me unsettled, when I am unsettled I don’t just let things go, just ask the Big Guy.   I know in the moment, I bought the line about him not wanting to get his hopes up by being able to call and text with me all the time.  I flat out told him more than once I was NOT going to promise I wouldn’t end up choosing the Husband in the end.   I’m sure that made him feel great inside.   But I was smart enough to know that he was turning down free access to me any time of the day or night.   The Husband had said it was ok to him calling, he had plans to move out and had given the ok for a full, each of us do what ever we like,  separation.   PJ only lived 3 hours away, I was going to be free 7 days at a time from  Friday to Friday.   I was getting a real divorce, I knew at that point that even if PJ ran off,   a real possibility in my mind now, that I was still going to get a divorce. Things were that bad  with our relationship.   I knew all this PJ stuff was likely to be nothing more than a bad train wreck.  But as I stood in my life looking at the wreckage already in progress, having him break my heart seemed like the least of my issues.    I’m not going to say that I  didn’t have doubts about all of this.   I certainly did.  I thought  I knew him enough to feel like when present in each other’s physical space, and after the sex fog had lifted,  we  clicked on so many levels and got along so well we  would probably have enough of a bond to keep dating for a good long while.

One thing I was very sure of was that I was not pleased with where things were.  I am a real girl, with a real life that has real consequences. I told PJ in a long email, that although I could appreciate his POV and logic in the situation, it was risk averse logic.   I was ready to test out my new life, since it was becoming very clear I was going to have to craft one out of whatever was left.  I stated, ” I can’t play make believe with you forever” , I’m pretty close to done living in the land of make believe”. I was ready for PJ in my real life, not just the land of chat and cams and instant messaging.   It’s your choice, I told him, come with me for the ride in my real life and take the leap of faith with me. Either way my life is moving forward. I wanted him there.

This was the 2nd long email about our relationship.  The first one was the, “I have to stay away from you and figure out what I want” email just two weeks earlier.   To that one he responded quite sweetly. This one he basically ignored.   I’m sure we talked. I’m sure we were still “together”.  I’m sure there was naked time.   As far as the topic of our real life together went , it seemed to be on hold.   It was the start of PJ ignoring me, and my questions and feelings, while still appearing to  try to hold on to me. He told me he  thought I was trying to put him in the hole The Husband was vacating.   As far as I was concerned I didn’t HAVE a hole The Husband was leaving.  I  was no longer in love with the man, but I knew I would always love and care for him as a human being,  ex-husband and father of my kids.   I had been checked out of my marriage for a really long time before PJ came along.  I was still  having sex with him, I never stopped, it just became less frequent as the summer wore on.  It’s hard to turn down 12 years of chemistry.   I was still getting naked on cam with PJ, but as far as I was concerned if he wasn’t going to really be in my life I could fuck whomever I wanted.   Dude can’t have it both ways now can he?  Yes, PJ knew the husband and i were still  doing it.  I don’t think he liked it but I didn’t allow him any leeway to complain.  I’m sure if he had told me he stuck it to his ex or to the delusional girl, or to the girl he went on a date with back in April but claimed to not be into because she was too young ( balm for the old lady in lust with him),  I would of totally lost my shit.  I’ll own it.

I spent the rest of the month in a flurry of working, getting the children through to the end of school, dividing things up in my house and life, and sleeping alone in my bed because The Husband  moved into the guest room.   That was a yucky time for me,  like when you experience a really tragic event and life moves right along without regard to your feelings pushing you with it while you try to keep both moving forward and upright.   I had to prepare my children to move out of their home, away from all of the friends and half of their things.   I had to prepare myself financially to be a single mother living on one income. I had to prepare my boss for what was coming in my life. He informed me  the highest level of stress a person can have is death of a child or spouse. Divorce was #2.  I got it, divorce is the death of a relationship, it is the death of a family. It is the death of all of the  plans, hopes and dreams  I had already counted on having with The Husband by my side.  I had so many conflicting and confusing, separate but equal thoughts and emotions roiling around inside me.   My pussy was long lost to PJ.  My heart was broken for my kids, for my husband, but it was full of  melty euphoria and now also doubt  for PJ.  My soul was doing its best to battle the demons all of this had unleashed  and keep the rest of the black holes closed. My poor head had it the worst.  I must of sounded bat shit crazy sometimes.  I felt bat shit crazy sometimes,  but I decided you can’t be bat shit crazy as long as you can still recognize you might be.   I am way too self aware and thrashing.  My gut threw up its hands in frustration and kept a notebook from far away  leaving the rest of me to war it out on my own.   I felt incredible mother and wife guilt.  Yet I equally couldn’t wait for the freedom and alone time that a half child free schedule would give me.

The Husband moved himself and  the guest bedroom furniture out on the Friday night of Memorial Day Weekend.   I had the great luck of this happening while most of my neighbors sat in my driveway and my children cried and clung to him screaming before he got in the truck and pulled away.   I don’t think the cul-de-sac has recovered from that awkward moment to this day, and he has been back home for over a year now.  I still don’t know how I got through that night.  I know I stood up and somehow to move myself inside.  I stood shaking in my mud room  entrance, I was on the verge of breaking down, and I knew I couldn’t do it in front of the kids.  I prayed to God to just give me strength to get through the night.  My prayers were answered and I moved them through the night rituals and into bed.   I’m sure I went into the garage or home office and had my full on breakdown as soon as I physically could.  I went on to become very good at putting off my breakdowns until it was safe to have them.  There were times I couldn’t hold back and my children saw me cry, there were times I simply told them I was very sad.  I think it is somewhat good that they saw me this way.  It certainly has made us all fiercely protective of each other as a family.

I’m not sure when my habit of sending Paul  Friday  night emails that were potentially unpleasant began. Oh wait, yes I do, it was when I sent the really mean but accurate email while I was away.      I didn’t keep the email from this Friday night, but I did keep its twin sister, the Saturday morning email.    Friday night was more raw emotion  and the 2nd follow up email is still the same point, just with more time for eloquent thought or phrasing wrapping it.  Friday night was always more about me and what he wouldn’t do, Saturday usually had his side taken into account. And I can totally see why the guy wanted to run, I can see why he was scared, and  I can see why he did everything he did, except for lie.   It was an inside joke with Paul and I was that my emails always came in twos.   Friday night I sent the first one, and the response was silence. Saturday I sent the follow up.   The tone of both emails is the same. “I’m done with this online, maybe I’ll catch you in the pub room or see you on Skype or Google bullshit.  I don’t like having to enter and wait in a land of make believe to spend time with him.  I don’t even know him that well and now that the playing field and rules have changed he has to make a real life effort, just like any other guy I might meet, to prove himself to me.  It’s what I want, it’s what I need, it’s what I deserve. ” Even in my next to worst I knew I was worth more than what he was giving me in spite of what he was telling em he wanted to give me instead.   I knew I still needed time to heal and had some shit to work on before I could really jump into a relationship, I didn’t care.   I knew it would either get really serious really fast or flame out in a glorious train wreck, and I was fully prepared to take the ride consequences be damned.   I told him, ” You and I. Whatever this is isn’t not started. It has been going on for a while. As it stands now it isn’t enough anymore. I need more. I want you. More of you than see you in the pub room PJ.”

Now I really wasn’t trying to push him away.  My first Friday night email,  he had hurt my feelings, so I kicked as hard as I could to wound him deeply before he could hurt me more.  This set of emails was simply me laying it all out on the line.  This is where I am, you know who I am, you are either with me or you’re not.  I’m not saying you have to be my boyfriend right this very second and I’m not saying you should be here right now, but I am saying I am done with gone wild fakery and I need to know who the real fucking you is so I can feel like I’m not crazy. I figured I’d validate all eh life details once we were together. At this point it hadn’t occurred to me that he might have been dishonest about his life, or his choices or who he was.

I packed my kids and my laptop and took off to my bestie Momma M’s compound and proceeded to send my kids outside in country air to play and be free.  Then I retired to my room like a teenager and hid on my laptop, coming out for dinner and firepit later.  the M compound is one of my happy places, somewhere that it just doesn’t matter how broken you currently are, you will be let alone to share as you see fit and taken care of otherwise.  And there is no judgement during.    We spent the night and as it wore on there was more silence in response to my emails.  My heart was heavy and sad.   Then suddenly he appeared on g-chat.   His internet was mysteriously out and he was only able to get a signal and check mail all the way out of his house by the power poles or some such nonsense.  He had just seen the emails and of course didn’t have anything to say other than he missed me as usual.  As I slept in the guest room in the country night with my kids in sleeping bags  on the floor next to me I wondered what the hell I’d gotten myself into.  The boy I was trading I more than adore you’s with,  after initially acting like a really great guy was starting to say ( or not say) and do (or not do) things that made my emotions and heart sink.  And he was starting to make a habit of it.

More to come next Thursday.