Almost Divorce- Part 14 PJ Part 2: The roller coaster ridePosted: 2011/10/13
This series is published once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
A timeline can be found here
The soundtrack for this portion of the story will come exclusively from Jimmy Eat World Bleed American Deluxe Edition. I am keeping it simple and early. And because I don’t know how long this part of the story is going to last, today for you lovies is a twofer. Get It Faster was the first J.E.W. song PJ sent me, right at about this point in time at the end of today’s story. At the time I thought he was trying to tell me he wanted to do the right thing and was waiting for my divorce to get filed and over. But with hind sight and clarity I can see he was basically telling me he planned to GTFO all along.
Let’s see where were we? Oh yes, instead of dumping him, I didn’t. This will become a central theme, in case you haven’t been paying attention. Mostly I just handed myself to him on a platter to mercilessly mind fuck.
PJ and I worked in a cycle. You could call it the GW cycle of relationship hell with a twist. The twist comes if you land in a sociopath’s clutches, which was where I was, though I didn’t know it. If you are playing games with a sociopath you can never win. The only to win is to forfeit, do nothing, refuse to play the game. This only works if you know you are playing a game. And I didn’t know I was playing a game…yet. Once I figured it out, I simultaneously worked to get the hell away from him, as well as desperately hope I was wrong. As my bestie Tete would say, “Girl you are a hot, damn, mess”. I don’t like to waste my time, I don’t like to be wrong. I don’t like to be disrespected and I don’t like to be lied to. There were lots of internal wars going on inside me at the time and I was far from peak fighting shape.
We repeated this cycle several times. The first two were the most intense, the last the most devastating. I firmly believe near the end he was bored to death waiting for me to figure it out, and anxious to make his big dramatic exit, which would announce his troll status to the entire community.
The good part-We are both able and willing to see each other in any GW chat room, on G-chat and Skype and spend time together. Some part of this period always includes mutual naked play time or at the every least, me sending him regular goodies and him either ignoring me or pretending to be very into it.
Side note.. as I’m an working on this post.I’m thinking. This “relationship” is even more fucked up than I imagined while living it. Just, wow!
Something “bad” happens– Something goes wrong that upsets PJ and therefore, our relationship. Sometimes these bad things are caused by PJ directly making bad decisions, some by stresses in PJ’s life outside of me. Sometimes they are directly related to my actions or those of The Husband. There were often little bad things that would happen during the good part. Life stuff that a well adjusted boy should of been able to manage.
I really want to see you, be with you ,but I can’t – I am supposed to stay away from PJ. Or PJ has to stay away from me, can’t handle being online with me, doesn’t want to have playtime with me. Doesn’t know how long this depressed abysmal feeling of his will last, isn’t fit for anyone ( it’s not just you doll) and it is probably just best for me to stay away from him. In the case of the first time, I need to figure out if I am really getting a divorce because it is the right decision or because I want to sex PJ and see where that leads.
But neither of us can ever stay away for long and before you know it there are baby steps and they always leads back to….The Good Part. Rinse, Repeat. I’m not sure why I kept getting back on that ride. We took this upswing/downswing roller coaster ride of emotions no less than 3 times before it plummeted to the nuclear implosion in my life.
Somewhere in week 3 it becomes obvious to PJ and I that we are a little more connected than maybe we should be. We have started to hang out in chat together at night, with The Husband often in the room. Sometimes on cam and always watching not only what is going on in chat roll, but also keeping an eye from across the room at how much I am Pming, and with whom. He can see that PJ and I are spending too much time together, he doesn’t like that I would rather spend time online in a room staring at his face on a camera and chatting like this is no big deal in the chat roll and like star crossed lovers in PM than spend anytime doing family or wifely things. A real life friend, who was in chat with me some days, tells PJ to back off and that he is causing more issues ( remember we were in a calm time) with my marriage and tells me I need to get rid of him before he becomes a problem. So PJ and I talk about this. We decide that we are going to slow it down because I don’t want to cause more issues with the Husband and because he is a good guy who does not want to break up my marriage, no matter how much he adores me. He is a child of a nasty divorce and his Mother, according to him, made some very bad motherly choices during his childhood. We mutually agree that PJ is going to be the one to set the pace. “But don’t worry”, he tells me, “I’ll keep it to something we both enjoy because I’m really into you”.
PJ’s pace lands us even further emotionally connected. This is partially because as “bad things” happen in PJ’s life he comes to me and talks about them. We are at the least, close friends who want to touch each other. There are mutual feelings of intense lust and intense like. I really want him to let us meet, because, well, because I want to have sex with him. According to him he wants this too. But I am married and he is just a ” shy, well raised farm town boy” who just happens to be metro as hell and an artist with life and business skills. Who adores me, treats me like a queen and connects with me on just about every level imaginable. I know right? Other than the bat shit crazy maniacal mother fucker part I am as yet unaware of, he is the perfect guy for me. I get the first name lie as well. We also become more connected because of the copious amount of time we spend naked together each week day. It averages about 2x a day. Once in the morning before work and once in the late afternoon before The Husband and kids arrive home for the evening and my playtime is over. The time we aren’t spending naked we are spending chatting throughout the day like normal people who are dating or in a relationship.
We are also taking great pains to stay ahead of The Husbands snooping and displeasure. Even though every time he snooped during the almost divorce he would promise he wasn’t going to do it again, just like PJ staying away from me, it never lasted. I go away for a night in a hotel and on the town with The Husband for our 10th Wedding Anniversary. We have a good time, but the whole time I’m pretty much distracted by thoughts of PJ and taking pics for him. During this first ride PJ gets a call from his ex, goes to see her and tells me he told her he didn’t want her back. I have two dudes I am managing in my head and in my life. One who desperately wants me for himself because I’m his wife and one I desperately want for myself and claims to want me too. I spent most of the PJ era feeling like the Dr. Doolittle Pushmepullyou.
By the time it is actually our wedding anniversary date, The Husband and I go to lunch and start talking seriously about what a divorce would look like for us. Most depressing Anniversary ever. It wasn’t “just” because of PJ. He was throwing gasoline and a lit match on what was already a huge pyre of broken vows and promises on both our parts.
In between our Anniversary and Mother’s day several things happen. The end of the semester has come for PJ. He is going to have an ENTIRE Monday off and he wants to spend the whole day with me. I get an entire Lola day for being such a good sport about online dating 20 minutes at a time PJ for the last several weeks. It is alluded to, but not quite solidified that we will likely end up physically together during this cornucopia of time. I’m pretty stoked about this. But instead he moves back home from school a week early. He has purposefully, physically removed himself from within my grasp of 50 miles to about 3 hours away. He has chosen to move FURTHER away early, and without telling me until it was done, because ” I was going to do a really bad thing and I don’t want us to get together like that” . It isn’t just about sex for him and he doesn’t want me if he can’t have me free and clear. I am pissed, but his logic makes sense, and at the time it seemed like he was saving me from myself. It seemed like he was a great guy who made a difficult and unpopular decision in trade for the hope of something better.
And then Monday comes. And it’s is absolutely wonderful. We had an inside joke later that bad things always happen on Mondays. But that Monday was the exception. We spent just about the entire day with each other. Moving throughout our homes with our laptops pretending we were really together. We talked and continued to bond both clothed and naked. We popped in and out of chat together on my all about Lola day. It was the Monday before Mother’s day weekend. He started his summer craptacular job number 1 that week and started hanging out regularly with his group of home town friends. We still kept to our basic schedule of mornings together before work, chatting at lunch or throughout the day as we each had a free moment, together in the late afternoon, and hang out in chat staring at each other and talking. At some point in this first few weeks someone else invites him to GWP and I login in one day and see his face staring at me. I never wanted another pet of mine in GWP again and was slightly ticked off to find him there inside my sanctuary. It would only later serve as another level of rabbit hole with PJ hell we could chase each other into and out of.
The weekend of Mother’s Day I am on the couch, in chat, with my laptop. Obviously I have naked cams hidden and I am clothed, it is the weekend. I am there to spend time talking to and looking at PJ. The Husband shows by my side and informs me that we can get a non-contested divorce online for cheap. Then proceeds to start filling out the paperwork in front of me while we hang out in the home office later. I’m in chat giving PJ the play by play as this is all happening. The Husband asks to see the prelim child support work sheets I had already filled out months ago when I preemptively did my divorce budget to make sure I could keep my house on my own and still eat. Turns out I can do that just fine. Thank God for good jobs with good paychecks. This fact becomes very satisfying later when an acquaintance looks at me with fake pity and asks..”Where are you living?”. I am living in MY house that I can afford on my own with the jobby job I work and get compensated for. That is where I am living. Women can be so vicious and nothing brings out vicious more in women than thinking a strong woman has fallen down. Why this is, I will never understand, but I digress.
The night before Mother’s Day I am pretty much over all the bullshit and an emotional wreck. The Husband heads to bed around midnight and I say fuck it. I take my laptop and PJ and I head to the couch, alone. The Husband is done with me and we are both cautiously giddy that this means there is a free and clear shot for us to meet and see where it goes, for PJ to take his real life shot and having me. We stay up together until something like 3 or 4 in the morning and he is all “sweets” and “doll” and ” I more than adore you”. It was a fabulous night and one we would refer to for the rest of our time together.
See up until that point we were ‘trying” to abide by The Husbands rules. Once the declaration of “we are getting a divorce” was made things shifted. It was from that moment on that the whole planning to eventually be together chase started. Sunday, Mother’s Day, we spend doing basic Mother’s Day stuff, but the day is ruined for me. I take my rings off. That night after dinner at my Mother’s house we sit the kids down and tell them. This goes just about as well as you might imagine it did. It rips everyone’s heart out. The Husband and I can now talk of nothing else as we try to navigate our way through this as amicably as possible without crushing everyone around us.
Monday morning comes. PJ and I are on cam together, clothed and talking, starting our day and pretty happy to have this opening even if it is going to suck for a while and he gets an email from the Husband telling and asking him as a man to go away and leave his wife alone, to think of the fact that she has a family that loves her and whatever else. PJ didn’t read it to me because he got very upset and had to go..shit just got very very real and my life is about to get much much worse. Time elapsed so far, about 5 weeks. For perspective when I started dating The Husband, within 5 weeks we were at the I love You stage and he was living at my apartment during the week while I traveled for work.
More to come next Thursday…..