Fearlessly Be Yourself- sometimes this comes at a costPosted: 2011/09/01 Filed under: Ramblings | Tags: Christian, Church, Forgive, forgiveness, God, Relationships, Religion and Spirituality, Writers Block 4 Comments
Yes, I know it’s Thursday. Life very much got in the way of getting the Almost Divorce story back on track. Life will be in the way until Tuesday. On Tuesday I have two glorious days off for me. I’ll be running my 2nd Half Marathon in 2 days and then immediately going on a family trip.
I’m going to need those two days and I have a massage, a facial and lots of writing time planned. I’m sort of at a crossroads with the AD story. My feelings about the subject evolve as I share more and more. My feelings about the subject evolve as I receive positive, constructive, and hateful feedback. I’ve been a little stuck; not from an oh its too hard to write emotionally standpoint, we are way past that nonsense. It’s more writers block from a where to take the story next standpoint. I honestly think I need to sit down and print it out and read it the old fashioned way from part 1 to part 9, which has been in edit mode for over a month.
I sometimes worry as I tell it if I’m doing it well enough, being fair enough to everyone involved, being graceful enough about PJ, owning enough etc… Whenever I feel this way, or whenever I get hateful feedback I have to ask myself just one question. And that is, is this ME… Am I fearlessly being myself?
Yes I am. This week that came at a cost of my children no longer having a church their Mother feels welcome in. Which means they no longer have a church. It also means that the 3 years of work I put into my family and The Husband to find a church we could agree on, actually get up and go, have the kids like it and then get brave enough to volunteer and serve in is ruined. It means that the fight I put into making sure my Divorce Decree said I was able to take my kids to church every Sunday in spite of whose week it was, was wasted.
And they did it the the most cliched, this is why people hate Christians and The Church way.
I was told a BLOG is not the best way to work through issues, the church as an organization must be protected and I need to stop serving in any capacity.
Now I was never told what about this blog/me is the danger. I’m just lobbing a slow one over the fence and guessing it’s the AD story. But really, in light of the judgement it could be the vodka, the cussing, the sex stories of my youth, maybe the music I listen to. Who knows and I’m not wasting time worrying about it. I got my boobs out on the internet and then discovered that is a BAD idea and leads to MUCH BIGGER problems which are also not good. I sinned, recovered, was forgiven, learned from it and then started sharing with others. Yes, it’s intense, it’s way personal. a friend pointed out this week that it is my ministry to others.
But they aren’t kicking me out , they still want us to come. And they would be happy to help me with my recovery process in any way. I’m the one choosing to feel this way ( unwelcome/kicked out) about what they did.
They tried to shame me, but it didn’t work. I carried around shame about my actions during and after for far too long. I haven’t had that shame in awhile because God, The Husband and I have all forgiven me. As far as the rest, well, it’s me shrugs. Fearlessly being myself, I choose to feel unwelcome in that house of worship and never go back. It’s a loss for me for sure, it’s a loss for my family. I cried, like a lot. But I’m not ashamed.
Lovies, my commitment to myself is that I will come away next Thursday being at least 2 weeks ahead again on the Almost Divorce story. Have a safe and Wonderful Labor Day weekend and GOD bless you!!
And one more thing- God loves you for who you are, as you are. It doesn’t matter how broken you’ve been or are right now. A church should embrace you with God’s love and seek to help you repair and grow.
thank you Liz, your support and kind words me so much to me..
I’ve been fortunate that my church has embraed my blogging in a way I sometimes get a little embarassed about. Granted, I’m lacking cussing. And lacking sex stories. But I am open and hoenst about mistakes I’ve made and what I’ve learned along the way. I’m sorry you’re going through this- it would break my heart if my church family did that to me.
You are the woman. You are victorious. Too bad not everyone chooses to see you that way. Love you.