Time for a BGP self-talk.Posted: 2011/08/21
It’s Sunday. We saw kid Rock last night so church was not on my agenda this am. I have guilt about this because I haven’t been in a few weeks, since the last time I worked. I work in the Pre-School room and soon I will be the lead teacher half the time for the 8Am service…gulp. Anyway I miss it when I don’t go. Our Pastors always seem to be delivering just the message I need to hear even if I didn’t know I needed to hear it. Taking that time for worship and inner reflection on Sunday helps me process, release emotions, become calm and centered or have major emotional break downs/throughs. Sure running is close therapy, but close is not enough for too long. During the almost divorce I got a lot closer to my God, I certainly needed Him more than I think I ever had in my life, and I can tell you without a doubt that He was there with me. But this is not about that.
This is about the fact that it’s Sunday and I don’t have this Thursday’s installment of the Almost Divorce written. This is not normal, I am usually up to three weeks ahead of schedule for posts that are written, edited, and scheduled. I usually have a few more related portions already started or it just random thought jotting form or whatever. I usually have an inventory of things to do to manage the upcoming installments.
I write that story for a lot of reasons. While I was living it I knew it was screwed up enough that I should be writing about it. I probably told PJ a dozen times I should write a blog. There a a lot of lessons in that story. There are a lot of things to learn about a world most of you may never choose to step into and some of you have already lived, or are living currently. There are a lot of things to say about going through an almost divorce and staying, dare I even say happily, married to the one person you originally thought was going to be the love of your life. There are things to say about forgiveness, and humility and lessons learned that just have to get put into the universe in case they unlock something in a positive way for just one other person somewhere. The almost story is the story of my beautiful epic disaster. There are also a lot of love and laughs to share.
Part of the reason I spend large amounts of my brain space and personal time writing about that topic is for PJ closure. He was a big loss for me. I can without shame look you in the eye and tell you PJ is the largest heartbreak of my life. I own and recognize that I will never get any answers to this puzzle directly from him. And even if I did how could I even begin to find any way to trust what I was being told. Insanity;Albert Einstein. This means I will not get the apology I more than deserve, will not ever know what his name really is, will not ever know the depth of the lies or the motive behind them. I’ve known since the day after it happened and I was sitting in my therapists office for an emergency session that I would have to create my own ending to the Lola and PJ story. This all goes back to the how can I land on what I feel about what happened if I don’t have a good picture of what really happened to me. When I started this it seemed I had two choices to pick from, is he or isn’t he a sociopath? ??
My plan was that as I wrote the whole Almost Divorce story I could percolate this question. I would be forced to write about him as part of the story. I figured as I was forced to write about him that I would start to remember earlier epiphanies I ignored; that I would have new epiphanies and that as a matter of course I would land at an answer to the question at the end of his portion of the story. Those things and more are happening. But I’m on the edge of something big inside of me, and I am struggling with if I need to work it out before I get to PJ in the timeline or stick with the plan and let the writing guide me to the answer. A BGP session is in order for myself, I need to pinpoint the reason for my procrastination and work through it. I’ve been working on it in my heart and head for a few weeks now as I watched my I’m x weeks ahead wither away each Thursday. And I am finally ready to tackle this now.
I don’t think it is the sociopath question that is causing my procrastination. The status of his psyche isn’t going to give me a clear cut release from him. For some reason I am stuck on how much was done to intentionally to hurt me and/or how much of it was fabricated. The astounding amount of detail to our conversations makes the pondering of that question almost enough to shut me down. How could someone be THAT evil, well a sociopath could easily be that evil. Conversely how could someone be that scared or stupid? Well a 25 year old boy with all the emotional issues he owned could of easily been that scared and stupid. Regardless, it is very hard to fathom the amount of effort that must of been involved in creating a lie of such magnitude, of such length, of such detail and of such faked emotion and sentiment shown visually, and verbally and in text. A lie with such consequences played out over time, for a woman with kids who were being affected too, never mind The Husband. Now I’m not blaming him for my choices, I’m just saying he KNEW what he was doing when he was doing it.
I would like to unlock WHY that matters to me because it is truly the only thing keeping me emotionally tethered to him. Keeping the scar he left from fading as quickly as it can.
Am I actually telling myself that I would feel better about what happened if I could in some way convince myself that he did in fact have real feelings for me?? Is that implying that if he really did have feelings then he must feel badly about what he did?? And that I would somehow feel better if I could convince myself he cared? Why would I feel better if I thought he really loved me?
Because then that would make it more worth it? Nope that’s not the answer, I am actually glad that I went through this journey. Man it sucked but I wouldn’t take any of it back because it got me to THIS moment. This is one of my life mantras.
Do I think that if he loved me that makes what we “had” some how more real? Nope this is not the answer. I already know it was real because I lived it. It was all REAL regardless of the status of his psyche because he the person chose to create it as he saw fit. It doesn’t matter is PJGW was more real than PJ. They are the same persons mind and heart and intention.
Does it truly matter to me if he really loved me? Don’t I already know the answer to this question is ummm NOOOOO! Doesn’t the fact that I’m sitting here typing this a year later with no PJ next to me and no apology in my inbox mean that he didn’t? Doesn’t the fact that regardless of the status of his psyche that he still WILLINGLY CHOSE to lie to me, about more than one thing show me that he didn’t? It’s an easy question to answer, that boy did not love me or like me much beyond my parts. It is a harder answer to swallow, but I’ve been getting it down easier and easier. What that dude thinks or felt about me really doesn’t matter. That dude is gone.
Any explanation rendered would be impossible to trust, and any explanation that could be trusted would involve way more effort and providing of documentation on his part and effort on my part to wade through and verify than I am likely to invest.
The answer is it doesn’t matter, so letting go of the question is what is in order. That apology is never coming and could not be trusted, so why pine for it?
It doesn’t matter if he is or isn’t a sociopath. He isn’t PJ Sociopath OR PJ the fucked up scared little boy. He’s just PJ the sad, pathetic, creepy, loser. PJ the ex, the last in a long line. It’s a Zero Sum game with no winner. The outcome has already happened. It is what it is, the so now what is what matters. I have all the answers already. I got to the conclusion before the end of his part of the story and I think it rattled me a bit. I kept hoping that something would magically happen to give me what I thought I needed. But it won’t I have the answer. I just needed to look at it NOW vs putting it off and dealing with it later.
I know there will still be times when emotion or pain makes me weak on this subject. Healing takes time, but I finally feel like it’s just a scar that is fading away. Now, I have a much lighter heart and 9 miles waiting for me I need to properly prepped for. Plus I’m buying Chuck Taylor’s today and hopefully having a Reddit friend paint them custom for me. I hope you all had an amazing weekend.