Almost Divorce- Part 5 Breaking the boundariesPosted: 2011/07/28
This series is published once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
At this point I am posting pics to Reddit gonewild, and I have started using email and G-chat with guys I am meeting via the Reddit comments or messages. I’m posting a lot and although my stuff isn’t upper echelon; because I am not very young, very skinny, very exotic, or very fetish centric; I almost always end up on the front page and I almost always stay there for most of the day and sometimes into the next. The collective likes me and i like them.
The Husband had agreed that I could try all of the online sexytime things and and that trail was blazed by the first guy we agreed I could email/chat/cam with. AJ was very quick to try to manipulate the activities to cam. He is late 20’s, lives far enough away and is engaged but his SO does not know he does this. I am not his first online playmate. He is a very pushy type and we often battle for control. I learn later I kind of like being told what to do once a dude has earned my trust and I feel safe enough to let go, but this guys was bordering on bully pushy. He would try to actually direct and order every move he wanted me to make or do. I’d never done any of this before and didn’t really know what to expect, but I was pretty sure if done correctly it was supposed to feel better than it did with AJ, physically and emotionally. But I was still feisty as hell me. It wasn’t all bad obviously or I wouldn’t of kept doing it. I loved the way he called me “baby” with his East Coast accent and I liked it when he was just talking to me like a friend. He wasn’t the only admirer I had at the time or the only guy I was playing with. But the realities of the situation were I only had so much time in a day in which I was could play. I only had so much of my time and energy to spread around online. I’d rather continue to cultivate what I’ve got if it is tolerable, once was enjoyable and has potential than have to go through the work of screening and breaking in someone new. I’m a PM, I like return on investment. So much so I often will keep at something much longer than I should because I don’t want to let it go of the previous effort. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED the thrill of the chase and catch as well.
As part of our new online relationship as virtual friends with virtual benefits, AJ is starting to ask for and get information like my real name, where I really live, ask me to take and send just him pics that weren’t on GW, get me to talk or play outside of playtime hours. And we are spending way too much time talking about our lives and thoughts and feelings on things instead of just sticking to the business of play. This is starting to no longer be about just playing with some anonymous real people as mutual visual/audio stimulus props. This is starting to head into, why am I starting to think I might actually “like” this guy territory. Why does he say and do things like he is starting to “like” me too. I am being pushed into breaking the rules but I am still choosing to break them. AJ is starting to become special, the first pet, the last was PJ. I am still investing time and energy into keeping up with other various admirers, and also enjoying the pursuit of others I’m interested in for myself. I don’t half-ass much, and this experiment is unlocking the fun part of my sexuality again, but isn’t really the perfect compromise for my marriage either. At this point we were still talking very openly about my online activities and interactions. The Husband knew who was in my online life and could see any GW pics comments etc. GW and the people I was meeting and hanging out with was often discussed between us just like real life friends might be discussed. But other things were also going on.
The Husband knew I was breaking rules with AJ because he had gotten very good at spying on me. He would find and use my passwords to break into my email or Reddit accounts and snoop around. He would spend time at work logged into G-chat as me watching the messages go back and forth. This behavior started in him when I went on Craig’s List and he started snooping. He no longer trusted me. Then we would have a fight or discussion every time he found something that he didn’t like. Some things were very valid. I was not following the rules we had agreed to. But some things were ridiculous him jumping to conclusions, and none of it was mixing well. We would fight about privacy vs. being right, it was a game neither of us were going to win. I was breaking the rules so he felt that gave him hand. I felt like my privacy was being horribly invaded, because it was, and I started feeling like an angry caged animal. I’ve been treated like a caged animal before. More than one summer spent grounded to my room not allowed to leave it except to pee and for meals. Because it wasn’t “clean” enough or some other such bullshit. Translation, my step mother didn’t want to have to see or deal with me in any way, so she grounded me to my room in our basement for 6 + weeks at a time more than one summer until school would start again. I had no choice as a child, but I do not do caged animal well as an adult. Once we entered into this ugly cycle, we just couldn’t break free. He felt like I was giving all my best energy and enthusiasm to the online guys and he got the “bad” stuff left over at the end of the day. We are fighting about how much time I am spending and I am mad because he agreed to this every step of the way. It was discussed and agreed upon each and every little step towards that one on one camming. But it isn’t working out like we imagined it would and now we have to have even MORE conversations about scenarios and rules and what is and isn’t ok to say or do. We haven’t gotten there yet, but chat was going on at this time too and we were really just desperately trying to find the balance between what would give me what I wanted and needed and what he could live with me doing.
I recognize at this point that something is shifting here, that maybe I don’t have a sex issue per se. Maybe I have an emotional issue or maybe my marriage has a latent issue (it sure the heck DID by that point). There feels like an empty hole of uncomfortable and anxious somewhere inside of me that is not getting filled with the sexy time part. It seems to feel better once emotions get involved, but I’m smart enough to know that I don’t have true emotions for AJ, that these are hormone filled circumstantial feelings. I just don’t have clarity at this point to know where the real issue is yet. I start to feel like maybe AJ is the problem, he is pushy and has disrespected our rules and my husband with his pushiness. And I don’t make matters any better by sharing The Husbands issues with AJ in an effort to make changes between us so that he can still be in the stable. I should of just stuck to the business of what MY issues were and left The Husband out of the equation because it set things up for an adversarial tone that The Husband would feel about all my pets and some of my more regular playmates from then on. We had constant battles until he moved out about my breaking rules with the online guys, what was and wasn’t ok to do. He still kept letting it go on, enabling me to be able to do it in other ways. He just wanted me to be happy. AJ repeatedly promises to stop being so pushy and trying to get me to break the rules. But he never sticks to this and a sometimes I give in b/c I like the playing part and I will admit a liked the pursuit some too. . But I am growing tired of the game and the stress of it all. I just wanted something easy and in bounds and I have that with other guys. Approximate amount of time it took me to start getting a little too into AJ… about 3-5 weeks. Time it took me to completely remove him from any contact in my life. About another year and half. He was my first GW guy so he stuck around as a pseudo friend, who always pushed the envelope on what he could get from me. In spite of me setting the boundary clearly at nothing as a condition of friendship. I grew tired of this and eventually just stopped answering his emails. Real things I knew about him: First name, town, birth date, jobs and life stories. I have fond memories of AJ, he was my first GW guy and I will not likely forget him. I just don’t want or need and cannot have him in my life. It’s different now than it was.
More to come next Thursday.