Almost Divorce- Part 4 Make new friendsPosted: 2011/07/21 Filed under: Ramblings | Tags: Karma, my personal catfish story 1 Comment
This series is published once a week on Thursday’s. Or you can start at the beginning here
I created my own personal Reddit Gonewild account. It would be the first of several that were started, posted on and later nuked into oblivion along with all the posts and pics and sometimes even comments left attached to that nick. I start spending way too much time getting good at taking, editing, coming up with a clever title with an “f” in it. I am posting way more than what would be considered moderation to me now. It’s fun to play dress up and figure out ways to take pictures of your body that look good. I’m about 25+ pounds larger at this time than I am now. But I’ve been blessed with some good attributes and am generally confident about my body. I am also good at comment banter and this helps my ratings. These postings are a HUGE ego boost. They are also a HUGE time suck. This was way before I got lazy and really good at using an iphone to get a decent shot and get it uploaded to Imgur and then r/gonewild within minutes. I was doing things like setting up the tripod or the web cam and coming up with good shots, and editing them and then managing the comment banter and flood of new PM’s. I am laughing at myself right now just thinking about the ridiculousness of it all.
It was ridiculous because I was going overboard, getting caught up in it and letting it take over. The planning and doing and getting karma was fun. Dressing up and feeling sexy is a perfectly healthy expression of my sexuality, whether or not that’s ok to share with others should be up to each couple. There are plenty of reasons why pics of your anonymous little Lola’s on the internet are bad idea, but that ship has sailed for me, so learn from me lovies. At the time I was really getting a lot out of this emotionally and I grew to become more and more interested in that boost and all of the attention that came with it. Even while being able to recognize what was happening. I just didn’t want to stop. Other things started to happen too. Stuff we hadn’t counted on or thought about before we started down this path. I started making friends. There was a ‘fan base” of guys who almost always left at least one comment per post depending on my replies. I was getting Reddit PM’s from guys who didn’t leave a comment but always PM’ed, stories and email addresses and requests for trading pics or more personal G-chatting or video one on one time. And this time it was still very honey moon phase and all open between The Husband and I.
Each time an opportunity I was interested in would present itself we would discuss it. That is how we came to agree to a set of boundaries for me. No names, no faces, no real identity items. No one was going to be getting on a plane or falling in love. I could play when I was free during the week. Basically around my work priorities in the alone time I had each day I was in the Home Office, or I could play on the weeknights/weekends he was gone and kids were in bed. We didn’t know it but we were setting up two lives for me. The real me with all of life’s commitments including the online items I was adding to my list. And online world version of my real life except this place had a sexy time option. I was given permission to establish a fake email account for the purposes of using it to trade pics or stories and then to G-chat or Skype IM. Eventually chat room private room chat, then video G-chat or Skype Private cam chat. As long as I stayed within the boundaries we mutually agreed upon The Husband tells me he is fine with this kind of extra curricular activity. Because we are keeping it to just sex, not emotions or love. And in the beginning we are both pretty open about this whole thing and it seems to be solving our issues. This kind of thing might work well with some people in some relationships, but myself in my marriage isn’t one of them. I have an addictive personality and my Husband is truly a one woman man who isn’t really open to sharing me , he landed the prize and he wants to keep it all to himself. But is trying really hard to pretend he is.
It started out about lust. There is a reason lust is a sin, and that sin in general is also described as unquenchable thirst. I can now tell you what feelings of unquenchable literally all CONSUMING LUST can do to a person. This surge of hormones and endorphins was the feeling I craved. I had a solid notion that I tied physical lust to emotional love. I knew that emotions for someone “new” can be very powerful at first with all the chemistry. I had also already learned a few times that sex cannot make a man love you. Just because he wants to have sex with you does not necessarily means he even likes you or wants to do it again. Tucker Max has publicly confirmed these lessons for ALL of us.
I don’t know why more of us don’t learn this lesson faster. I don’t know know why more of us can see it happening to everyone else, but cannot recognize it in ourselves until it is an epic disaster. Or why even if we do recognize it as the epic disaster it is going to be, consciously choose to ignore this and proceed ahead bravely to the point of stupidity. I’m not sure but I think we do it because we need love. We don’t just need love we need to FEEL loved and wanted and sexy or safe or whatever your particular button is. Once your love as a couple is mature there isn’t that hormonal overload and overdrive of ego swooning and gooshy feelings all running through you morphine drip style that the thrill of the chase and catch of new love has. That wears off and goes away to be replaced by things like safety and security and houses in the suburbs with custom drapes on cul-de- sacs crawling with kids. You have to actually CHOOSE to WORK at loving your partner by providing them with the kind of love they need to feel most loved. I learned that reading Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. That book saved my reconciliation, no lie. Those magical moments of I have to have you right now sex don’t just happen on their own anymore. If you still need or want those moments (And I hope we all still do) you have to make them and that takes work. I knew this in theory and thought I was doing it already and just needed more. Oh what a mistake I was making.
More to come next Thursday
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