Almost Divorce- Lies PJ told me

As part of this process I’ve been recollecting the things that didn’t quite add up at the time, things I ignored,  and things that I realize as I write this story.   They will weave into the actual story as the timeline progresses, but I’m putting  them all in one place for reference.  As I recognize more I’ll add more.  Realizing the dead baby was a fake baby  is what pushed me over the edge this week made me realize that 100% of what the man said and did to me was nothing but lies. I’m no longer feeling badly about telling stories of “his”  that aren’t mine to tell.  He’s gone vanished, drifted on to the next mark or through more than one by now.    He has nary the balls to ever come back and look me in the eye nor the fortitude to deal with me if he did.  I’m over it lovies and here are the lies.. so far.

“You don’t wanna be my enemy I promise you. If you do Mother Fucker bring it on”

I don’t have Gmail:

• When I first meet him on chat (early April) and we start talking both there and on Reddit the subject of how else we might be able to interact comes up. I suggest he get a fake Gmail account, to which he replies he does not have a Gmail account of any kind and has never used Gmail.
• Later on in May when I am fed up with the online and in my first attempt to pull away and force him to be “real”, I tell him he can’t email anymore with his PJGW Gmail account. If he wants to email me he has to email my real Lola account with a real PJ email account.  I am supposed to have an online lunch date with him that day and I’m basically at this point also refusing to be available online in any other way. I’m not g-chatting or skyping.  If he wants to have lunch with me and see me on this day he has to cough up a real email account. I am fed up and I am PISSED at this point and I am not playing.  The morning ticks by and at some point he coughs up guess what… A GMAIL account!  He sends me an email from itsPJ@gmail.com instead of the PJGW@gmail.com I’ve been emailing and g-chatting with.
• This is the first real time I put a line in the sand and then actually make the choice allow him to pull me over it towards him.  I know I took notice that he was sending a fucking Gmail addy.  I’m just NOT that stupid.  I may not have remembered what he said about not having Gmail at first, but I do not consider Gmail to be “real” mail and I never have. I consider your WORK email to be real mail.  Even though it was summer he should have had access to his .edu email at school/work.  And if you don’t have a work mail then I consider some version of yourfirstandlastname@gmail.com to be your “real” email.  But I wanted to be with him and didn’t know how evil he really was yet, so I let is go in the hopes there would be more real PJ coming.

Do you drive a truck or a car?

• When we first met he rode his bike back and forth to campus for class, office hours, and his own personal studio time.  This was in the first month when he was still at school and I was lucky if I got to see him during the day, when I was allowed to play.  Sometimes this 20 minutes was just eating lunch on cam together and talking, and sometimes it was more naked than that.   One day he wanted to see me really badly due to the massive amounts of teasing and flirting we had been conducting via email and IM. Between his class/office hours schedule and my work/meeting/parenting schedule that day there was only going to be an hour window. He was at school and had to get home and back in an hour. So he rode the public transit bus to his apartment to be able to have 20 minutes with me.   15 minutes home via bus, 20 minutes for PJGW/LolaGW time and 20 minutes to get back to campus.  When we were done and he was dispensing the “Cya later doll, I adore you”, he mentioned he would have to take the car with the bike rack back to campus and then drive home later.
• Later in time I am pissed again about how he isn’t getting with the program and he is obviously just in it for sexy time, he doesn’t really care about me or want to be with me I get this gem.  “If this was just about sex to me I would have fucked you in my TRUCK in the parking lot when the Big 80’s band was playing”. The band was playing while he was still at school.    I play this off by saying “I thought you  had a car, not a truck”
• Now by this time he had traded in his vehicle for a Mazda at the car dealer he worked for. So it stood that he was driving a CAR at the moment. But what the fuck where you really driving in early May?  He said he had traded the truck in for the Mazda.  So dude, we are still missing a car here somewhere? Was there a bike rack in your truck?  I do not remember if I pressed the bike rack problem.  My hormones and heart where not much interested in what my gut had to repeatedly say during these times.

 Women have made up babies for centuries to keep men, why can’t a man do it to keep a Lola?

• In the first early weeks of our relationship PJ tells me about how we was engaged. He’d dated the girl for 5 years,  lived with her after college and was set to marry her in July of the coming  summer. When he had his mid 20’s crisis and decided he was going to  quit his corporate job and go to Grad School for ART. Fiance supposedly tried to be supportive and visit schools , but when push came to shove she wanted $$ not PJ so she dumps him and off to Grad school he goes.   Understandably he is fucked up over this.  Sometime in late April  he tells me the ex has called, she wants to talk.   I ask him how long it’s been and he says it’s  been about 8-9 months since their break-up.    He thinks she probably wants him back.    I ask if maybe she is preggers or has a baby.   He laughs and is smiling about this.    He tells me he asked her if she “has a baby” before he drives to his old town an hour or so from his school and 1.5 hours from me.   He goes to see her and tells me she was very into getting back together.   She really wanted a ride on the new PJ train and is very remorseful about their break-up.   He tells her he doesn’t want her back.
• Fast forward  to less than a month later.  This is before the first real break-up between us and after I am way passed pissed and done putting up with his I can’t be with you now but I want to be  BS.  He tells me that while they were engaged she lost a baby at about 4-5 months in. They were both very devastated, and this happened just a few months prior to his grad school exit out of their relationship.   Now by this point, this is the THIRD woe is me story he has concocted.   He says he hasn’t really dealt with  the baby loss or the break-up loss.  He  adores me and we are just so close and he hasn’t ever really told anyone this story.   He needs to heal from all of these things and he swears he will go get counseling and begin to work on “bad” PJ so “hopefully  a better  PJ will come”  and we can be together.
• After watching an episode of Game of Thrones this week where a whore tells a dwarf that of course the other  girl who broke his heart was also a whore, ” a woman who was almost raped does not lie with a man that same night”  it hits me.  WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING MONSTER ASKS IS EX-FIANCE IF SHE “HAS A BABY” WHEN SHE HAS LOST ONE?   And this is going to be their first convo since breaking up? That’s what he leads with?  Something he is so devastated about he claims he can’t talk about it even with her?  How does this portion of the story not come up when he is telling me about going to see her in the first place? The  ” I adore you Lola’s” were already flying fast and furious by this point.   How does a dude supposedly so worked over by this loss laugh and smile at my original “does she have a baby” question?  The answer is, an actual  human being doesn’t do that.  Someone who has a loss that large and shared doesn’t do that. That dead baby is FAKE,  a plot and a ploy at just the right moment to make it look like he is sharing and opening up to me. To buy him more of my time and attention and love.    If I’d been even half on tack as I am capable of that one never would of gotten past me the minute he tried to put it out there.   But I was too chemically checked out and  there was too much emotion and too much chaos all going on at that time.   I didn’t even catch it until that episode of Game of Thrones

So you do or don’t have internet access?

• During that summer PJ was conveniently never home for a weekend.  Sometimes I would hear from him on the weekend and sometimes not at all. This particular weekend in question was either when he moved his sister into her apartment in the town 1.5 hours away from mine or was making a road trip stop at the school apartment 40 minutes away from my house and told me he would not have internet access during this time. I believe it was phrased as “I probably won’t even take the laptop because I won’t have internet access”    It was during the time I was not going into either Public Chat or GWP Chat on a regular basis but he was just going into GWP.   After the first break up with me on g-chat without an apology or even a cam I went in chat even less, and this was sometime after that.

• I popped into GWP that weekend on like Saturday night (my gut always knew, it just did and I ignored it repeatedly) and you’ll never guess who was on. Good old PJGW. He was in chat but NOT showing as green in g-chat or Skype. So he tells me he has no internet access, and proceeds to spend time in chat but not make himself available to me. Guess he didn’t think I was going to check.