Lessons learned from being molested

There are things about sex that someday I need my daughter to know.  I need her to know that inside of every woman is a rightful whore and that you must not unlock that power too soon in your life, and that when you do it comes with great responsibility to your self and those you bless with your gifts of your flesh, heart and soul.

To understand my point of view on this she is going to have to hear about how I was sexually molested in grade school. This knowledge about her Mother’s past is going to answer a LOT of questions for her. Like why she was the only girl with a pink tutu over her white catsuit she wore in dance recital.  Because I don’t want pervs looking at my sweet little girl’s buns.

I was sexually molested by not one but two teenage boy babysitters. They were brothers. I was like 10 and they would of been 16 and 17 or so. OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER. There was  hands and fingers in my panties touching and some kissing .   The first time happened on my parents bed by the older brother and younger brother tried to follow up the next time he babysat while watching tv.  I  remember the 2nd incident happening in front of our big 70’s console TV in the basement. My bedroom was also in the basement and it made it great to stay up late and watch the big TV. I had a pretty emotionally crappy childhood going so far and staying up late watching TV while propped in my door jamb unbeknownst to the actual watcher of said TV in other room was a small joy of mine. The babysitters would watch that tv after we were all put to bed.

I remember several things about these incidents and the years that followed.

• I kinda liked the attention when it happened, it sort of felt weird and cool and also scary all at the same time.
• I distinctly remember having a conversation  with older first molester boy about how I was going to cry rape. I was being all coy in my head and he was FREAKING out.  Even then I didn’t take shit from anybody, I just didn’t KNOW it yet.  I wish I’d made good on that threat.
• I thought this meant it was my fault and if I told then I would get in trouble. I was actually AFRAID that the two boys would tell my step-mom and dad what I did.
• In 5th grade I wrote a note to a boy in another class and got caught passing it. It had something to do with so and so saying I was a whore.  I mean seriously I was 11, the kid who  said it probably didn’t even know what it meant, but I KNEW it was true b/c of what had happened with the babysitters.
• Its is a word I use to describe myself sometimes to this very day. Tho usually it is in jest or love.

I somehow blocked the  molestation out of my head until I was close to 30.  I do not recall talking of or recognizing this happened until 20 years later.  I was seeking counseling as an adult  b/c I had serious issues of freezing up and being unwilling/unable to have as much sex with my husband as he liked.    I would feel pressure for sex and couldn’t put out very often, wouldn’t be mindfully involved in the act and focusing my mind and attentions on my husband.  It was a problem.  The therapist asked me if I’d ever been molested because she said it sure as heck sounded like I had. My first reaction was heck no. It took me until the middle of the SECOND time we talked about this to suddenly remember 4th grade.   Yep I found out I was molested at age 10 when I remembered it at age 30 something.   I promptly filed that under oh look there’s something that explains a lot, let’s acknowledge but just stick it back in the secret room off the soul for another day.

To me the rightful whore is  the sexual being inside every human that should be allowed to be as carefree and able to decide that it can have what makes it feel good as long as the basic tenets of human decency and mutual respect are applied by all participating parties.   I think it’s ok to have a whore inside of you. I think the whore inside of all us of should be encouraged.  Doesn’t the cliche go that every man wants a whore in the bedroom. Doesn’t every one of us wish we could be that free with ourselves and those men and/or women that love us?
My inner sexual being got unlocked too soon and I didn’t do anything to stop it because I didn’t know any better at age 10. Add in a few environmental factors like a dead mother and a stepmom with her own issues to battle  who didn’t treat me very well,  some easy access playboys in a neighborhood shed,  to learning about masturbation too young from an older girl.   And you have the the foundation that created the issues, coping mechanisms and behaviors of my teens and 20’s.

I’d like Mini-Me to know that the right time to unlock said whore is when in a loving safe and monogamous relationship that has those basic tenets of respect and human decency.  That said time wouldn’t be anytime at all before she graduates from high school, a small likely hood that she could discover it in college, better chances as an early adult and pretty please if you could wait to have sex until you’re married that would be great, K thanks.  Yeah I know the no sex before marriage things is probably a pipe dream in our world today but darn it I”m still going to try.  Don’t let the first boy who makes you feel special and pesters you for sex for a solid six months into your vagina.  Especially if  you feel compelled to do so because you don’t want to lose him.

Hind sight and the benefit of more processing this issue tells me that I  couldn’t let go with The Husband and release the crazy sexy girl (damaged whore) who had partied her way through her teens and 20’s.    I probably felt I had to put the whore to bed and that she was bad and I couldn’t get her out again.   r/gonewild or  GW  had its consequences, but it also allowed me to reconnect to and re-explore that inner whore with my partners permission in a pretty “safe” environment.   In the middle of the PJ days I  unpacked this whole molestation issue ( among others)  out of the secret room in my soul and re-examined it in therapy (with therapist  Susie) as part of trying to figure out what was happening in my life and how to manage it all.

I obviously told my husband when I first remembered and a few friends already knew but I never told my Dad what happened before he died.  I finally sat my stepmom down and told her during the PJ days.   It was quite freeing.   It would of been better if the first words out of her mouth after I told her weren’t  “I wonder if it happened to your brother’s too”.   But as a mother I understand the need for this question.   I just would of appreciated some response of concern for me first. She did later express the desire to physically harm both molesters.  And I have to imagine I rocked her world a bit. This is information NO MOTHER ever wants to hear, no matter how long ago it happened.    When I shared the secret with PJ his response was .. he said nothing.  The only acknowledgement he ever gave it was to say “I didn’t know quite what to say about that”. Yeah generally just a simple expression of empathy of some kind works.  Did you know sociopaths don’t feel empathy? They have to learn and fake it to appear to be like the rest of us.    At the time I just  noted it as a symptom of the fact he was supposedly going through his own issues and doing his own therapy work.  Not so sure now.   The good news is, that this is now a demon I not only recognize, but also understand and can just let it rest in peace most of the time.  I don’t plan to find or confront the brothers, I just pray it didn’t happen to anyone else because I couldn’t speak up.

If you have a molestation secret like mine you have been carrying for too long I urge you to let it out and deal with it. You’ll be glad you did.

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