Epic Beautiful Disaster

This song has been resonating with me lately because in the last two years I’ve gotten pretty good at burning bridges.  But to me it’s also about something more, that the train wrecks of our lives can often become beautiful disasters.   I almost got divorced last year,  but then I didn’t.  In the middle of that is the story of my online addiction to Reddit Gone Wild (NSFW) and chat rooms and my online relationship with PJ.

I met PJ in the public chat rooms the Reddit Gone Wild (NSFW) community was currently “on”.  I met him during a time I was actively involved in that community with The Husbands knowledge. . I was already in full throngs of having a stable of online play boys and the full-blown addiction that went with it .   My marriage was well on its way to falling completely apart.  PJ and I began an online relationship that would bleed into my “real” life and  almost crush my soul.  I do not know the full scope of the lies he told.

The spectrum looks something like this; everything he ever said to me about anything, did with me in any capacity, or told me he thought about me and us, and all the countless details of his back story and current life; to maybe only the schools he attended for BA and grad school, where he lived, what his name was. You know just little stuff (evil grin).  Once found out and confronted, he chose to vanish with no explanation of any kind.  No response whatsoever. No apology, no ha ha fuck you I got you good you stupid woman, nothing.  Just gone.

One of my besties has told me more than once that PJ was just out to play me, I am just a sucker, nothing he said or did or told me had any meaning of any kind and he never adored me, never really thought I was beautiful and never meant a single thing he ever said. That he most certainly had many other women he was spending time playing as well. In his actual life girls or emotional crack addicted girls on the internet like me, or both.  She (and she is not alone in this sentiment among my friends) is convinced he is a lying sack of shit player who willingly, knowingly, calculated ways to attempt to destroy my ego, my marriage and my soul. That all he wanted to see was my parts on the internet and wanted to use me to make himself feel better and the cost to me had no matter.  That he only did it for “fun”  and once he wasn’t going to get his rocks off anymore he was done.

Hearing that the first few times she said it was very painful to me.  I loved this boy (he claimed to born in 1984) and the pain he caused me was the worst heart break I’ve ever suffered.  I didn’t know it during but recognized it quickly after that I loved  him so much I was fully ready to accept whatever life consequences were coming to eventually get to be with him and have the life we repeatedly discussed and planned to have.  Or maybe I was just really misreading things like “I guess I’ll just have to love your kids since you don’t want to have anymore babies ” and was totally delusional that he was ever really into me the way I thought he was.

It’s possible (about as possible of an ice cube surviving in hell) that he made really bad choices and was just some  scared broken boy.  He never took his shot to tell his side of the story. There are people in my life who don’t think  PJ could really be that evil, and that this was all a very unfortunate train wreck, but that it wasn’t calculated as such.

I plan on writing about him like a person with the same basic rights for respect of identity and privacy as I’d like extended to me.  Not an evil troll monster with no basic human rights.  I believe in God and karmic retribution.    PJ is a person, whatever kind of person he was to me or is now.  I’ve forgiven him for what he did,  and I’m in the process of forgiving myself for participating.

I’m no longer ashamed that it happened or willing to hide it for social graces. Just because it all took place on the internet and all turned out to be very very fake doesn’t negate that fact that I LIVED this.   Does not take away the feelings  I had while going through it, healing from it or reflecting afterwards.  I was basically emotionally raped for 5 solid months by a boy I thought I only adored, but really loved.   I’ve moved on and now it’s time to take a look back and impart some laughter, and wisdom to the situation.   I don’t know how quickly I will get this whole story out, but it’s coming out.